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Family and Parenting Issues (Live Session)

Aisha Mohammad
06 November, 2016

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Wednseday, November  9th, 2016. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

 

Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

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You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family and relationship issues to

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Wednesday, Nov. 09, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I'm a mother of 4 children, our problem is that my husband is lazy and doesn't want to work. I tried repeatedly to speak with him that he is responsible for the family and for providing to them but he never listens to me. His behavior always causes me to clash with him in front of our kids because we don't have any other income except his work. I don't know how to make him understated that he must work in order to save our family. Please advice.



As salamu alaykum sister,
I am sorry to hear of your hardships due to your husband not working . As you know, in the Qur’an it states

“”Men shall take full care of women with the bounties which Allah has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, and with what they may spend out of their possessions….”.[Qur’an 4:34].

It is the husband’s duty and obligation to support his wife and children. Sister, was he working when you met him, and did he ever work during your marriage? If so, can you pinpoint an event in which may have caused him to stop? You may want to explore the possible reasons he may not want to work, although these are not excuses but a place to start. Has he appeared depressed? Is he medically healthy? Did he ever look for work and possibly become discouraged? By finding the root cause to his not working you may insha’Allah find a solution. If he use to work and then just stopped, that may be indicative of something wrong. If he never really worked and is truly lazy, then that is another issue.
I would kindly advice sister that you and your husband seek out the advices of a trusted imam. Perhaps if he was encouraged to discuss this issue with a man, a spiritual teacher, your husband would begin to open up concerning whatever it is that is holding him back from working. Another avenue to take is to get marital counseling with a marriage therapist. Often times couples are able to root out the causes of problems through therapy. In the meantime, I would kindly suggest sister, that you do not argue in front of the children insha’Allah. While I can imagine this to be a most frustrating and scary situation, there is no need for the children to be involved or hear of the financial danger the family is in.
If your husband refuses to go for help, then you need to make a decision on what you desire regarding this marriage, and explore your options. If you have family you can stay with, then perhaps a separation will make him realize the seriousness of his lack of working and providing for his family. While I do not know how you and your family are surviving now with no money, one thing is certain, you do not need the responsibility of taking care of a grown man. You have 4 children to care for, he needs to step up -or step out if needed. While Allah hates divorce, He also commands a man to take care of his wife and children. Please think about your options and present them to him when things are calm.

Insha’Allah he will “wake up” and heed your suggestions for intervention. We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

Hello, I found a lot of news reports about sexual assault and harassment at schools and clubs and so on , and this makes me terribly afraid for my children . Can you please give us some tips on how to protect our children from such assaults? Thank you



As-salamu alaykum,
Yes we are living in scary times indeed and we especially fear for our children. There are so many things out there that can harm them, that it is too numerous to list, sadly. Insha’Allah if we teach our children right and give them a strong Islamic foundation they will make wise choices when it comes to who and where they hang out. Talking to your children about what is sexual assault and harassment can also prepare them and teach them how to keep safe, or at least reduce their risks.

Keeping open communication with your children is vital insha’Allah as if anything does happen they will feel safe and secure to come to you and let you know.

Some parents have their children take classes in self defense which I personally recommend as I feel every child, person should be taught how to defend themselves against assaults or harm. Even if the perpetrator is an adult and bigger, at least a child will have some basic skills of defending oneself or maneuvering oneself to get away. These are but a few suggestions.

In the end, we must rely upon Allah SWT for protection, keep our children in duaa for protection as well as building a solid foundation of knowledge and communication with our children. Becoming excessively fearful is not good either. While the risks are there, chances are your children will not be victims insha’Allah. While we want to teach and warn our children, we also don’t want them to live in a constant state of fear either.

The balance is delicate, but with vigilance, education, communication, strong Islamic values and prayer, insha’Allah your children will be fine.

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As-salamu alaikum dear counselor, I have a big problem with my youngest son he always blames his father for the poor life we are leading. The father is a civil servant and our salary almost full fills our dailylife needs. But the son accuses the father of not doing enough to improve his life and secure his future. Recently he started to even insult and curse his father, I tried to speak with him to be kind to the father and not blame him for our living condition, but to no avail. I don’t know what to do, Please help.



As-salamu alaykum,
I am sorry to hear your so is treating your husband this way. While you did not mention your son’s age, perhaps he needs to go on a family excursion to visit the poorest of the poor and do some charity work. I would kindly suggest getting him involved in charity work with the homeless or immigrants/refugee’s who are in desperate need. I would make this part of his weekly routine. Insha’Allah seeing those less fortunate than him will soften his heart and give him a new view and appreciation. I would kindly suggest getting in touch with some local Islamic organizations who are doing charity work and get your son involved.
While you and your husband have provided your son with an adequate life and sacrificed much alhumdulilah, he is spoiled and ungrateful. Please never doubt your or your husband’s efforts dear sister, you sound like wonderful parents!

Lastly dear sister, his disrespect and cursing of his father is haram and should not be permitted. Should he continue, consequences should follow such as taking things away from him, grounding him as well as reminding him of Allah’s wrath should he continue this most despicable behavior. Please do draw close to Allah, be supportive of your husband as I am sure it hurts him as well. Also make duaa to Allah SWT for ease in this matter. You and your family are in our prayers.

I’m a father of 3 kids, I found out that my oldest son who is 17 year old- is smoking. I’m not a smoking father and I don’t know how to convince him to give up this bad habit, What’s your advice?



As-salamu alaykum,
While smoking is detestable, I am afraid that at 17 your son is almost considered a young man now and in a few more years will be grown. Unfortunately at this age, the more you say “no”, the harder they push to do it. I would kindly suggest that when things are calm, take him out somewhere nice such as to lunch, a walk to the park, fishing, whatever he enjoys. Causally ask him what he plans for his future.

When he responds you can point out that it may be hard with emphysema or cancer or any other of the numerous health problems smoking brings. I would have some literature on some of the conditions with pictures and explanations. I would also tell him that if he wishes to quit, that you will be there to help him. While good health is a reward for quitting, often times a parent will help their child quit by setting up milestone rewards of their choosing as an incentive.

I do not know how long your son has been smoking, but he is probably addicted. In this case, if he agrees, you may want to get medical intervention such as the patch or gum to ease withdrawal symptoms. If he does not agree to quit, you can only continue to encourage good healthy habits, gentle reminders of the health consequences as well as the Islamic rulings on not destroying our bodies. By aligning yourself as a support system for him, you may get much further than with punitive measures.

We wish you the best brother, you are in our prayers.

Dear counselor, I have a 15 year- old daughter, she is studying in the secondary school and recently I noticed that she is discussing her personal issues with her friends while ignoring me, I tried to speak with her to speak with me about any problems she faces, but she answers that she finds her friends understand her better than me. What should I do? Thanks.



As-salamu alaykum,
At 15 this is quite normal as young adults form bonds and discuss the similar things they are going through at that age. Often times, parents are looked upon as ones who were never 15! Children often forget that their parents were once their age and thus feel “they will not understand”. Often times it is difficult for parents to remember what it felt like to be 15 thus compounding the issue.

I would kindly suggest getting in touch with your memories as a 15 year old and try to recall some of the things you went through, who were your friends, who did you talk to the most. At this age girls can be cliquish and form strong bonds of friendship wherein everything is discussed. I would kindly suggest that you share some of your experiences with her when you were her age. Share some funny moments to break the ice and make her laugh a well as share some serious ones and tell her how you handled it. Share with her how you may have felt vulnerable or confused about certain things and how you resolved your feelings. At this age hormones are raging, bodies have changed and moods may be temperamental.

While you desire that she discusses her problems with you, the truth is you cannot force her to sister, you can only share of yourself in an open way and hope that she will share with and confide in you as well, though it may take time. Be patient with her and don’t push her. This is a natural phase of growth and development as she is seeking her own identity in an ever changing body and emotions.

In time, I am sure that insha’Allah you will be the one she turns to once again for advices, such is the circle of life. With a little patience and a lot of prayers, you will adjust to this new phase in your daughter’s life and still be a great support to her.

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

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As-salamu aalaikum, We are a migrant family in the US, we left our country Egypt to the states 2 years ago. Since then, we have been trying to adapt to the american life. I have 2 children, the eldest are 12 year old girl. A few weeks ago, my daughter came to me from school and asked me about dating and sex! The question surprised me and I couldn't answer her. I asked her from where she got this question she said she heard her friends at school speaking about this. What do you advice me to answer her question and deal with this difficult situation.



As-salamu alaykum,

I can only imagine how hard it must be trying to adapt to a new country. It is filled with many challenges and changes. I imagine as your daughter is 12, her body has begun to develop as well as you may be noticing some changes in her emotions. This is the normal path of adolescence and along with it comes sexual curiosity. In America, children are often taught at a young age about sex education. While there are debates that this is the parents responsibility and should be kept out of schools, it has been going on since I was in school at 12 years old.
Right or wrong, it is happening and your daughter is curious. She and her friends are probably talking about it at school as well- because that is what pre-teens and teenagers do! The good thing is that she came to you to get her questions answered. That is a big plus. She trusts you and she feels close enough to you to ask questions which may be embarrassing for her. I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. Please, insha’Allah, don’t act shocked or alarmed wen she asks questions. That may make her close up, and get her answers elsewhere. You want her to come to you.
Answer her questions in a calm and loving manner. Explain fully, what she seeks to know. Again, if you don’t, she will just seek it elsewhere. I am not sure if she has started menstruation yet. If she has not, now would be a perfect time to discuss that as well because at 12 years old, she will be starting very soon.
I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you discuss the process of puberty, sexual feelings and the actual act of sex, marriage, and all the feelings she will (or is) feeling as a pre-adolescence. When discussing these things with her, insha’Allah, assure her that is part of normal development and as Muslims we have certain values which Allah commands for us to live by, such as waiting until we are married to have sex. Explain to her the reasons why (i.e. STD’s pregnancy, purity and obedience to Allah).
Insha’Allah, you and your daughter will maintain a close, open relationship as she grows and develops into a young woman. Whether you are here or still in Egypt, nature would have taken it’s course and these issues would have emerged anyhow. Perhaps as she is in a foreign country, she does feel you are the only one she can ask about these things-which is a plus! Take advantage of these moments and opportunities to strengthen her Islamic resolve and insha’Allah she will always come to you with questions as well as seeking advice. That is every parents hope! We wish you and you family the best in your new home here in America, may Allah SWT bless you and make it easy.