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Getting Ready for Marriage (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
28 July, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Monday, Jul. 30, 2018 | 15:00 - 15:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I have a big problem and I wanna share about my problem. We arrangement nikah this month. Everythings are ready and all are fine but before nikah day we’ve some problems and our parents fight each other with words after that our nikah was cancel before 4 days. Now I want to rearrange our nikah.I seriously want this. It’s my wish but our parents are very angry. So, how should I pray to Allah? Pls suggests me & give me some dua or Zikay or swalat. Every day I pray swalatul thahajut, Thaug Ba, and Hajat. Pls, give me advice. I feel depressed.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear what has happened between your and your fiancee families that ruined your nikkah.  It is a shame when parents cause fighting and disruption in their children’s lives, especially concerning marriage plans.

 

Fighting Among Families

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While I do not know what the fight was about, sister, you need to determine insha’Allah if the argument was valid.  Some reasons for a valid dispute would be things discovered-not previously known- which are unIslamic and would hurt you or your future spouse.  Still, the conduct of both families even under these circumstances is appalling as this is not how we conduct ourselves as Muslims.

 

Pursuing the Nikkah: Express Honor, Respect, Love

I would kindly suggest dear sister that if there is no compelling Islamic reason for all this fitnah, that you inform your parents (and have your fiancee inform his) that this will be resolved one way or another as you both will be getting married regardless.  Assure them of your love, honor, and respect for them, but explain that Islamically it is your right to marry.   Give each of your parents a date (the sooner the better) to resolve their differences.  Explain to them that this haram behavior is not going to stop your marriage and you would like their blessings of course, but if they refuse then you will have no other option but to marry without them.  As you are both adults sister, you do not need your parent’s approval nor their permission as long as you both are Islamically appropriate for each other. I would kindly suggest insha’allah, that you set a wedding date, and get married regardless of the families feelings.  This marriage is between you and your future husband and it is very sad that your and his parents are fighting.  Insha’Allah they will come to their senses quickly.

 

Guidance from Qur’an & Duaa

Please do make duaa to Allah swt concerning this situation.   Ask Allah swt to put mercy between their hearts.  As a peacemaker insha’Allah, remind both families of the following verses from Al-Qur’an “So have taqwa (fear and obedience) of Allah and reconcile the differences between yourselves.”(Al-Qur’an 8:1) and “Indeed the Believers are but brothers. Therefore reconcile the differences between your brothers, and fear Allah so that you may receive mercy.” (Al-Qur’an 49:10).

 

You and your future husband are in our prayers sister, we wish you the best.

 

Assalamualaikum, I recently went to see a girl for marriage. I did like her but was not fully convinced. But I told my family to go ahead with it and they formally visited the girl. However, when they came back. I felt something unusual and regretted my decision. My heart started to pound fast as if it gave me an indication that it won't be good. The following day I called it off. I felt I won't be able to keep her happy. But I am feeling bad that I broke her and her family's heart. I think I committed the biggest sin.



As salamu alayukm brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  Brother, it is normal and natural to feel nervous and unsure when first committing to a marriage.  You stated you went to see her and liked her but you were not fully convinced.  Please do look at the reasons you were not convinced.  They may be valid reasons brother, or you may have just become nervous.  Did you get to spend halal time with this girl getting to know her and asking her questions?  Were you comfortable with her family?  Did you talk to your parents about their impression of her and her family?  Why did you feel you would not be able to make her happy?

 

Self Reflection

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When contemplating marriage it is important to establish as best as possible mutual commonalities and values.   This can only be done by getting to know the person in a halal setting.  Perhaps you did not know enough about her brother to make an informed decision thus you backed out of the marriage.  While yes it is sad that you backed out and it hurt her and the family however it is better to do so now than to marry knowing it will probably not work out.  That could lead to deeper hurt and problems in the future.

 

In your case brother, perhaps you need to do some self-reflection for future proposals as you stated you were afraid you would not be able to make her happy.  This may be indicative of low self-esteem on your part or high expectations on the girl’s part.  Whatever the case may be, insha’Allah please do evaluate what you are feeling in regards to making a potential wife happy.  I am sure that insha’Allah you will make a wonderful husband. Perhaps you just need to work on your confidence levels as well as your self-esteem and what you do bring to a marriage.  This is a common fear for many men seeking marriage.  However much of this fear can be reduced or eliminated by getting to know one’s intended spouse in a halal way.

 

Preparing for the Future

Brother, while you can’t go back in time and recant calling off the marriage, please do insha’Allah prepare for next time.  Make a list of your attributes, good qualities, abilities, as well as what you can bring to the marriage as a husband (I am sure there is a lot!). This will give you confidence.  Ensure that you spend adequate time getting to know the girl and her family in a halal way so you feel comfortable in your pursuit.  Lastly and most important, seek out Allah’s signs by making Istikharah prayer.

 

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

I like a girl in college but have not told her about it. But she knows it. Now I am graduated and left the college and now she is studying in the same college. Now, what I want to do?



As salamu alayukm brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand your question, you met a girl when you were in college whom you liked.  You stated you did not tell her you liked her but indicated that she knew you liked her.  I am wondering dear brother, how did she know you liked her?  Often times brothers may think a girl knows they like her when in reality she does not.  This may make the brother feel she is not responding and he may give up.  The first thing to do is to inquire about her possible interest.

 

Expressing Interest 

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Currently, you have graduated and left the college but she is now in the college you left and you still like her.  Brother, I would kindly suggest that you express your interest to this girl to see if she is available, interested as well as ready to marry.  From this point, you will know where you stand in regards to a possible marriage.  If she is interested, I kindly suggest that you inform her that you and your family would like to meet with her family to arrange a halal way in which the two of you can get to know one another for the purposes of marriage.  Insha’Allah this will bring the two families together in a good friendship so everyone may get to know one another in a meaningful and halal way.

 

Family Support

If she agrees, please inform your parents of your plans to get to know her for the purposes of marriage.  Ask your parents to be involved in your process and decision as this shows respect and honor.  Insha’Allah your parents will agree to assist you through this process.

 

The only way to know what the outcome may be brother is to ask.  Please do take the steps necessary to inquire about your interest in marriage.  Insha’allah it will work out wonderfully for you and you will be on your way to a beautiful marriage in the near future!

 

Please let us know how things went, you are in our prayers.

Assalamualaikum. I’m currently going through some disappointing moments in life and I’m trying my best to stay strong, keep myself busy and pray to Allah to help me out with my situation.I’ve been rather frustrated with life not only recently but for some amount of years now. I feel like life on most parts is stagnant and there isn’t anybody who would be there for me to really listen. They say that you should keep yourself busy to get going but I feel like I have to constantly keep myself distracted to feel better. Otherwise emotions will get the best of me. I don’t want to lash out to my loved ones anymore. *Aside from night prayers, are there any other ways for me as a Muslim tI would like to ask your perspective on Myer Briggs.



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  While I am not brother Karim, I hope that insha’Allah I can answer your question in a way that will be helpful.  I am sorry to hear of the frustrations and difficulties you are going through in life brother.  These tests and trials can be difficult but with “difficulty comes ease”.  While I do not know specifically what difficulties and frustrations you are going through, it appears that you are trying your best to handle them in an Islamic way by drawing closer to Allah, by increasing your prayers as well as trying to be patient.

 

Facing Disappointments and Frustrations

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Often times when we are tried in this life, it is not a matter of keeping oneself busy, but it may be a matter of redirecting yourself and creating a plan of action.  Keeping busy just keeps your mind off your problems while facing your problems and creating steps to overcome them; move in a new direction insha’Allah will create lasting change.

 

I kindly suggest brother that you write down all of the things that are causing stagnation, frustration, and disappointment.  Look at your list carefully.  Which situations can you change?  Make a check mark by those.  Which situations are out of your control and you cannot change (i.e. your parents divorced when you were young)?  Identify those and cross them off.  Examine your list for relevance.  Is it relevant in for your life right now to be worried about buying a home 5 years from now (for example)?   Cross off ones that are not relevant to you right now.  Look at the remaining list.  For each item, make a list of steps you can take to resolve the issue.  For instance, if you are unsatisfied with your job, make a list of steps of how to improve your satisfaction.  These steps may include anything from improving communications with supervisors and co-workers to actually looking for another job.  Do the step work for each issue.  Once you are done, put these issues in order of importance.  This will help you identify and start to resolve that which is causing you the most grief.  Begin working on the steps needed to facilitate change in your circumstances.

 

Brother we all feel stagnated and disappointed at times.  It is during these times that we should insha’Allah actively seek to change the way we are doing things; change the way we think about things, or change our plan of action to produce better outcomes.  For example, maybe you wanted to get into X university but you were not accepted.  Instead of focusing on that university-look to others which you may be interested in.  Again, I am sorry if these are vague examples that may not be relevant to your situation, but I do not have any of your examples to go on.  The point is, instead of “busying” your mind-use your options and creativity to either resolve these issues in steps or create a new plan of action for your life.

 

Reducing Stress and dealing with Emotions

In regards to needing someone to talk to, we all need that.  It is a natural need for humankind to desire friendship, closeness with others as well as a compassionate friend to listen to us in times of need.  I kindly suggest dear brother that you attend Islamic events as much as possible to build up your social network as well as expose yourself to new things.  Seek to build friendships with brothers at the Masjid.  Partake in social outings, prayers at the Masjid as well as increasing your Islamic knowledge.  All of these things will be blessings in your life insha’Allah and will provide ease.

 

To prevent yourself from lashing out at loved ones, I suggest insha’Allah that you evaluate your stress levels.  There are stress assessments you can take online.  Begin to engage in stress reduction techniques such as deep breathing, progressive body relaxation, exercise, aromatherapy as well as dhkir, prayer and quiet time spend reading Qur’an and making duaa.  If you feel you will lash out-picture a big red stop sign in your mind, count to 10 and go into dhkir.  Insha’Allah these techniques should calm your mind to reduce your stress, frustrations and anger.  If at any time brother you feel as if you are very depressed or you feel out of control, please do seek out the services of a professional counselor in your area.

 

As far as your question on a perspective on Myer Briggs, this would be a more in-depth response which would be too long for this forum.  Please resubmit that part of the question for a detailed response.
We wish you the best, please let us know how you are doing.

Hello, I have been dating my Arabic boyfriend for 1 year we met in the USA and he wants to marry me, I met his family and his father accepts me, but his mom doesn’t want me, because she said that I'm not Arabic and Muslim, my boyfriend and I we don’t know what to do, because we love each other, and we want to be together, and he told me to stay with him, until he changes his mom mind, but I’m not sure if one day she would do it. I’m so confused, and we really want to be together. And I respect his culture and religion I’m taking Arabic classes and I go to the mosque to learn Everything and his mom doesn’t want. I want to know if one day we can be finally together.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand the situation you have met someone in the USA and you both want to get married.  I’m not clear where you live, if you live in the US or if you live in Mexico. At any rate, you both want to marry however his mother refuses the marriage stating that you are not Arab or Muslim.

Permissible Marriages & Seeking Allah

 

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In Islam, a man is allowed to marry a woman from the People of the Books. In the Qur’an  it states “As to marriage, you are allowed to marry the chaste from among the believing women and the chaste from among those who have been given the Book before you (are lawful for you); provided that you have given them their dowries, and live with them in honor, not in fornication, nor taking them as secret concubines.”  (5:5) While  I am not sure what your religion is, you really should fit into that category in order for him to marry you. However, you have expressed that you are going to the Masjid to learn Islam as well as taking Arabic classes to help you better learn his culture.

 

Insha’Allah sister the best situation would be that you see the light of Islam and take shahada. That would mean that you would revert to Islam and be a Muslim. I do not recommend that you do this however just to marry him and to try to satisfy his family. I would only recommend that you take this path if you truly feel in your heart and soul that there is only one God-Allah and that Islam is the one and only true religion. This would mean that in your heart you know that Islam is the right path for you.

 

People that take shahada or become Muslim just to get married may not truly be dedicated to the religion or to Allah.   It may be superficial as they are trying to please their potential spouse. This is never advisable.  You must do what is in your heart.

 

Sister, it sounds like you are truly interested in Islam. I would kindly suggest that you put this first and foremost before anything else in your life right now. I understand that you love this boy, however, you are learning about Islam and insha’Allah, becoming Muslim will be the biggest blessing in your life. You can be sure that whatever Allah has for you regarding this boy will not pass you by it is meant for you.

 

Islam & Racism

You also brought up the point of this boy’s mom refusing you because you are not Arab.  This is unIslamic and haram thinking.  While his mom’s concerns regarding you not being Muslim are Islamic concerns and are valid, her concerns of you not being Arab is a cultural preference and is not from Islamic teachings.  In his final sermon the Prophet Mohammad,(PBUH) said “There is no superiority for an Arab over a non-Arab, nor for a non-Arab over an Arab. Neither is the white superior over the black nor is the black superior over the white — except by piety.”  His mom is displaying racism and it is wicked in the “eyes” of  Allah and it is forbidden in Islam to be racist. So while she does have an Islamic standing on your not being Muslim, she has no standing in Islam regarding your ethnicity.

 

Sister, you asked if one day you can finally be together and the answer to that is it depends on your boyfriend. As he is an adult he can make his own decisions independent of his parents. In Islam there is no compulsion, there is no forced marriage, and one is not to prevent a marriage that is Islamically acceptable.  I have a feeling that even if you were already a Muslim, she would still be unhappy because you are not Arab. Again, this is from culture and from the shaitan and is not from Islam.  However, as people are imperfect, you may have some difficulties if you marry this boy because of his mom’s racism.  Perhaps in time, she will accept the marriage but it will take efforts on her son’s part to show her her haram ways.

 

Follow Allah

Sister, I kindly encourage you to continue your Islamic studies.  Talk to your “boyfriend” about what you are learning and remind him that it is haram as well to have a girlfriend and that if he wants to marry you he does not need parental permission and it is best that you marry rather than carry on with a haram relationship. Please inform him that as you are studying Islam, you are seeking to please Allah concerning this. However, you do need to be either Muslim or of the People of the Books sister for you to be halal for him to marry.  Only you know your status concerning this sister.   If you do feel Islam is the true path for you, take shahada and trust in Allah to work out this situation between you.  I highly encourage you to get involved with sister classes at the Masjid as well.  Sister’s can help teach and guide you as well and will be a blessing in your life.  We wish you the best, please let us know how you are doing.

 

Asslamu Alaikum. I'm a 25 year old female. So yesterday a proposal came for me and the guy along with his family is settled in America. The family is good. I don't know how religious though. I m in extreme dilemma. Honestly saying I'm not interested in this proposal also the fact that I have to leave my parents alone and come back to meet them after year or two scares me. I want to reject but i'm afraid that no other proposal with good family would come for me. I m just so confused right now. I don't know if according to islam I m making tha right decision to reject someone because he is abroad. Please guide me.



as salaam alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important concerns about marriage. Sister it is understandable that you are afraid to settle in a new country away from your family, with a man you do not know. That is normal, sister. It is always scary going to a new place, especially when you don’t really know the people that you’re going to be living with.

 

Fear of Unknown

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In regards to making the decision to reject someone because he is living abroad, you have that right. You have the right in Islam to reject any marriage proposal that you are not comfortable with. I will kindly suggest dear sister that you not reject the marriage proposal but instead get to know him first.   This can be done in a halal way along with your parents or a trusted friend. This can be done on the phone, through Skype or other platforms that are conducive to keeping your conversation halal and will still allow you to get to know him better. I do not advise that you marry someone that you do not know.

 

While he may come from a “good family” you stated and you really don’t know how religious they are.  It could be that they are a very good family who practices Islam, and are kind, loving people.  It could also be that they are a dysfunctional family who treat others and each other poorly.  It could be that they don’t practice Islam as you do.  As you do not know this man, it could also be that he may not be a good man for you and your deen.  You won’t know this, however, unless you take the time to get to know him and his family.

 

As stated, I kindly suggest sister, that instead of flat out saying no, that you do invest the time to get to know him as well as his family. Your father, brother or imam may inquire among the community as to his reputation and his family’s reputation. As they are settled in the USA the Masjid that he goes to may be contacted in order for your wali to speak with the imam about the reputation and character of him and his family. This is extremely important. You do not want to leave your home and get involved with a situation that may be abusive or destructive to you or your Islam. We just don’t know who people are until we investigate and in Islam, we are supposed to inquire, that is your right.  That is what a Wali is for.

 

There are some cases where the girl does not know the man she is marrying nor does she know the family.  She marries anyhow, only to be surprised that they are not very nice people. Is much harder to get out of a marriage that is not conducive to your Islam or is harmful to you, than it is to investigate and politely turn down the request if you find incompatibility or non-Islamic tendencies. So please do make an effort to get to know him in a Halal way. Have your father, brother or Wali do some investigating on his character as well as his family’s.  You need to know about them as much as possible as you will be living with them if you married.

 

Moving Away from Family

In regards to leaving your family, when we marry we often do have to move away from our families. That is a hurt that sometimes doesn’t go away. However, in a good marriage, husbands are supportive and want the best for our parents as well. They will make every effort to ensure that we are able to still visit our parents as well as take care of them. In a good marriage, a husband and wife will team up together to ensure that her parents are taken care of as well. This may also be one point that you may want to discuss with this man and his family. You may want to find out their opinions and attitudes about your family and your desire and obligations to them for their care.

 

Seeking signs from Allah

Make a list of your questions and concerns sister.  Talk to your (dad) wali about getting to know this man and his family better and ask this man and his family the questions you have. There is no hurry in this decision sister. If this marriage is meant for you from Allah, it will not pass you by. With that said please do make Istikharah prayer and look to Allah swt for further signs and answers. Allah is our best guide. This could be a good opportunity for you to have a wonderful marriage with loving in-laws. However you don’t know yet, it is something that you must find out in order to make a good decision.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

 

Assalamu alaykom, A few months ago my ex-girlfriend and her husband got divorced and now my ex-girlfriend wanted to get back our relationship I didn’t expect that we can still have a conversation after a long time ago we broke up, she told me that she still loves me and I still love her too and I told myself this is a chance for me to marry her but I Don’t understand my feeling why I’m so unhappy. Please bother and sister in Islam I need an advice on what should I do.



as salamu alaykum brother,

 

Shukran for writing into our live session. You stated that a few months ago your ex-girlfriend and her husband got divorced and that she now wants to get back together with you. You expressed feelings of being unhappy and stated you didn’t expect that you could still have a conversation after such a long time.  When someone from our past reappears after being gone for a long time, we should question their motives as well as look more closely at the reasons why they may be reaching out.

 

A Closer Look

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I would kindly suggest that you look at a few factors. Please do look at how long it has been since she’s been divorced if she has had time to heal and move on with her life since the divorce, as well as her reasons for wanting to reach out to you again. It may be also important to know why they got divorced. While these things may be private for her, they are very important to you- as she wants to marry you. Often times when a divorce happens there are serious issues. It would be important for you to know what some of these issues are and if she is responsible for some of the reasons for the marital break-up.

 

Informed Decisions

I would kindly suggest brother that you do have a conversation with her about her marriage.  Find out what happened, what she has done for herself to heal from the break-up, as well as what is she doing to start a new life. You don’t want to be a “rebound” or afterthought for somebody who was freshly divorced. Meaning- sometimes when somebody gets divorced they rush into a relationship just to forget the pain and heartache that they feel from the divorce. The new person that they get involved with often serves as a distraction from issues that they need to deal with. I would kindly advise brother that you do find out all of the details if possible so you can make an informed decision.   I’m not sure of your age, but if you have a third party get involved to help you to decide if this is something that is genuine, that would be advisable. Often times, a person who is not emotionally involved (as you are) can see things you may overlook.  Perhaps one of your parents, a brother, an imam, or close friend can accompany you when you speak with her.  In fact, a third party present is always required in Islam as you know.

 

Again I don’t know how long it’s been since you last spoke, and since she has been married and now divorced for only a few months, I would advise you to take this very slow. While you may feel that you still love her, it seems much time has gone by as she was married.  People can change over time.  She may not be the same girl that you knew years ago. Also, please do insha’Allah, look at the reasons why the two of you were not married when you were together. These reasons could provide clues as to your feelings of unhappiness as well as reasons why you should not marry her now. Insha’Allah please do make sure this that this is a genuine attraction. If you’re feeling unhappy about this new opportunity in your life it could be that deep down you feel that there is something wrong or something not quite right about her appearance in your life. I would follow your intuition and take it seriously. It may be a sign.

 

The Power of Prayer

In addition to speaking with her in regards to the marriage, the divorce, and what happened,  I would also suggest insha’Allah that you make Istikharah prayer. As you know, when we pray to Allah about an important decision in our lives we get the best guidance. I will kindly suggest spending much time in prayer after you have talked to her, and ask Allah for direction in this matter.  There is no hurry in making a decision and Allah knows best.

 

You are in our prayers we wish you the best.