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On Child Development & Family Issues (Live Session)

Hannah Morris
20 March, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Thursday, Mar. 23, 2017 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu alaikum, I am a newly married brother Alhamdulillah! My wife is pregnant and already in her second trimester of pregnancy, Alhamdulillah! But sometimes her moods change and start to crash my mood as well. I would love it if you can enlighten me how I can change the negative energy (probably caused by the pregnancy) into a positive one. Because, whenever she has a bad mood I also show the same face and ultimately the house seems to be boring and I prefer to leave the house and go to meet my friends. I know that there is a way of changing the bad mood she’s having into a good one but I don’t know how to bring that, I need help for that. I want my house to be a happy home for me and my wife. Thank you.



 

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Masha Allah, congratulations on marriage and expecting a child. May Allah bring you happiness in your marriage and bless you with a righteous child.

 

Pregnancy can lead to mood changes for several reasons and being aware of these reasons is the best place to start to understand your wife’s situation more and make it easier for you to manage the situation that you are having difficulty with right now.

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Firstly, physiologically her body is going through many changes, both hormonally and physically as she prepares to deliver a new life into this world. The hormones will be having an effect on her mood and the physical changes might be bringing her some discomfort as she faces the pains associated with pregnancy.

 

Secondly, psychologically she is now facing the prospect of becoming a mother for the first time. Becoming a parent creates big life changes. Suddenly you become responsible for raising another life, which is a massive responsibility, you will suddenly have a lot less time for yourself as you prioritise the care of you child, but at the same time, you feel grateful for the opportunity and blessed to have been given a child. These changing emotions of fear, happiness and excitement are enough to cause mood swings without even considering the physiological symptoms too.

 

The question is, how can you change these negative energies into positive ones. Well, based on what I have just said about her experiences during pregnancy, there are a number of things you can consider.

  • Support her – Leaving the home like you say you do might make her feel like you are not supporting her during this challenging time and this might only contribute to her mood changes. By supporting her and showing her that you care by being there for her, checking in on how she’s feeling, you will be better able to understand exactly what it is that is causing the mood changes. This way you will have better insight as to why her moods are the way they are, but she will also know that you care enough to ask and be concerned about her.
  • Exercise together – Exercise is good for the physical symptoms that she might be experiencing. Even if she is not having any, gentle exercise is useful to prepare her body for delivery and give her the strength to face it well. Exercise is also know to nurture the production of hormones that can boost the mood, which could work well for her mood changes. It is also a good opportunity to spend some time together in the outdoors.
  • Plan together – Read about the process of pregnancy and how to prepare for bringing a child into the world. This is something that you can do together. This way you will understand more about what she is going through and will be better prepared to support her and you can collaborate in ensuring you have made all the preparations for when she delivers so that things will run as smoothly as possible when the baby arrives. Again, she will feel supported by such actions which will result in a more positive mood.
  • Pray together – Do not forget to pray to Allah for a healthy child that will be righteous and good to their parents. Doing this together could help strengthen your bond with each other and together with Allah.

 

If you can implement these strategies, then in sha Allah you could find that she will feel more happy and when she is in a negative mood you will be better equipped to manage it.

 

May Allah bring you peace and contentment I your marriage and grant you a righteous child who will be the coolness of you and your wife’s eyes.

As-salamu alaikum, I'm 22 years old. My parents are looking for a guy for me. I don't know, most of the times I feel that I want to be single. I don't want to be married. I feel so scared when marriage proposals come up and I'm fed up with these proposals (most of them are rejected because of my wheatish brown complexion and slim physique). I have heard how my colleagues are suffering from in laws and husbands. And also I'm afraid of pregnancy pains. Only in a few times I think about partner. I always pray to Allah extend my marriage. Is praying like that is good for me? My parents are very tensed because of delay and problems in marriage. And recently I'm thinking that if I'm not married before 25 I would like to adopt children and to fly abroad. I really need an answer. Jazakallah.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Certainly, the prospect of marriage and having children is exciting for many, but there are also many that feel like you do and fear the thought of it. This feeling is made especially strong in your case by the fact you have heard of many a negative experience from colleagues.

 

First of all, you cannot judge what your own experience of marriage will be like based on this handful of people, because there also many others who live happily married lives too and have good relations with extended family. That said, all marriages do come with some form of test along the way, but these are tests that can also strengthen a marriage if managed in the best way. So, I would urge you to try and think beyond the experiences of your colleagues and remember that there are many positives in marriage also. Only paying head to those who have had bad experiences will inevitably leave you feeling as you are – like you don’t want to pursue marriage, because who wants to enter an institution that they feel will end up in much unhappiness?

 

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The best way to remember the positives in marriage is to go back to the Qur’an and Sunnah and remember. Allah describes marriage as the most beautiful thing in that spouses can bring more comfort to one another than anyone else can. A spouse is someone to rely on, someone who can support you in times of difficulty. Additionally, we also know that marriage is prescribed from a young age as a protection from falling into sin also. A chance to have all your needs met in the halal way; the way that is pleasing to Allah. Many times, people who don’t pursue marriage fall into zina to have these needs met and therefore will have to face the consequence of sinning whether it be in this life or the next or both. If it is that you o chose to wait longer until you marry then you must ensure to do all you can to not fall into such traps by never being alone with another man and avoid areas where free mixing takes place.

 

The fact that your parents are seeking to find you a spouse now is a sign of their love for you. Having been young once they are aware of the dangers of remaining unmarried and want to protect you from this. Their actions should reassure you that they really care for your well being and want what’s best for you for the sake of Allah.

 

Maybe there is a chance you are not fancying marriage because you have faced a few rejections, and maybe this is not making you feel confident about yourself and your prospects as a wife, but you can rest assured that when the right man comes you way, Allah will make it happen. That man will be one who is not judging you by your skin colour. Those rejections you have had are good ones and a sign of Allah’s Mercy, because if they were truly judging you and rejecting you because of your skin tone, then they were not going to make good spouses anyway so Allah has saved you from some potentially difficult marriages.

 

May Allah help you to find comfort in the thought of marriage for His sake and may He bring a righteous spouse your way who will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

 

My daughter is 5 year-old; she is a very picky eater and takes so long to eat. Can you help me to make her eat an healthy food? Also, I do my best to provide good food for my children, but they have access to so much junk food around school and elsewhere. What can I do to make them make good food decisions of their own? Thank you



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Yes, unfortunately your concern about junk food is widespread, which makes the task of encouraging our children to eat healthily a difficult one. However, there are some steps we can take to try and make the task of drawing their attention away from less healthy food and develop a liking of more healthy food.

 

  • Buy a cookbook (or look online) and let them pick what they are going to make, go shopping with them for the ingredients and let them help making it. Giving them such responsibilities and letting them be a part of the process not only teaches them life skills, but it makes them more inclined to eat the healthy food because they were the ones in control. They chose what they wanted to make, and they assisted in making and buying the recipe.
  • Buy seeds and let them grow their own fruit and vegetables. They will be more likely to be happy to eat something healthy that they have had the responsibility of nurturing and growing themselves.
  • Don’t keep junk food in the house, this way at least you can control what they eat in the house without coming across in a way that you are controlling what they eat.
  • If they want to eat things that might be considered unhealthy, such as chips that are fried in oil, instead, try making them in a more healthy way by baking them and seasoning them in a way that makes them just as tasty (if not more) so they will be more inclined to eat the healthier version. Likewise, making lollypops out of fresh fruit is a healthy alternative for a sweet treat compared to the sugar laden lollypops that you see in the store, and in fact they even taste better!
  • Make eating healthy foods fun. Be creative, especially with your 5 year old. Organise a healthy lunch on her plate in a fun way. Shape it like a flower, or something that you know she likes. You could buy a selection of different fruits in different shapes a colours and make a fun picture with them. Having fun with healthy food will help to develop a positive relationship with good food.
  • Make smoothies. 5 portions of fruit and vegetables can easily be consumed in liquid form. Let the experiment with different combinations of fruit (and or vegetables). You can also add in additional healthy elements to smoothies as well, such as almonds or dates.
  • Being too firm with them or strict about what they can and can’t eat may encourage them to go and secretly eat unhealthy foods it in the future or develop unhealthy associations with food that could lead to eating disorders.
  • Praise them when you see them make a healthy food choice; when they snack on an apple instead of a packet of crisps.
  • Still make choice available to them so they have some control over their eating, but let the choice between 2 healthy alternatives such as different types of fruit. This way they are still given the option of choice, and they have control over their decisions. This will make them feel empowered, but in relation to making a positive choice which encourage them to continue to make positive choice by themselves in the future.
  • Eat together. As their role model, let your children see you making healthy choices and eat together. This will encourage them to make healthy choices too.
  • Do also remind them as well, that eating healthy is important for taking care of our bodies, much the same as exercise and Allah wants us to take care of our bodies. He also tell us in the Qur’an do eat of the good things that He has provided for us.

 

May Allah reward you for looking out for your children and doing your best for them. May He guide you all aright to make decisions that will be most pleasing to Him.

I am writing you seeking help because after much dua and pleading Allah for help I am unsuccessful at controlling anger and rage towards my children. I have basically been a single parent of twins with occasional help from my mother who watches my children while I go to school full time. My husband is an imam in South Africa he only until last month has started sending 100 hundred dollars of support. I have gone through an entire high risk pregnancy to Alhumdulilah give birth to two beautiful babies. It was truly hard when they were babies and now that they are 28 months old they are unbearable. The twins have destroyed most things and my small apartment. My son has epilepsy so he has to be monitored closely. I am so angry all of the time and I totally lose control of my temper I feel that I am a tool of shaytan. I go to bed crying and repented for the way that I feel towards my children. I hate myself a great deal. I am afraid to seek help for fear of losing my children. I suffer from anxiety which I am going to start medication but hadn't done so because I was breastfeeding. Please advise me what to do I am afraid of myself. Jazakallah



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Raising children is hard work, raising 2 at the same time is even harder, especially when one has a health condition that require close monitoring, but masha Allah, the very fact that you recognize that you have a problem and are reaching out for help is a good sign.

 

Firstly, understand that you are juggling many responsibilities at once, 2 small children, one of whom has a medical condition as well as going to school and you are doing most on this on your own with your husband being away and your mother heling out occasionally. Having so many things to worry about can often lead to feelings like you are having and unfortunately, we do tend to take these feelings out on those close to us such as our children. What you need to remember is that your anger towards them is only going to result in their own behavior becoming even more unruly and that is why you do need to try and manage your anger more effectively. This will help you to build better relations with them and result in more positive behavior. Do ask yourself if they are really unbearable, or are they just behaving like normal, curious, playful 2 year olds? Most likely the latter. You therefore need to realise that their boisterous behavior is likely much like that of any other 2 year old and is nothing unusual, and neither are they more naughty than any other kids their age. I think you realise this because you state your regret for getting angry at them and have asked Allah to forgive you.

 

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Therefore, it might be said that the first step in managing their behavior is to work on yourself first. You have a lot of responsibilities and you need to take care of yourself so that you don’t get so angry. Make sure you set aside time for yourself each day to just relax. This will put you in a better mindset to deal with their noise. A good time to do this is after Fajr when the kids will most likely still be sleeping and the house will be quiet. Take some time to read a few pages from the Qur’an to connect with Allah and start the day with a connection to Him that will put you in the mind of remembering Him and acting to please Him through the day. As you go through your day remember Allah in all that you do. This will ensure to keep Shaytaan away and protect you from acting out angrily. Then, in the evening, when the kids are in bed, take some time just to relax and unwind. You might use this time to make plans for the following day as well as making a note, mentally or on paper of 3 positive things that happened in your day and thanking Allah for that.

 

With school as well, this will require you to be effective at managing your time, which in itself can be a useful tool for managing stress. Plan your day so that you know what you have to get done and when. This will also help you to feel accomplished and happy as you tick things off your daily agenda, knowing that you are steadily working towards your goals.

 

When you are with your children, turn it into a positive experience. Leave your thoughts of school behind and focus on them, play with them and build bonds with them. You might think of going for walks or to the park at the weekend so you can take time out together and enjoy each other’s company in a fun way. You might also sign up to some activities that might be going on in your community, like parent-toddler groups, that will allow you to meet with other mums and allow your children to play with other kids their age. This social activity will not only be good for your wellbeing, but the children will enjoy it too.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and make your children righteous children that will be the coolness of your eyes.

 

 

I have written before about parenting, I am trying to put in practice what i have been recommended. But here my question is do i really need to contact a psychologist, for the past few months i have been having nervous breakdown, sometime crying loudly other time became nervous at a point that i feel my head will explode or feel like bang my head hard against the wall. If this continue like this what will be the repercussion in the future?? My problem is i had a lot of responsibility as a mother, wife, daughter and a working woman. When my exhaustion reaches its peak i burst out then have a nervous breakdown. Every two weeks and so i feel depressed, sad and want to be alone. At work i confine myself in my place not meeting much with colleague during lunchtime as if i have retrieved myself. When i went at my parent place during weekend, my mother and brother always spoilt my son (2 1/2 years), my son won't listen to me, he mess up everything, he will hit, throw everything, spit, push, play with thing dangerous, when i reprimand him he won't listen until i will give him a slap (not hard one), so my brother and mother will always shout at me for this. They make as if i am maltreat my son which am not. So all this add to my depression. Also my husband is a very nice person but introvert don't know how to handle situation when i have my breakdown, he will remain quite and not react at all. There is also lack of intimacy in my couple due to busy life…I don't feel happy most of the time. What should i do??



Assalaum alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

It really does sound like you are having a tough time to the point that you have hit burnout and I would recommend seeing a psychologist so you can get some ongoing assistance in overcoming these difficulties. It seems to be impacting on all aspects of your life; from your work life, to your home life and relations with you family and husband, and becoming a burden on you at all times and therefore I would suggest seeking such help. I hope that I can make some suggestions that might make things easier for you in the meantime.

 

It seems more like your source of frustration is due to being too busy and not necessarily because you feel like you have an unruly child. Alhamdulilah, you have family members who are willing and able to take care of your son, so use this to your advantage. Ask them if they could take care of him for an hour or 2 once a week so that you can get some time to yourself, to do something for yourself that you enjoy. Do something with your husband, rekindle the relationship between the 2 of you. It’s easy to lose the intimacy when life is so hectic and you have a child too, so do take some time alone together to just enjoy each other’s company. Do something fun together that you both enjoy. It is engaging in self care practices like this that will bring you more patience with your son and in a better position to face the daily stresses of juggling multiple responsibilities. Remember, if you don’t care for yourself you can hardly expect to do a good job in your role of caring for you child, being a wife, working..etc.. You need to look after yourself without feeling guilty, remembering that it is for them that you are doing this, so that you can do the best job you can with your responsibilities without snapping or being angry.

 

Other things you might do, is to set aside even just 10 minutes in the morning after Fajr when its most likely to be quiet, to sit in silence and read and reflect on the Qur’an. Start your day with that close connection to Allah, finding comfort in His remembrance. After this, you might then get a clear idea in mind (or on paper) of everything that you have to get done in the day.

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As much as you often feel like you want to be alone, being social can also be a good way to overcome the feelings that you are experiencing, so I would encourage you to join your colleagues for lunch. Not only is a chance to be with other, but its chance to just take a break from your work which is very important for both productivity and your sense of wellbeing. Feeling satisfied at work will mean that you will be in a better mental mindset when you come home to your son. If it is that you feel your work is too much, or there is something making it too difficult for you, then take the time to speak to your supervisor to try and make things easier for you that you don’t end up getting so stressed.

 

Regarding your son. He is just 2 ½ and kids of this age are very busy. They are exploring the world, learning new things, excited by things that we don’t even notice. They are full of energy and want to explore and that is the nature of a child of this age. Keeping in mind, if you are feeling stressed with everything then you will have little patience to deal with his playfulness and highlight the importance of looking after yourself so that you are in a better space to manage his behavior patiently. It might seem like he is just a naughty child, but there are ways to manage this kind of behavior in a child so young in ways that don’t require the use of physical punishment. Given his age and his love for play, the first step you can take is to play with him. Use this as the building block for your relationship, working together doing something he loves. This is more likely to build a sense of respect for you than continually shouting at him all the time. This proactive approach of playing with him, allows him to get your full attention without even needing to think about doing something naughty to get your attention, because he already has it. Ask him what he wants to play with you. Let him be the one in control and feel that sense of responsibility and know that you are listening to him and understanding him and not ignoring him.

 

Praise him and reward him for his good behavior, paying less attention to his bad behavior. Sometimes children will misbehave simply to get attention, therefore giving them attention for good behaviours whilst overlooking any negative behaviours makes them more inclined to continue with positive behavior because that’s what’s getting them the attention. Even if it is just something as praising him for building a tower, or racing a toy car.

 

That is not to say that his poor behavior should be completely ignored to the point that he feels its ok. He needs to know that it is not. Do begin with the more positive parenting steps to try and eliminate such behavior and also when you eel yourself getting angry at him, do take a mental step back and ask yourself if you are only seeing things in this way because you yourself are feeling stressed, or have you behave in a way that might have triggered his response. This is why self care is important to ensure that you are not slipping into a negative cycle that causes you to get angry at him, which makes him more angry, which make your even more angry..etc.. A form of discipline is to take something away from him. If he is not playing nicely with something, or is throwing it around, then take it away from him. When he calms down you can give it back to him. Otherwise, giving him a time out. Allocate a spot for him to take time out when he is misbehaving. This might be a chair in the corner. When he is misbehaving, you tell him what he did was not ok (you know his level of language best so will know how best to put it to him at this age) and have him sit there for 2 minutes and then allow him to play again. This is punishment in that it takes him away from what he really wants to be doing, but also gives him the chance to settle and calm down.

 

May Allah bring you peace and happiness and make things easier for you. May He help you to overcome your difficulties and grant you a righteous child that will be the coolness of your eyes.

 

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