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To Be a Better Parent – Live Counseling

Aisha Mohammad
21 February, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that ‘Ask about Parenting’ section is going to hold its next Counseling Live Session with our counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on February 23rd at 5:00 to 7:00 GMT/ 8:00 to 10:00 MAkkah

If You have any question related to the live session topic you can send it ahead of time to atc@aboutislam.net

The service is completely anonymous!

Thursday, Feb. 23, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salaam, I trust you are well. I am a 28-year-old woman who is married to a 43-year-old man with 2 daughters aged 11 and 12. We have been married for 7 months now. I have a 5-year-old son from my previous marriage as well. I would like some advice about how to deal with his daughters who are disrespectful, disobedient and speak out everything in our house. They see their biological mother from a Saturday afternoon till Sunday afternoon when she feels like it. She is not islamically inclined and is a bad influence on the girls. I am struggling to be a good mother to them. Any advice? Shukran so much.



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for your question. As you have only been married for 7 months, there is still an adjustment period through which you, you and your husband’s children are going through. When families are combined as yours (children from different marriages living together) it takes extra efforts and time for everyone to adjust to the new home composition.

 

The ages of 11 and 12 are very difficult ages indeed and the girls are dealing with not only a new family situation, but also their budding hormones, changing emotions as well as trying to find where they fit in regarding opinions, independence and autonomy. It is a difficult time indeed!

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In regard to their disrespect, disobedience and speaking about everything in the home, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you sit down with your husband and talk to him about the rules for the home and consequences. If he really does not have any outlined, you may want to suggest working together to develop some based on Islamic principles. You may want to write down these rules and consequences for further reference for yourself and children.

 

I would kindly suggest sister, that you also ask your husband if this is new behavior from the girls and if not, how long has it been going on? If it has been going on for awhile perhaps it will take extra efforts to re-establish Islamic behaviors and guidelines within the home. I kindly suggest that once you and your husband develop these guidelines, that you both sit down with all the children (so one does not feel targeted) and have your husband insha’Allah inform them of the house rules and consequences for not following them. Ask each child if they understand the rules and consequences and ask if they have any questions.

 
While the girls’ mom is not Islamically incline and you feel she is a bad influence, she is still their mother and must be respected as such. Additionally, as long as the girls have a strong and solid foundation of a home life grounded in Islamic knowledge and principles, then the short time they spend with their mom should not affect their Islamic values. The worst thing you or your husband can do is to talk ill of their mother in their presence, or even at all. I am not saying that this is what is happening sister, but children are very quick to pick up on vibes and feelings. While I am not sure of your relationship with her, it may be beneficial to try to forge a positive, non-judgmental relationship with her. Try to include her in on decisions and issues concerning the girls. This could in fact help her as well if she see’s that you are open and loving towards her thus removing any fears she may have about you trying to take away her position as the girl’s mother. As you are a practicing Muslim, and her daughter’s “step mother”, your kind treatment of her may actually help her become a better influence on her daughter’s and insha’Allah lead her to the path of Islam. Allah knows best.

 

As far as being a “good mother” to them, it sounds like you already are sister as you wrote in concerned about their well-being. It is a role however, that you will need to develop and create with them. I would kindly suggest that for now you try to build a relationship with them based on mutual interests and enjoyable times. Children need time to develop a trust and bond with a parents’ new spouse. It will take time and patience, but you can slowly develop a very rewarding relationship with them insha’Allah as well as be a positive influence in their lives. Likewise, your husband should be seeking to build a relationship with your son. I would kindly suggest taking them to the Masjid, praying with them as well as setting up a time wherein every week (or daily) you sit with them and study Qur’an together, possibly focusing on family relationships, duties of parents towards children and duties of children to their parents as these as some of the issues you may be having.

 

Please do make it engaging and fun for them so it will be something they look forward to. Perhaps a short quiz on what they learned with a reward afterwards (ice cream, etc) for successful completion. Also, you may want to let them all take turns choosing a topic in the Qur’an to study which will insha’Allah help them feel involved in the process of learning. Lastly sister, please do encourage them insha’Allah to make Muslim friends, participate in Islamic teen groups, activities and have good associates.

 

I am sure insha’Allah, that in time with your husbands support and involvement as well as rebuilding a stronger Islamic foundation within the home the girls will adjust to the new home structure and family life.

 

Please do let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers.

I am married for 17 months and we don't have a child yet. We visited a few medical clinics doctors prescribe medication and frequent laboratory investigations, we followed the treatment plan but still waiting for its success.Many times it feels awkward to get my wife treated and investigated by a male gynaecologist. Literally we both are fed up of the doctors clinic. We want to ask whether to continue the treatment or just rely on Allah for his blessings to shower. Kindly guide us and make special prayer for my cause. Salaam.



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

I am sorry to hear that your efforts to conceive a child have not been successful thus far. However, as it has only been a little over a year, I would not despair. For instance, examining a group of couples trying to conceive, 20 will conceive within one month, 70 will conceive within six months, 85 will conceive within one year, 90 will conceive within 18 months and 95 will conceive within two years (1). Therefore, you and your wife still fall into category of the majority of couples who get pregnant by two years.

 

You stated that you and your wife have consulted with doctors and followed treatment however I am unclear if there is something wrong which is preventing her from conceiving. Also, I am not sure what tests were done or what the treatment was. With that said, I am wondering brother if you were tested along with your wife? Often times infertility problems may lie within the man either due to a low sperm count, slow mobility of the sperm or other problems. If you have not been checked out and you still have not conceived within a year or so, I would highly suggest that you get an exam if you have not already.

 

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In regard to your comfortableness with a male OB/GYN examining your wife, you may wish to seek out a female OB/GYN in your area. I am not sure where you are located in your country, but I know in a lot of countries there big cities with a lot of female OB/GYN’s. This should be addressed before your wife becomes pregnant insha’Allah as the OB/GYN she starts seeing will probably be the one who delivers the baby when she gets pregnant insha’Allah as well.

 

While there could be physical reasons why couples do not conceive, there are emotional ones too, with stress being one of the biggest factors. In fact according to Natural Fertility (2) “Recent research tells us that stress boosts levels of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, catecholamines and cortisol, which can inhibit the release of the body’s main hormone, GnRH (gonadotropin releasing hormone), which is responsible for the release of sex hormones.

 

Subsequently this may suppress ovulation in women, reduce sperm count in men and lower libido in both women and men”. Based on this and other studies, couples who are under stress or are constantly thinking and worrying about conceiving are indeed creating stress which in fact may be inhibiting conception. It has been documented throughout literature that some couples desperately trying to conceive and then finally give up, ended up getting pregnant within a short time. Researcher’s theorize that once the stress and pressure of trying to conceive was removed, the body returned to it’s natural hormonal state thus enabling conception.

 

Based on the above information brother, and the fact that it has only been 17 months, I would kindly suggest that both you and your wife stop focusing on conceiving for right now and focus on enjoying each other, spend time with family and friends, do things together such as a new hobby or interest and let your intimate life take it’s natural course with no goals in mind except expressing your love for each other.

 

In the meantime dear brother, build closeness with your wife, create memories of good times together as a newly married couple because once you have children you will often wish for alone time with your wife (smile), make duaa to Allah for patience, and trust in Allah that His time is perfect.

 

You are in our prayers brother, we wish you and your wife the best.

1-http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1813/how-long-will-it-take-to-get-pregnant
2-http://natural-fertility-info.com/stress-and-your-fertility.html

Salam aleikum. I would like some advice about establishing an Islamic environment in the home. I am a single convert with no Muslim family and I live alone. Articles on this subject always seem to assume the reader is married with children and/or comes from a Muslim family, but stuff like "pray together", "have iftar and suhoor together in Ramadan", etc, isn't doable for someone in my situation. What actions can someone living alone take? Thank you for your time.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session. Your question is one of utmost importance as it isrelevant to so many as there are a lot of Muslims who are reverts and living alone. In fact around the time of Ramadan, it is one of the frequently asked questions.

 

While it can be joyful to see and hear of all the families praying together, going to Islamic events together, enjoying Ramadan and holiday festivities with family as well as creating an Islamic home for all to enjoy, what about the single Muslim’s who do not have Muslim families?

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This is a challenge for some, however insha’Allah all it takes is some creative adjustments as well as a little bit of reaching out within the community. I would kindly suggest sister that you begin from within. That would include getting into the habit of devoting a portion of your day or night for reading the Qur’an, doing dzkhir, praying and seeking to always strengthen your relationship with Allah SWT. If you have not and you are able, begin to buy books on Islam, the Prophet’s (PBUH) life, and other reading material that will be educational, uplifting, encouraging and life changing.

 

A really good book which changed my life was given to me by a dear friend. It is called “The Sealed Nectar” (1). After I read about our beloved Prophet’s (PBUH) life and all his struggles, his love and compassion for others, his losses and blessings-it made me feel not so alone as a new Muslim and the only Muslim in my family. It gave me strength and increased my iman.
Once you establish an inner routine of spiritual food, next work on your environment-your home. There are many ways to create an Islamic home from having pretty prayer rugs folded on chairs, hanging up Islamic pictures, and decorating with middle eastern lanterns or other Islamic art. You may also choose to keep your books nearby in the living room for a ready read while you are resting on the couch. Others create an Islamic environment by listening to nasheeds or Islamic lectures on the computer. If you have the room, creating a prayer room is always a blessing (I always wished for an extra bedroom for this). It can a prayer room as well as be your Islamic sanctuary.

 

Socially sister, I would kindly suggest that if you are near an Islamic community that you attend the Masjid regularly and get to know some sisters there. Strive to build lasting friendships as our sisters can be our greatest source of strength and encouragement. You will insha’Allah enjoy cooking dinners together, or going out for a bite to eat, tea times, girl chat and have fun together as families do. In fact for many sisters who are single, they are family to each other, especially in the west as there are so many single Muslim reverts. You can also attend the Masjid for iftars, Suhoor, and other Ramadan activities and prayers.

 

If you live in an area where there are not any Masjids you can join groups online which specialize in single Muslim reverts. Just be careful which sites you join sister as you want to keep your social and educational pursuits halal. Facebook may have some good groups for single sisters who build friendships online as they have no family or Islamic support system due to location or other reasons. A friend of mine actually traveled to another state to meet a group of sisters she had become friends with on a Facebook group for Muslim sisters and they celebrated Eid together at one of the centrally located Masjids. All the sisters had a wonderful time and bonded closely.

 

You may also want to take classes at your local college in Islamic studies (if available) or Arabic language. You might insha’Allah meet other sisters there or even find a Muslim Student Union in which you can become a part of. If this is not possible, you can take courses on line. A good university is the Islamic Online University (IOU) (2) which is highly recommended by many worldwide. The courses are offered for free with a one time very low fee based by country.

 

Creating an Islamic home, environment and enjoying and feeling part of an Islamic community is a vital part of being Muslim. Being Muslim, single and alone does not have to mean you will miss out on the precious blessings of having an Islamic home, participating in Ramadan with others, celebrating Eid with your community or living a life void of Islamic influences. You can create an Islamic home-and life in all aspects, just trust in Allah and utilize creative measures!

 

1-https://www.amazon.com/Sealed-Nectar-Safi-Ar-Rahman-Mubarkpuri/dp/6035001106/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=BHZHMT36YCM6Z0BVRRRZ

2-https://www.islamiconlineuniversity.com/

As-salamu `Alaikum, I’m a mother of two. They are aged 2 and six months. They are sleeping with me in my bed. But my sexual life with my husband has been affected as they are always around in our bedroom. They are still very young to leave them sleep alone.How can I maintain my sexual life while they are sleeping with me. Thank you



As-salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing in with your important concern. It is one many new parents face. Your sexual life with your husband is a very important part of marriage. It is a way in which couples connect physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is also a time in which intimate talking and bonding occur as well as cuddling and de-stressing. It is essential for both of you to maintain your connection to each other in this manner.

 

Your child who is two is old enough to sleep in a bed. You may have to go through a period of time wherein you acclimate your child to getting use to sleeping in their own bed, but in time your child will get use to it. I would kindly suggest that you prepare a fun, colorful welcoming room for your child and begin putting your child in his/her bed at night. Explain to your child that he/she is a big boy/girl now and that it is time for them to have their own room. You may want to put a night light in the room or use a white noise machine that has soothing sounds to help your child sleep.

 

Your child will probably come back into your bedroom as he/she is used to sleeping with you. However, if you are patient and consistent, eventually your child will get use to his/her new room and bed and insha’Allah be excited that it is his/her personal space. For the first few nights I would kindly suggest that you put your child in his/her bed. If he/she comes into your room, tell your child that they have their own wonderful room and put your child back in his/her bed. If the pattern continues or your child fusses and cries you may want to lie with your child in their bed until they fall asleep for the first week or so to ensure your child feels secure and knows that you are near. Eventually insha’Allah your child will get use to sleeping in his/her own bed very soon.

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As far as your 6 moth old, your baby is still very young, however parents often do have their babies in separate rooms with a baby monitor on in case the baby wakes up or cries. Other parent’s opt to put a crib or bassinet in their bedrooms and have the child sleep in their room but not in their bed. It is nice to have our children sleep with us as it provides extra bonding time as well as creates a security for the child. However, it should be limited as it can create a dependence as the child grows older which may be unhealthy.

 

Additionally, as you are finding out, parents often lose that very important element of marital life which is intimacy when children are always in the bed or in the room. You should insha’Allah strive to make your bedroom a main place for you and your husband to bond and connect after a long day. That’s not to say that there can never be family nights in bed with the children watching cartoons and eating yummy foods together but it is to say that it should remain your and your husband’s private abode.

 

We wish you the best sister, and please do contact us if you have further questions.

Thanks for your response to my question "How to Deal with My non-Muslim in-Laws?" jazakillah khair. I haven't said anything to my mother in law when things have been said that upset me, I only actually said something once about the flirting comment 2 years ago apart from discussing the alcohol issue. I just wonder sometimes where the line is and when it is my Islamic duty to step in. My mother in law made a couple of jokes about my babies medication being method one (she was on heart medication). I don't know whether this is a good joke for my older child to hear. I know they don't understand at the moment but I can only hope inshAllah that these jokes aren't said when they do understand. Is this still the kind of comment I should ignore, am I too sensitive? A-non Muslim family member that heard this found it shocking and was surprised I didn't say anything. I don't limit their time with the children and I am loving towards them inshaAllah. If you do have time sister it would be great to have your input on that comment tho and this question too: should we say anything if my mother in law wants to involve the children in her astrology beliefs? She Is very passionate about star signs but I was told this is not allowed in Islam? Regarding the photo of me without hijab with the children, sending the picture on what's app to my MIL was my mistake, it didn't occur to me she would print it off which was stupid of me but I felt like I had to ask her to put the picture in her bedroom or somewhere more private because otherwise I wouldn't be following my faith properly since visitors would see me without hijab. I couldn't think of a better way to rectify this situation. I'm very conscious about keeping good relations with them and my husband said he will communicate with them about anything they may find difficult in the future which makes it easier for me. It's been 3 years since my husband converted so I'm sure in some way it's still an adjustment period for them and they are supportive at times about it too Alham dulillah . If you could email me back rather than put this on the website I would be really appreciate it. Jazakillah khair,



As-salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for updating us on your situation with your mother-in-law. It sounds as if she is continuing to overstep boundaries and has not calmed down with her insensitive remarks. The comment about the medication being methadone is certainly a strange way to try to be humorous. I think at that point sister I would have also been shocked and ask her why would she say that. Often times people have strange senses of humor, depending on the lives they have lived, experiences they went through and how they were raised as well. For example, if one grew up with a neighbor or family member who took methadone it sadly might become a joke once the person is clean. While it is not funny at all and is in fact very harmful and hurtful, people often say these things as a reaction formation to cover up the painful memories or thoughts they may have.

 
Yes it is often difficult to know when to say something especially when things said aren’t outright haram, such as the methadone comment; and especially when they are in-laws! I would at that point sister question her motives for saying that. I mean, why would she pick methadone? Why not joke and say a gummy bear or vitamin or something else? But no, she chose methadone and for her own personal reasons. I would wonder if she had a methadone problem somewhere in her past or someone she may have loved had an issue with drugs. I don’t know. But I do know people say and chose certain words either consciously or subconsciously because it pertains to them, and yes it is often subliminal as in a joking manner.

 
I would kindly suggest you speak to your husband about this particular statement and ask him if there was a history of addiction. The comment was clearly not normal. Ask your husband to speak with his mother, or perhaps you both can together and ask her if there is something bothering her. You can also point-blank ask her why did she chose the word methadone. While the comment in itself is not haram, it is indeed bizarre. I would also kindly suggest sister that you and your husband sit down with your mother-in-law and talk to her about Islam, our beliefs, values and principles if you have not yet. Perhaps with more information on our way of life, she will become more sensitive concerning her reactions and her speech. Also, at this point, I would also kindly suggest sister that you and your husband sit down and talk about what your boundaries are in your home, what should be permitted and what will not be permitted.

 
As far as astrology, there is no gray line, no tolerance nor silence as it is clearly haram. If your mother-in-law brings up the subject of astrology you need to tell her that it is forbidden in your home and that she is not to speak about it with your children. Explain to her why it is forbidden in Islam and express your gratitude to her for respecting your position on this. You should of course tell her in a kind way(or have your husband tell her) but make it very clear that as Muslims it is not something we involve ourselves in. I would not mention it though unless she brings it up, talks to your children about it or otherwise tries to impose it on you and your family.

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Regarding the picture, it is done and over with sister, as reverts we probably have pictures hanging in our relatives homes somewhere without hijab. You now know, that she is proud of you and her grandchildren and appears to not fully comprehend that hanging your picture up is haram for you. Insha‘Allah as her knowledge of Islam grows through talking with you and your husband, perhaps she will one day take it down.

 
It sounds like you are a wonderful daughter-in-law my dear sister, you have much patience, kindness and love, may Allah reward you immensely. It also sounds as if your in-laws love you very much and as you stated they are supportive at times of your Islamic way of life (some parents are not!). I would kindly suggest sister to continue to teach her about Islam, especially if she says something you know is haram (such as astrology or drinking alcohol) it could be your opportunity to teach her why we believe as we do. As far as the bizarre comments like the methadone, I would be more concerned with her-that something in her past is causing her anxiety or issues as that is not a normal statement. I would ask her “Mom, that was a strange thing to say, why did you chose methadone”? Perhaps she may confide in you a difficult period in her life, I do not know, Allah knows best.

 
Stay strong sister! It sounds like it will get better insha‘Allah; it sounds like she is just learning still about her son’s and your new way of life. It also sounds as if she is also trying too. I am also confident that she is supportive in some ways of your Islamic lifestyle due to your patience, kindness and loving approach. May Allah bless you sister with His choicest blessings. We never know what Allah has planned and He is the best of planners. Who knows, perhaps one day she will accept Islam through your loving kindness and beautiful example of a pious Muslima.

 

Please write us again if you have any further concerns sister, you are in our prayers.

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