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Ask About Parenting (Counseling Session)

Salaam Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Nov. 28, 2017 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakathahu. My 10-year-old son is very mischievous and always tries to hide his mistakes by telling lies. He is intelligent but loves to spend most of his time in craft activities. He is not careful with his belongings and always hits his sister who is very puny and just 1 1/2 years older. Please advise me as I am struggling hard to balance between my job and family. Mazak Allahu Khair



as salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear you are going through so much with your son. As I understand it, he tries to cover mistakes by telling lies, he is careless with his belongings and he hits his sister.  I can imagine the stress and frustration you must feel coming home to this after working very hard all day.

 

Insha’Allah I would kindly advise that you sit with your son when things are calm and ask him about his lying.  If he can admit to mistakes he makes and states he lies to hide his mistakes, maybe you can point out that as humans we all make mistakes and the best the thing to do is tell the truth.  Talk to him about what the Qur’an says about lying as well as give him stories and hadiths about what the Prophet (PBUH) said about lying and how he dealt with those who lied. Ask him why is he afraid of telling the truth and what does he think will be the outcome of the truth, and what will be the outcome of a lie.  Once he understands the seriousness of a lie insha’Allah he will begin to stop. It may take some time as sadly lying can become a habit, thus I kindly suggest that when he does tell the truth, reward his truth-telling to re-enforce it in his mind.

 

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I understand the stress you must be under with his carelessness of his belongings.  Things are expensive to purchase. as parents, we work hard to buy our children the things they need as well as the things they enjoy.  May Allah swt bless you for your efforts.  Carelessness in children is often times a lack of accountability.  If he is not careful with something and it gets lost or broken, explain to him you will not be able to get another and possibly he can do chores or work odd jobs to earn the money to purchase whatever was lost or broken due to carelessness.  You may be surprised at how quickly careless turns into carefulness when children have to actually pay for the things they broke with money they worked for. They quickly learn the value of not only money, but they learn the value of appreciation and preserving what they do have.

 

As he hits his sister, this is a physical transgression that must be dealt with as soon as possible.  Again, sit him down and tell him that hitting or hurting his sister is prohibited.  Insha”Allah explain to him there are no second passes, that if he hits her one more time you will take away (chose a craft activity that he loves) and it will not be returned until he has 1 week of violence-free interactions with his sister.  Please do however ensure that his sister does not antagonize him or otherwise taunt him into getting upset. Additionally, you may want to find out the reason he feels he needs to hit.  Ask him.  He may be getting bullied at school, he may be depressed, he may just be taking his frustrations out on his sister, however, you will never know unless you ask, and part of resolving an issue is knowing why it is occurring in the first place!  Thus I encourage you to try to spend more time with him if possible.  I know it is hard as you are working and juggling so much but if you can spend some extra time to talk with him and try to get to the root of what is going on by addressing him as a friend-one who is concerned, it may prove to bring much ease into your life by resolving what is going on now.   Often times as parents we are on overload.

 

Perhaps a quiet dinner, a relaxing, fun board game is just what you and your son need.  You are a wonderful parent and have raised great children. May Allah bless you for your efforts.  Right now, your son just needs some extra attention to find out what is causing these behaviors.

 

Insha’Allah your son will be receptive to your interventions concerning lying, as well as responsive to his responsibility to replace the things he was careless with. I am sure the hitting of his sister will cease when he begins to have his beloved crafts taken away as a result.  Insha’allah you can sit with your son and spend fun times with him as well as talk to him about what is really going on what is the root of his behaviors. Once the etiology is found, healing can begin and a more harmonious life for all.   You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 


My son is 2.8 years old. He doesn’t talk much. It frustrates both him and us. He understands a lot of what we say and he wants to communicate, he just gets so frustrated when we don’t understand him if he wants a specific thing if something is bothering him etc. He gets either very physically or loud, he usually just yells and. We took him to the doctor and a speak/language therapist, and nothing is wrong with him, he is just a bit slow to learn how to speak.He does know a lot of words, but mostly words like food/drink and objects. So the problem is when he wants to express something a bit more complex, like emotions, feelings etc. Any advice to handle this mutual frustration?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session with your concerns.  I am sorry to hear about your son’s frustrations with communication and expressing himself.  By this age, your son should know about 300 words and be able to put together very short sentences.  Regarding children and talking, TalkingPoints states that  (1), “Children will sometimes sound as if they are stammering or stuttering.  They are usually trying to share their ideas before their language skills are ready. This is perfectly normal, just show you are listening and give them plenty of time”.  Based on this developmental model it appears your son is right on target with his skills.   As you have had him checked out by his pediatrician as well as a speech therapist you can pretty well rest assured that he is developing at an appropriate rate.  This is a big relief I know!  On the other hand, then it seems your little guy has a lot to say but does not possess the ability yet to verbalize it is leading to frustration and outbursts.

 

I would kindly suggest that you implement art, perhaps sit with him when things are calm and color simple symbols for emotions.  A smiley face, a heart, a sad face, and so on.  You can tell him “I love you” and point to the heart.  Or “I am sad” and point to the sad face. You can create cards with basic things that he may want but cannot yet verbalize such as “grapes, banana, cereal”, etc.  You can utilize art “therapy” with him when he wants to express something he cannot verbalize.  He can point to the heart, the sad face, the bunch of grapes to illustrate what he is feeling or desires.   Perhaps you can even buy pre-made age-appropriate art cards that he can use to show you what he is feeling or what he wants.  While this may be advanced for his age, it doesn’t hurt to try and if he knows what he feels but cannot find the words, these short, simple art cards may help.

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You may also wish to use other creative techniques to help him convey his feelings such as charades -acting out an emotion -wherein you feel he is trying to convey he is sad so you make a sad face and put your head down and repeat “sad” a few times.  This can often turn into a fun game for children, especially those who enjoy being at the center of attention and acting.  There are many creative ways to help children express themselves, sister.  If these don’t work, please do ask his speech therapist.  I am sure she will have lots of ideas as this is her field of study.

 

Regarding his yelling and getting physical, boundaries need to be set and behaviors that are negative need to be addressed by not feeding into them.   If he starts to yell, tell him “no yelling” and walk away, or turn your back.  When he stops, come back to him and ask him what he wants.  If you do utilize the art cards you can come back with these, but only after he has calmed down.  Reacting in the way he wants you to, only re-enforces the fact in his mind that if he yells or gets physical, it is okay.  This has to be broken as a mode of communication as well as a mode of a power play.  Children know when they are frustrating their parents and will continue to do so until they get what they want after the parent has had enough.  In this case, as he is frustrated too, you will not only have to have the patience and consistency to stop re-enforcing this behavior, but you will insha’Allah begin to reward his good behavior, and also replace this negative behavior with something positive.  For instance, your son cannot verbalize that he wants cereal so he begins to kick the counter and yells.  Instead of asking him what he wants or trying to get him to stop, you tell him calmly “we don’t yell or kick” and remove him from the scene, put him in another room and walk away.  The first few times may be difficult as you may have to do it over and over but eventually, he will learn.  When he does “get it” you reward him with something that he likes while verbally praising him for his good behavior. You replace the kicking and yelling with the art cards or with another way for him to communicate.

 

Sister, I do not think this will last long insha’Allah.  Children grow so fast and by the time you implement these techniques he very well may have acquired more skills for verbal expression.  However, you still may have to break him out of his tantrums as they can develop into habits.  He sounds like a bright little boy and in a few more months I am sure you will be on to the next phase in his life!  We wish you the best!

 

1-http://www.talkingpoint.org.uk/ages-and-stages/2-3-years


Salamu alaikum. I'm a mother of 2 teenage sons. We are living in the US since their birth. They have many friends, Muslims, and non-Muslims. We are a practicing Muslim family Alhamdulillah and my sons used to go to the masjid with their father and have good manners. Recently, they started questioning every aspect of the religion and they are not keen to attend family gatherings or join their father in prayer. I don't know how to handle it, I thought about cutting their relations with non-Muslim friends but I know this will be very hard as they become older and impossible to control. I'm afraid they are going astray and will get influenced by their non-Muslim friends. I want them to be well integrated into society but preserve their Muslim identity at the same time. Please advise.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

You are going through the teen years with your sons and it is a most trying of times.  Your concerns-and their behaviors are often typical, in the US and other places.  Youth at this age tend to begin to question things, often to our dismay and surprise.  They sometimes seek other meanings to answers and ways of life that are different from how they were raised.  The sulky, often rebellious teen sometimes would rather sit in his/her room all day than be with relatives at a family gathering.  Teens from all walks of life can experience this phase from one degree to another.  Some may just balk and quietly complain while others go full on into leaving the home whenever they want, outright disrespecting parents and family and display other defiant behaviors.  While the teen years signify a time of much change-both physically and emotionally, it is often a time that young people seek an identity separate from that of their parents.  It is not that they do not love their parents, they do-however they are often seeking their own identity and sense of who they are as individuals.   Erikson (1) describes the teen stages as the fifth stage in life development as  “the fifth stage is identity vs. role confusion, and it occurs during adolescence, from about 12-18 years. During this stage, adolescents search for a sense of self and personal identity, through an intense exploration of personal values, beliefs, and goals”.   As you can see dear sister, much of what you are going through may be a result of your sons’ ages and their desire to explore different values and belief systems.  While I know this may not help much during this trying process, please be assured that it isn’t anything you have done nor is it likely because of non-Muslim friends.  Muslim teens who only have Muslim friends sometimes experience this as do Christian teens seek other belief stems to explore and shut out the family as well.  As disturbing as this is, you have raised them well and you have given them a solid Islamic foundation.  While this phase may seem to last forever and may appear to have tragic outcomes, most teens who go through this soul-searching, confusing times usually return to the origins of how they were raised.  It is more of a developmental phase than a permanent change for most teens.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you keep the lines of communication open, be there if they need to talk, continue to encourage them to pray, as well as spend time with family.  I would also kindly suggest that you try to get to know about their new interests-not to criticize or advise but to show interest and possibly be there for any questions they may have.   While I know this is hard, Islamically when our children have passed a certain age we are to be a friend to them.  In this relationship, we, of course, are still their parent but our role is different.  With that said, the goal would be gain their trust, know of their interests, thoughts, and feelings and advise them in a loving way that shows we respect them in their own choices but we can also express to them how we feel about their choices.  With this new type of relationship, it can be advantageous to us as parents because if we show  concern yet respect, we gain trust and open communication.  In this way should one of your boys need to talk to you about any issue-he will feel comfortable in doing so, thus you will be able to more easily guide him.  Some things to look out for during this transition, however, would be any behaviors indicating alcohol or drug use, sexual behaviors and so on.  Right now they just seem to be curious and rebellious but should a deeper problem rise please do consult with a counselor in your area.  Additionally, it is good to know their friends-both Muslim and non-Muslim for this type of behavior is non-discriminant, meaning Muslim and non-Muslims can fall off the deep end despite good upbringing.  If possible, get to know their friends on an intimate level-what are their interests, what do they enjoy doing, are they close to their parents, etc.  I would also kindly suggest that you try to find out about any new interests that they may have that are positive-and support them in getting involved in this activity/interest.  By showing support for a new idea they have or a new goal -which may seem odd to you but is not haram-you are creating closeness and a bond.  With closeness and a tighter bond, you have leverage for helping them get back on the right path insha’Allah.

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While the next few years may not be easy one’s sister  (or maybe this will phase out quickly!) they can be less traumatic if you take the Islamic role of trying to be a friend to them at this point.  While you and your husband do have your home rules that must not be broken, I am confident that you can navigate your way through these years with Allah’s mercy and help with great success.  You are a wonderful mother going through a common experience with teens.  It does not last, and insha’Allah when all is said and done, your boys will be closer to you and your husband than before.   This is a part of finding one’s true self, maturing and walking back to the foundation as an adult.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

 

1-https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html


Salam. I am afraid my son has ADHD. I talked to the teachers at the nursery and they also assume the same. What do I need to do now besides bringing him to the center for a diagnosis? What can I do with him at home? It is so hard to deal with him, he is always talking, he needs our attention in every second and if he does not get it for a minute he starts yelling. It is really hard. What can I do with him at home and what has caused him to have ADHD? JazakAllah.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session.  I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your son at home and at the nursery school.  I truly understand your concern about your son having ADHD, however, please do keep in mind that it is only speculation and he has not been assessed yet. While his teachers may feel the same way that he has ADHD, I am not sure if they are qualified to state that.  Only a trained professional who has assessed your son for ADHD can make that evaluation.    It could be that he does not have ADHD at all, and depending on his age he could be just a very active and controlling little guy.

 

I would kindly suggest that at home you begin to set more limits and boundaries so you do not re-enforce negative behaviors.  Boundaries also give a child a sense of safety in regards to their behaviors in terms of what is acceptable and what is not.   I would also suggest that when he does display self-control or does listen, that you verbally reward him and every so often reward his positive behavior with a treat.  Regarding negative behaviors-for instance, if he starts to yell because you are not giving him attention, do not give him attention to stop his yelling.  If he talks over you or displays other negative behaviors, promptly ends any conversation and tell him you will respond when he is calmed down and respectful.   Reacting in the way he wants (the way he now expects)  only re-enforces the fact in his mind that if he yells, he will get what he wants.  Thus, it will be a never-ending cycle.  Insha’Allah, when he starts yelling, tell him you will talk with him when he stops yelling and walk away (if he is in a safe place).   If he stops ask him if he is ready to talk.  I would kindly suggest that when speaking with him, that you keep your voice low and speak slowly.  Children tend to imitate our behaviors, voice as well as pick up on our emotions.  If we are stressed out, upset, frantic or otherwise in a hurry to get a certain behavior to stop, children will pick up on this and they will often follow our momentum.  By speaking slowly, softly yet firm, insha’Allah he will soon begin to relearn his communication skills by your lead.  At home, try to keep his environmental activity to a minimum.  A lot of noise or multiple activities at one time can be overwhelming even for adults!  A child as well, especially if a child is easily excitable, distracted or has problems with self-control.  This may be hard if there are other children in the home but try as best as you can to keep your child in a minimally active environment.  By doing so insha’Allah he will begin to learn how to self-regulate, increase his attention span as well as his patience.  When there are only a few things to focus on, it is much easier for him to process.

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As I do not know his age (i.e. 2-4; 4-6) there may be some variation due to his developmental stage.  Please do try to utilize these techniques at a level which he can understand and in a  language that he is familiar with.  I would also kindly suggest that you recite Qur’an often around him as well as do dhkir.  I would encourage him to join you in recitation and remembrance as both have healing and calming effects.  Please do get him evaluated.  Chadd.org (1) suggests “If you suspect that your preschooler has ADHD, you will want to talk to a professional who is trained to diagnose and treat ADHD such as your child’s pediatrician, a child psychiatrist, psychologist, clinical social worker or another qualified mental health clinician. It is also important to have your child checked for other conditions such as vision, hearing, or sleep problems because sometimes the symptoms look like ADHD”.   Again, it is quite possible that he does not have ADHD as many children who are thought to have ADHD by parents and teachers, in fact, do not.  If he does happen to have ADHD, it is not the end of the world, in fact, it is quite common and often times children outgrow it.  Treatment is geared towards behavioral interventions and medication as a last resort (1).  ADHD appears to have a genetic link as it tends to run in families but researchers have not conclusively determined what causes it.

 

Again, please do get him assessed as it may not be ADHD at all, implement the above interventions insha’Allah until the therapist evaluates him, and please give yourself a rest from worry!  I know it is a lot to deal with and you love him so much, but insha’Allah it will all work out.  You are in our prayers, please let us know how things go.

 

1-http://www.chadd.org/understanding-adhd/for-parents-caregivers/preschoolers-and-adhd.aspx


I recently read an article about that our children in today’s modern world are overloaded and suffer from lots of anxieties we adults put on them. So many things to study at school, many tests and exams, extra curriculum activities, preparation for the university…etc. Obviously, I cannot change the system of education, but what, as a parent, can I do to make life less stressful for my children, especially teenagers?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to us with your concerns.  You sound like a really good parent, wanting to balance your child’s life in a proactive way.   It seems that growing up, there is always a lot of responsibilities and stress.  If we look at this issue from a historic  (as well as current) perspective, we know that often children had not only a lot of chores at home (or if they lived on farm-farming duties) but also at school as students.  Keeping children busy and productive help keeps them from not only wandering off and getting into trouble but also gives them a sense of responsibility, a sense of being part of a collective effort as well as prepares them well for successful work relationships when they do have careers.

 

Trying to balance school responsibilities and all the things that come with becoming a young productive adult in this world may seem like an overwhelming task, however, children do seem to handle it rather well especially with parental support and normalcy.  For example, if your child is facing a lot of tests and deadlines, if you are stressing and worrying about it, your child may pick up on your emotional state and assimilate this into their mental framework.  In essence, how you react can cause your children to react in the same way- “catching feelings”.  This is called Emotional Contagion according to university sociologist Kei Nomaguchi (1).  There are various articles and research pointing towards the hypothesis that kids are more stressed out today than previous generations.  There is also research showing they are not.  While there are strong arguments on both sides, I think that the best way to address this issue insha’Allah is to monitor your child’s moods, ensure they are coping well with challenges, be an open ear for them if they need it as well as be supportive in positive ways that will boost their confidence and perceived abilities in themselves.  I would also kindly suggest that teens are taught coping skills as well as ways to reduce stress.  These tools will not only be used while going to high school and college but later on in life as well insha’Allah.   As a parent, you can also help insha’Allah by encouraging positive activities such as exercise, sports, quality social and family time as well as external interests and hobbies which can contribute towards a balanced and less stressful life for teens (and adults).  Maintaining a healthy diet,  drinking lots of water and keeping a schedule which includes a getting good night’s sleep is also important, as is prayer, time for going to the Masjid and time for connecting deeply with Allah swt who is our source of peace and comfort.

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It is also advisable to teach our children how to maintain a balance in life and that not all stress is bad.  Jayson (2) points out that “”some parents set out on a mission to get rid of stress in their kids, but the fact is, some degree of stress is very therapeutic and an appropriate amount of stress is what helps us become strong. The hard part is what’s appropriate,” Bradley says. “We do know the more we try to mitigate all stress in our children’s life the less resilient that child becomes and they feel hopeless about their own future.”   I kindly advise that you provide an open dialogue for your child, encourage healthy behaviors mentally, physically and spiritually as well as promote balance, and teach various coping skills as well as relaxation (de-stressing) techniques.  Lastly, insha’Allah try not to stress yourself out over the situation as your teen will pick up on it and perhaps become anxious as well.   I am sure that your child will get through all of these academic requirements and activities just fine insha’Allah.  You are a wonderful parent and your teen is blessed to have you in their corner cheering him/her on!  We wish you the best.

 

1-http://www.businessinsider.com/how-parents-set-their-kids-up-for-success-2016-4/#8-theyre-less-stressed-8

2-https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/02/11/stress-teens-psychological/5266739/


Salam Aleikom sister. On social media, I had a hot conversation with other Muslim women on whether an Islamic school can require its elementary school female students to wear a hijab as dress code when Islamically they might not be at the age when they are required to wear a hijab. As a mother, I do not think it is a bad idea even if she has not started menstruating yet because it is a way to get used to the Islamic dress code. It is my duty as a parent to do everything for my child to learn the Islamic norms and etiquettes and be in an environment when she learns about her religion and is not bullied because of being a Muslim. On the other hand, obviously, I do not want to force this on her. Where is the balance? Do you think it is ok that an Islamic elementary school requires girls to wear the hijab?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to us with your most important concern regarding your daughter and hijab.  While you did not state her age but did indicate it is an Islamic elementary school, insha’Allah the age-related advises will be appropriate.

 

First of all, sister, as you do want your daughter to get a solid Islamic education as well as being around other Muslim girls whom she can learn and grow with, I admire and respect your choice to put your daughter in an Islamic school.  Insha’Allah she will get a quality education, strengthen her Islamic knowledge through the years as well as find lasting friendships with the other little girls there.

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Regarding hijab sister, it really is up to the school whether or not they feel that the uniforms should include hijab.  As each Islamic school may have different rules and criteria for dress uniform (as in Christian schools as well)  it is up to you as the parent if you chose to abide by their rules regarding this or if you wish to take her elsewhere for her Islamic education.  However,  please do keep in mind that as an Islamic school, the missive is to not only educated but to prepare children for their future responsibilities.  In this case, as your daughter is not of the age wherein it is mandatory that she wear hijab, you may want to view the school’s decision regarding this as “prepping”.   During prepping a child is exposed to something that will be needed or useful for the future in the hopes that insha’Allah when the time comes, the child will be used to her/his new role or responsibility.  In this case, it is the hijab which is being introduced early and is made a requirement by the school.

 

Again, while I am not sure of the exact age of your child, you could explain to her that she will soon be required to wear a hijab anyhow and that this is a chance to start wearing it among peers and feel comfortable and safe while experimenting with styles, fabrics, and colors that she likes (if the school allows it).   You may also want to encourage her to explore different types of hijab which may be appealing to her.  If she feels she has a choice in some of these things, she may be more compliant and even start to look forward to wearing hijab.

 

You may also want to ask her how would she feel when she does become of age and has to start wearing hijab.  For instance, if she starts menstruating tomorrow or next week it would be mandatory.  By learning about her feelings concerning hijab now and addressing them as needed, you can insha’Allah ward off future resistance from her when it is spiritually mandatory.   You may want to discuss the significance of hijab in terms of her love and devotion to Allah, wanting to please Allah as well as her starting her journey as a young lady soon, with more responsibilities both spiritually and academically.

 

Has she worn hijab often before sister? If not,  in order to increase the joy of this experience for her, you may want to point out to her all of the cute little babies and young girls at the Masjid, in the shopping places, etc. who are wearing hijab in order to give her a reference point.  You may want to indicate that as part of her school code, she too will be wearing a hijab as she is nearing the age wherein young girls begin to mature.  You can also explain to her that mostly all school’s have dress codes and her school’s dress code includes the hijab.  Insha’Allah help her to see that it is an honor to wear hijab-that it is something special.  You may also insha’Allah, explain to her that all the other girls will be wearing hijab (like the ones she see’s at the Masjid and in social settings) and that she will fit right in. To help her with this transition, you may wish to have her pick out a few that she likes and have her begin to wear them around the home as well as out in public.  Of course, there is no need to force her at home as there is no compulsion in Islam however loving encouragement is indicated at this point.

 

Sister, as stated school’s have their own rules on dress codes-Islamic or other.  Even some public schools in the US have rules on length of the dress, not showing tummy, not being too revealing etc.  It makes sense that an Islamic school would choose to include the hijab in their uniform code.  While I am not an advocate to force a hijab on a child I do feel there are ways to help them see the benefits in hijab even at a young age.  The number one would be pleasing Allah swt and as she is a child-choice-she needs to feel she will have some input into this new process of wearing a hijab daily.  As stated this may be in the form of her choosing a hijab she likes if possible.  In this way, you are setting the rules for her to follow while at the same time giving her a sense of independence in choosing which may make the initial transition easier.

 

Concerning the school’s ruling on hijab, as you stated you can see how it would help in getting the girls acclimated towards wearing a hijab, insha’Allah sister, your response to this may be the balance you are seeking.  Your concern for your daughter’s Islamic education as well as her well-being along with your loving insight will help make her transition easy insha’Allah.  It is my feeling sister that once she starts going to school, make friends and see’s that everyone else is wearing hijab, she will quickly adapt insha’Allah.  At this age especially, children want to fit in and it sounds like you made a good decision regarding “where” it is you want your daughter to fit in.  Much respect foyourou sister, we wish you all the best, please let us know how she makes out.