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Ask the Counselor (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
15 November, 2017

Salaam Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Sunday, Nov. 19, 2017 | 14:00 - 16:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salmu Aslaikum, Please I need your advice. I have been dating a girl for a long time and she said she did istikhara about our marriage that we can't get married, please I want to know if I should do prayer about it maybe there can still be a solution to that. Please, I need your advice get back to me soon. ma sallam



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

I think the first issue here is that you have been dating this girl. I’m sure you both known that this is not permissible in Islam sonic won’t say much more in this aspect of the scenario, but I think it is important for you to understand how dating someone can influence the effect of istikhara. Naturally, dating someone will inevitably lead to feelings between the couple, regardless of whether there is any intention to marry or not.

 

These feelings will only interfere with the perceived outcome of the istikhara, because any feeling elicited as a result of the istikhara could easily be a result of the feelings that exist between the couple, rather than any guidance from Allah as such. It, therefore, becomes difficult to distinguish between what is a result of the istikhara and what is a result of the feelings already held towards the person as a result of prolonged close contact.

 

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The first thing I would recommend is to cease contact with this girl for the sake of Allah and falling into further sin. This is not to say that you could not go ahead and marry this girl at some point in the future, but please also understand the circumstances under which you have developed this liking for each other. You can continue to pray istikhara during this time and if Allah says it is to be then he will make it happen,  and if not then He will place barriers in the way.

 

It may be that this girl telling you that after praying istikhara she felt that the marriage could not move forward was already a sign that it is not to be. This is nothing to be sad about. You could even take this as Allah pushing you both to seek marriage in a more appropriate way, that’s in line with Islam and better for you both. It may therefore even be a blessing for you, as much as you are devastated by her saying that she feels you should not get married.

 

The other important thing you should do at this point is to ask Allah for forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and as I’m sure you are aware, having a girlfriend is not acceptable in Islam. I would thereof urge you to repentant to Allah with sincerity. To be in sincere in your request for forgiveness, you have to remember that you should do all you can to avoid falling into the same sin again, which means avoiding contact with this girl and all non-mahram women alone, except in the presence of their mahram. There is great wisdom in Allah’s command to interact with members of the opposite sex in this way in that it prevents us from falling into such difficulties as you face now.

 

Ultimately, understand that if things don’t work out with this girl then it is not the end of your chances of getting married. There are many women seeking spouses and Allah knows who is best for you. Perhaps give yourself some time to move on from this relationship and then start a fresh in search of a spouse in the correct way.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse that will bring you happiness in this life and the next.

I was being in a business as a partner with my murabbi. It is her business. I wronged her in matters of I doubt her strategy in the business and I resigned from the business. I can’t tell details because I am afraid I am too opening in wrong way. I just want to ask If your respected mentor dislikes speak with you again because that friction, and she is the one who inspires me about wanting business and having a big dream and the one who help me a lot when time is hard and the one who is opening the gate of me to understand the condition of the da'wa activists. What to do? I am wrong. I did not clarify or ask enough about things and it was the biggest grass root reason I am out from this business. I am wrong too in being not able stopping my assumptions. So maybe she feels negative too. Because, when the friction comes up I feel like surprised why she is angry. Now I can't move on to any movement. Either business or study to college or dream of teaching people, or empower people. I am feeling guilty and clumsy if I am getting outside.I am feeling like my self-esteem is lost. I am feeling sinful but she is a clear type woman. When she says no it is a no. So I don't know what to do. One year and a half ago, I was dropped out of college and she helped me answer some of my questions regarding some stuff I misunderstood and yet knowing. Would you answer in ways I could internalize?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It certainly is a difficult when you look up to someone as an inspiration, but after having expressed some doubts toward them a sense of tension is constantly felt with them. It is not unusual for people in this situation, like you, to wonder who they will now turn to for inspiration as well as feeling a sense of guilt for doubting someone they respect so much. This will naturally lead to feelings about how they might move forward in the field.

 

You state your concern about making assumptions, well, Islamically we are encouraged not to make assumptions about people as it can be very dangerous and impact on relations. This is something that you are unfortunately learning now. Maybe your assumptions are right, maybe they are not, but the only way you will know for sure is to actually talk with her about it and find out what is going on. Often there can be many other explanations for people’s seemingly negative behaviour towards you.

 

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This could be especially true in the world of business where there any number of things that could be causing her stress at this time. Things that’s perhaps she does not want to share with you. If you are comfortable to talk to her then you could try this, or if not then it is best to do all you can to not make assumptions about her anymore and instead practice making excuses for her attitude towards you, attributing it other potential reasons, such as stress at work. This will help you to overcome any hard feelings towards her which might be effecting your relationship with her.

 

Furthermore, you can learn your lesson from this experience and try not to doubt others. At this point, even if you want to work with her, if she really does have ill feelings towards you it will always be difficult and not conducive to successful business strategies. In this case, you have the option to find someone else to work with if it feels like you will not be able to work with her successfully anymore. There are many options available to you. You can go on to study or work. Instead of letting this experience hold you back, instead, use it to grow. Take lessons from it to help you to learn to work more effectively with others in the future.

 

If you still feel unsure about what route to take, find solace in the remembrance of Allah and even pray istikhara that Allah will guide you to do what is right for you and He will open all the doors that are best for you and close those that are not.

 

May Allah bring you ease during your difficulties and guide you to the path that is right for you that both you and He will be pleased with.

 

 

I want to get married but because I'm not pretty like other women that why I can't get. Please, I don't know what to do and my parents are disturbing me to get married. I have not contacted anybody yet, I have not received any proposal yet and I'm 24 years old thanks.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Marriage is a very important institution in Islam and it is only natural that at your age, you desire to get married. Alhamdulilah, it also seems that you have the support of your parents in the matter also.

 

If are yet to contact anyone and seek a proposal then this would be the primary reason at this point as to why you cannot find a spouse.  Whilst looks can be important in finding a spouse, there are other more important factors. Instead of focusing on the factors that you feel you are lacking, focus on your good points. It sounds a lot like you are lacking in self-esteem, so do take time to really think about all the good qualities that you have to offer that a spouse would be pleased with.

 

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Think about the following as well; imagine you were as beautiful as you wanted to be and a man proposed to you solely for this factor, you might then doubt that he has any interest in you other than the way you look. If someone marries you for your personality rather than the way you look, then you can feel more confident that he is marrying you for who you are and solely for how you look.

 

That said, there is also no harm in taking care of your physical appearance as well, even if it is just a means to boost your own self-confidence about the way you look. Additionally, engage in things that you are good at. Again, this will be a way to boost your self-esteem by reassuring you that there are things that you are good at, that you can feel positive about.

 

Also ask yourself, if you met a decent righteous man who has all the qualities of a good spouse,  yet was unattractive, would you turn him down. Bear in mind that someone can look very handsome/beautiful, but can have terrible personality characteristics and treat their spouses terribly. Physical characteristics, whilst desirable, are not the be all and end all of a successful marriage. In fact, they are probably amongst the least important things to look for when selecting a spouse.

 

The next step is to seek proposals, so you could ask your parents to help you out by putting the word out that you are looking. Sometimes this is best done via their friends or the local masjid. Likewise, you could also let your friends know that you are seeking a spouse.  At least if it is widely acknowledged that you are seeking a spouse, or at least accepting proposals then this will allow for opportunities to come your way.

 

During this time, continue to remain close to Allah, pray istikhara and ask Him to guide you to the best spouse for you.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will bring you happiness and success in this life and the next.

As-salam Alaikum. I'm an 18 years old male. I was exposed to pornography and masturbation addiction when I was around twelve, but Alhumdulilah, now I've overcome this habit with the help of Allah. The problem, however, is that in some way the effects of porn addiction still linger in my mind. This might sound extremely weird, I know, but since I've stopped this addiction, and have completely started detesting it, I've developed this sort of feeling that sexual intercourse is inherently something ugly and wrong. I don't know why I think like that. Sometimes I start thinking about all my elders in the family and my teachers and become disgusted over the fact that obviously being married they have done sexual intercourse too, and that when my time comes, I mean when I get married, I would have to do it too. The other side of the coin is that although yes I do suffer from this weird anxiety, but at the same time I'm even struggling to control my sexual desires. Sometimes I get feelings and fantasies about sex, I don't know why this happens. I know whatever I'm saying seems so gibberish, but at least I'm honestly opening up whatever I feel so that I can be counseled. I think it was because of my former addiction to pornography that my brain has been affected in this way. Please advise me as to what I should do.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

What you are saying makes perfect sense and is a perfect example of why pornography is forbidden in Islam. Unfortunately, in your case, it seems that your exposure to pornography was involuntary, perhaps at the hands of a family member.  However, there is nothing that can be done to go back and erase that, but instead you can find ways to.manage the consequences of this addiction.

 

Understandably, you go through a mix of emotions; both having sexual desires, but then at the same feeling repulsed by it at other times to the point of fearfulness about the fact that when you marry you will have to engage I this act that sometimes makes you feel so disgusted.

 

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Islamically, a way we are encouraged to avoid such addictions through acts such as lowering your gaze. Unfortunately, having already been exposed to it you are aware of the consequences of such an addiction. However, there are many steps that you can take to help to overcome this addiction, whilst developing a healthy association with sex that is not related to what you have viewed in pornography.

 

Firstly, make sure to ask for Allah’s forgiveness as Allah loves to forgive. Strengthen your relationship with Him and seek His guidance and surely He will keep you steadfast and In the straight path if only you also make the effort to take the steps to stay o the straight path and away from things that might tempt you to desire to watch pornography again. The very fact that you are confessing to have a problem will make it a lot easy to present yourself humbly in front of Allah in seeking His forgiveness.

 

You can help yourself to avoid such thoughts by adhering to Allah’s commands to lower your gaze. This will prevent you from seeing ladies who might trigger such thoughts that might make you feel like seeking pornography again.

 

Make sure to keep Allah in mind in all that you do in order that the fear you feel of Allah will be so strong that will do all you can to avoid falling into anything sinful.  Likewise, make sure to seek protection from Shaytan. Again, this can be done by increasing worship of Allah so as to keep Shaytan at bay. Completing regular fasts and reading the Qur’an can be a great way to accomplish this.

 

Keep yourself busy in things that don’t allow you to have spare time where you might be tempted to go back to your addiction again.

 

It is natural at your age to be having such feelings and Islam has the perfect solution by encouraging marriage as a means to have such needs met in a way that is acceptable. Therefore, you might consider this as well, to prevent yourself from falling into sin. At the same time, make sure to be doing all you can to overcome your addiction and keeping it at bay as of you have a hard time curbing the addiction, then it is something that could have a terrible impact on your marriage. Remaining steadfast in your Deen will greatly help you in this task.

 

May Allah guide you and help you to overcome your difficulties.

As-salmu `Alaikum, I got a marriage proposal from a friend's brother( arranged way ). I didn't know anything about him. So I started praying istekhara daily for a week, in meanwhile my parents asked my uncle ( who is a very pious person and solves religious matters) to tell them if the proposal is right. He told that everything is well, go for it. But I got to know that he was very short in height than me. I am very tall. Like difference of about 5cms. So I told my parents about it, then my parents told his parents about this concern and said that we will meet him first when he comes from abroad and if before that any one of us gets another proposal, nobody should be bound. So now I am super confused that if it was from Allah that I accidentally found out or if my uncle was right and we are disobeying Allah's decision (the groom's side had a misunderstanding about my height too. So I always think that why will they accept such a tall girl for their son after knowing now). It has been six months, I get proposals but get no replies back from people, so I wonder if my friend's brothers proposal is the one for me? Please guide me in the light of Islam.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Firstly,  you did the right thing in praying istikhara for such an important decision. This is something it would definitely encourage you to continue until you find a spouse.

 

Marriage is a very important, long-term commitment so it is only natural to be anxious about choosing the right partner.  Alhamdulilah, you have had support from your family in finding the best person for you. This is a blessing that not everyone has, and can make finding the best person for you a whole lot easier and less stressful as you have the input of others in finding someone that will be suitable for you. You are moving forward in the best way by ensuring there are no haram interactions between you both and are allowing the families to continue with organising things.

 

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It certainly does sound like Allah is making things easy for things to move forward with this particular proposal and it looks like barriers seem to have come in the way of you marrying anyone else, so maybe this is Allah’s answer to your istikhara. Do continue to pray and Allah will continue to guide you and make what is meant to be happen.

 

It sounds like a decent arrangement has been put into place regarding moving forward with a meeting son that you can actually meet one another and see how you get on. Furthermore, the agreement that at this point you are still free to explore other proposals should they come up is very reassuring too. Until you actually marry someone, you are not bound to anyone, so there is no harm during this time to continue your search. If Allah has planned someone else for you,  then it will happen and your marriage to your present proposal is not bound to go ahead.

 

Do remember amongst all this, that the minor matter of height is not really the best reason to decline marriage to someone. It may be that he is short, but is a decent, pious man who will fulfill his role very well as your husband. Likewise, it may be that a taller man, that physically meets your requirements may be a rotten man, who doesn’t practice and treats you poorly.

 

This is the kind of information you will only get from actually going ahead with a meeting with this man. With your family present, they will also be able to offer their opinion also with your best interests at heart. It sounds like your family are very supportive of the whole matter, so you can trust them to support you through to an actual marriage.

 

In the mean time, don’t close yourself to other potential proposals and keep your options open. In sha Allah the best person will cross your path; whether it is the present man in question, or someone else.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best decision and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Asalamu Alaikum, I have been married more than a year blessed with a baby girl now AL hamdulelllah. My question is my wife had been lots of sickness like a migraine, thyroid, blood pressure and since we got married right from the beginning she is sick as she is just 29 years now. I didn't take it otherwise I thought it is my fate ALhamdulellah. The main issue I am facing she thinks that I am in a bad relationship with my younger sister as I love her just like my daughter, she said me twice not to be nearby her. I feel she is having some mental sickness, I am not sure but once she gets angry she is out of control. I hope you can understand what problems I am having. Can you please write me some useful solution. Thank you



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Masha Allah, congratulations on your marriage and birth of a baby girl. May Allah make them both the coolness of your eyes that will bring you much happiness in both his life and the next.

 

It can be a big challenge when our loved ones face chronic illness and difficulties as your wife is. Not only will you be potentially almost feeling the pain for her as I’m sure you don’t like to see her suffer, but at the same time it places an added stress in your daily life. When going through such hardships, naturally we like to turn to others that we are close to, such as siblings, to experience a bit of comfort in our lives. Unfortunately however, such relations may make things difficult for our other loved ones, such as a spouse. This can be for a number of reasons.

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Jealousy can be one of them, especially if it is that the spouse in this case feels like they are concentrating to much attention on the sibling in this case. Even though this might be far from the truth, it may be that she feels you are abandoning her to spend more time with your sister. In this case, there is no problem in you spending time with your sister as you are her mahram.

 

The only time it could be a problem is if she was interfering in your marriage, or if you were actually spending too much time with her to the point that you were neglecting to take care of your role as her husband. It may be that you don’t feel like this is the case, but you should certainly try and take a step back and analyse if any of these things might be happening. If you still feel not, then understand why your wife might feel this way.

 

Being so I’ll she might feel she requires more of your attention than she is receiving, but at the same time, she also needs to understand that you are also a brother too and have duties to your sister also and that there is no harm in you spending time with her also. She does also need to understand that spending time with your sister does not eliminate your love for her too.

 

You might therefore make sure to make an effort to show her this love to make her feel more secure in your marriage that she will not feel upset about you being with someone else who you are entitled to be with.

 

Perhaps a way to make this easier on all parties might to have regular designated time to both your wife and sister. This way your wife will be clear about when and where you will be with your sister and it will be clearer to her then how much time you do actually spend with her son that she cannot say you spent too much time with her. Obviously, this also needs to apply to your wife also.

 

One thing that many couples find helpful is to have a date night say once a week. Perhaps your sister could help take care of your daughter at this time. This will allow you the space to spend quality time alone together and strengthen your marriage. This will make your wife feel special and loved. Making this a regular thing will also provide her with a security that no matter how much time you spend with anyone else, she always has this protected time with you each week.

 

Encourage good relations between your wife and sister. Do something all together. It may be that she has an issue with your sister because she simply doesn’t know her very well and may be making negative assumptions about her because she has nothing to go on other than that you spend a lot of time with her. Perhaps you could invite your sister round regularly so that your wife can get to know her more and make relations easier between you and them.

 

It may be that the stress of this scenario is only making her physical  (and mental) health worse, so taking these steps to reassure her and give her special attention may even be a boost to her wellbeing too.

 

May Allah bring you ease and contentment in your marital home as well as wider family relationships.

My girlfriend just converted to Islam because she wanted to be my life partner. I refused to marry her because she is a Christian lady and I promised to marry her if she converted to Islam. Finally, she agrees despite several life threats from her friends, parents and relative and now she is a good Muslim. Unfortunately, when I told my parents they strongly opposed it and threatened to disown me if I did not obey their order. Now my question to you Is that did I have any excuse to tell Allah subhanahu wata'ala for not marry this girl who I have promised to marry if she converts to Islam? And the worse case is that she threatens to revert back to Christian if failed to fulfill my promise and marry her. Please sheikh help me out.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Firstly, I just want to be clear that I am not a sheikh, but as a counselor, I can answer your query from a psychological perspective based in how this situation is causing you such distress. I would, therefore, urge you to ask a sheikh also regarding the Islamic rulings on your situation.

 

Entering into a marriage, whilst encouraged in Islam due to its many benefits and protections, is a very blessed thing, but also comes with many challenges also. Marriage often requires compromise and getting used to quite a different way of life that can be quite different to what you have been used to as you suddenly have a new role and responsibility assigned to you and will be accountable to Allah for how you chose to fulfill this role.

 

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Entering into a marriage that does not have the support of both families can present with many difficulties and places added pressure on the relationship. This is not to say that it not possible to successfully move forward with such a marriage because it is and in fact, in some cases, the marriage can be even stronger due to the strength built as a result of facing such adversities together. As long as both spouses are prepared to work through these difficulties together then it is entirely possible for such a marriage to work successfully.

 

At this point, I would advise you to make lots of istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision in moving forward that will be best for you and this girl and most pleasing to Him. During this time, think about the potential good and bad points about marrying this girl and the potential consequences of taking either option. Whilst doing this, also keep in mind what the most important things are to you.

 

Obviously, it is important to keep your parents happy (as long as they are not encouraging you to do something that goes against Islamic principles) and it’s important to respect their opinions, but at the same time marriage is also encouraged and very important in Islam also. When considering your options think about how pleasing each option will be to Allah also. Sometimes even writing these things down can make things much clearer as you see a visual representation of what you are thinking about. You can also add things to the list as you think about them.

 

It is a very important decision to make so be sure to give it plenty of thought and not rush into anything. As I said to use this time to seek plenty of guidance from Allah.

 

In the meantime, I would advise you to withdraw contact with this girl, certainly just the 2 of you at least, to avoid any interference from Shaytan. Such interactions can only make feelings between you stronger which may hold a heavy influence on your decision in a way that is tainted by these feelings rather than what is truly best for you both.

 

May Allah guide you to the best decision; one that will be pleasing to both you and Him. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

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