As salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. You discussed a brother whom you are interested in and stated he is interested in you as well and that you are both “deeply in love”. I am not sure to what extent this relationship is truly a relationship as some feel they have a relationship if they talk on the phone once in awhile, or if they meet in public with guardians to get to know one another, or if they have only met once and agreed to be in a “relationship” which means getting to know one another in a halal way for purposes of marriage.

Others would state that a relationship is one in which two people see each other on a regular basis, do things together alone as well as with others, and generally consider themselves a couple with no restraints. As you know sister, in Islam this is haram. While it does not sound like this is what is happening here, it does sound like you both have crossed some very serious boundaries as you both did plan a kiss and followed through with it. I would kindly suggest sister that you refrain from further behaviors such as this, stop being alone with this man (if this is the case) and ask for Allah’s forgiveness. While we all sin and make mistakes as we are human, what makes us a conscious Muslim who strives to please Allah is our regret and sorrow when we have fallen short or committed a sin. We then are driven with guilt and pain and seek Allah’s forgiveness.

You expressed concern that this man does not feel remorse for the kiss at all, in fact, he wants more! Why, because he states he loves you? Any man (and a lot do) can say they love you to try to entice you into behaviors that are haram.  In reality, it may be true to an extent; however, when you love someone you do not encourage them to go against Allah nor do you proclaim your love and not initiated marriage.

Sister, I would kindly suggest that you follow your concerns about him not being remorseful for the kiss.  If he truly loved you and was truly seeking to please Allah (and not his desires), he would have expressed remorse, set things on the right track such as not being alone with you anymore, by asking to speak with your parents in regards to marriage and explaining to you that what happened was haram and cannot happen again. But he didn’t.

Dearest sister, the issue here is that he “hasn’t really settled down” as you stated. This is a key factor when wondering if this is “love” or not; if this a serious proposal for marriage or not. While yes we all fall short, we all slip up from time to time and we all sin, we usually are grounded enough to repent and get back on the right track. It does not seem that he has this ability yet. I would kindly suggest that you stop seeing him, stop communicating with him and seek out a brother who is truly settled and serious about finding a pious, grounded wife to marry. It appears sister (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) that this man is seeking his own desires at this time and not those of his Lord and certainly not yours. Your desires reside within pleasing Allah. I am confident that you are an intelligent, beautiful and pious young lady and will find someone who treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve, and will not cause you to feel confused or wondering if it is love or lust. In sha‘ Allah, sister, seek a man who wants to marry you for the sake of Allah and because he sees things admirable in you that will make for a compatible wife, not one who is not settled and certainly not one who leads you knowingly into haram acts. You are in our prayers sister.

Please let us know how you are doing.