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Teens and Love Counseling session with Hannah

Hannah Morris
20 January, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2019 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I am married to a non-believer. Things were ok until we had children. He strongly objects that I raise the kids (12 and 13 years) as Muslims. But I insisted as I see it as my obligation as a Muslim mother, to raise my offspring in accordance with Islamic teaching. Now arguments and fights between me and my husband occur daily.

It has gotten to the point where he said he's lost his feelings from me and wants a divorce. On one hand, I am proud when I see our kids have become believers, do their daily prayers, fast in Ramadan and read the Quran, on the other hand, I have been haunted by self-doubt: is this the right thing for me to do? Does Allah want me to raise my kids in Islam but therefore sacrifice my marriage? My heart sinks and cries thinking that I might be the doing sin for hurting my husband.

I pray every day to Allah for an answer and it would certainly help me to hear your point of view. Thank you in advance.



As-salamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakahtuh,

 

To give you a purely Islamic answer, it is not permitted for a Muslim woman to marry a non-muslim man in the first place for the very reasons that you are experiencing. I knew those words will be of little comfort right now and possibly you were already aware of this anyway.

 

However, dwelling on this in responding to your query will not be of any benefit to how you are feeling, as well as being out of my remit as a counselor rather than a scholar. Regarding the legal matters concerning your marriage, I would urge you to seek advice from a scholar.

 

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Once you come to know the correct way forward Islamically, this will in sha Allah ease your emotional burden in the confidence that you are doing what is best for you and your children as well as being the not pleasing path to Allah.

 

Alhamdulillah, despite your husband’s objections your children seem to be following the correct path and maintaining their obligations in line with their natural inclination towards Islam. Alhamdulillah, this is a good start and will make things easy for you as you move forward..

 

This aside, there are other things to consider also regarding how to make the process as smooth as possible whether it is that you stay together or get a divorce. If you stay together, there will need to be open communication between the 2 of you for the sake of your children. It is important that they are raised as Muslims, but understand that if you stay with your husband this will be an ongoing challenge for you both if he continues to object to it and will be something that will require some serious thought and discussion on as he is the father and will have certain rights over them too.

 

Maybe a compromise could be made where they get their Islamic education from the local madrassa. However,  this route will come at a cost that could potentially compromise both yours and your children’s Deen. which you need to consider very carefully.

 

If you choose to divorce then you can continue raising them in the way of Islam that you are without worrying about upsetting their father. However, you must be compassionate to what they are going through in the divorce process and don’t allow this to be the thing that will cause them to dislike Islam’s t thing that caused their parents to divorce. Make sure to get plenty of support for yourself during this time also to ease any emotional and practical difficulties you may face along the way.

 

Take time to consider your various options and the consequences of the same. Consider the strengths and weaknesses of choosing each path and what will be most pleasing to Allah.

 

Whichever choice you make, continue to pray for your husband that he will see the light of Islam and love it the way you do. Also, pray istikhara that Allah will guide you to do what is best.

 

May Allah reward your concern for children and protecting their Deen. May He guide you to do what is best for all and most pleasing to Him.

Aslam o alaikum, I am a married man living with my parents who are quite old and sick enough even that they cannot take care of their basic household like cooking, washing and other housing chores My wife is demanding a separate house to live and she is not willing to live with and take care of my parents. I know as per sharia I cannot force her to live and take household care of my parents. Fine.

Now please let me know if i move out of my parents’ house with my family and children, who is then supposed to take care of my parents in the above manner as definitely i will be working to meet the needs of life and cannot become available to do the above duties?.

(Before answering please bear in mind that I am in no financial circumstances so as to employ some nanny or servant to take care of my parents, even we ourselves will be moving to a rented house).



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh ,

 

This is a difficult scenario for you as younhave many nerds of others to meet whilst also taking care of your own. You are responsible for you wife and children, but also for your parents. Of course as you say,  whilst it would be ideal if everyone could live under one roof and your wife help out with your parents it would be ideal.

 

But, it is not uncommon for wives to dislike this idea and prefer to have their own space and demand their own rights to be fulfilled. You as a husband must attend to everyone’s need,  but this is understandably a difficult challenge, as it is for many men. However, there are ways that you can deal with this to try and make it is easy as possible given the situation you are in.

 

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Firstly, working with your own situation could work out to be more ideal if you can get the cooperation of your wife. This is best done through a process of compromise in such a way that you can both have your needs met. Perhaps you could talk to her about the difficulties of maintaining what she would like to help her see things from your perspective. Help her to understand how you are feeling. Likewise, take time to think about how she feels. She has children to take care of an naturally as a grown woman would like her own space as well as the mental space to be herself.

 

Perhaps, between you, you could arrive at a compromise where you could provide her with living space of her own as she desires, but ask her if she can help out with your parents. Perhaps she could go to their place for a short period every day or every other day to help out with cooking and cleaning.

 

If you have provided her with her own space as she has asked for she may be more willing to comply with your requests too. Let it be known toner that you are not expecting her to be their full time carers, but that you would appreciate her help on a reduced level compared to what it was before whilst living in with them. It be that simply having her own space makes her more willing to do this as she has the requirement that she has been seeking.

 

Do also understand that to take care of anyone is a lot of hard work. Taking care of children and parents can really take its toll, so make sure to also give her the love and support she needs during this time. This will improve her own wellbeing that she will be in a better condition to perform such duties and it will therefore be less of a burden to you. This will also contribute to making your life less stressful in the knowledge that the needs of everyone is taken care of which will be reassuring for your own wellbeing too.

 

Additionally , if you cant afford to bring someone else to come and help out with your parents, is there anyone else in your family who can? Any siblings that could become involved for example so you can share tasks between you.

 

May Allah ease your affairs and bring you comfort, happiness and success in this life and the next.

 

Assalam alaykum, I just got married again and Allah blessed me with two little kids Alhamdulillah and my husband was married to a Christian woman in the American way and he had a son from her. The Child is Christian; he is 16 years of age. What should I do when he comes to see his dad?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakahtuh,

 

Alhamdulillah, you have been blessed with marriage and children, but are a little concerned about how to be with your husband’s 16-year-old Christian son from a previous marriage who is coming to visit.

 

Of course, the most important thing to begin with to keep things correct is to behave in the most appropriate way Islamically. As he is not your mahram, you should adhere to Islamic guidelines and make sure to not be in a scenario where you will be alone together. Also, make sure to remain dressed appropriately when in his presence.

 

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This can easily be attained by planning ahead. With your husband beforehand make a plan of things you can do whilst he is there, be that going out together as a family, or doing something at home together. This is also important for your own children in developing a healthy relationship with Their big brother. As their mother, you should encourage such to create strong bonds and family ties between them that they can maintain into adulthood.

 

This time together can enable you to find out more about him and his interests as well as being positive role models for Islam also. Without being forceful about religion, he can see Islam practiced naturally and in sha Allah come to see the beauty of the Deen. Perhaps he will become curious and ask further questions about Islam that will open his heart to the religion.

 

You might also think to ask your husband thinks about what kind of food he likes so you can prepare ahead accordingly and ensure a smooth visit.

 

Aside from spending time together as a family, you should also allow your husband and him to spend some time alone together. This will be beneficial in allowing them to develop their own relationship too following what may have been a difficult time of separation during the divorce process with his ex-wife.

 

From here, perhaps you could organise a plan for future visits also to maintain regular contact with him allowing your husband and children especially to bind with him and for you all to always be prepared for when he will next come to visit that you can plan to do things that will be beneficial as well as entertaining for you all.

 

May Allah make the visit a success and may He increase the ties of kinship between the family.

 

As-salam Alaikom,

I do not know how to begin; I’ve been through so much emotional trauma for years (about 13 years) now that it’s affected my mental state. I have brain fog; I’m forgetful and have aches and pains all day, everyday.

Here it goes...

I “agreed” to get engaged with my cousin when I was 17 years old and still in high school. I wasn’t forced to say yes and I don’t know why I did. I thought it would be a good idea for my cousin to come here to Canada and he’ll be like a son to my dad. Then after communicating with him I realized we are two different people, we could never be on the same page. It became that much more obvious to me when he moved here from back home. I started feeling depressed, helpless and caged. Then my father noticed the change in me and he told me that if I’m not happy he could end it, it’s not like I was married, I didn’t need a divorce. That gave me courage and I voiced my opinion and let it be obvious that this is not what I want.

My mom was much more strict than my dad and she changed my dad’s mind as well. They started being upset with me, they would emotionally blackmail me, my dad would come to my room and sit on the floor and cry. I felt so guilty but I could never deny the fact that this was not what I wanted. Every time I imagined my life with him I felt like I’m suffocating. They tried to cut every friend that I had from my life basically to isolate me.

This lasted 2 years and in the process, I found Islam, though I was born into a Muslim family but we never really practiced properly because of lack of knowledge. I educated my self, I attended Islamic conferences and eventually started wearing the hijab.

Then came a time when everything was calm at home, I enjoyed being at home with my family unlike before when I’d dread to come home from school or work. Then suddenly they brought the topic up again, by that time I was tired... I was tired of all the emotional torture, I was tired of my self and I said yes to the marriage. Though they all knew I wasn’t happy they still let it happen. I cried on the day of nikkah infront of my mom and she just let it happen. I would like to add here that though I wasn’t happy my heart was a little at ease, I thought Allah would shower me with blessings, I wouldn’t regret this decision because I made my parents happy and hence Allah would be pleased with me. But that was far from the truth...

After marriage I wanted a baby right away, I knew if it was just him and I alone under one roof I’ll die. 9 months later my eldest daughter was born. 2 years later we had our second child, who was obviously very different. I was in denial at first, I thought she’s perfectly fine. We started visiting various doctors, genetics, neurologists, ophthalmology and etc etc. We saw her getting poked at almost all appointments either for blood or anesthesia.

We didn’t get an answer for 2 years, all the tests that we did cam back normal. And so before giving it much thought and because I felt so incomplete, we tried for another child. And that’s when our world took a 360-degree turn. We just then found out that our daughter has a genetic disorder and that my husband and I are carriers of a faulty gene which would cause severe disability in 1 out of 4 of our kids. Weeks later we learned that our unborn child is also effected. Many doctors advised that I get an abortion but were against it, again because I/ we wanted to please Allah, and all the while I prayed and hoped for a miracle and I was convinced that this time something good will happen to me. I hoped for a healthy child, if not then I asked Allah to not bring him on earth.

When the baby was born he was kept in the hospital for various complications. Eventually, they sent him home and since I’ve been living like a full-time nurse to my kids. I cannot work, I cannot continue my studies. I’m hopeless. I constantly curse those that forced me into this life, including my parents. I curse my self and my misfortune.

I still wish for another baby, I feel incomplete. I see my friends and relatives with their newborns, reaching milestones and celebrating the occasion and my heart just aches. I’m not jealous, I feel like I’m hopeless of Allahs mercy because every time I’ve remained positive and only hoped for the best, the opposite has happened.

I feel as though I’ll never see happiness. I will never be able to celebrate anything like my friends and relatives. I’ll forever remain a full time nurse, I’ll always be crying in secret and calling on Allah and still remaining hopeless.

I really want these feelings to end, what should I do about it? I want to feel like I could call on Allah again, I want to feel like He Hears me and doesn’t ignore my pleas. What should I do? Nothing helps, nothing makes this feeling go away. And I want another child, a healthy child, my daughter deserves a “normal” brother or sister, who would be there for her after my husband and I are gone.

Please advise.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister

Thankyou for sharing your story. Masha Allah, Allah has tested you for some time, first with regards to your marriage and now with the children that He has blessed you with.

 

When faced with such trials, it becomes easy to focus on the negatives whilst looking to others who have a different lifestyle to us. All the while such thoughts lead us to feel sad and unable to attend to the immense blessings in a seemingly hopeless situation. So, I’d like to begin by highlighting these things that could be easily overlooked by you as you experience life in your situation day after day.

 

  • At some point or other most parents will experience negative feelings towards being a parent and are left feeling down about parenting for a time and fulfilling their role and being happy as a parent. It is a challenge to be faced whatever the cause of that sadness is, be it disobedient children, difficulties with custody with a divorced parent, or any type of disability that a child could have. The point is, parents will struggle with their children for one reason or another and that is part of the life of being a parent, but alhamdulilah, these are tests that will come with abundant blessings if managed appropriately.
  • Whilst parents are struggling to raise their children, there are also many who are struggling to even conceive in the first place, or they face consist loss after loss, sometimes even struggling with marital relations or to even find a spouse due to these fertility issues. Such people may even say that they would give up everything to have a child regardless of if they would have a disability or not. That is not to say that you are ungrateful for your blessing, but a reminder that the ability to even have children as a natural process is so easy to take for granted.
  • Children are a trust to us from Allah and Allah deemed that you are strong enough and worthy of the test and great reward that comes with caring for children with more complex needs than your ‘average’ child. That is something to feel very proud of. Allah know that not all people are cut out for such challenges, or even worthy of the reward, but you are.
  • Remember the Hereafter. Trials in this life will be rewarded with the best in the Hereafter and isn’t that what we are striving for? This life is simply a preparation for the next and by passing these tests. The grander the test in this life, the bigger the reward in the next. After all, we know that the beat of people before us were those who faced greater trials than we can even imagine, yet we known that the rewards awaiting them are immense. Sometimes this can be difficult to connect with which is why it is important to remain strong in your Deen and remain close to Allah in hope of His Mercy both in this life and the next.
  • Others that you look to outside who don’t have children with disabilities may seem like they have the more ideal life as they are not faced with this daily challenge, but it is possible that whilst on the outside they seem to have a perfect life they may be facing other struggles that you don’t see; struggles that they cry about and may even be looking to you wishing they could be in your situation.
  • As for your daughter, having disabled siblings will instill a sense of mercy and compassion in her that many children are not able to develop to a deep level at such a young age. These are great skills for her to have that will benefit her greatly throughout life, both in this life and the Hereafter. If you feel she needs time with other children who don’t have disabilities also, you can get her involved in outside activities so she can develop strong friendships with other girls and have fun that way

 

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In addition to these considerations,  make sure to take of yourself. Being a full time carer means that you probably have little time for yourself which can only add to the difficulty and make it even more difficult to focus on the positives. If there is anyone who can help you to take care of your children for some time each week, or even your local social services should be able to assist, even if only for an hour or two just to allow you to have time to yourself, this would be beneficial to your own wellbeing, which is very important for you, your relationship with others and your ability to care for your children.

 

Being away from the situation for a short time will help you to appreciate it more also. You are working very hard and you to deserve some time for yourself also. Don’t felt like a failure to ask for assistance sometimes, because it is in everyone’s best interests that you get this much needed and deserved help. During this time, spend time with others and/or start a new hobby/do something new that you’ve as wanted to try and give yourself an added feeling of purpose to strive each day, leading away from the feelings of helplessness that you are currently experiencing.

 

May Allah bring you ease during difficulty and maybe reward the hard work you put into raising your beautiful family.