As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. My dearest brother I’m so sorry to hear about all the difficulties and hard times you are going through. It is not easy moving to a new country and trying to make a life. A lot of people think that America is the land of the rich and that is easy here. As with others who move here, your finding out it is not. You have sacrificed so much for your family to have a better life. You sound like a wonderful father and husband, may Allah swt bless you abundantly.

 

In America

Most American’s must work long, hard hours to provide for their families. They face the same issues and fears with their own children concerning morals, chores, school, and keeping their kids on a good path. Most families have both husband and wife work just to be able to provide the basics for their families, and there’s a lot of poverty in the US as much as there is wealth. However, most American’s are just “getting by”. I guess this could be said about any country, really.

 

Your situation is unique however as you immigrated here and therefore there are adjustments in culture, lifestyles, people and norms. However, in America there are many different cultures and ethnicities and you can find people from almost everywhere in the world who live here. While this may not be appealing to some, others find the interactions enriching and educational. There are a lot of Muslims in America. There are also a lot of good people in America of all different backgrounds, ethnicities and skin colors. There are also a lot of negative people just like anywhere else.

 

I understand your concern regarding your daughter dating and my heart goes out to you. I am sure it is a big change from the country from which you came from. All countries have plus and minus. Countries such as Egypt and Saudi Arabia for example, have teens who do not listen, and nothing is perfect there either. Some children date secretly, drink alcohol and do other haram things. Therefore, it is not really the place that you are in, it is individual choices that teens make.

 

Adjusting to a New Life

 

Naturally America is a more laid-back culture and is more permissive when it comes to dating, however this is your daughter’s choice nobody is forcing her to do this. I am sure as a 15-year-old in a new country she just wants to fit in. However, she chose the wrong group of people to “fit in” with. A lot of families who immigrate here go through the same issues with their children. They want their children to hold onto Islamic ways, yet the children feel like outsiders and want to try other lifestyles. This may be a phase that your children are going through as they adjust to a new way of life.

 

I have seen many cases where this has happened, and the children usually do return to the path of Islam. They find out that what they thought was fun and exciting was harmful and not a good path to take. I am confident that insha’Allah your daughter will return to her family values and Islamic foundations.

 

I understand you attend a Masjid now as a family. Are there teens there that are your children’s ages? I will kindly suggest brother that if possible, you take your daughter(s) to a Masjid where there are young sisters with whom she can relate to and become friends with.

 

By doing this she will feel a connection to other Muslim girls whom she can form relationships with. These sisters can help her acclimate towards the right path socially, Islamically, and as a young Muslim. The Muslim communities here are generally very strong, encouraging the young people, as well as providing a lot of halal events for families and teens. This may be an option for you and your family concerning the children and their behavior.

 

Brother, I understand that you must work 12 hours a day 7 days a week. That is a lot. I’m not sure if you’re able to fit in some classes, however an employment- career service may be able to provide you with resources including tuition. By taking classes online at night you may be able to get into a different field of work wherein you do not have to work long hours every day. I understand this may be very difficult because of your time, but it is something that may be worth looking into insha’Allah.

 

As you have only been in America one year, it may be that your children are going through a difficult time emotionally with the change. Maybe they are depressed and acting out. Maybe they really do miss home. Perhaps they are in an adjustment phase trying to find out who they are in this new environment, and where they want to go. This is completely normal as they try to adjust their internal emotions to a new country.

 

Family Meetings

 

At this point brother rather than coming down hard on them (as it is not leading to successful outcomes), perhaps if you approach them in a friendly manner inquiring as to how they feel, what obstacles they are up against, how are they adjusting, and other questions pertaining to their new life, this will lead to more conducive conversations.

 

Perhaps a family discussion on how everyone is adjusting, feeling and coping would be useful insha’Allah. This would also include you and your wife discussing how hard and difficult it has been for you both. This may lead to calm discussions on how the kids can help as family members to make it easier for all (chores, respect, kindness, following rules, etc.). You may also wish to emphasize that as an Islamic household in America, Muslims here live as Muslims elsewhere in the world. Additionally, as it is more permissive here, you may wish to point out that tests and trials will come, but that you are all strong to get through them insha’Allah.

 

Brother, insha’Allah, in time things will smooth out as far as your children go. It is never easy as a parent to see one’s child fall off the path of Islam. However, insha’Allah once they have adjusted to their new environment, I am confident they will make better choices and return to practicing Islam in all ways. As it took only a year for them to change this drastically, it could only be a short time before they return to the children you knew back home.

 

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.