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Repair & Rebuild Your Relationships (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
18 August, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Monday, Aug. 20, 2018 | 12:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu'alaikum. I'd really like to know: are people born good according to Islam? And what does Islam say on psychopathy? Some says that they are born that way and there's nothing we cam do to change them.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

In this case I would advise you to ask such questions to people of knowledge who will be able to provide you with a more detailed answer based on the Qur’an and Sunnah.

 

I can provide you with some brief answers to these questions, but in would urge you to verify with a sheikh and get further information to strengthen your understanding.

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It is clearly stated in the Qur’an that everyone is born in a state of fitrah; a pure state with an unfiltered belief in Allah. However, as you look around you notice that not everyone is good and therefore it is not unusual to question whether the human is born good or bad, as you’ve as for in this case. Why is this? Most likely this is because of the external influences that one comes into contact with who influence the person then to fall astray from the straight path.

 

If you feel someone is going astray from the path and acting out of accordance of Islam then of course there is lots that you can do to try and help steer them back onto the straight path. Beginning with making pray

ers for Allah to guide them as He is the only one who can turn someone’s heart and put them on the straight path.

As well as this more indirect approach, you can also be more directly involved with them by interacting with them and encouraging them to at least be committing to the obligatory deeds on a daily basis. You can don’t his by directly reminding them, but also by being a good role model to them and letting them see you engage in these things and see how it brings you contentment to perform these acts. Bring there to support them will also help make this process easier for them and more likely yield positive results.

 

Regarding psychopathy, if you suspect it of someone , it is important that they seek some kind of assessment for this to confirm any type of diagnosis. This will enable them to get the most appropriate treatment. Sometimes episodes of psychopathy and spiritual ailments such as Jinn possession are commonly misdiagnosed  one way or the other resulting in incorrect treatment. A person in this situation should try and seek both spiritual treatment from the local imam or qualified person to rule out any chances of spiritual explanations for any symptoms and will be able to treat them accordingly. Simultaneously they can also see a doctor who will be able to assess them for the physical and psychological symptoms of psychopathy and treat them from this perspective if necessary. There may even be some other cause of any symptoms that may also need investigating first.

 

Again, as in the case of the one who has seemingly gone astray from the path, the person suffering with psychopathy will also require support from loved ones in overcoming these difficulties. This will make recovery quicker and easier, in sha Allah. It will bring great relief to the person as well as reward for the one who assists them.

 

May Allah guide us all aright and keep us on the straight path.  May He protect us from difficulties and ease our pains in times of trial.

Asalamualikum, Now I’m facing a big problem and I’m so trouble in this situation. We arranged our nikah last month. Everything got ready to celebrate nikah ceremony. All are fine. Before 4 days me & my fiancé has got phone call & we’ve got some problems.I called him to talk about some need for our wedding.At the time he’s on the way and he’s got car crash. When I called him he shouted a lot to me and he was so angry.At the time I felt so sad and angry.I thought that’s not my fault why he shouted and angry to me.I cried a lot and I felt deeply hurt.At the time I don’t want to do this nikah.I’m afraid of him.So I told about this problem to my parents. My parents also very angry. Next day my parents called them and talk about this problem.At the time our parents fight with words each other. At the end, our nikah was cancel. But i want to arrange our nikah again.His mother was very angry and she can’t accept for this. He’s only one son and no father that’s why he don’t want to against his mom.For me I really want to arrange nikah again and he also.But the main problem is his mom.Now she is planning to do nikah with other girls for his son. But he didn’t accept it and he came back to Japan.I really want this nikah with him.So what should I do?Pls give me some Wazifa to get married as soon as possible.Every day I’m praying hard and recite some dua,Surah. I feel so sad and I want to get back him and this nikah.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It sounds like you have e faced a lot of complications in proceeding with this marriage which is making you very distressed understandably. Now since it did not go ahead when it was intended that has opened the doors for r further complications regarding his parents which is only adding to the stress of it all.

 

Of course, you want to try and make this marriage happen as soon as possible to put an end to all the stress and move on with married life, but with things being very heated at the moment and interference from he parents you are left feeling even more frustrated.

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The first thing you are doing is the best thing to do; praying and making du’a. Never give up on this and continue asking for Allah’s guidance. Not only will this allow guide you to don’t he best thing in your situation, but it will bring you comfort more generally during a tough time. This will indirectly help you to approach the situation more appropriately as you are calm and focused.

 

There are several different ways in which you can approach the situation,  but do be sure to give them some serious thought before making a choice. Make istikhara regularly and allow Allah to make things happen in the way that is best for you all. To take a more forward approach you could just go ahead and get married against his parents wishes as it is nt a must for them to approve of the wedding. This way, you will get your marriage quickly,  however,  this route may come at a heavy cost in terms of future relations with his family which may ultimately have a devastating impact on your marriage further down the line.

 

Another approach is to arrange to meet his family with members of your own and talk about it openly as a big family. Let them see that you are a good person from a good family and you are serious about marrying their son.

 

Another option is to just set bit aside and leave him to work on his family and come to you when he is ready for marriage if it is mentioned to be and is good for you, then Allah will surely make it happen and if your potential husband abandons it then may be it was never meant to be and you would be able to determine this yourself as he is not serious about moving things forward. This way you are distancing yourself from the stress and allowing yourself to relax a bit as things settle down.

 

Contemplate over your options, take them to Allah and ask for His guidance. Whatever happens, feel content that Allah is the best of planners and whatever happens is what is meant for you and what is best for you.

 

May Allah guide you and grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right.

Hi, I have been struggling mentally with my faith for around two months now and I’m very distressed, it has disturbed me so much and I have a very low imaan. So, basically, I was thinking that how the Qur’an was revealed. We all know it was from Allah and was sent through Angel Jibreel to Prophet Muhammad SAW but I keep thinking that what if the angel lied and he was the one who sent it. I even did some research but this thought is still there and my head won’t give up. I just think in a way that the angel pretended to be kind but he is evil and wants all us to go to hell. Please help me.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh, sister,

 

Just ot reassure you to begin with,  you are not alone. What you are experiencing is very common. Most people at some point in their lives do have such thoughts.  Some people get the worse than others. Some people just have random fleeting thoughts and other times it’s a bit stronger like in your case. In fact it is even reported that some people close to the Prophet (SAW) went through exactly the same too, and they were good people. There are even hadiths about it. So just to assure that even though it seems very disturbing, it happens to the best of people.

 

These kind of thoughts are a result of Shaytaan whispers. The treatment for this is quite simple but requires a lot of persistence to finally push it all away. Broadly, seeking comfort with Allah and getting close to Him whilst seeking refuge from Shaytaan is what you need to be doing to put an end to these thoughts.

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Firstly, simply seeking refuge with Allah from Shaytaan in the form of prayer is the most simple thing to begin with. Say this during your formal acts of prayer during the day, buy also say the words before you do anything. These words alone are enough to frighten Shaytaan away. Saying these words ao frequently like this ensure that Allah is on your mind at all times and Shaytaan knows it. This lets him known that you’re serious and eventually the thoughts will stop as he realises that he no longer has power over you and his efforts are fruitless. This practice needs to be persistent as the moment you forget Shaytaan will grab that opportunity to end your thoughts again. Of it helps, setting little reminders around the place will help you to remember, especially at the beginning when it’s less of a habit and easier to forget. Just simply little stickers or pieces of paper stuck to the wall in key places, visble places to keep the reminder there. On the backs of doors are always a good idea so you seem them as you move around the house and do various tasks when Shaytaan is more likely to busy. When you start there will be times when you forget and this may be frustrating, but the key to success is in remaining persistent with it and not letting little hiccups stop you. That is what Shaytaan wants, so make sure to resist the whispers and continue with good intentions until the thoughts desist.

 

However, if the thoughts are enduring you can introduce other acts the also push Shaytaan away such as making dhikr, fasting, attending study circles with other sisters and reading the Qur’an.

 

Reading the Qur’an, or at least playing it in the house is a way to keep Allah in mind as well as push Shaytaan away. Perhaps setting yourself targets with the Qur’an that will keep you motivated to pick it up every day. This can be J  terms of the number of pages you recite, or the number of ayat you aims to memorize. This activity may be particularly useful in your case as it will allow you to the concept with the Qur’an and realize the truth in it. You may even include study of the tafsir in this also. On studying it in depth you will be reassured that this book can only have come from the words of Allah. Given that your thoughts revolve around negative thoughts about the Qur’an this will reinforce the fact that your thoughts are incorrect which will serve to be a particularly strong way to push Shaytaan away as he know that the moment your weakness is in the Qur’an. The moment he sees that your thoughts aren’t deterring you from reading it he will realise his attempts are no longer working and will stop.

 

Aside from taking a spiritual approach to overcoming these thoughts, you can also take a psychological approach. Whilst you are challenging Islam regarding how the Qur’an was revealed, try now challenging yourself also. Look for all the evidence you can to counter your own argument. Ask yourself things like ‘if the Qur’an is really a lie, why have millions have people been deceased? Are that many people really %that stupid?’ Why would Allah even allow that to happen when we know he has the power to do anything to prevent such atrocities of the Qur’an being changed. Afterall, isn’t one if the biggest miracles of Allah that, unlike other religions, the Quran has not been changed. Not even a single word, from he day it was revealed. Remembering that there are thousands of scholars who have devoted their lives to studying the Qur’an in depths beyond our comprehension to understand every single word that was revealed.

 

May Allah guide you and protect you from distressing thoughts. May you find comfort in the words of Allah.

My little sister who is 21 years old now was molested by my younger brother who is 10 years older than her when she was a child. She opened up yesterday in front of me. Since then my heart is sinking. I was not able to ask her anything. I didn’t have the courage to. I want to help her. I want to help my brother seek forgiveness too. I want to help build them their pious relation again. She hates her, she even seeks revenge on his kid. Our father passed away 5 years back. He is our only our only brother. I my self feel devastated. Please help us.



Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

 

This revelation is still fresh and will come with some heed emotions right now that may cause you to behave irrationally. The news you have just found out is devastating and will take some time to process. In this case, try and keep your focus on remaining calm and coming to terms with this drastic news. Once you are calmer and have time to think about the situation, you will be in a stronger position to make more rational decisions that will be better for everyone.

 

Once you are feeling calmer after the initial shock has subsided a bit, and you are ready to face the situation, try and begin by understanding that situation from those involved; that is, both your brother and sister. It is also important to take into account their own feelings about the situation. Understand that this is not something can be fixed overnight,  or even quickly. It will take a long time and a lot of f patience to potentially get the relationship back to healthy terms again. To begin with you will likely find that you need to be supporting them individually.

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Your sister was abused from a young age by someone the she should have been able to trust. This will have lasting a lasting impact on all her future relationships until she can tackle the psychological consequences of the abuse. She is clearly feeling resentment towards her brother for what he did, and underlying so, but she needs to find better ways to manage these emotions that don’t hurt others such as the children of your brother. If it is possible that she can attend counselling then this would  be good place to start in. If she is able, then perhaps you could offer to attend with her to support her if she will allow you.

 

In the mean while simply being there for her will give her the support that she needs in overcoming her difficulties even if it is just as simple as feeling comforted that someone is always there for them. You have mentioned that you couldn’t say anything to her about it nd this is probably best at this point. It is best not to pressure her into talking about.  Being there for her, will allow her to understand that you are there for her and she can come and talk to you if and when she is ready.

 

Regarding your brother, again, you have taken a very help approach to his situation. He has wronged your sister and should seek forgiveness from both her and as well as with Allah. This is not something that you can force. It needs to come authentically from his heart. It is probably bales not to even approach it directly with brim at first,  but like neither your sister, simply being there for aim will provide the support that he needs in encouraging him to seek tabs.

 

Understand that even though what he has done is very wrong, he will also be experiencing a range of emotions too that are difficult for him to process and overcome too. He may be feeling ashamed of what he did, he may be feeling regret and remorse. He may even be feeling embarrassed. Whilst these feelings will be making him feel uncomfortable they will serve as a big motivation for him to step up and seek forgiveness from your sister and from Allah.

 

As the one who is stuck in the middle you can serve as an important bridge between the two in terms of making amends at some point in the future when they are both ready to. However, you do also need to be very careful not to interfere too much and allow them both to heal their own ways at the same time. Simply being there and supporting them independently is enough let them know that you care and will be there for them no matter what is sufficient to start the proof recovery all round. So continue to keep in mind that it will take some time. Sexual abuse takes a long time to recover from, especially when the abuse has occurred at the hand of someone so close and has impacted deeply in all aspects of her life.

 

May Allah health your sisters psychological distress and make thing easier for her may He forgive you brother and guide him aright.