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Counseling Session on Marriage & Family (Audio)

Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session. Here are the 8 questions our counselor has provided an audio answer for.

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Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Whispers: I Spend Little Time on My Deen

Few months ago, I been struggling to gain back my iman. Anything I do does not seem to work because of my lack of consistency.  I use to have lot of wiswasa when I started practicing Islam and I used to feel my iman then in other to stop wiswas I had to ignore the doubt and thought

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So now that I do not feel my iman anymore I get these whispers about doing good deeds like nafil, reading more of Quran doing more dhikr, and some other good deeds and not bad deeds, but I use to ignore them because I fear I would be obsessive with those thoughts and it could lead to wiswas again. I don’t know if I should listen or not because I’m confused, I want to strive for the sake of Allah but I just don’t know what’s making me not to strive I’m like a cripple forcing to move his legs but h we can’t. I waste lot of time on what will not benefit me and spend little time for my Deen I don’t even know what I expect from Allah I don’t know what I think of him either good or bad I don’t know 

I may die soon and I don’t want to have regret because I feel I may regret for not striving hard for the sake of Allah

These thoughts could tell me want I do is haram but I wouldn’t stop or it tell me to leave a place because of haram. I wouldn’t until I commit that sin then will be seeking Allah’s forgiveness without been fully remorse.

I’m……I don’t know what to say…. my Deen is messed, up my relationship with Allah is messed up I’m messed up when I started practicing Islam, I used to be scared of times like this so I use to pray for death so I could die because I was feeling my iman and scared I would lose it.

I don’t know what to say anymore

 I don’t

The test of mankind is not beyond its capacity but it not easy to face

It’s not EASY

Answer:

Question 2. All I Want Now Is a Divorce

Salam Waleikum, how can I have my husband understand that divorce is the best option for the both of us now and our 2 kids. We’re married for about 14 years now, but our incompatibilities are extreme. He is now 51 and I’m 36. He doesn’t even have an elementary education level, while I worked to have my university degree. I tried to support him for him to do something with his life many years ago but he refused. He was constantly cheating on me with other ladies, physically and emotionally. I confronted him several times, but he never considered me. I worked on my plans to buy a house for me and my kids. The family intervened and I allowed him to come with us. He visits us every weekend for 1 day. But I don’t want him anymore, I have no feelings or connection to him anymore. I don’t think he has anything for me either. But he doesn’t want to divorce me. What to do?

Answer:

Question 3. Abusive Father; Please Help Me

I want to ask for guidance about a problem I have been undergoing since childhood. It’s my angry father.
My father has done lots for me for which I cannot thank him enough. When he’s in a good mood he’s alright. But when he’s angry (which he mostly is) he’s like the most dangerous person ever. He gives me regular threats and gives me the worst swears a man can relating to mom etc. Mostly it’s on pointless things. He never talks normally or guides. He’s pressurized and criticized me since childhood and still does now that I am 16. This is the reason I am always scared and my mental health is in bits. He doesn’t let me go out or trust me in anything. I don’t also have a phone when all people my age do. He looks down upon me and scares me like I’m his worst mistake. Worst of all he does the same thing to my mother and siblings. He abuses my mother a lot about her family and as if everything is her fault and occasionally lashes out at her to the point, she goes crazy and cries a lot. My mother has always been nice to everyone including my dad and she has never done one mistake on purpose but she has to live with being treated like nothing like me. I don’t know why I am writing this. I’m just tired and sad and done. I have been enduring this since childhood. And it has only gotten worse with time. Please help me

Answer:

Question 4. Marrying an Older Woman: How to Convince My Father?

Assalamu-alaikum everyone.
I know this may ring some bells considering my age.
I am 20 and I wish to get married to someone older to me. She is 10 years older and is a single mother to one.
I have liked this woman since past 4 years and I recently got into a relationship with her.
We both have cut it off alhamdullilah due to the sin and to have something purer. She wanted to get married to me and so did I. But some things such as not having an income and still being in university made it not possible for me to marry right now no matter how much I want to. So, she has just told me to come back to her when I am able to.

I have been called by many, even my parents that I’m ahead of my age mentally and my maturity was always sought upon by a woman that was older and has dealt with the world.
I have always had this view of marrying earlier, it has always been a wish of mine and it grows stronger and stronger every day. I have a deep desire to be married and to be free from any sin, to be happy and to be someone else’s proudly. I want to care and I want to be a responsible man to a woman that has faced a lot in her life.

Her father wants to marry her off and I fear that by the time I am able to do anything she won’t be there. I am currently in no contact with her, I don’t have any communication to her.
I do nothing but pray for this woman to be mine. So, I have no idea what is going on.
I know if you make du’aa for something/someone. You also have to work for it.

I don’t know what I should do, I don’t want to lose this woman as she has made me a better man in every single way, we both pushed each other to be better and righteous together, she really admired and wanted to get married with me, we both pushed each other to follow the sunnah and Qur’an in every aspect of life. It is very hard for me to connect with someone that personally and I have never felt so understood and connected to anyone else. I have never seen anyone else that is a complete mirror image of my thinking my logicality my persona and my values. We both mirrored each other and had a deep desire to get married

I have talked to my mother and she’s skeptical about it but I can convince her, but she fears my father and so do I. I fear he will never let me get married to her. So, I feel helpless and broken, I pray for her but I should be doing something I feel like.

What should I do, please help

Answer:

Question 5. I Don’t Like My Fiancé and His Family’s Demands

Assalamu alaikum. I am 26 years old. I was engaged to a guy last month. I wasn’t happy with the engagement but still went for it as my parents were quite sure that he is the right guy and they have married my 2 elder sisters as well.
I thought il like the guy later, but I dint. I spoke to my parents about it, but they were furious. And yes, I forgot to mention that a friend of mine, for 10 years, asked me for marriage. He is a decent guy and belongs to a decent family. I had told my mom about this before my engagement so when I told her I’m not liking my fiancé, she said to dad that it was because of my guy friend. I However did not deny as I knew my parents wouldn’t understand so I invited my friend to our home. My dad met him and said he’s a decent and genuine guy but he isn’t financially as rich and stable as my fiancé. They rejected him.

I felt really bad, I tried to talk to my parents for 2 weeks because I knew him and his family for a really long time. However, they weren’t convinced and asked me to continue my engagement. I did so. I started talking to my fiancé but still I did not like him. But I thought il eventually fall in love once I get married. But now their family is placing demands which I’m not agreeing to but my parents are saying that every girl family has to do this. For example my MIL said that we’ll arrange everything for their people in nikah, things like rooms and food for all three times as they r travelling from a different state but at reception they want us to arrange everything for our family members ourselves… N now she says that I cannot give my salary or any money to my mother or father once I’m married, my every penny should be given to the in-laws. I really did not like this and told my dad to call it off, but they r saying this happens in every household. I don’t know what to do. Please help

Answer:

Question 6. My Marriage Is Dead; I Fell in Love and Ruined Our Lives

I am married for 4 years. Throughout my wife fight over small things and it build up. First fight she run out the house for 3 weeks to her family. Ask for divorce and mentioned she has no feelings in the marriage anymore. Second time she ran away from house for 2 weeks and ask for divorce and says she doesn’t have feelings anymore. The third and fourth time she asked for divorce and says she does not have feelings anymore. The last fight was my breaking point where I don’t feel that this marriage is any more going to work out. We barely speak to each other and since the last fight.

Then I met someone and we start talking. There’s no other person that I could talk to my problems besides a stranger to get views. Little that I know we fell in love with each other and it goes on. I didn’t know what I was doing till it went too far that I told her that I wanted to be with her. I wanna end my marriage as I don’t feel things going to work out anymore. Soon I realized that circumstances don’t allow and also, I have a child that I really love and I don’t want my child to suffer, yet it just seems wrong as me and my wife we can’t talk for 6 months and my heart just died ever since the last fight. I told the other person that let me settle my end. After which I said that I can’t be with her due to circumstances, she got so mad till she mentioned that she will not forgives me for what I have done to her as I ruins her life. I apologies but doesn’t have any answer. Thought I can live with it. However, till today I feel guilty. It been a month. I feel guilty towards Allah for hurting and ruin someone’s life, I perform tauba prayers each day, I feel guilty towards my wife and I feel guilty towards that woman. I feel horrible every single day of my life. How do I live with this guilt?
I wrong doed myself and I hurt others and I feel remorse. I fell for someone that I can’t be with. I hurt people around me. Knowing that almighty is the all forgiving I believe he could forgive me. However. with others, I can’t.

I tried to fix my marriage however my heart already felt empty and I don’t feel the love anymore.

I felt that this is the consequences of my actions and now I’m facing it. I don’t know what to do and I really hope that I can undo everything. But I know we met someone for a reason. It’s a test yet I failed. What should I do?

Answer:

Question 7. My Emotionally Disconnected Workaholic Husband

Assalamu Alaikum. I have been married for 16 years; I have three children from 13-7 yrs of age.

My husband is an introvert, very calm, extremely patient, never fault finding or backbiting and is a very religious person. Alhamdulillah, he loves work and will feed and provide for me and my kids.
..
The downside with him is his obsession over work. From day 1 of our marriage his long hours at work became an issue. I have addressed to his parents from the very first time and they always taken his side saying “work brings money.”. He does not get paid for the extra hours; this is solely his choice. He always does at least 16 hours a day and would even stay over in his hotel. Unfortunately, he never knew he should be asking or at least be informing me that he will stay over the night. Until after so many complains after around 13 years, he started to inform me…

Unfortunately, he is an extremely disconnected person and when I speak to him on this issue, he would say that in 2 years things will improve. I don’t mind if I live part from a man as long as he connects emotionally with me…

On the other hand I am an extremely emotional person. I am an extrovert love gathering, people and friends. I can get very angry very soon. I had a very loving parents extremely protective father who I lost after a year of my marriage…
I have always been a full-time working lady but only very well established after 9 years into marriage…

At the beginning, living with his family brought loads of tension to which I have lost all respect for my husband.My mother-in-love made all the Important decision in our lives. Like family planning. First child and second child we had with her permission/request. The third child was not her choice so she asked me to terminate while I was expecting. to which of course I asked if she was out of her mind- at this point of life I became headstrong and defensive and I am never disrespectful unless a thing like this cross- even today…

After around 10 years my husband has changed a bit. He drops kids to school every morning and leaves to wok and has been involved in house hold chores. Even have done meal cooking for two years while I concentrated on kids’ exams.
But even with all these he won’t connect emotionally he would take these as a duty and would continue to stay over in the hotel.

Apart from two major arguments involving our families we have always had our own argument. I am like a slave while his sister, cousin and his newly married sister-in-law won’t lift a plate. I do this out of respect to his mother but I know she is using my kindness. It has become a pattern that I being the older daughter-in-law I do everything from cooking to cleaning in my in laws house

The burden on me of doing a full-time job and looking after them evenings and weekends and dropping off to classes and even paying for the classes, is an emotional burden. I am compared by my friend as a strong physical very active and all rounded selfless mum. My flexible working ways means that it is me who has to be there for kids emergencies even being whole day in a hospital for a kids issue. .

He doesn’t believe this is a broken family. He would listen to me and promise he would change but never has for past 16 years.

I get connected with intimacy (not because of intimacy) only because he speaks to me and listens to me. Then after the intimacy there is an immediate disconnect which I silently take in the hurts and frustration. The constant giving into this has made me like an unstable extreme mood changing person.

I have even threatened with divorce several times, very loud shouting and have said calmly and collectively at times. He would not utter a word he would just walk away to work or promise to change.

My question now is as this is an ongoing battle to me keeping my mental health stable for the sake of children and not opting for a divorce due to social stigma and my strong family values.

I have no one for support except friends and I don’t tell these issues to and have not told my poor mother or sibling of this incident. This would break them.

Can I live separately under the same roof as I have no love or intention ever to reconcile??

I won’t divorce now; I will do once my children are married. I would never forgive a narcistic selfish person who simply wasted my precious life, dream aspiration. And who doesn’t care to reconcile. He lives his way very confident I will be the one trying to reconcile.

Answer:

Question 8. Past Abuse: I Want to Run Away from My Fiancé

I don’t want to get married. Even though I have found a very gentle man as my fiancé but suddenly I want to distance myself from him. I want to run away from this place and everybody whom I know. I don’t want to be with someone. P.S. I was in abusive relationship before my engagement.

I don’t know what to do now…

Answer:


Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2022 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
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