Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
It certainly seems like you have had a tough time in life from a very young age which has impacted on you until now. You found a man that you loved and still love very much but he has since shut you out and you have had no contact since the last 2 years despite numerous efforts.
Firstly, as tough as this may be, take a lesson from this experience. If you want to seek marriage to this man, or any other for that matter, make sure to do so with a mahram. Talking to the opposite gender alone, even online, can easily lead to the development of the emotions that you are experiencing. With no third person present this can soon lead to haram relationships, or even if not, there is no problem in 1 party abandoning the relationship since they are not formally tied through marriage. This is what has happened in this case. He is free to walk away from what you 2 had developed as you were not married and whilst the sin is in being alone together, there is no sin in him walking away as you were never halal for each other anyway.
Again, as difficult as it may be to search for positives in this situation think about the following. Painful as it has been for him to walk away, it has also served as a protection for you both. Since he denies contact it means that there has been no opportunity for you to further develop your relationship and commit further sin and do things that may be even more disliked by Allah. For the last 2 years you have not had the opportunity to continue in a relationship that, whilst one that brought you happiness was not going to count in your favour until you became halal for one another.
You might feel right now that you will never move on and you can never love another like you love him, but it is possible. If you still wish to persue him, please ensure to do so in the correct manner by having your mahram approach him on your behalf and take all measures to ensure you follow islamic principles in making this relationship halal through marriage. Otherwise, take steps to move on and seek marriage to someone else. Learning a lesson from your past experience make sure to to everything in the correct way, according to Islam, from the very beginning to ensure that you don’t experience the same heartache again. As you get to know someone else, you will find that your past feelings will diminish as you forge a relationship with someone in the correct manner.
Aside from this, more generally, please give time to other things as a means to find happiness in yourself that doesn’t depend on others. Do things that you enjoy, do something new, start a new hobby, study something new and beneficial, make new friends. These types of things will help to bring happiness in to your life that has otherwise brought you much upset. You have experience much disappointment in your life at the hands of others so it’s now time to take control yourself and find happiness through other means. This will not only boost your own self-esteem, but it will equip you with the skills to manage life’s difficulties more effectively.
May Allah bring happiness and contentment to your life and may He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
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