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Counselor Aisha Swan on Positive Parenting for Teenagers

Aisha Mohammad
08 February, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018 | 02:00 - 04:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

What do you do when your teenager son (almost 16) seems to literally hate his father?? I'm not talking about the "so-called" hate that teenagers proclaim towards their parents when they get angry and say things they don't mean. I'm talking about never having a good thing to say about them, not believing they are loved by this parent and stuff along this line. I thought it would get better but it seems to get worse. I always try and tell our son all the good things about his father and how much he loves him but he doesn't want to hear about it at all!



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear about your son’s feelings for his dad.  Surely it must hurt you very much.  It sounds as if your son is holding in much pain and anger in regards to his father.  I would kindly suggest that you try to get to the bottom of all this pain and anger.  While maybe you cannot see a reason for it, in his mind there is a valid reason why.
Your statement about his not thinking or believing his dad loves him may be a good place to start.  It also may be the place from where all of the anger and alleged hatred is coming from.  Perhaps something was said and misunderstood between the two of them.
Maybe an action took place that was misdirected.  Perhaps your son over heard something and took it the wrong way.  However dear sister, you won’t know unless you speak with your son.
I would kindly suggest that you go somewhere with your son, maybe out to lunch or for coffee.  While out, tell him how very much you love him and that you care about how he feels.  Explain to him you wish to know why he feels his father does not love him as it hurts you.   Ask for specific examples if he is vague.  If he does open up to you, please do insha’Allah acknowledge and validate his feelings and show empathy.
Don’t tell him “oh that can’t be true”, or “your wrong, that did not happen”.  Just listen to him, support him in his feelings and ask questions if things are unclear.  If he is willing, insha’Allah ask him how can you make the situation better for him so that he feels loved.  Ask him how he would like to be treated by his father and how he would like to see the situation change.
If your son won’t open up to you right away sister, you can begin the process insha’Allah by changing your approach.  For instance, if your son says “my father doesn’t love me”.   Instead of saying “Yes he does” (which is a natural response) say “well that is a strong statement, what makes you feel that way”?Every time your son makes a negative statement about his dad or their relationship, insha’Allah if you respond with an empathetic question, not only will you gain his trust enabling him to open up to you, but you will also insha’Allah create an environment wherein his feelings are validated rather than ignored or passed off.
While your son is very wrong for saying bad things about his dad, there is also the possibility that something that caused him to feel unloved.  Please do try to get to the bottom of what has happened sister so you can help repair this most important relationship insha’Allah.  Your son is hurting as I imagine you and your husband are as well.
If your son does not open up and talk to you about what is really bothering him after you have tried, please do seek out counseling in your area for your son so you can get some professional help in resolving this issue.
We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

My 10 year old doesn’t want to participate in music class. He doesn’t want to participate in anything – last year it was karate – and when he doesn’t want to participate, he says he “doesn’t feel well”. I don’t know what to do.’



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  Your son may be feeling self-conscious or socially awkward.  At this age, while children are becoming more independent, they are also becoming more aware of themselves in a social context.  He may have low confidence and feel he cannot complete an activity as well as the other children, or he may just be suffering from shyness.
At this age, he is prepubescent. As you know, a lot of changes are going on within him emotionally as well as there are beginning changes in his body as his hormones are waking up.  Please do have a talk with him (if you have not already) or have his dad speak with him about puberty and what to expect in regards to feelings, urges, self-perception and bodily changes.  Assure him it is normal and encourage him to ask questions.
As he is a boy, it may be best if his dad talked with him as he could share some of his experiences as a young boy going through pre-puberty and puberty.  By discussing these important life changes and growth with your son, it may alleviate any fears or concerns he may have if any.
Insha’Allah you could ask him what he is interested in so that you may be able to engage him in activities that he truly likes.  You may also wish to observe his interests and work around those as far as activities.  In this way, if he is shy or lacks self confidence-if you offer him something that he likes, that he may engage in at home he may be more likely to feel confident when doing these activities in a group setting.  Insha’Allah please do find out what his special interests are and try to find classes that relate to his interests.
You may also see if you can invite one of his friends to join him in an activity or a brother.  You may also want to see if any of the boys at the Masjid he goes to are involved in activities and get him involved with them.  Consider insha’Allah study groups for boys at the Masjid as well as fun activities at the Islamic center geared for pre-teens.  While I am not sure where you live, I do know that in major cities in the US the Islamic centers offer many activities for teens and pre-teens.  Some are educational and others are for fun, sports or other interests.  If your son has someone to share activities with, he may be more willing to participate and feel less self conscious (if indeed he does feel this way).
While you are concerned now and rightfully so, please rest assured that this is usually a normal phase that some children go through.  As they get a little older they quickly outgrow it and you may wish he was staying home more often rather than attending various activities!  We wish you the best.

What Do I Do If My Teen Is Thinking About Suicide?



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. While you did not provide any details such as your teens mental health history, if there were any attempts in the past or if she has a doctor/counselor or if she is on medication, I can only provide you with basic information. It is advised to talk with your teen and take their threats of suicide seriously. “Research indicates that up to 80% of suicidal people signal their intentions to others, in the hope that the signal will be recognized as a cry for help”. (1)
Please do evaluate your teen. Ask your teen to describe what he/she is feeling, are they depressed, how long has this been going on (thoughts of suicide), if there has been any trauma to cause this and ask how can you help. Ask your teen the following: If he/she has a plan or method chosen for suicide, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” “Would you still want to die if your circumstances changed? “Do you want to go to the hospital”? During your conversation with your teen, please do acknowledgment and validate your teens pain.
Sometimes people who truly intend to kill themselves may deny depression, trauma or intent to commit suicide as they have made up their mind and intend to be successful. They may even appear happy. According to the Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Center of B.C. (1) “Sometimes, a suicidal person might feel relief that they have finally come to a decision – the emotional conflict over living or dying has been resolved”.
Many who are severely depressed do not wish to continue to live, yet do not really want to die, but just want to be out of pain. These people may attempt suicide in order to get help or relief. The danger is that many do die in these attempts. Please see (2).
Ask your teen to draw up a contract. The contract should state that your teen (name) will promise not to harm her/himself and that if your teen feels she/he will harm self that they will immediately tell you or someone they trust. Give your teen the suicide hotline number (3). If this is an emergency situation, meaning your teen is actively crying, psychotic, has a plan, is determined, or you otherwise feel there is danger, stay with your teen until help arrives (call 911) or take your teen to the emergency room if he/she will let you.
If your teen does not appear to be serious and openly discusses with you what they are feeling and why they have suicidal ideation, please do make a same day or next day appointment with your teens doctor or counselor for an evaluation. Stay with your teen until you take him/her to the appointment so you can monitor.
Insha’Allah you will find some of this useful, may Allah swt grant ease and bless and protect your teen and you. You are in our prayers.
1-https://crisiscentre.bc.ca/frequently-asked-questions-about-suicide/
2-https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/the-six-reasons-people-attempt-suicide
3-https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

My 16-year-old daughter is thinking about sex all the time, and now she is dating her friend. She lied to me about that and I had to confront her to get the truth. I have talked to her about dating is haram many times and I’m worried they making any thing could be wrong. I advised her that she should wait to finish her education and then be getting married. She knows how I feel about it. I do not condone her doing this at all yet she went behind my back and swore to me her and her boyfriend were not having any sexual acts. So now that I don’t know what should I do? I am hurt and feel disrespected. I have no one to talk to and when I try talking to her she screams at me and tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it and to leave her alone. Please help



As salamualaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session with your concerns about your daughter. I can imagine your hurt and pain concerning this sister, especially as you raised her Islamically and hold her to these standards. Unfortunately, as she is 16, there is little that you can do at this point in terms of intervention. At 16 as you know, hormones are running high, especially if there is one that she has feelings for. While I am not clear on whether or not she is actually having sex, or it is something you fear-but also do not know, perhaps sister she is not. Only your daughter and Allah knows. The point is, she is doing haram by even having a boyfriend.
Sister, You have already taught her correctly and she is at the age where Islamically you are to act more as a friend to her now. Of course you will always be her mother and provide guidance and still try to help her to make good choices but at this age she has made her choices and while they are hurtful, they are her choices. At this point, telling her over and over your objections as well about the haram things she is doing will only push her away from you further. Insha’Allah, rather your goal may be to bring her closer to you.
You can approach her and the relationship between the both of you as one of friendship. By doing this, you are of course still her mom, but you are changing the way the relationship is directed. By taking this approach, you may insha’Allah start to gain her trust and in turn she may open up to you and start confiding in you about her choices. As you cannot prevent her from carrying out her choices, you can insha’Allah, gain an “in” by being the one who still loves her, still accepts her, provides a listening ear and will still be by her side even though her choices are wrong. This does not by any means indicate you approve. 
It does however give you a leverage to influence her insha’Allah by taking out of the equation the “authority/parental figure” and replacing it with a “friend/parental” figure, whom she can eventually confide in insha’Allah. This may prove to be more beneficial in the long run when trying to guide her back to the right path.
While it is understandable that you feel disrespected my dear sister, it may be that she lied or kept if from you as 1-it is haram and 2-she did not want to hurt nor disappoint you. As she did lie to cover it up and she does get upset when you press her with questions, it is kind of a good thing (though lying is haram) because it shows she has a conscious, it shows she feels shame, and if she does then she still knows in her heart that what she is doing is wrong.
I would kindly advise sister that you cease with the questions, the warnings and confrontations, it is only producing negative results and stressing you out further. Instead, let it go for now. If she did want to talk to you about it, she somehow cannot because she knows that what she is doing is wrong, and she knows how you will react. Surprise her. Take her out for lunch or dinner and enjoy her company. Don’t bring up anything related to what is going on, but just talk in general.
Often times once we let go of a hurt, anger, fear or disappointment -we can see a different picture, or open up a new dialogue that can lead to a resolution. Perhaps what she needs right now is a good friend. One who truly has her best interests at heart. As her mom, I am confident that at her age, you can be that for her as well as help her make wiser choices as your relationship with her grows in a new direction.
Insha’Allah dear sister you will be able to reach your daughter on a different level. It will take a lot of patience and strength on your part because I know this is most hurtful as this is your daughter and you love her so much and want the best for her. The teen years are not always easy. Many parents do go through this situation sister with their teens, as sexual desire is a natural and strong feeling.
In most cases teens tend to return from haram ways and reconnect with their Islam, repenting for any sinful behaviors and Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive. With your love and gentle encouragement, I am sure your daughter will return to following Islamic principles insha’Allah as well as be thankful to Allah that she has you as her mother.
In the meantime dear sister, please try to do good things for yourself as you are under a lot of stress. Try spending social times with a friend (or make new friends), exercise, eat good healthy foods, take a course or hobby that you enjoy, go to the Masjid for prayer and Islamic events. Focus on your relationship with Allah by making dua, reading Qur’an and doing dhzikr. In Allah, our hearts do find peace. You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

Asalamu alaikum, thank you very much for offering this service to us it's very helpful. May Allah reward everyone involved! My first question is I have a nine-year-old who doesn't like to follow his schedule; one week he is very good, next week he doesn't want to do anything or one day he is good next day he doesn't want to work on anything. When it comes to school he doesn't want to take the time to really understand the question his answering. He reads very quickly and just answers. I did everything I can to discipline him, I took away his iPad which he loves I tell him all the time if you don't follow your schedule then there are consequences but it doesn’t work. On Fridays, he loves to go to the park and enjoy playing with friends I take that away too but it doesn't work. The other thing is I try my best to teach him but I'm not educated. At the moment his struggling with comprehension and math word problems. I can't afford tutoring is there anyway I can help him to really understand what the math problem his reading is about. He really loves to read books he can read all day. He is also very shy he doesn't want to talk to anybody once I took him to karate and he like it then I don't want to go I have butterflies in my stomach but after class he loved it. I tell him at first it's like that but you will get over it but that never help because every time I mention something new he is like nope I'm not doing it. He is always very quiet when other kids are talking. Please give me all the resources and help you can. I'm also a single parent.



As salamu alaykum,
Thank you for writing to our Live Session. We are so happy to hear that our services are helpful to you, all things of good are through and from Allah. May Allah swt continue to guide us and bless our efforts to serve.
Regarding your questions I will answer your concerns in separate parts. As I understand it your son is nine years old has difficulty following schedules one week, then is fine the next; some days he wants to do things, the next day he may not. At this age, children have a growing independence and will tend to try and do what they want to do as they can be quite hedonistic.
While they may seem to not want structure they truly do but they cannot create it on their own, they need a parent to help them. Children at this age do like the security of a routine and of the “known’ even though they may not admit it or even be cognizant of this need. Perhaps this is why he is also is reluctant to try new things, and is shy around other kids because it is not known and it is stepping outside of the structure and comfort zone he does have.
This is also a time wherein he is starting preadolescence. With this comes changes in his hormones, his body as well as his emotions.
I would kindly suggest that you find a time to discuss this period of life with him if you have not already. As you are a single parent, if there is a male adult in the family he is close to, perhaps he can talk to him about these changes. If not, I am sure you will address the subject with love, educational information as well as tailor the conversation so that he can ask questions, share his feelings if he chooses.
As he likes to read, perhaps reading books together on this topic (in case he has questions or needs guidance) may be beneficial insha’Allah. Also, this is also a time of changes and emotions, please do try to ensure that he is not suffering from depression. Please see here (1) for symptoms.
As far as his behaviors, I would kindly suggest setting up a chart which list the behaviors you want to develop in him and those which he needs to follow. You can put it on poster board or whatever else you chose, and hang it up somewhere so it is readily available for him to read.
Insha’Allah, focus on the behaviors that you want to see changed. For instance, if he has a hard time getting up in the morning you can put that on the list as “I will get up at 7am” or “I will finish my homework on a daily basis by 6pm (or whenever you decide) and review it with my mom”. Think of the behaviors you would like for him to develop and put them on the chart. Please try to keep it to 10, maybe 15 at the most. By getting him in the habit of doing these things, and at a certain time you are creating a “habit”.
Research shows that it takes about 30 days of consistently doing (or not doing) something to create a habit. In order to encourage him to stick with the behaviors and schedule, you may need to use consequences as you have been doing, only this time insha’Allah put it in chart form next to the behaviors chart. Again, chose the same amount to equal the behaviors. Chose things you know your child would not like to lose.
When he fails to complete an action/behavior in that day, put an X next to it. For each X on the behavior chart, put another X on the other chart by a consequence listed. By doing this, it acts as a visual aid wherein he can see what he chose not to attempt. It also helps him to understand how his choices are affecting his day. While the consequences you have utilized thus far may seem to not matter to him, they will insha’Allah once they are made more consistent as well as more undesirable.
For instance, you stated he enjoys going to the park on Fridays and playing with his friends. In addition to not being able to go to the park as a consequence, add on that during that time he will instead clean the garage for example or mop the floors. By doing this, he cannot use this time to lie around in his room, read, watch TV or engage in another activity that he likes. Insha’Allah after a a while he will begin to see from the charts how much he is losing from his choices.
He will also develop an expectation of a consequence which is not pleasant to him. If you decide to implement this method, please do discuss it with him in terms of the rules, the consequences as well as his responsibilities. After that, please do not use reminders, threats or give him second chances. Insha’Allah, once he gets use to the new structure of doing things you should see his behaviors change after about a month. This will take patience and consistency on your part dear sister, but the rewards will be great insha’Allah.
You stated that regarding school he doesn’t take the time to understand questions but just answers quickly and that he is having difficulty with math words and comprehension problems. It could be that he has not been paying attention in school, thus is behind. This is common. I would kindly suggest that you make an appointment with his teacher and discuss his progress in class (as well as any behaviors) to get the teacher’s perspective.
Please do rule out any external factors that may be going on such as bullying. If the teacher is concerned as well about his comprehension and/or behaviors it may be an attention disorder which would require an evaluation. I would ask his teacher if that is a concern and if so you may want to get him evaluated by his doctor. Attention disorders are common in children and they often outgrow it, but it can impact concentration and learning. However as he is an avid reader, he may just not be interested in math. Yes, tutors are expensive . When my daughter needed one for math, I found free tutoring group session sin my community by looking online. It met on Saturdays in the library.
You may want to see if there are any in your area. Also check your Masjid and the Islamic centers to see if there are any tutoring classes or a brother who would be willing to tutor you son for free. Another good resource is colleges. Often times students need volunteer hours for community orientated classes and you may be able to find someone by putting up a post for tutor wanted/volunteer. You may also want to look into local community centers for further resources.
Insha’Allah your son will pass through this stage just fine. You are a wonderful, loving and concerned parent, and you are doing all the right things to ensure his well-being and growth. He is blessed to have you. Please let us know how he is doing.