Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

This is a very distressing situation for you to be and it is completely understated why you feel like you are losing your mind. What you describe could actually be classed as abuse, especially since it is having such a profound effect on your daily life, to the point that you even felt like leaving Islam and even ending your life at some point. Abuse does not have to be physical, verbal attacks that belittle you is also abuse.

 

As you say,  Allah does make it clear that we should love and respect our parents, but understandable in your situation, you find this difficult when they have caused so much damage. The words that they have used towards you and the du’as they have made against you are completely unIslamic.

 

This is not the actions of someone who is striving to please Allah so please also understand that none of this is your fault, but the sin is on them in this case. As you have the responsibility to respect them, they also have responsibilities to be good to you as their child also and they will be accountable for their actions towards you. Given their behaviour, it will naturally be difficult to love and respect them in the way you feel you should, but what you can do is make sincere du’a for them. Ask Allah to guide them and to soften their hearts.

 

There are a couple of things you can try to do to ease your situation. Given that you said at least some point you considered leaving Islam, it would be encouraged to increase your connection with Islam by making sure to continue practicing daily as well as connection to the Qur’an and Deen by perhaps join a class of other sisters in learning Qur’an or about various aspects of Islam.

 

This will not only give you a chance to learn more and get closer to Allah which will bring you comfort alone, but it will also be a chance to mix with other sisters too. When going through difficult times as you are, having a strong social network can be vital in overcoming the psychological impact of the abuse you have faced.

 

In addition to Islamic or Qur’an classes do also ensure to keep busy with a hobby. If you have one already then you could join a group with others who have the same interest or even try something new. This will again support you in establishing a strong social network, but it will also give you a positive sense of achievement as you do something fun and positive.

 

It is also recommended that perhaps you take some time away from your parents and limit contact during this time. This will give you a chance to be free from the abuse for a time and have the chance to relax without worrying about the negative words you will face from them.

 

It will also give them the space to miss you and perhaps reflect on their behaviour towards you and appreciate you more as they miss your presence. As their child you are an easy target for them because they know they can take all their anger and frustration out on you and as their daughter you will live them back unconditionally. If you take time away from them then they will have to learn alternative ways to deal with their frustrations.

 

May Allah guide your parents and soften their hearts and may He bring you comfort in His remembrance.