As -alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Sadly your problem is one I hear often. While it sounds like you love your mother very much, it appears your problem controlling your emotions and anger are not only hurting your mom, but causing you to sin.

 

In the Qur’an it states “And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” (1).

 

Therefore you will be accountable to Allah for the way you treat your mother, which comes down to controlling-dealing with your anger issues. Often time people who have difficulty controlling their anger have low frustration levels,. Holding anger in may lead to health problems, depression, or anxiety. Expressing anger can be done in a healthy way. We all need to express our feelings, however the manner in which you are expressing your anger is unhealthy and disruptive to relationships, especially between you, your mom and your duties to Allah SWT.
Dear sister, I am not sure how old you are (puberty often comes with emotional us and downs) or if you are under stress or have other issues going on, but insha’Allah I would kindly suggest the following steps recommended by the APA (2) and others. First, think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything —in fact, when you feel your anger starting to rise, picture a STOP sign in your mind. Count to 10, and begin deep breathing exercises to help you regain control of your emotions.

 

Once you are calm, express how you feel in a calm, non-threatening manner. If you fear you may say hurtful things to your mom, go in your room, or out for a walk and write don what you are feeling and list the reasons why. Discuss them at another time with your mom wen you both are calm and away from the initial subject. Communication must ensure, but in the proper way. In fact I highly suggest sister that you begin to keep a journal and write down your feelings several times a day in order to help you figure out what is really bothering you, as well as gage your progress in anger control management as you incorporate these techniques into your daily life. Thirdly, exercise. Exercise is not only good for burning off excess calories and maintaining our physical health but it is good for our mental health as well. Exercise helps reduce stress thus reducing angry emotions. Learn about stress reduction techniques and relaxation exercises. These techniques are very successful in reducing anger and stress and well as increasing your over all control of self, expression, and how you feel.

 

Take a time out. “A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry “ (2). During this time I would kindly suggest doing dhkir or reading Qur’an as it is healing and has a soothing affect on our hearts and minds. Remembrance of Allah brings peace, safety and blessings. Find out what is causing your anger. Again, by journaling your thoughts, emotions and feelings daily, this may give you insight into what is truly the issue. Once you have identified the true issue (no, it is not because your mom said said “do the dishes” that you went into a rage) address it in rational steps. List how you will approach the problem, and follow through.

 

Please do insha’Allah use “I” statements combined with how you feel when communicating to your mom how you feel. You might say “I felt hurt when you said I did not know how to clean properly” instead of “you said I could not clean properly, yes I can”. Do you see the difference in tone?

 

 

If after your attempts to sincerely address your anger issues you find you still cannot control your angry outbursts, please do see a counselor in your area. Counselors will be able to provide more in depth sessions regarding anger management, address any other issues which may be going on as well as possibly refer you to anger management classes.

 

 

While I confident insha’Allah that you can over come this as possibly it has become a habit, please do continue as well to seek Allah’s help and forgiveness through pray, duaa and dkhir. You expressed regret and remorse in your letter. My heart goes out to you, as you are truly sorry for these actions. That is the first step and a good sign. Know Allah is most forgiving and loves to forgive. You are in our our prayers dear sister, we wish you the best.

1-https://quran.com/search?q=respecting%20parents
2-http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx