As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Reading your question, I see you are very hurt.  I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such emotional turmoil right now. To summarize your situation, you have an older brother who is married. You stated that it was a ‘love marriage” and that your brother and his wife were seeing each other prior to marrying. You expressed that you feel really bad about his past situation because your father who was well respected in the community and passed away a few years ago, would be very hurt and upset. To make matters worse, you found out that they kissed on the lips before being married.

 

You indicated that you were so sick, disgusted that it left you traumatized. Additionally, you found “love email” that your sister in-law wrote to your brother prior to marriage. You described them as “corrupt” and now you cannot feel the same way about your sister-in-law and you lost respect for her. As your brother is your wali, and you feel he is corrupt and does not respect women because of this, you are wondering what to do.  Also, you wonder if you should tell your mother or siblings about their kissing.

 

Falling into Sinful Ways

 

Sister, alhumdulilah you have wonderful parents who raised you and your siblings with solid Islamic values.  This is a blessing. I understand your sadness, anger and feelings of being traumatized upon finding out about your brother and his now wife’s kissing and “love” letters.  Often when we love someone, and we see them one way, we don’t think that they would ever sin.  The truth is, we all sin-to varying degrees and none of us are immune from falling into haram behaviors. I can imagine that part of your anger, fear and trauma has to do with your love for your brother, as you don’t want to see him disobeying Allah.

 

It seems that your brother truly did care for this girl, he married her.  Many don’t.  He must have respected her as well because they are married. Men usually don’t marry women they don’t respect.  While what they did was haram yes, they did get married to make the relationship halal.

 

Personal Relationships with Allah & Forgiveness

Sister, we do not know another person’s relationship with Allah.  It could be that both your brother and his wife felt very bad and repented to Allah for their sins.  If this is the case (and it is their business) then it is between them and Allah.  As you know, Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive.  This is a blessing for us because we are imperfect as human beings.  We need Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.  Allah swt states He forgives those who sincerely repent-except for shirk up to the time of death. Therefore, as Allah forgives, who are we not to forgive?  Are we higher than Allah who is most high?  When we don’t forgive, it’s like saying we are the supreme judge and jury and whatever Allah has said regarding forgiveness means nothing to us.

 

Disclosing Sins

 

Regarding your question about telling your mother or siblings that they kissed before marriage, what would be the benefit of doing that? Would it encourage harmonious family relations?  Would it make your mother happy? Would it strengthen your brother’s marriage?  If they sought repentance and Allah’s forgiveness, would you be uncovering something that Allah has hidden? As these are things you “came across” by invading someone’s personal things, it also may be a sin.  In the Qur’an (1) it states “O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.”

 

Looking at Good Points

 

As your brother is your wali and you are uncomfortable, I would kindly suggest that you re-evaluate your feelings about this.   He is your brother, he will insha’Allah have your best interests at heart, despite his falling into sin in the past. You stated that he is “otherwise a very nice and friendly person”.  Please sister, focus on these points.

 

Conclusion

 

Sister I kindly suggest that you move on with your life and forgive your brother and sister-in-law as you would want to be forgiven as well. Please do make duaa to Allah to help you with this. Insha’Allah focus on the here and now-the good things that have come from the situation.  Your brother is married to the woman he cares for.  You have a new sister in law,  They have made their relationship halal, and insha’Allah they have repented to Allah.

1. https://quran.com/49/12