As salamu Alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Brother it must be difficult to be in your position. As you’ve described your situation, you and your father have not got along since you were a child. You are now is 23. Alhumdulillah, you and your father have reached a position in your relationship where your relationship has “matured”. From this indication you have given, it sounds like you and your father have found peace among each other. It is understandable that now you do not want to put this relationship at risk, yet you are agonizing over his treatment of your mom.

 

Abusive Family Dynamics

 

Concerning the household, you stated that you the only person who is physically and mentally healthy. You describe your mom as someone who has a lack of understanding in every respect. You stated that she was like that before your parents got married. You also said that your father never wanted to marry her and even told her family and his own family this. This is very sad to hear. I cannot imagine how your mother must have felt being married for all of these years to someone who did not want to marry her. I can imagine she must have felt sad and lonely and often times possibly even rejected and unworthy. Still, your mom did the best she could, and took care of you and your brothers and your dad.

 

You state that you have two other brothers and according to you, they have the same problem as your mom. Because of this, your dad gets verbally abusive towards them because they are “lazy and have a lack of awareness”. However, he then starts to blame your mom which leads to him being abusive towards her. You find this intolerable (which you should) yet you fear that you will be disrespecting him if you confront him.

 

Protection of Your Mom

 

Brother, it is natural that the situation triggers you and makes you very angry. If anybody were to be abusive or to harm our mothers, naturally we would be very upset and we would be protective for our mothers because we love our mothers. It is a natural response. Granted, this is your father, however if it were any other person in the family or on the street what would you do? You would defend your mother with your life. This abuse of your mother cannot continue.

 

Is not disrespectful of you to demand that your father not abuse your mother. I kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you kindly call for a family meeting or discussion regarding the situation. You may want to include your brothers as well as your dad to address the situation and formulate a plan of action. This could include going for family counseling; your dad leaving the home if he cannot agree to stop abusing her (and your brothers); as well as bringing in an outside mediator (such as an imam or trusted family member/friend) if your family members cannot agree on an immediate stop to the abuse as well as measures to ensure it will not happen again.

 

Qur’an & Sunnah

 

Regarding the meeting, you may want to begin by discussing the situation at home and how it has become one which is far from Islamic principles. You may want to express your love for each person present and the stated goal to save the family structure and to increase it in love, safety and mercy. Insha’Allah, point out the strengths of each family member first, then touch upon areas that need improvement (brothers) and areas which are unacceptable (your father abusing your mom).

 

You may then want to use the Qu’ran and our path in Islam as a foundation for a family discussion. Some tips and points may be to look at how Allah swt has commanded that marriage is to be, as well as how we are to live our lives and treat one another not only as Muslims but as a family. You may wish to share hadiths about what the prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said about marriage and family and give illustrations of how he treated his wives.

 

Insha’Allah brother, this family meeting may be a wake-up call to your dad and inspire your brothers to take a more proactive role in the family. Ideally as your dad is the head of the home, it would be him calling a meeting and conducting it. However, as he is the one who is the abuser it is not possible. Thus you are tasked with these efforts as your mother’s son.

 

Your Mom’s Perspective

 

Brother insha’Allah, bringing this out in the open for resolution will change the situation. If it does not, you may have to explore other options. You may wish to seek your mother’s advice after the family meeting to discuss how she may be feeling about all that is going on. You may be surprised that your mother is not as “unaware” that you think she may be. She probably has a very deep understanding of everything that is going on, perhaps more so than anybody else in the family.

 

She has lived with your father before you and your brothers were born. She is more familiar with your father than anyone in the home. Please do listen to her insights and perspectives should she chose to share them. If she does not, respect that as well as she may be in fear or in acceptance of her life. In any case insha’Allah, assure her the abuse is not going to be tolerated and that you and your brothers are going to not only protect her, but seek a resolution to this situation. Encourage her to be open to change, a better life and to trust in Allah.

 

Conclusion

 

Brother, you may wish to ask for your brothers support in protecting your mother and helping to make arrangements for her to go to a safe place (such as a family members home); or help in assisting your father in leaving should he not change. Keep close to Allah, seeking His protection and guidance. Insha’Allah, please do reach out to a local Counseling Center/Domestic Violence hotline should your mom continue to be abused. You are all n our prayers, we wish you the best.