Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

The first thing I would recommend if you are feeling suicidal is to seek ongoing counseling on this matter. Alhamdulilah, your fear of Allah has prevented you from taking things any further, but your situation is tough and it would help to seek counseling.

 

In the meantime I can give you support on how to try and manage your situation more effectively.

 

It sounds like your mother went through a lot and has a lot of built up anger and aggression as a result. As the one closest to her, you automatically become the target of this. This does not mean that she doesn’t like you, you are just the easiest person to take it out on as she knows you love her unconditionally and will not desert her. This does not make her behavior ok, but it’s useful for you to understand that seeing things from her perspective will help you to feel more empathy for her and deal with her more effectively.

 

You know already that it is important to respect your mother and shouting at her is not so respectful, however, she is saying bad things to you and this makes you feel angry which is what fuels your words back at her.

 

The first thing you can do is try and identify any triggers. Are they any particular things or events that trigger your mother’s angry outbursts? If you can identify then you can either walk away when you see it is coming or, you can assist her to avoid these situations herself so that she won’t even get angry in the first place.

 

Regarding your own response, there is actually beautiful guidance on controlling your anger, such as simply not saying anything and controlling your tongue,  making wudu and changing your position by sitting or lying depending on where you are. All of these things require you to refrain from responding.

 

This can be very difficult when someone is hurting you so much. In this case what you could do to help restrain yourself is to either try taking a deep breath and more if necessary, have something to hand, in your pocket or so that you could squeeze tightly to direct your energy to this instead of your tongue or just walking away before you say anything.

 

Once her angry outburst is over and you’ve had time to cool down approach her gently and talk about things calmly. Perhaps during this time, you can encourage her to attend counseling herself to deal with her anger issues and deal with the root cause of her feelings.

 

May Allah bring peace and happiness in to your household and ease the pain of you both.