Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Sorry to hear that you are facing difficulties with your own mother. Facing derogatory comments from anyone is tough, but when it comes from someone you love so dearly it becomes even more difficult to endure. There are several ways that you can try and make things easier for yourself in this situation, including understanding the situation from an alternative perspective, repel bad with good and engaging in positive things for yourself.

 

Often trying to understand why people behave in the ways they do can make it easier to tolerate their bad behaviour.

 

There are a number of reasons why your mother might be behaving like this:

 

• She is trying to push you to achieve more in the knowledge that she knows you can. Sometimes this strategy works with some people, but not all. Clearly, in your case this is having quite the opposite effect and instead making you feel very low, however, seeing it from this alternative possible reasoning you will feel less like she’s putting you down to make you feel bad and somewhat more comforted that it’s a result of her wanting the best for you.

 

• Similarly, it may simply be a reflection of her frustration that you are not achieving as much as she knows you are capable of.

 

• Sometimes when people are feeling bad about themselves and low in self-esteem, they seek to boost their self- esteem by putting those around them down. This makes them feel better about themselves.

 

• Perhaps she simply doesn’t realise how much her behaviour is hurting you and possibly won’t unless you tell her.

 

Not that these potential reasons for her behavior make the treatment of yourself or father by your mother ok also, so do also be reassured that her behavior is not acceptable and you are not the one in the wrong here.

 

Regardless of the reasoning behind her behaviour there are ways that you can manage your response to it make things easier on yourself

 

As we are told in the Qur’an, an excellent way to deal with people’s mean behaviour towards us is to repel that which is bad with that which is better. This can be very difficult if we feel deeply insulted by their behaviour and requires much patience at first, but there is much wisdom in Allah’s words. Firstly, you will be free from the guilt you feel as a result of saying bad words back.

 

It is also likely that it will eventually prevent her from saying bad things to you as she may feel that she couldn’t possibly be so mean to you when you are being so kind back. In fact, it could even work to soften her heart towards you and mirror your kind words back. If it is that she is feeling bad about herself kind words back to her will boost her own self-esteem and make her behave in a kinder way as a result of a newfound positivity.

 

Furthermore, you can work on focusing on your strengths. Enjoy doing something that you are good at. Alternatively, try something new to add a bit of excitement to your life and encourage a new sense of achievement.

 

This is a great way to boost your self-esteem. Set small and achievable goals for this task and even write it down and tick them off as you achieve them so that you can visually see your achievements. Reward yourself as you reach larger targets. There are many things you could choose to do here.

 

Perhaps if it is some kind of exercise regime you work on improving your time to complete a certain exercise or distance for example. This will also help you with weight loss and feel better about yourself as a result of the chemicals released when exercising.  Or you could apply the same principle to Qur’an memorisation, with aim of memorising a certain number of ayats a day. This will also help you to remember Allah more and find solace in his remembrance during difficult times like this.

 

May Allah grant you success in your career and health and may He bring you happiness and contentment in your family life.