Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

Wow – you have your hands full.

 

One of the problems with our modern culture, including and our modern Islamic culture, is that everything is based on power and a hierarchy, so everyone gets into a power struggle with each other. We do it in the classroom, in marriages, on the jobs, etc. This paradigm is so much a part of our way of doing things that we don’t even question its validity or if it is Islamic. It is also the way things are done in your field, medicine– it is all about who “knows” the most and a hierarchy. But, a power-struggle way of interacting is very destructive to a productive, fruitful process of conversation and interaction.

 

In marriage, Allah says, ”you are equal but the man is one degree above”, which means, don’t compete, find out what everyone needs, and then, if you can’t agree after you did that, the man gets the priviledge of having the last say after he gave everyone their voice! Suratul Asr also describes a process of mutual consultation in its last ayyah: “mutually consult in search of truth and patiently”.

 

When you meet with a patient, I can only assume that you have to find out from the patient what their problem is. The patient’s needs have to be heard and respected as an “equal” human being (in terms of their humanity – not in terms of their knowledge of medicine) and in terms of their knowledge of their own body and symptoms—the thing about which you have absolutely no knowledge until they tell you what they, as an individual are feeling and experiencing. The same thing is needed by your children.

 

Find out what is going on with them so you can address their needs! It is a great sign that they apologize after the fact – they want to do good – but, old habits die hard. So, help them by crafting your conversations with them to draw out of them what they need from you – not you telling them what to do. Then, meet them where they are at and go from there. Nothing is off bounds – if you want to “reach” them.

 

Another thing that doctors do that is great is “consult” with each other (as well as their patients). This is a very humble act that is not a power -struggle. That is what I suggest you do with your children too. Let them know that you will have the last say, if you cannot agree, but that you want a win/win situation, if possible, and that you want to hear what they have to say – they are experts at least in one field: what they feel and think. Find out from them what is going on with them.

 

When our children are young, we have to tell them what to do—to keep them alive. When older, we have to not tell them what to do—to give them their right to be their own person and stand on their own. But, we do have to do something else for them: “consult” with them. The Prophet called it being “their advising friend” (translated into English, obviously).

 

Then, there is the in-between time and process when we are kind of telling them what to do and kind of not – “transitioning” them. That is the hardest one to manage because, unlike math or science, it is not an exact science – it is metaphysical and “relative” to the individuals and the environment and and and so many factors that are not writ in stone!

 

The way around this problem is talk talk talk to find out what is going on inside the other person. What might look crazy to you may make perfect sense to the other person… and to you when you hear the explanation.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you.