Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

I will not be so arrogant as to pretend that I can tell you or anyone “the” “solution” to any problem(s) – if anyone (person) could do that, that person could make the world’s problems go away – which is impossible because only Allah can do that.

 

It is important to remember that Allah made the world, by definition, problem-ridden, to test us. What good is that? We “learn” from figuring out how to solve problems. We “discover” – get “light”/enlightened – from discovering what makes people tick and the truths about ourselves and others and about what is involved in that “process”. By this means, we earn the reward or punishment of Allah.

 

That said, all you can do is your best. That is what you will be “Judged” for by Allah – not if you were successful or not. Our Prophet (saws) taught us that one of Allah’s Prophets gave the message of Tawheed to his people and not one person followed him, his mission was still accepted by Allah and his Reward from Allah will be the same as if they had accepted.

 

So, please don’t forget these things as you struggle: 1) we are here to be tested and 2), passing the test does not mean successfully changing the situation or even making a difference in it – the requirement of the test is that the person being tested ask of Allah and struggle and sacrifice for the Sake of Allah and the building of his/her personal relationship with Allah—the rest (the other person) is Allah’s Business.

 

That said, of course, because we love our children, we want the best for them, of this world and the Next. It is excruciatingly painful for us to see them in disobedience to Allah. We want them to be safe with Allah – and successful and happy in this world too. But, in the end, if they don’t serve Allah, the way we survive that is by knowing that their soul and body belong to Allah, not us – our job is to just make sure we do our job right, inShaAllah, so we can be safe with Allah – and the rest is in Allah’s Hand!

 

That said, this is my suggestion.

 

One of the words for “child” in Arabic means “someone who breaks things” (I am sorry, I did not remember the Arabic word/did not record it – I heard about it in one of Hamza Yusuf’s talks (he is a walking lexicon)). The way it helped me was that I was able to appreciate my child breaking things rather than to get upset over it. I hope this helps you too, insha Allah.

 

Secondly, talk, talk, talk, and talk some more – but what you say matters supremely. If you only correct your children (when they are older/teenagers – it is different when they are young – we have to correct them then), you will lose the battle because you are missing the point – and what is the point? InShaAllah, find out from your child what is going on with him/her so you can address that – instead of addressing what you think they should be hearing or thinking about – as painful as that may be for you to do – or even figure out how to do it. Ask your child:

 

What do you aim to realize by your behavior (maybe they think they are doing the right thing according to some stuff that is going on inside of them)?

Are you conscious of what it feels like to be the other person—the person on the receiving end of your behavior?

What would you feel if someone talked to you the way you talk – would it be okay?

What could I do to help you, not me?

Would do you need me to say that would encourage you to interact with me?

What does “Allah is ‘One’ ” mean?

Are we “one”, and if not, what does that mean to not be “one” – in other words, do we exist in interaction with others? If so, what does that mean in terms of how we interact?

What should our interaction look like – what should it do for us – for both the people in the interaction?

How can two people interacting give “equal” interaction to each other – to all the people in the interaction?

What do you get out of interaction – what do you want to get out of it?

Is he mad, and, if so, about what?

 

Try to solve the problem that your child articulates for you – if he can articulate it – it may be too complex for him to identify, so help him out with suggestions – you can start by asking where he got it from. Be open to anything –  nothing is off bounds! If you can’t stomach the truth because it is too painful, then talking will not help – it will only help if you can be non-judgmental and respect their process of where they are really at and what they want – people want to be good- but what looks like good to one person may look bad to another because that other person does not understand the circumstances of the situation.

 

Ask with the intention of finding out what is motivating him and then talk about that– challenge its legitimacy, if needed – not the behavior – behavior is always led to an idea – find out what the idea(s) are and address those. You can correct until you are blue in the face and it will make no difference if you are not answering to the need motivating the behavior(s).

 

A child will never hear when you are not “hearing” him. “Acting out” means showing you what they are thinking inside (things for which they have no words because of their lack of depth of consciousness) – “acting out” is like playing charades – when s/he does not have words to express their feelings– find out what those feelings are and addressing them, as best you can insha’ Allah. Your task is hard! I could not do it until I studied psychology, so be kind to yourself and ask Allah to help you! And ask Allah to Make it easy for you, insha’ Allah.

May Allah Make it easy for you!