Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Masha Allah sister, you are trying your very best for your daughters. As is the struggle with raising children; boys and girls alike in striking a healthy balance between allowing them an element of freedom and the chance to develop some independence, but at the same time try and keep them on the straight and narrow, especially when it comes to their Deen.

 

This is a common struggle for all parents of children, especially at this age. The task is made somewhat easier when the children have 2 parents supporting each other on the task, but it seems in your case that their father is involved in this struggle with you very little. Unfortunately, this is leading you to fear further negative consequences for them.

 

This might be a good starting point for you – to work on your relationship with your husband in order to work together in raising your daughters in the correct way. Not only will this provide you with some comfort in having some extra support rather than doing it alone, but it will be better for them too – too see both their mother and father supporting them on their journey through these difficult and challenging teen years. The unity between you will provide them with good role models in progressing forward and developing healthy relationships of their own.

 

It is well known in psychological research that as such can be conducive to the psychological wellbeing of children which ultimately has positive effects on their own relationships, where bad relationships and absent parents can lay the foundations for poor relationships if not managed well and without support. If necessary, this might require you to attend counselling together to pick things up between you and get you working together for the sake of the children at least.

 

As much as this will provide solid grounds for raising your daughters in the light of the Deen it will also be useful for you psychologically to develop this connection with them, as much as it will be good for them too. It takes time to build such a relationship and is particularly difficult at this time of life.

 

Begin by taking an interest in her likes, even if they are things that you don’t enjoy. If there are certain hobbies that she enjoys then facilitate them and even join her with them. Let it be an opportunity to bond. Doing fun things together are good ways to bond without forcing a relationship as the process will occur naturally in a familiar setting that she enjoys. Give her an element of choice. Let her be the o e to decide what it is you do and where you go.

 

Letting her be a part of the process and giving her the chance to make independent decisions will help to develop a trust between you where as she will feel comfortable and confident to discuss any such matters with her. On the occasions that she does come to you give her space and time to say what she wants to say. Don’t pass judgement harshly, but instead advice her kindly for her own best interests so that she understands the justifications of your advise.

 

Regarding the trip she wants to go on, you could try talking to the school about it, get further information and as well as letting them know ground rules that you have for her too so they can make sure to structure the outing in such a way to incorporate your wishes without turning it into a big deal that might embarrass her.

 

This, in matters such as mixing with boys and keeping her separate from this. If you are unhappy with her going on the trip altogether still talk to her gently about it and get the support of your husband if you can to take a gentle yet firm stance on it. She may not understand or appreciate this at this point, but in time she will come to understand and appreciate the way you have protected her.

 

May Allah reward your efforts in raising your daughters on the path of the Deen and may He guide them and your husband on the straight path.