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Counselor Hannah On Parenting and Child Development

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Thursday, Sep. 27, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Please advise my daughter is 15 and constantly says she is locked up and restricted and wants to go out with her friends. She also wants to go on a 3 week course in the summer holiday arranged through secondary school. I have a lot of difficulties with her. I try my best to reconnect with her to be at her level but still it’s hard and I live her dearly. I do not want her to rebel or have a double secret life.

Her father is a waste of time. He is always out and about enjoying his own life. He comes from Pakistan. My younger daughter is 12 and I fear the effects on her too. What should I do? How do I compromise with her? I have no support. I do not want to lose my daughters and I pray for them to become closer to their deen.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Masha Allah sister, you are trying your very best for your daughters. As is the struggle with raising children; boys and girls alike in striking a healthy balance between allowing them an element of freedom and the chance to develop some independence, but at the same time try and keep them on the straight and narrow, especially when it comes to their Deen.

 

This is a common struggle for all parents of children, especially at this age. The task is made somewhat easier when the children have 2 parents supporting each other on the task, but it seems in your case that their father is involved in this struggle with you very little. Unfortunately, this is leading you to fear further negative consequences for them.

 

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This might be a good starting point for you – to work on your relationship with your husband in order to work together in raising your daughters in the correct way. Not only will this provide you with some comfort in having some extra support rather than doing it alone, but it will be better for them too – too see both their mother and father supporting them on their journey through these difficult and challenging teen years. The unity between you will provide them with good role models in progressing forward and developing healthy relationships of their own.

 

It is well known in psychological research that as such can be conducive to the psychological wellbeing of children which ultimately has positive effects on their own relationships, where bad relationships and absent parents can lay the foundations for poor relationships if not managed well and without support. If necessary, this might require you to attend counselling together to pick things up between you and get you working together for the sake of the children at least.

 

As much as this will provide solid grounds for raising your daughters in the light of the Deen it will also be useful for you psychologically to develop this connection with them, as much as it will be good for them too. It takes time to build such a relationship and is particularly difficult at this time of life.

 

Begin by taking an interest in her likes, even if they are things that you don’t enjoy. If there are certain hobbies that she enjoys then facilitate them and even join her with them. Let it be an opportunity to bond. Doing fun things together are good ways to bond without forcing a relationship as the process will occur naturally in a familiar setting that she enjoys. Give her an element of choice. Let her be the o e to decide what it is you do and where you go.

 

Letting her be a part of the process and giving her the chance to make independent decisions will help to develop a trust between you where as she will feel comfortable and confident to discuss any such matters with her. On the occasions that she does come to you give her space and time to say what she wants to say. Don’t pass judgement harshly, but instead advice her kindly for her own best interests so that she understands the justifications of your advise.

 

Regarding the trip she wants to go on, you could try talking to the school about it, get further information and as well as letting them know ground rules that you have for her too so they can make sure to structure the outing in such a way to incorporate your wishes without turning it into a big deal that might embarrass her.

 

This, in matters such as mixing with boys and keeping her separate from this. If you are unhappy with her going on the trip altogether still talk to her gently about it and get the support of your husband if you can to take a gentle yet firm stance on it. She may not understand or appreciate this at this point, but in time she will come to understand and appreciate the way you have protected her.

 

May Allah reward your efforts in raising your daughters on the path of the Deen and may He guide them and your husband on the straight path.


A friend of mine is in despair because she found out her daughter committed zina 2 years back. Though her daughter has no contact with the man she did it with and has been repenting; my friend can't just get over the fact that her daughter broke her trust. Everyone is so cold with her daughter because she committed zina; even though she is repenting; Her family ends up taunting or tells her off in a way or the other whenever any occasion arises. So I want to know; How should a mother or sister deal with a daughter or sibling who committed zina? Because I feel really bad for the daughter; she is kind and warm and doesn't share her fears or worry; that is why basically she fell into this 'zina'. Lone girl. I can understand her feelings as I have given her several psychological therapy sessions as she is totally suffering from depression and guilt. A prompt response will be appreciated!



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is a shame that 2 years on she is still being punished by her family for a mistake that she made some time ago. She is clearly feeling bad enough already and is doing the best she possibly can give the circumstances by repenting for what she did and not having anything to do with man. Alhamdulilah, despite them being so cold with her, she has been able to get support from you in the matter.

 

Regarding her situation, she is doing all the right things which in sha Allah will be viewed favorably by Allah as He loves to forgive those who repent.

 

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Of course, she will feel guilty for committing a sin, as any Allah fearing Muslim should, but the situation with her family is only prolonging things and making it worse for her which will make it difficult for her to move on.

 

There are different ways for the family to deal with such a matter depending on the person themselves and the steps they have made after. Being cold towards them will make them feel bad for what they have done and can contribute towards putting them off committing the sin again in the future, which can be a good thing to a certain extent.

 

However, when this attitude is prolonged it can have a detrimental effect on the person leading to depression as has happened in this case. This is not helpful for the person as it can send them in the wrong direction and to feel unworthy and undeserving of anything, or in the other extreme, to rebel and leave Islam and go back to the sin. Effectively, this technique may be the useful short term, but if continued can have the opposite effect.

 

On the other hand, a more gentle approach can be taken where the family talks to the person gently. Talking to them from a place of love for them for the sake of Allah. They can educate them and let them know their concerns about their behavior. This way, the family get a chance to state their disappointment, whilst supporting them in making positive changes.

 

This way, the person is more likely to make positive changes and not commit the same sin again. Let them know that they are talking to them out of love. That they love them enough not to want them to have to face the wrath of Allah. In this particular case, this approach may be especially useful since the girl in question does feel so lonely which you feel lead her to zina in the first place. If she feels supported, she will feel less lonely and therefore less likely to seek companionship elsewhere in a way that may lead to sin.

 

May Allah reward you concern and guide everyone on the straight path.

 




Wa to salaam wa r,wa I sister,

 

It is understandable that you are anxious about what married life will be like and how it will change things for you. These concerns aI’llfor you given that it is your sisters who are helping to find your spouse since your parents arE unable and they have spouses who have very different ideas about the role of the woman in the home.

 

It is advisable at this point that you try not to bother yourself too much about this at the moment as you have no idea who your spouse will be. It may be that he will be happy for you to continue studying and all your worries right now will have been for no reason.

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Instead, perhaps I’m could suggest to your sisters that youbhave a part in selecting your spouse. Give them some criteria that you are ideally looking I. Although, you may not find an exact match, as long as you have a pious spouse on the straight path you will have a happy marriage based o the values of Islam.

 

Also, as part of the process, you should be allowed to meet any potential suitors. Under the acceptable conditions of course with your Mahram present. So you can even discuss your concerns with him and get a feel for his thoughts regarding you studying.

 

Of course, you then have the choice as to whether to go ahead with this marriage. So, in sha Allah allows this someone will come your way who will allow you to study, but if not,  then if he is a good man, who will treat you well, then you will be happy to step down from sI’llfor a time. Also, it is always possible to back to it at a later date once you have settled into your marriage. So, either way, all is not lost.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

 


It's a very important topic for me. My husband is a religious Muslim from Egypt and I am just a Christian from Poland. I don't identify with my religion like with any other but I do believe in God somehow. After I met my husband, I started to see some signs. We are going to have a baby girl soon and I'm really concerned about raising her properly. I don't know anything about how to be a good Muslim. My husband is a really good man, more European mentality than Egyptian what makes things easier but still for me I have different ideas when it comes to raising a kid in Europe. You can wear what you want as a girl, behave as you want, there are rules we should obey the stick to the religion but nobody does that. We have different visions. I have no idea how to support her in wearing hijab, how to cover her body when I don't do it myself. I don't say, I won't convert to Islam but for now, it's not the right time for me. I'd like to speak with someone who has the same problem as me.



Hello and peace,

 

Even though you don’t have any intentions to come to Islam at present, you seem to be very open, especially for the sake of raising your daughter. Whilst it is all quite new to you and unfamiliar even, there is a lot you can do to make things easier for yourself, and your family, especially your daughter.

 

It is pleasing to know that despite your differences in religious beliefs, you seem to be happy to support her in her journey as a Muslim in regards to things like modest dress and wearing hijab. Living in the West, these are challenges that adults face, so you are doing a great job to prepare for it from a young age.

 

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The 2 main things you can do to support yourself now is to read more about Islam yourself and to talk with others in the same situation.

 

Reading about Islam will place you in a stronger position to educate her about these things in a way that you feel is most appropriate to her age. If you understand the reasons why we encouraged to dress modestly and wear a hijab, it will be easier for you to support her in doing so.

 

Furthermore,  if you understand it, you will be better placed to explain it to her. If she understands why she should dress this way then she will be able to do so confidently. This is especially important in the West as she will be likely questioned by her peers about why she is dressing that way. If she understands why and doesn’t feel forced, but does it of her own volition then it will be easier for her. Secondarily, this will also clarify things for you on your own journey.

 

There are many online groups for Muslim mums that you might be interested in joining. Even as a non-Muslim, you be welcomed to address the concerns you have regarding raising your daughter in a way that is compatible with Islam. Here you will be able to discuss challenges such as encouraging modest dress and wearing the hijab and how other mums in the same position have dealt with these challenges or introduced these things from the start.

 

These are places where you can get this personal advice from people going through the same without having to interpret what you have read with a fear that you may be a misunderstanding.

 

May God guide you on the straight path and help you in raising your daughter successfully.


Assalamu Alaikkum wa rahmathullahi wa barakathuhu, My daughter is 18-years-old and she is studying in a mixed college where she has boys as best friends. She also does have female best friends. One of her friends calls her every day and they talk for hours about their studies, future, plans, about career, their family, friend circle and what they are doing at that time etc. Is this okay to have male best friends or should I advise her to stop being friends with males? Please give kind attention to my question. Jazakallahu khairan



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh

 

She should not have boys as best friends, especially during these years when hormones are raging. That is not to say that she will have  any ill intentions with these boys,  or that she can’t be trusted, but unfortunately Shaytaan like s to take advantages of situations where males and females are together, encouraging them to do things that are seemingly innocent at first.

 

She may say that she doesn’t spend any time alone with them so no harm is done, which certainly is better than being alone with them, but it is so easy for one innocent thing to lead to something far more serious.

 

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Alhamdulilah, it seems she has lots of good girl friends anyway so hopefully it won’t be too difficult for her to back away from the boys as she has good friendships elsewhere.

 

Talking to her about it gently, rather than being overpowering and demanding, will lead to her being more receptive of your request and more likely to obey. Being kind about it and explaining why you are saying what you are will let her know that you are there to support her and saying it for her own good in both this life and the next.

 

May Allah reward your concern for your daughter and guide you both aright