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Parenting and Child Development (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
04 January, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

The answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Tuesday, Jan. 09, 2018 | 11:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I found my six-year-old watching content on youtube that it was not appropriate for her age. How can I deal with this??



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

With technology evolving in the way it is today there are increasing concerns for our children both in the the online world ad well as outside now. As parents it is important that we ensure we do all we can to protect our children in this field too.

 

YouTube can be very useful and educational for children, however, there is also a lot of material on it that is very inappropriate also so it is very important to monitor her behaviour so that she doesn’t end up watching a damaging video.

 

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There are several ways you can approach this.

 

The most obvious solution is to sit with her whilst she is in YouTube so you can directly monitor everything that she is watching so that she cannot even watch inappropriate material in the first place.

 

However, for many YouTube is a useful way to keep a child occupied in something educational whilst attend to things like household chores. Unfortunately however, this means that you are unable to directly supervise her and run the risk of her clicking something inappropriate. If this is the case then you can create a play list yourself via your account, especially if it is that you are leaving her with it without direct supervision.

 

This way you can be sure that the next video that will automatically play will be one that you have personally selected and not that she has clicked on. To add safety to this option you could also set this up via your phone/tablet..etc.. and screenshare with your tv and then take away the phone/tablet so she has absolutely no control except to watch what you have selected.

 

Alternatively, if these are not options you can simply not allow her to use YouTube, instead opting for other educational options such as alternative games that you can be sure do not have inappropriate content. They don’t even have to be electronic games. Or, if it is that she pays better attention to educational media you could buy educational dvds or put in educational channels.

 

This might even be a more favourable option given that many children are becoming addicted to electronic entertainment from younger ages. It is still possible for her to entertain herself whilst learning by playing with ‘old-fashioned’ toys also. Alternatively, encouraging both by limiting time on YouTube to allow time for traditional play also can help to b nurture a variety of skills and creativity.

 

May Allah reward you for looking out for your daughter and may He guide her on the straight path. May He give you all it takes to continue to be a good parent to your child

I have a seven year old daughter who has a girl friend she spend a lot of time with because she lives in the neighborhood. They enjoy playing together, but the other little girl has some behavior patterns I'm concerned about--particularly, she lies almost constantly. From the conversations I have heard, the lies themselves are usually harmless, but it keeps my daughter's wheels turning all the time wondering if her friend is telling the truth or not. Do I handle this with just my daughter, trying to make sure I support her and clarify when she's confused? Should I call out the friend when I hear her lying to my daughter or to me or my husband? Should I talk to the parent? She lies way more than she tells the truth, and I feel like it is a problem that should be addressed by someone.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

In this situation you are right to feel concerned for your daughter. Naturally as parents we are concerned about nurturing them in the beat way and are therefore concerned for the friends they have. We want them to have friends that encourage them in positive ways and not be influenced by negative traits, such as lying in this case.

 

As parents, it is also our responsibility to make sure that they do have good friends and encourage them accordingly. At the age of 7, you as her parents will be able to have far more effect in this than if she was older, so you are in a good position to intervene at this point.

 

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Since they live close together and enjoy each other’s company it would not recommended to completely break their friendship as this may cause more harm than good. However, her lying behaviour needs addressing in some way before it impacts on your daughter in a negative way.

 

There is the option to call the girl out herself when you hear her telling a lie, but it would most likely be more effective if you instead take it up with the girls parents first. They know her best and will be in a better position to correct her behaviour.

 

Furthermore, she is more likely to be responsive to her own parents than to you. Perhaps they are already aware of it and are working to overcome it, or perhaps this is only something she does outside of the house because she knows her parents are not around to correct her so she takes advantage. Either way, you will not know unless you speak to her parents about it.

 

You could ask them how they feel about you correcting her yourself in future if you catch her tell a lie when her parents aren’t present. Imagine how you would feel if someone else corrected your own daughters behaviour. If it is because she is doing something wrong like lying then perhaps you wouldn’t mind, but everyone is different.

 

Perhaps they are already aware of the issue and are doing their best to correct her behaviour and don’t want others to intervene. However, sometimes, having someone else pick up on bad behaviour aside from the parents can prove to be a very effective way of overcoming such difficulties. Either way, it would be better and more respectful to her family to talk about this first before taking matters into your own hands.

 

This might be a difficult conversation to have as none likes to hear that their own child is not behaving with good manners. Due to this, do make sure to approach it with sensitivity and gentleness without coming across as blaming or judging. Instead come across as understanding that she is young and children are still learning at this stage and require guidance, as does your own daughter.

 

In the meantime, make sure to be educating your daughter about lying and letting her know that it’s not ok. That just because some people do it, it doesn’t mean that she should too. Highlight the dangers of lying with her by reading her moral stories about what happens when you lie. Likewise, reward her during moments where she tells the truth so that she will be encouraged to refrain from telling lies and feel encouraged to always be truthful.

 

May Allah guide your daughter and her friend on the straight path and make it easy for you to successfully address the issue and overcome it effectively.

As-Salamu `Alaykum. My problem is that my father has always neglected his responsibilities. My problem is probably not a real problem, but it's eating me, and I need to get it out. I hate my father. He hurt my mother and treated his children badly. He damaged our pride and self-esteem. He limited our academic potential by giving the least necessary. He transgressed against my rights and the rights of my mother and siblings. He wants to us to live a life how he wants to be, we can't have our own opinion. He has never understood us. He has being beating me very badly using belts, cane and hand when i was 13 years of age, and keep hitting till I was 16. He never bought me the things i like, i wanted. I just hate him! Now I am 22 years old still he controls my rights and has always been abusing me. i don't want to be with him. he has been very bad towards my mom he never let her meet any of her relatives, if she tries to go then he would put conditions like go and never come back. Whenever i try to go out with friends he always say take your bag and leave the house, if you want to stay in my house then do as i say or you can take your bag and leave! all this kind of statements do hurts me and my mommy. I don’t know what to do. I would definitely don’t want to be with him anymore, my mom can’t bear also, she has high blood pressure and she can’t take all this shit my father does.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

These certainly are terrible conditions that you are living under and is abusive from many angles. It is both physical and emotional abuse. We are commanded to commanded by Allah to obey our parents and respect them, but they must also respect your rights also as well as your mum’s as his wife. Just because we must obey our parents, it does not mean that you should withstand abuse from them as he must also respect you too in fulfilling his responsibility towards you, even if it is just the bare minimum. Part of this includes the less material things too, like providing a safe and nurturing environment for you, which clearly is not the case right now.

Having not heard his own side of the story  I cannot judge the situation entirely, but based on what you have described, it sounds like he is a very controlling and angry man and that judgement is left to Allah. Quite often such behaviour is directed to those who are closest to them such as children and spouses as they are easy targets. In the knowledge that such family members love them unconditionally they are more likely to put up with such abuses and forgive them in ways that perhaps those who are less close to them would. This way, he is able to express his frustrations and anger and exert his control without the fear of consequences. Whilst this might explain his behaviour, it does not excuse it. It is not acceptable, but there are some steps you can take to try and make things easier for yourself and your family who are suffering as a result of his behaviour.

The first ideal step to take that would take all perspectives into account would be to attend family counseling, or at least approach you local imam to intervene and hear all sides to the story and offer appropriate advise accordingly. Having an external person involved will give you the chance to express your own frustrations in a safe environment and receive support and encouragement from someone else. It might also make your father feel more ashamed of his unacceptable behaviour as it is discussed in the open. This feeling of shame might discourage him from engaging in it so frequently and encourage him to behave more appropriately in future.

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However, I understand that in this situation often the abuser is not willing to attend such counseling or meetings and therefore you might have to come up with alternative solutions. One such option could bet for you and your mother to go and stay with friends and family for a short time. This way your at her will see that you are serious. He will have the chance to spend time alone and without you or your mother around to take his frustrations out on, he will have to develop alternative ways to manage such. Over time, he will be able to develop these skills and perhaps be less inclined to then target you on your return. Taking this option as well will also give you and your mother a safe space for some time.

 

A chance to be free from the abuse, to relax and be yourself without fear. Furthermore, being with others will provide you with the sense of security that you have been lacking all these years. You will learn how it feels to be supported by others properly. This support alone can be very comforting to your psychological wellbeing. Again, your father may privately develop feelings of shame during this time as he reflects on his behaviour encouraging him to behave more appropriately in future.

 

During this time, continue to pray for your father; to soften his heart and to guide him on the straight path that you can all rekindle healthy relations once more.

 

May Allah bring you ease during this difficult time and may you find comfort in His remembrance. Maybe soften the heart of your father and enable healthy relations to develop between you in the the future.

As Salam Alai Kum. My daughter is 09 years old and studying in class 4. Her final exams are due in Feb 2018. It is now less than a month. She is not willing to focus on her studies. We have done extensive ADHD tests etc as recommended by the doctor but all are well. She is an average child. We are worried inspite of helping her with the studies she is not coping up. She lacks attention and focus. She is easily distracted. When we pressurise her she back answers too of lately. Please help us. Many thanks.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

We will always have concerns for our children for one reason or another, be it their health, their safety, their education..etc.. In this case, you are worried about her education particularly because she is having some problems with an attention which is making it difficult for her. Furthermore, she now seems to behaving disrespectfully towards you too.

 

Firstly, do remember that she is only 9 years old. Whilst her education is very important, and it’s useful to encourage good study habits from a young age, exams and testing at this your age can be incredibly stressful. Even as adults exams bring us stress, so for a child at the age of 9 to face the stress of exams you can imagine how she must be feeling.

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At the age of 9 she will not yet have developed all the skills to cope with such stress. Even as adults we commonly resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms to manage similar stressors. It is therefore important that you remain supportive during a time that is particularly stressful for her.

 

At the age of 9 she won’t yet understand the importance or relevance of performing well in her exams as it will not likely have any consequences on her immediate future in the same way that more important exams that are undertaken in later life do. When there are consequences, such as attaining a place in college/university..etc.. we become more invested in studying and performing well, but with exams at 9 it is not likely that her results will be used in any significant way.

 

You can also remember this when thinking about how much pressure you put on her to study and perform well. Think about whether it really matters much at this stage how well she performs. This might help you to put less pressure on her to do well at this point. It may be that this reduced pressure placed upon her will make her relax more and place her in a better position to perform well.

 

It is quite likely that her disrespectful attitude towards you is a result of her frustrations. It may be that she genuinely does want to study and perform well in her exams, but due to her inability to concentrate and pay attention she is unable to study and perform as well as she really wants to and this will be frustrating for her. Even if it is not that she is particularly concerned about performing well, it may be that she is feeling pressured by you to perform well and study more than she feels able to.

 

She may therefore be feeling frustrated and upset that shes not living up to your expectations and is expressing this in the form of answering back and disrespecting you. This might not be a result of actually not respecting you, but more her way of managing her frustrations and stress. Again, it might be better, especially at her young age to reduce the pressure on her to perform well and take a more gentle approach.

 

Perhaps instead of focusing on her actual results, be focusing on gently nurturing good study habits that are compatible with her levels of attention. You can do this by encouraging shorter study times more frequently, rather than longer study sessions. Sit with her and offer her encouragement so she feels supported by you and you are in hand to direct her attention back to her work if she gets distracted.

 

Reward her with smiles and encouragement focusing more on her efforts and intentions than actual performance as such. This positive reinforcement will make her more likely to enjoy study and feel more inclined and happy to study as it becomes a positive experience with reduced pressure.

 

May Allah make it easy for you as parents to assist your daughter and may Allah make things easier for her also.

 

I'm 13 and my parents don't allow me to go to mosque which is near my house. My parents are not towards Islam but I'm. What should I do? Should I go without telling them or pray at home?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear brother,

 

Masha Allah, that is great that you wish to attend the mosque especially as you are around the age where attend Friday prayers at least will become compulsory for you. However, at the same time, they are your parents and it is important that you respect and obey them. At the same time, there may come a point where it is ok to disobey them if they direct you to do something that is against Islam.

 

Not being aware of their reasons behind why they don’t want you to go, I wouldn’t advise to disobey them at this point. This is something that you would need to take up with them as they may have rational reason for not wanting you to attend. Perhaps there are people there that they fear may be a bad influence on you, or the route there is dangerous for example. If it is for a reason such as this then they are right to be concerned about you attending as they are simply looking out for your safety.

 

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If this is the case then you could talk with them to make alternative arrangements that perhaps you go with someone that they know and trust. Perhaps you could even ask your father if he might compromise and go with you to Friday prayer only. Maybe every other week to begin with. This might also guide his heart to Islam and he might meet other men who will guide him rightly.

Alternatively, if their reason for  ot wanting you to attend is just because they are not practicing Islam and they don’t want you to either then this scenario is somewhat different. In this case, again you could ask if they would make a compromise and allow you to go sometimes to start with.

 

Perhaps you could agree that to begin with you will only attend Friday prayers. In time as their hearts soften maybe they will allow you to attend more often. Certainly at your age now you are being wise in your desire to attend the mosque as it becomes an important obligation. Talk with them gently about it and don’t get angry. Be prepared that they may be resistant at first. If so, you can show them that you are serious about it by openly practicing at home in the mean time.

 

Let them see how happy and content prayer and worshipping Allah makes you. Even though you are their child, you can still be a positive role model to them. In sha Allah they will see the contentment in your heart and wish for the same and maybe join in with you, or at least allow you to attend your local mosque. This might be a process you have to be patient with depending on their reasons behind why they don’t want you to attend the mosque.

 

As you get older and reach the age where attendance at the mosque does become compulsory for you then you may end up in a situation where you have to disobey them to ensure that you fulfil your Islamic obligations. If this ever occurs, it is important that you still remain entirely respectful to them, but gently disobey any command they give you to do something against Islam if they forbid you from practicing what you are obliged to.

 

Whatever the scenario, continue to make du’a for them. Ask Allah to guide them I  the straight path and turn their hearts towards Islam.

 

May Allah reward your efforts to get close to Him and make it easy for you to do so. May He soften your parents hearts towards Islam and guide them on the straight path.