Overcome Your Life’s Challenges (Counseling Session)

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Feel free to send your questions to [email protected]

Friday, Jan. 10, 2020 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  



Asalamu alaikum,

I help my mom at her shop. She sells phone credit cards and other provisions. She trust me more than my other siblings and so I’m the only one whom she allows to enter the shop but most at times I use her credit cards on my phone for making calls without her knowledge. She knows that I use them but she still allow me to enter the shop but I always use the credit in a way that, she won’t see me doing it.

I sometimes feel it’s not good for me to hid it from her since she know I will definitely use the credit. Sometimes too I feel that if I use the credit in her presence, she will shout at me for using the credit. I don’t know what to do. I need help.

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As salamu alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand your issue you help your mom at her shop. She sells phone credit cards and other things. You stay that she trusts you more than your other siblings and you are the only one who is allowed to enter the shop.

Using Cards without Permission

You stated however that you do use her credit cards on your phone for making phone calls without her knowledge. You added that you use the credit card in a way that she won’t see you doing it. You then stated that she knows that you use the cards.

Broken Trust

Sister, I guess I am a bit confused about the situation because you are using her credit card to make phone calls without her knowledge as you stated, however you then state that she knows that you use them. Sister if she knows that you’re using her cards she is probably sad as you not only broke her trust, but you keep doing it.

Talking with Mother

Sister, whether your mom knows or not, insha’Allah you need to speak with her about what you are doing. Not only are you breaking her trust, but you are stealing from her which is Haram. Your mom may not mind you using her card once in a while if you asked but now it is something different-you are stealing from her. Insha’Allah, it may be best if you approach your mom and discuss the situation with her. As she knows you are doing this, perhaps she is hoping you will come forward and tell her. Perhaps your mom feels betrayed because she trusted you, and you are using her credit without permission. If you approach her and be honest, insha’Allah it will work out. She may be upset yes, but this is natural.

Asking for Forgiveness and Making Amends

I understand you may need to use her card and may be concerned about not being able to make calls. However, it is your mom’s card and you did use it without permission. Insha’Allah, being honest with your mom right now and regaining her trust should come first.  If you ask to use the card now, your mom may object because you did it behind her back and did not ask her. I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you sit down with your mom with a list of the charges that are on her card from you using it to make phone calls. Work out a payment plan to pay your mom back for these calls and ask her for her forgiveness. In addition, please repent to Allah and ask for forgiveness.

Regaining Trust

Insha’Allah, when you sit down and speak with your mom about this, ask her how you can regain her trust. Once trust is broken it is often hard to regain sister, but insha’Allah you can repair the relationship. It seems as if you are the only one your mom trusted and now she may have difficulty trusting again. Insha’Allah, be patient in your efforts to regain her trust and please understand that you will have to show her that you can be trusted again.

Taking Responsibility

Depending on how the conversation goes with your mom, you may wish to ask her if you could purchase your own card after your debt to her is paid off. This way, it will show her you are taking responsibility, and that you understand that you just cannot take things that do not belong to you, you need to purchase what you need.

Honesty

Sister, being honest and upfront about things is the best policy in this life. It is haram to be taking things from others, especially our family, and especially our mom without asking. I am sure that she would not have minded you using her card once in a while, but now that you are going behind her back and doing it she probably feels very sad as you have betrayed her trust. Being honest about what happened and seeking forgiveness is the first step to stop this sinful and hurtful action. As one lives life, a reputation is important. Some may consider this a small matter, but it can quickly become a bad habit which may lead to doing other dishonest acts of stealing. It could tarnish your reputation and cause others not to trust you.

A New Start

I kindly suggest that you seek a new start with your mom. This of course, would mean telling her what you have been doing, apologize, ask for her forgiveness, and pay her back. Ask her how you can make this up to her insha’Allah. In the future sister if you would like something from your mom’s store or from your mom, please do ask her. I am sure she would be more than happy to help you if you needed something. Remember it may take time to gain your mother’s trust back, but insha’Allah your mother will have mercy and forgiveness for you. We wish you the best.

 

Salamz. I’m marreid I have 3 kids. My husband is working in abroad for 10 years he coming only vacation for 3 or 4 yrs a time. Now I love another non marreid man he loves me lots and now I want to marry him. I don’t like to live with my husband again because now I love this person alot what can I do. I don’t like to keep sex or any other relationship with my husband can I ask divorce from him and can I marry this person? 

 

As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand your question, you are married and have three children. Your husband has been working abroad for 10 years. He only comes home for vacation a few times. You now have fallen in love with another man who you think loves you, and you would like to marry him. You say that you do not like to live with your husband again because you have fallen in love with someone else. You are wondering if you could ask for a divorce to marry this other person.

Married but Husband has been Working Abroad for 10 Years

Sister, first of all I’m not sure if your husband has been working away from you and the children for 10 years and comes home every three or four years for a vacation, or if he comes home for three or four years and then leaves again. Please forgive me but it was not clear in your question. However, the issue of your husband working abroad for 10 years is not conducive to a marriage.

Spouses Should Live Together

A husband and wife should live together, there should not be this long of a separation or problems will arise as you can see. It must be very difficult to be married, yet not have your spouse with you especially for such an extended period of time.

Saving a Marriage

Sister as you know, Allah hates divorce. Therefore, I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you try to save your marriage. You stated that you now love another man. However, you know this is haram and sinful. I strongly advise that you cut off this relationship with this other man and deal with your husband. In dealing with your husband I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you sit down and talk with him about the situation of living apart. Insha’Allah help him to understand how unhealthy it is for your marriage. You may wish to point out that you and the children need him to live in the same household as you. This may involve you moving to where he works, or him finding a job where you and the children live. Living apart for so long appears to have put a very heavy strain on your marriage. You have become involved with another man and only Allah knows what your husband is doing. I will kindly suggest that the two of you seek to save your marriage. Insha’Allah, I kindly suggest that you both consider engaging in marital counseling, living in the same household, and trying to rekindle your love for one another.

Options

If you have sincerely tried to make your marriage work and you both still do not wish to be together- married, then of course no one can force you to be married. You may divorce after all other means of trying to save the marriage have been attempted. It may be that you can save your marriage and start over with your husband. It may be that too much time, distance, and lack of connection has caused a permanent discord between you and your husband. The only way you can know for sure is if you try to work it out.

Cut off Haram Relationship

The main thing right now sister is to cut off this relationship with this other man. I understand you are probably very lonely, desire a partner, as well as intimate times. However please think about your relationship with Allah. You know what you are doing is haram and sinful. I urge you to repent to Allah, try to make things work with your husband, and make your decision from there. When we commit sin such as this, no good can come from it as its origin lies in haram beginnings. Look at it this way, if this man who claims he loves you is a Muslim and he’s with you and your married, what does that say about him? He has no respect for you, nor does he have respect, fear or love for Allah. It sounds like he would not be a good spouse even if you did divorce your husband to marry him.

Conclusion

Sister, please do speak with your husband about changing the work or living conditions so that you may all live together as a family. Insha’Allah, engage in marriage counseling to try to repair the hurt and the discord that has evolved. May Allah put mercy, love, and forgiveness between you and your husband so that insha’Allah you may find a renewed love and comfort in one another if it is Allah’s will. Make duaa to Allah for direction, strength, and mercy as you make your decisions.  If your marriage cannot be saved, you are free to divorce as you know. We wish you the best sister.

 

I’m a Christian woman who is married to a Muslim. My husband has always in our marriage of 4 years carried inappropriate relationships with women outside our marriage, my religion teaches me to forgive him but I’m so broken and depressed and I’m standing in faith for a change in his behaviors but it’s hard he’s very disrespectful in his tone and his actions towards me.

I try to remind him God is not pleased by his actions but he will always argue with me about that being true . I’m not sure if he’s wanting to follow his faith fully or if he just likes the idea of belonging to the faith. He’s seems to never have any conviction of his actions towards his marriage and the disrespect to me.

He treats everyone else with respect. I’m constantly praying for my husband and I don’t want a divorce but I’m so hurt I can’t put into words and at times I feel like I don’t want to do my wifely duties because he hasn’t tried to be a husband to me. I ask your opinion on how to handle this situation?

 

As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear what you are going through in your marriage. As you stated, you are a Christian woman married to a Muslim man. During your marriage of 4 years your husband has always carried on inappropriate relationships with women outside of your marriage. As a Christian, your religion teaches you to forgive him, but you are depressed and heartbroken. Despite this, you are standing firm in your faith hoping for a change in his behavior. This is becoming more difficult for you as he is very disrespectful to you in his actions and his tone.

Trusting in Allah

Sister it is very admirable that you trust in Allah so much that you are trying to make your marriage work despite the cheating, the hardship, and the disrespect from your husband. It is said in the Qur’an that Allah hears the cries of the oppressed. It also states that Allah helps those who seek His help, however we must also help ourselves. This means that we must use common sense and other modes to change our circumstances. In your case it appears that your husband is not interested in being faithful, respectful, or a good Muslim husband. As you know Allah hates divorce, but Allah does not want you to suffer either sister. I understand that you do not want a divorce. However, if you have tried everything to save your marriage and it is not working, you do have the right to divorce. Allah wants you to be happy. You are a good woman and you deserve to be married to someone who is God-fearing and who will treat you right.

Finding out Where Your Husband Stands

At this point I would kindly suggest that you speak to your husband about marital counseling. You may wish to tell him that you do love him very much but in order to continue with the marriage, things must change. Marital counseling may help with some of the issues you are going through. Hopefully he will agree to this and it could be the first step in healing your marriage. You may also wish to ask him where he stands concerning Islam. In Islam his behaviors are very sinful and vile. He would need to repent to Allah, begin to follow Islam, and also ask for your forgiveness for all of the hurt and betrayal that has occurred.

Husband’s Dedication to Islam

You are not sure of your husband’s dedication to his faith. You do not know if he wants to follow his faith fully, or if he just likes the idea of belonging to the faith. If it is that he does want to practice Islam, you may wish to suggest that he start attending the Masjid and practicing Islamic values and morals. Perhaps this can help you with your decision concerning divorce or staying married. If your husband were a practicing Muslim, you would not be going through this, but obviously he is not right now. Should he refuse to follow Islamic values and laws, you would need to make a decision for your own future happiness.

Practicing Christian

As you are a practicing Christian, you do value religious morals, Godly standards of living, and pleasing God, therefore you deserve a husband that feels the same. If your husband refuses to follow Islam, go for marriage counseling to heal his marriage, or treat you with kindness, love, mercy, and respect then you can choose to stay in that condition, or you can choose divorce.

Allah does not want you to Suffer

Please remember that whatever you choose, Allah does not want to see you suffer sister, He wants you to be happy. If you choose to stay and your husband does not change, that is by your choice. If you choose to leave, then may Allah bless and guide you.

Examine Situation

Sister please do look at your situation carefully. I’m not sure if you have children yet or are you if you are planning to have children.  If so, please do consider their futures with a father such as your husband if he does not change. What kind of example would he be for your children? Additionally, please consider your own happiness and well-being. Sister, it appears that this is not a marriage that is loving, protective, or conducive to a family life that is built on the foundation of faith.

You Deserve to be Happy

Sister you deserve to be happy. Please do not love your husband more than you love Allah. What I mean when I say this is, as a Christian woman you know what your husband is doing is sinful. You live a pious life, meaning you live your life seeking God’s love, mercy, and blessings. You strive to please Allah.

God-Fearing Women and Men

If your husband does not change, your life may be very difficult and unhappy if you stay. If you divorce you will have the option and opportunity to meet someone who is truly God-fearing, loves God and seeks to please God as well as to please his wife. You are an honorable woman who loves Allah, and you deserve an honorable man who also loves Allah. Please continue to pray for guidance as well as evaluate your situation in order to make it most conducive for serving God.  We wish you the best.