I’m a 22 female currently in a relationship with a guy who loves me deeply our parents met and we’re planning to get engaged next year inshaAllah.
This guy is everything I have asked god for, but sometimes I feel like i take him for granted.
My questions are: any advice for not taking a spouse for granted? And is it Haram to find yourself attracted to others? And does having thoughts or fantasies considered cheating? Any advice for lowering ones gaze and sexual drive ? my conscious is killing me.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
The first and most important thing in this situation is to air a word of caution regarding having relationships like this before marriage. Islamically it is not acceptable and since you are not married yet you should be very careful regarding any contact with him until you are formally married in the name of Allah.
Being in a relationship with someone outside of marriage will naturally result in the development of feelings and will only heighten the feeling of sexual attraction and likelihood of committing zina. Therefore, the best thing for you to do to control such desires is to cut contact with this man until you are married. If you are serious about marrying him, he really is a good guy and your parents are in support of the marriage then why not hasten to push the marriage forward so that you are able to meet your needs in an acceptable way? Having the means to do so in a halal way will automatically assist you in lowering your gaze and inappropriate sexual drive as you will have your needs met in a way that is acceptable. It will also take any feelings you have towards others away as you will have a partner in life to provide the love and security that you need and you won’t feel the need to loom elsewhere. The longer you remain in a relationship where you cannot achieve all the things that a married couple would the more you will be preoccupied with the thoughts you are having.
It might feel like the thoughts you are having are part of taking a spouse for granted, but the thing is, because you are not married such thoughts are running wild in your mind because you don’t have the security that marriage brings. Keep in kind that whilst you are not married to him you are not obliged to him so any thoughts you have about others shouldn’t even make you feel guilty because you are not committed to him! They are causing you some bother because you feel obliged to him, but since you are not there should be no cause for feelings of guilt. It is advisable that you cut contact with hom for now until you are in a position to get married otherwise these negative feelings will only get stronger and Shaytan will only make it more difficult for you to control yourself as your feelings become stronger over time.
Cutting contact with him will also contribute to raising your ability to lower your gaze as you will be reducing the temptation in your life. There are also other things you can do to assist you with this.
Fasting is one of the first things prescribed to assist with lower the gaze and sexual desires. It is a task that helps you to learn to control all of your desires and with regular practice, perhaps every Monday and Thursday as per the sunnah it could eventually become a habit for you that assists you in controlling all desires.
Additionally, as well as cutting contact with this guy himself, avoiding being in mixed gatherings will also help. Also, things such as avoiding watching TV programmes or reading Internet articles that promote the same or have Haram adverts or implied sexuality can also help to tame such desires. Instead, keeping busy in acts of ibadah will help to increase your remembrance of Allah that you strive to do all you can to please him and fear doing anything
to displease him. You can do this by gradually replacing activities that might arouse such feelings with those that do not and in fact have the opposite effect due to increase your Allah awareness. You can do this by keeping busy in acts of ibadah at home such as reading Qur’an, learning about Islam and watching lectures. Of you struggle with self discipline then you can do this with others, either with a sisters group at your local masjid, or even online.
May Allah guide you and protect your from the traps of Shaytan. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
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