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New to Parenting? (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
20 June, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be published very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Thursday, Jun. 21, 2018 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Hi my name is Hoor and I am only 13. So I have a goal and dream of being a sports star but my mum wants me to be a teacher. And that is something I really do not want to be. I don’t know what I should do?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand your question it concerns your career goals. You have a goal and dream of being a sports star but your mom wants you to be a teacher. You stated that you do not want to be a teacher.

 

Growth and Change

 

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Please know that as you are only 13, your career goals could change over the years. So many times when young people go through schooling, they want to go for one thing and later they decide they want to go for another. This is completely normal and it is due to the learning process.

 

Throughout our lives we have new experiences and we learn new things. You may want to be a sports star right now but perhaps when you’re 17 or 18 you may want to be a doctor or an engineer or maybe you want to be a journalist. You may also still may want to be a sports star. The point is, as we change. I kindly encourage you to hold on to your goals and dreams of being a sports star. You may well be a very well-known sports star. But perhaps along the way as the years pass, you may also find something else you would like to do.

 

Open Options

 

I ask that you keep an open mind concerning your future and your goals. You don’t have to be what your mother wants you to be. You only have to be what is acceptable to Allah and yourself. If you’re forced into a career that you do not like or will not enjoy, life will not be that fulfilling.

 

Is very important that we enjoy what we have chosen as a career as it is what we will be doing for the rest of our lives (usually). With that said ,please do keep an open mind to different things. Don’t argue with your mom about careers right now. Focus on your current studies. Participate in sports as you would like.

 

At this point, debating with your mom about being a sports star versus being a teacher is rather irrelevant. It will only lead to being upset and possibly driving a wedge between you and your mom. I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that you leave this conversation for now and focus on other things. You may want to do your own personal research on career goals. You may find that you are interested in something else. You could also be a teacher and a sports star on the side. The possibilities are endless. But for now insha’Allah, please just focus on getting good grades, keeping close to Allah, and enjoying your teen years.

 

Time

 

While it is important when you are young to prepare for your career, inshallah you do have some time before you have to really set concrete goals towards a career. Take this time to explore your options more fully, learn new things, and be open to suggestions to try different things. We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.

I am a 21 year old medical student. And I follow Islam well and obey my parents. I have my share of sins too but alhamdulillah I repent from them and work to protect myself. My parents have given me everything but my mother hates me. She does so because I was a very naughty child and never obeyed when I was young. When I grew up I have become quiet but I don’t have any talent that my parents could be proud of.

Also, i find it difficult to wake up when I sleep so my parents get fed up of waking me. I used to love reading so much that my parents used to get furious with me. I was an above average student but my parents didn’t like that. They pressured me a lot to push my grades up higher but I didn’t manage that high. My mother keeps saying that i am living here because of her Ihsan whenever I get scolded.

Now I am in University alhamdulillah but nothing is better.They give me a lot of lectures, telling me how bad I am, how a useless girl I am, and they even went to the extent of accusing me of having had an issue with a boy just because I was crying. I never talk to boys. My social skills are not good. My communication skills are poor. They judged me on one mistake where I had messaged a random person and they never asked why I am sad or depressed.

I am afraid to speak to them and I have never done so. I live a very miserable life. My mother says it’s because of my sins and my ungrateful ness. I am grateful to Allah and ask forgiveness and pray.

Please let me know what I am supposed to do.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

As I understand your situation your 21 years old, a medical student and you practice Islam as well as obey your parents. Like everybody else, you have had your share of sins, but repented alhumdulilah. You work on protecting yourself from further sinning. You sound like a wonderful young lady!

 

Sadly, you stated that your mother hates you. You stated that she hates you because “you were very naughty as a child and never obeyed when you were young”. You also said that when you grew up, you became “very quiet and you don’t have any talent” that your parents could be proud of. You used to love to read and your parents used to get mad at that as well. As an above average student you got really good grades, however, your parents pressured you to push your grades up even higher. You are studying at the university, but you stayed nothing is better.

Expectations

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I would like to address your parents expectations of you. First of all sister, children have naughty periods when they are little and they don’t always obey. That is just part of the developmental phases of growing up. All children go through these phases.

 

Parents should understand this and not develop feelings of resentment towards their child for this. Sadly, however, many parents are caught up on status and feel that their child should be perfect when even they themselves are not perfect. There is no perfect human being. It appears that your parents have expected perfection from you, it does not exist.

 

Sister, I am confident that you are very bright intelligent beautiful young lady as well as a very good daughter. It is too bad that your parents did not appreciate this. Oftentimes parents in their deep love for us, go overboard in expecting us to be perfect. It can go overboard and end up feeling like hate but it is not. Often parents will focus on their own personal social statuses through their children.

 

This places an unbearable amount of expectation on their children. The outcomes can be negative consequences because there’s so much pressure and stress and ridicule when these expectations cannot be met. It not only causes problems with a child’s self-esteem but it causes problems between a child and a parent as you are experiencing now.

 

Sister please know that what you have done is not only sufficient, but it is beyond sufficient. You focused on your school studies, you follow Islam, you obey your parents, and you’re also a medical student. You have accomplished a lot. I kindly suggest sister that you pull back from these conversations with your parents. Insha’Allah, focus on your studies, try to have fun social times with your friends, go to the Masjid often, read Qur’an and make dhkzir. By drawing closer to Allah swt, insha’Allah you will feel the blessings of a peace and contentment. Allah loves you very much and He has many wonderful things in store for you.

 

Healing from Negative Talk

 

I know it will be hard to turn off negative talk from your parents, but I encourage you to filter out all the negative information and criticisms that your parents have been giving you for all of these years. You are not what your parents tell you you are. Why some parents are hell-bent on trying to tear down their children is beyond me. My main concern is you. You deserve to be happy, to have a wonderful life, to be uplifted and encouraged, and to have somebody there who is positive. You are a wonderful young Muslima and Allah loves you very much.

 

In Islam, children have rights over their parents. One of these rights is not to be constantly ridiculed cut-down insulted and degraded. That is a form of abuse. I kindly suggest sister that you seek out a counselor in your area and begin counseling. I can imagine this has made you very depressed as you’ve tried so hard. You have accomplished a lot but it has not been recognized. Counseling will help with your self-esteem, your communication issues, as well as seeing the true you, instead of the person your parents make you out to be.

 

Lists and Accomplishments

 

Sister I ask that you make a list. On one side put down all of the accomplishments that you have had since you were a child, until now. Write down nice things that you’ve done or said. On the other side, write down what your parents are saying, your mom especially. Look at both list do they go together? Do they look like they match? No, of course not. One side is wrong. And that is your mom’s side.

 

Once you realize this you will realize that you have accomplished much and will accomplish more. You are a good person. You’ve been a good daughter and a good Muslim. You are loving and compassionate, you are humble, you love and fear Allah and you are grateful.

 

Your job right now besides getting good grades, is to learn to Love yourself and to learn how to deflect from the negative and build up the positive. This is your healing Journey. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

Dear counselor, I have two daughters having Epidermolysis bullosa (Rare skin by birth disease). Some people saying that this is an exam from Allah swt some people saying that this is the result of doing what you have done in the past. What I do for the people that I have nothing wrong done in the past that Allah swt give me punishment in the life of this world. plz guide me through this difficult conditions of my life.



As salamu alaikum brother,

 

I am sorry to hear about the skin condition that your two daughters have. As I did not know much about it, I did look it up and it is an autosomal dominant pattern disorder. This means that it is an inherited genetic disease and it is not contagious.

 

Brother this is not a curse, this is not a result of something that you have done in the past that was bad, this is something that was genetically created. As we are imperfect human beings, we do have defects. Some are more apparent and severe than others. There are many types of genetic defects such as tay-sachs, sickle cell anemia and many others. Just because one is afflicted with a genetic disorder does not mean they are a bad person, or that it is a punishment from Allah because they have done something wrong. It is just a human condition.

 

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Education

 

I would kindly suggest brother, that insha’Allah you read as much as you can about Epidermolysis bullosa if you have not already. I am sure that you’ve read a lot and learned a lot, however, insha’Allah I ask that you be well versed about this skin disorder so that you may educate others. Education is the best way to combat ignorance. Those that are telling you that this is an exam from Allah and that this is a result of doing bad things in the past, clearly do not have a medical background or even the insight to understand what this rare skin disorder is truly about.

 

It is sad and hurtful when people accuse, judge, and condemned without having any intellectual knowledge about the circumstances. However, by you knowing how to respond and teaching them that none of us are perfect, certainly, they are not either -will help insha’Allah. The goal will be to reduce the rampant ignorance and cruelty surrounding your children’s conditions. By confronting these people with known medical information concerning your daughter’s disorders, this will insha’Allah greatly reduce the chance that they may be targeted when they get older with the same abuse that you are enduring.

 

Brother, when someone is diagnosed with cancer, diabetes or when a child is born with Down Syndrome, people don’t usually say these things. I encourage you to please insha’Allah, be the message of truth who advocates for your daughters’ and educates the ignorant about your daughters’ condition. There is nothing wrong with responding to accusations and cruelty with an educated answer.

 

It is my feeling that when you do these people will back off. If they don’t, you can walk away or cut them out of your lives if they’re not your parents. You have two beautiful daughters that Allah blessed you with. Despite them having Epidermolysis bullosa, they are from Allah and Allah swt does not make mistakes. While they may need extra care and they may have special needs for their skin, it is no different than others who have illnesses, diseases or are differently abled. While it is a challenge, it is not meant to be something that is considered deviant or the result of behavior.

 

Our Sins are Ours

 

We all sin and we all carry the results of our sins with us unless we repent. When we meet Allah on Judgment Day, there will be nobody next to us carrying these things for us, it will only be us alone. Therefore based on this, you can see how far off people are in their ridicule and judgment of you and your daughters.

 

Your children are not a punishment. Your children are blessings. Insha’Allah, the condition that your daughters have will challenge you to be more assertive with others in regards to education, Islamic principles, love, mercy and adab. We wish you and your family the best, you are in our prayers.

Asalamalikum, most probably I love my mother, my kids and husband more than anything in this world. My husband and me loved each other and asked permission from my parents before marriage. They liked him and his family, only was waiting for his job. He got a private company job, but my parents’ expectation was a government job. So they denied the marriage. They tried to married me off with someone else, locked me home, stopped my study, and verbally abused me 2-3 years in such way that I started having mental and physical illnesses.

My condition was so bad, that my known person wasn’t able to recognize me in their first glance. My parents agreed for the marriage with heavy heart. My father visited him and his family with my grandfather and uncles (they had no idea about my liking). After visiting their house, watching him, his biodata, job, education, family, wealth; all of them liked him more than other competitors and fixed the marriage with satisfaction. My mother who was most abusive asked for forgiveness to me and said if she wasn’t my mother she would fall in my feet for forgiveness as her misbehave made me sick.

I cried with respect and forgave her. I start taking anti-depression pills and revived in few months. The day of my marriage arrived. My parents start getting extremely unhappy with my husband and in-laws as they were not sending me expensive gifts according to their expectations. They considered my husband and in-laws lower and misbehaved with them and with me on my marriage day. My in-laws became very angry on their behavior and had hot conversations with my family. Helplessly I cried hours. My husband who was in love with me, felt so insulted that he kept himself little isolated from me and my family for few days.

My sisters always tempted my mother saying they could marry me off with millionaires or bla bla. My mother was becoming upset of that and continued and increased her neglect towards my husband, in-laws and me. It became very hard to visit her. My in-laws started abusing me thinking I am all alone. My husband became screwed off of two-sided pressure. After 2 years of struggle, my husband and me got very good job beyond their imagination. I forgave both side parents and started helping and taking care of them. My mother was still highly abusive with the concept that once she said no to my new life, she will always remain a big “No”. One day she reacted in front of my husband’s face that how ugly looking he is as he is skinny.

My husband couldn’t take this. He stopped talking with my family. Wished to not keeping relation with me. 2-3 years there after he hated me and my family, months after months stayed away from me, hated me. Now I am again depressed. His oppression towards me is reduced, but, the love between us is already destroyed because of all the hardships. I cried to my mother several times in these 11 years of continuous abuse to stop it and explained my pain, explained how it is breaking my marriage. She isn’t ready to hear anything. Now, how I can save my marriage, I have two kids, I feel bad for them.

I feel bad for my lost love with my husband. I feel insecure and depressed. My husband and me still help my parents. Can I stop talking and financially helping them until they are nice to my husband and me? They have their rich sons. Can I pressurise my mother to behave good with my husband? What Islam suggests me?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session. After reading your question I just want to make one thing very clear. In Islam you cannot be forced to marry anybody. Your parents also cannot deny you a marriage. As long as a prospective spouse fits the Islamic criteria for a husband, you are permitted to marry him regardless of what parents say. There was no need for you to go through two or three years of verbal abuse which caused you to have mental and physical illnesses.

 

If you would have understood your Islamic rights as a Muslimah, you would have known that you and your husband could have married much earlier despite parental disagreement. However is that is now in the past you are facing much of the same issues of abuse, disagreements, disrespect and generally un- Islamic behavior from mainly your parents but your in-laws as well. As I understand, your husband has put up with a lot of abuse from your mother and it is still going on. Your in-laws were very offended and upset and rightfully so, as your parents were treating them as if they were lower class citizens. I am sure this hurt your husband deeply, after all-those are his parents.

 

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Abuse, Depression and Islam

 

Sister, I am sorry to hear that you have been going through depression off and one since this all started. The depression and sadness has now returned due to all the stress, fitna, and anxiety surrounding your family. It seems that your husband has been affected and he can’t take anymore either. This abusive type of relationship with your family (mom) has affected your marriage in a negative way. It is understandable that this type of stress that you and your husband are under will put a strain on a marriage. As you love your parents as we should, it is a difficult situation to be in. However sister I argue to look at this from an Islamic perspective.

Is it Islamic to be abusive towards one’s daughter and her husband? Is it the Islamic thing to do -to constantly criticize somebody, say mean, wicked things, among other things you have outlined here? No… As you know these are not Islamic behaviors.

 

In Islam we are to treat each other with love and kindness especially family members. It appears that your mom and your family members are caught up in a self righteous frame of mind, thinking that perhaps they are better than others (or wish to be better than others) due to money and status. May Allah forgive me if I am wrong. How your family has been treating your husband and his family is horrible. I think you know how this must feel as you have been the victim of their abusive behaviors yourself.

 

A Healthy Marriage

 

I kindly suggest your sister, that insha’Allah you focus on your husband and your children. While we cannot cut off family in Islam nor do I recommend you to, I do kindly suggest that insha’Allah, at this point you try to have as little contact as possible with them. Please do check up on your mom and make sure she’s okay, do what you can financially, always show respect and love but do remain strong in your stance to have peaceful relationships. If your mother starts complaining or acting abusive, kindly explain to her briefly- that you and your husband’s strive for a peaceful Islamic life and that you will talk to her another time when she is not angry or upset.

 

As this abuse has been occurring back and forth for all these years within the family structure, I will kindly suggest that insha’Allah you and your husband get marriage counseling to try to repair your marriage. There may be many factors which may interfere with healing that is why I am referring you to a marriage counselor.

 

Unspoken Pain

 

Marriage counseling can help bring out issues that you or your husband may be feeling but unable to state. Such as, it is possible your husband may feel hurt and angry as he feels maybe you could have prevented your mother from being abusive or you could have stopped it.

 

This may be a feeling that he holds in his heart but does not say. A good marriage counselor will be able to bring out all the issues that you both are holding in your hearts and insha’Allah, help resolve them. I’m not stating sister that this is how he feels. I’m just giving this as an example of how we hold on to conscious or unconscious thoughts regarding abuse and traumatic experiences.

 

Insha’Allah, sit with your husband when things are calm and tell him how much you love him and how sorry you are about how he has been hurt. This is a way of validating and empathizing with his hurt. Ask him if you both can start over, and that you would like to start over with the help of a marriage counselor. Explain insha’Allah, that this will help to get everything out in the open, cleared up and to start the journey towards healing. Insha’Allah he will be receptive to this. He sounds like he loves you very much sister, he is just hurt and probably at the end of his rope with all the abuse and disrespect.

 

Healing and Islam

 

Insha’Allah, please do focus on your husband and your children and limit your time with your family. Insha’Allah, you will find that by focusing more on your husband and your children, as well as actively seeking counseling to heal your marriage, you both will be happier.

 

Sister, focus on your own little family unit, going to the Masjid together, praying together, having social times with other young Muslim couples with children for fun, as well as learning and praying together as a family. All of these things of Islamic worship and practice are some of the best healers.

Assalam o alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. I'm very hot-tempered. A diabetic patient and some others. Children don't obey, do not properly pray or read the Quran. My husband has expired and children want me to do as they say. When I get angry with them I curse them. (either Allah talla make you good or if not then may Allah talla take you away.) They are always forcing me to do what they say, may it be family matters or anything,.They do what they like. Oldest is 25 and youngest is 9. (six daughters and one son). Three daughters are married. Two of these married ones also interfere. Please Do give advice.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shukran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear you are having problems with your children. As I understand, you are a diabetic patient and your spouse passed away. Now your children feel that you should do as they say. I can imagine that all of this is very hard on you.

 

 

First of all, you lost your spouse. You have diabetes which is a challenge in itself, and your children don’t obey nor do they pray or read the Koran. That must really hurt as I am sure you have raised them all in a very solid Islamic home.

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Loss of Independence-Regaining Control

 

I can imagine that it is difficult to have your some of your Independence taken away as you are a diabetic patient. Having an illness or a condition that needs to be managed can be stressful. Often help is needed. However, rather than just helping, it seems that your children are now trying to take over the household. You state that they try to force you to do what they say, and that this makes you very angry.

 

In response you curse them. While I understand that this would make you angry, and more so it probably hurts, I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that you stop cursing them. Allah does not want us to curse our children and Allah will not answer your type of requests. While I understand you do not mean it and it is probably just a reaction from a point of intense frustration and anger, it still is not an Islamic thing to do. There are other ways of dealing with them and regaining control over your household.

 

I am not sure if the older children live with you or if they live on their own. If they live with you insha’Allah you may wish to tell them (not when you are angry) that you are still the parent, this is your home, and you will run things the way that you feel is proper.

 

You can kindly suggest to them if they don’t like the way that you run your home that they don’t have to come over (or live there). I’m sure that this statement may shock them and possibly make them feel hurt but insha’Allah it is one that will get their attention. Your children love you very much and seek to help. I am sure that they do not want to move out or stop coming over.

 

I am sure that you do not want this either. However your authoritative statement may make them realize that they are overstepping their boundaries. Your children may feel that this is the best way to take care of you and to help out, when in fact it is hurting you. Many of their decisions are not in alignment with the way you wish to live.

 

Communication

 

I kindly advise that you do acknowledge your love for them as well as your appreciation of their efforts to help. They need to know however, that this is still your home and things will be run the way that you see fit. Insha’Allah, express your appreciation for their input but make it clear you will decide on final outcomes. Make a very strong point concerning the respect of being the parent, and being the one in charge.

 

While they are trying to help you because you do have diabetes and your spouse has passed away, please do show them some mercy and some kindness in their efforts. I’m sure they are doing it out of love. Perhaps when there is a time of calm, you can sit down with all of your children and make a list of the things that they are doing or saying that are not appropriate. Discuss each point with them from a loving perspective stating you understand that they’re trying to help, however this will not continue. Take each point and discuss what is wrong with the point and ask them not to repeat the errors. Inform them that the home rules will be followed.

 

Guidance and Duaa

 

In regards to their not praying properly or reading the Qur’an, sadly some of your children are grown and there is nothing that you can do about that. At this point, as your children are older according to Islamic principles you are to be more of a friend to them concerning their guidance. Please do make duaa for them that they do start to pray properly and that they do start to read the Qur’an.

 

Duaa is our most powerful weapon. Allah listens to our duaa’s and He answers them. As for the younger ones, gentle reminders and encouragement will help insha’Allah. Inshallah, you will have the comfort of knowing that you did your best and now the only thing you can do regarding this is to pray to Allah. It is their responsibility as young adults and children. They were raised in a righteous manner it is now upon them to be accountable. As the youngest is 9 and the oldest is 25, insha’Allah the older ones can help guide the younger. If not, insha’Allah try to get the younger ones more involved at the Masjid and with practicing Muslim friends.

 

By taking back control of your household insha’Allah, your children will begin to let go of the “power” they feel they have over you. Again, while it may seem as if they are running amuck, it may actually just be that they are worried and are trying to do the best they can by “running” everything. Set the boundaries, be consistent and insha’Allah there will soon be a balance in your home once again. You are in our prayers.