Problems in getting married

Q:

Assalamualaikum

What to do if the boy’s father denies the girl of  son’s choice who is a practicing muslimah and is forcing him to get married to girl of his village  where the boy doesn’t want. and To the girl’s parents whom he wants to marry they have kept a condition to the boy that he should bring his parents for the proposal for marriage and the girl is being constantly pressured to stop thinking and waiting for that boy and get married somewhere else if the boy’s father is not ready to bring up the proposal. The girl’s parents are considering marriage without the boy’s father consent as a harm to their dignity in the society. The boy has tried every means to convince his father by involving other persons still his father is not ready. The boy and girl are potential partners and they want to get married to each other.Please help out what to do?

A:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

 

If both of you are mature adults and you have freely chosen each other, then the ultimate choice is yours. Parents cannot force a son or daughter to marry against their will.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “if a person of sound faith and character comes to propose to marry your daughter then facilitate the marriage for them; otherwise, you are paving the way for increased corruption in the land.”

Having said this, I would urge him to speak to his father and let him know his preference; he may also use the leaders of the community to convince him to accept the decision. If all of your efforts to persuade him fails, then he can get married using the legal channels.

For further details, let me copy here relevant part of an answer I gave on a similar question:

“In Islam, it is not a sin if you feel a special affinity or inclination towards a certain individual since human beings have no control on such natural inclinations. We are, however, definitely responsible and accountable if we get carried away by such feelings and take specific actions or steps that might be deemed as Haram (forbidden).

As far as male and female interaction is concerned, Islam dictates strict rules: It forbids all forms of ‘dating’ and isolating oneself with a member of the opposite sex, as well indiscriminate mingling and mixing.

If, however, one does none of the above, and all that he or she wants is to seriously consider marrying someone, such a thing itself is not considered Haram. In fact, Islam encourages us to marry persons for whom we have special feelings and affinity. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “That would enhance/foster the bonding.”

This permission notwithstanding, we are advised against getting carried away by merely the outward appearances of a person; these may be quite misleading. Marriage is a life-long partnership and a person’s real worth is determined not by his or her physical looks, but more so by the inner person or character. Hence, after having mentioned that people ordinarily look for beauty, wealth and family in a marriage partner, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, advised us to consider primarily “the religious or character factor” over and above all other considerations.

Further, Islam’s insistence on parental involvement in the selection process is to ensure that a person exercises his or her choice correctly. In other words, so parents can step in if there is a serious issue of compatibility.

Compatibility entails a person’s worth in a spiritual and moral sense: the only primary criterion that makes or breaks a marriage. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “If a person of acceptable religion and character presents himself for marriage, marry him, otherwise, there would be widespread sedition and rampant corruption in the land.”

Therefore, if you have made a choice based on the above consideration, then your parents have no right to stop your marriage. Since it is your choice to eat the food you wish to eat, likewise, it is your choice to decide whom you wish to choose as a life-long partner. They cannot stop you from marrying the person you want simply because the person is not sharing your culture or ethnic background.

Parents, however, have the authority to intervene should you choose someone of questionable moral and religious character. Should you proceed in such a case against their wishes, your marriage is deemed null and void according to the rules of Islamic jurisprudence.

If, however, your parents’ objection to your marriage is based purely on racial, cultural or ethnic grounds, you are allowed to seek other channels of authority to intervene in such a case, as long as the person of your choice is of acceptable religion and character. The concerned authority is supposed to get the parental consent to the marriage, but should they insist on their stand, the authority is sanctioned to authorize your marriage.

This last option should only be exercised after you have exhausted all endeavors to communicate with your parents, both individually and through other channels in the community such as elders or respectable leaders or Imams. It is more likely that parents are concerned about their children for genuine reasons, and that once things are explained to them, they will probably, relent.

Allah Almighty knows best.

Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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