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Muslim Children & Christian Holidays (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
14 December, 2017

Salaam Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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atc@aboutislam.net

Monday, Dec. 18, 2017 | 01:00 - 03:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam. My 4 years old daughter becomes extremely anxious of fireworks. She cannot stand the loud noise. New Years Eve is here and I am afraid she will scream the whole day again. Do you have any advice what to do with her, how to explain to her that there is nothing to worry about?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It is understandable why you are feeling so anxious to find ways to help your daughter in the build up to a day when fireworks are commonly set off and you know from previous experience that she has responded badly to the sounds of them. This can be as distressing for you as for her and you want to do your best to make things easier for both her and yourself. This is not an uncommon problem and there are several different ways in which you can minimise the distress that might be potentially caused in this night.

 

Firstly, if she knows what to expect then her anxieties may be reduced. You can help her with this by showing her videos of fireworks on YouTube. She will be able to see the noses and colours created by fireworks from the safety of her own house on a screen that can be turned off anytime. This will give her some control, as well as an idea what to effect and ability to see that  o harm has come to anyone as a result of the fireworks.

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Furthermore, you can create a more comforting surrounding for her on the night by surrounding her in items that bring her comfort, such as a special blanket or toy. This will also help to create positive associations between the sounds of fireworks whilst feeling safe in her home. If she still feels unsafe and disturbed, you could even get her some earplugs or muffs to cover her ears whilst she is also distracted doing things she enjoys, or even sleeping it’s late.

 

Another means to create positive associations and even turn the fireworks into a hit of fun is to turn into some kind of game. You could do this by simply allowing her to keep a tally of the amount of fireworks she hears. Or, even more fun, turn it into a game where every time you hear a firework go off you have to pretend to be an animal and the other person has to guess which animal the other is. This will  ot only keep her relaxed, but will again associate something positive with the sound of fireworks, therefore changing the negative link between fireworks and anxiety to one of happiness and fun. Furthermore, if she sees you relaxed during the times when fireworks are going off, she is more like to mirror your behaviour and behave in a relaxed manner also.

 

May Allah make things easy for you both and ease your and hers anxieties.

 

Salam sister. I have a 16 years old son. He wants to meet his friends on New Years Eve at night. He said he would be at his friend’s home, but I am afraid he is lying. I actually do not really like his friends. Some are Muslims even, but they are not really practicing Muslims. They smoke cigarette for example and God knows what else they do. We are not a very religious family either, but I wish my son has better friends and avoids doing major sins. I am afraid they would make him do something bad. I haven’t caught him being drunk or smoking yet, but I am afraid of this New Years Eve as people tend to be out of their mind, especially teenagers. How shall I deal with my son? I am afraid he is hiding a lot of things from us. How can I convince him to have better friends?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

As parents, we will always have one concern or another for our children. Throughout childhood, the concern that they are with good friends is one of primary focus as friends can have such a strong influence on our children, in the worst case scenario, leading them astray. At 16, your concern is that he could be lead to commit haram such as drinking and smoking typically carried out by many on New Years Eve. You are concerned that he is lying to you so that you will agree to allow him out.

 

As it stands, he hasn’t given you any reason not to believe him as you have never caught him doing otherwise and stopping him from going out could abuse this trust that currently exists between you. Your resistance could even cause him to go astray as he may feel that if you don’t believe him, or trust him then he has nothing to lose if he does don’t he things that you fear he is. You therefore have the option to trust that he will actually behave responsibility on this night.

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However, understandably you are well aware of the things that can and do go on and this causes you concern. Also, as a parent, you feel responsible for him, and will feel responsible should he get into trouble for engaging in the things you fear he might and this is fine and perfectly natural also.

 

There are some things that you could do hear to strike a compromise, allowing him to go out, but giving you peace of mind that he’s not up to no good. One option could be to tell him that he can invite his friends to your house. This way he still gets to hang out with his friends, but under your own roof so you can monitor what they are up to to some extent. Alternatively, you can ask for the contact details of the parents of his friend. This serves several purposes; first of all you can feel conformed to know that you can call the place where he is staying, you can talk with his friend’s parents to get an idea of what his family is like and finally your son will know that you have their contact details and that you could contact them anytime and therefore is less likely to feel comfortable telling any lies in the knowledge that he could be caught out if he does.

 

In the long term, you could also integrate more into your local Muslim community. This will be good for your ow Deen also. It may be that you also meet good people with children the same age as your son who you could introduce to him. This way you will feel more confident that you know he is hanging around with good peers. In addition, you say that you don’t practice much. This is something that you might want to focus on also for the future as your son sees you as his role models and will be more likely to emulate your behaviour. If he sees you practising and leading righteous lives, he will be more likely to copy and follow in your footsteps which naturally make him less inclined to mix with people who do things such as drink and smoke out of fear of Allah.

 

May Allah guide you all on the straight path and keep your son safe from harm.

Assalam o alaikum, My parents are narcissistic which has created a lot of problems amongst us as a family. Me and my other 2 siblings had been disrespectful towards our parents but gradually we have realized that distancing ourselves from them would help better than anything. As we know obeying and respecting parents is essential in Islam,we find ourselves in confusion of how to do so? Because being narcissist our parents will always manage to drag us to the point of disrespect. Please also clarify what is meant by obeying parents because often kids are blackmailed to do anything in the name of obeying. Please keep my identity hidden. Waiting for your reply. Kind regards



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Yes, you are correct that it is very important that we respect and obey our parents except in the situation where they tell you to do something against Islam. The difficulty that you face however, is that you feel that their narcissistic traits lead you to become disrespectful towards them.

 

You can try setting gentle boundaries in such a way that they don’t necessarily see that you are the ones taking control. You can do this by recognising patterns in their behaviour; perhaps there are certain triggers to their narcissistic behaviour for example. When you feel that they are about to hit the line where you feel like responding in ways that may be deemed disrespectful, then quietly leave the conversation. This sets a boundary with them that you do not want to discuss a certain topic any further, but in such a way that you don’t resort to disrespectful behaviour also. This way you are protecting yourself at the same time as setting a boundary with them. Acting in this way allows you to be the one to take control of the situation, rather than them being the ones to control you. This something that you and your siblings can unite on so that it’s not that your parents come to find a way to single out the weakest person who is more likely to engage with them and succumb to their narcissistic traits and will lead to that particular child becoming the most easily targeted.

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You might say behaving like this with them is a way to ‘repel that which is evil with that which is better’ as Allah advises us too, so is very much in line with an Islamic way of managing your situation. Perhaps they will also learn from your positive attitude towards them and feel more humbled by your ways of not disrespecting them, leading them to potentially feel more inclined to behave kindly and respectfully towards you in return.

 

Importantly, don’t let their behaviour effect your own. It has commonly be found that narcissistic parents can lead their children to become narcissistic, or otherwise psychologically disturbed in some way or another. Setting gentle boundaries as discussed above can be one way to protect yourself from such. Furthermore, take care of yourselves and make sure to also spend time with others also so you do not fall into the trap of feeling less than worthy as a result of their narcissistic behaviour towards you. Do things that you enjoy and make you feel good about yourself too. Again, this way your own psychological wellbeing will be boosted and you will be in a better position to face any negative comments you might face from them more successfully and will feel more confident in yourselves.

 

May Allah guide your parents on the straight path and make them the coolness of your eyes and you of theirs.

 

Salam Aleikom. I am a convert sister living in a Western society alone. I am a divorcee. We just came back as we were living in another country where Christmas is not celebrated. My family is not Muslim, and they celebrate Christmas obviously. They want to buy presents for my daughter, they want that we eat with them Christmas dinner and want to take her to the church with them as well. They cannot understand why is it a problem. I do not want to do as I am alone I feel vulnerable, I have to live with them as I cannot afford living in my own apartment, so they kind of feel like as they give us food and shelter they are entitled to tell us what to do. I don’t wanna be rude either. How shall I handle the situation?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

This does indeed sound like a tricky situation. As a divorced mother in a non-Muslim country, staying with non-Muslim relatives you want to respect their own beliefs and desires, but at the same time, these beliefs are inconsistent with your own and you don’t want your daughter to be influenced by their beliefs that are inconsistent with Islam. Your situation means that you have little choice but to stay with your family right now so have little room for escape, but at the same time are worried about the impact of this time upon your daughter as well as family relations.

 

We know that we are strongly encouraged to maintain ties of kinship so it would be unwise to cause difficulties with your family at this time, but you also need to remain steadfast in your Deen to please Allah and should not compromise your Deen to please them. However, it is possible to make certain compromises that don’t effect your Deen that could equally satisfy your families desires to engage in certain activities during this time. For example, perhaps you could agree to having a family dinner together, but not on Christmas day and without the various things that symbolise Christmas such as crackers. Likewise, you can allow them to give your daughter gifts, but agree that they are not given on Christmas day or are wrapped in Christmas paper. Regarding taking your daughter to the church, this may be one area where there simply cannot be a compromise.

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We should respect the ties of kinship and obey our parents, except in matters where they tell you to do something against islam. Taking your daughter to church on Christmas day is perhaps taking things too far and there may be no easy way to compromise here except being firm with them that she is your daughter and you don’t want this for her, but that you are happy to make all the other compromises mentioned here. If you feel like such a discussion might cause difficulties, then be sure that this conversation happens out of your daughter’s earshot. Exposing your daughter to difficulties that you might face in discussing compromises could have detrimental effects, but for her to see that you all as a family have been able to come together successfully can be very beneficial to her. Generally, make sure to have such discussions as gently and respectfully as possible so that they will feel more inclined to respect your own desires also.

 

Certainly in Islam eating together and giving gifts is not forbidden and is recommended, so if it can be done in such a way that does symbolise Christmas directly then you could satisfy their own desire to do such things as a family, but in a way that is more congruent with Islamic ways of doing so.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and bring peace between your family during a time that can be quite difficult in families that practice different faiths.

As-Salamu `alaykum, counselor. I’m a father of three kids (10, 8, 4), we are living in Canada. I’m converted for about 5 years Al-hamdulelah. During the Christmas time, people here all over the country illuminate their houses with lights, put up Christmas trees, exchange gifts, and all the stores are decorated for Christmas. All this is very tempting to my small children; as they love putting up lights and decorating for holidays. Also, some Muslim families put up Christmas trees and lights to keep their children happy. So, my question is how to deal with that, my kids want to celebrate just for having fun but I know in Islam we as Muslims shouldn’t celebrate? Please advice. Jazakum Allahu Khairan.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

This time of year can be quite challenging for Muslims living in the West. As a convert with children, you also face the additional challenges of how to deal with festivities.

 

that we are surrounded by, yet are incongruent with following our religion. Unfortunately, some of the materialistic aspects such as gift giving, as well as paganistic practices such as putting up trees and lights can come across as deceptively appealing. This can be difficult for parents, as we know that it is not ok to celebrate Christmas, yet at the same time the children are attracted to these things and we don’t want to leave them feeling left out and disappointed.

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The most important thing is to be strong and not compromise your Deen for the sake of seeking the pleasures of this world that we will have to answer for. However, at the same time, it is important to be tolerant of the beliefs of others and respect this too.

 

As children of the age that yours are they may have a hard time understanding this fully at this time so it is important to gently educate them on the fact that as Muslims we don’t celebrate Christmas, but we must respect that others do. However, we do celebrate the 2 Eids. Now, the Eids have passed some time ago and the next Eid will not be for a few months too so this might still be difficult for them, because it might seem that they have nothing to celebrate for a while. So, what you can do instead here is make Friday a special day each week for them. Place special emphasis on being together as a family each Friday, eat a nice meal together as a family, perhaps let them have a sweet treat. Take them to the masjid and let them play and have fun with other Muslim children. Upon realising that they also have their own special days in Islam they will have less desire to think about joining in the festivities of other religions at this time. They will come to understand that there is still room for fun in Islam too, but in a different way. If they are happy and confident in their Deen like this then it will be easy for them to accept not getting involved with practices not in line with Islam without being tempted to join in.

 

It might be tempting to bury your head in the sand and protect them from seeing all these tempting things around them so that they don’t desire to do the same and this is something that you could do, but, at the same time, at some point they will have to come face to face with it. If you have hidden these things away from them then this might make them more curious to find out more and be even more tempted to engage in what has been hidden from them. If you educate them from this early age the correct ideology will be instilled in them from the onset which will make dealing with it much easier for them over the coming years. This, along with nurturing a love of Islam in them from a young age will make them stronger in faith that they are well able to respect the beliefs of others with tolerance whilst embracing their own Deen confidently.

 

May Allah make it easy for you during this period and may He reward your desire to keep your children rightly guided.