Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for your overwhelming interest and particpation.

Check out the 11 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Divorce Advice

Assalamu alaikum,

My husband and I have been married since 2016. We have 2 biological kids, a daughter plus a son and an 18 yr old daughter that I have before becoming Muslim. I am Filipino while my husband is Moroccan. I no longer want to stay in my marriage. The biggest fight we had was quite recently and he stormed into my home office and turned it upside down. He became violent and hit me at one point because I kept responding back at the humiliating things he threw at me. Additionally what set him ablaze was when I told him I didn’t need to work if he earns $3k biweekly. He never showed affection and feels entitled that even while I am working from home, it is solely my responsibility to take care of the house and the kids. He is always out doing what Allah knows what every night. I told him I wanted divorce during the fight and we have not spoken a word since. He still lives with us but I am now devoid of anything. I am unhappy and he is the type who does not believe in marriage therapy, thinks he is always right and conceited. I am truly unhappy and no longer have any will to stay in this marriage. How do I even begin talks of divorce when we don’t speak while living together and I fear that he may get aggressive again if I open it up? 

Assalamualaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for opening up about your struggles with your husband. It seems that you have been through a very difficult time recently, and I’m truly sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing. You said that you had a big fight recently, and since then, you both have stopped talking to each other. You are considering divorce but you don’t know how to start speaking about it because you feel that he may get aggressive again. You also said that he does not believe in marriage therapy and he thinks that he’s always right. 

Firstly, I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. This is not easy, and I pray that Allah grants you strength, guidance, and ease.

Regarding your question about how to begin talking to him about divorce, here are some tips: 

1. Involve a Trusted Mediator
   Since you are concerned about his reaction and fear it may escalate into aggression, I suggest involving a neutral third party. This could be a family member—either from your side or his—whom both of you trust and respect. A mediator can help create a more controlled environment for the conversation and ensure that the discussion remains respectful.
2. Encourage Constructive Dialogue
   While it seems your husband is resistant to marriage therapy, you can still try to approach him in a calm and composed manner, expressing your desire to resolve this situation. If you feel safe, start the conversation by acknowledging any regret you might feel for how you responded during the argument, even if you were not entirely at fault. This approach might open the door to a more productive dialogue.
3. Recognize Cultural or Personal Barriers
   It’s possible that your husband may not have learned how to properly address conflict or acknowledge mistakes, which could be deeply ingrained. However, this inability to communicate or apologize does not excuse harmful behavior. Seeking some form of guidance, whether through a trusted family member or elder, might help both of you address these issues in a healthier way.

In sha Allah, by involving a third party or creating a calm environment for discussion, you may be able to approach this delicate topic with less fear of escalation. If further conflicts arise or you feel unsafe, do not hesitate to seek additional support from those you trust.

May Allah guide you and grant you ease in navigating this situation, and may He provide a resolution that brings peace and stability to your life. Ameen.

Question 2. Marriage Proposal

I am writing this to ask about a rejected marriage proposal and wondering what I can do to proceed. I have been talking to a girl. I am 26 and she is 24 with one more year left in school. Both families are from the same village and live near each other. We now live in the US. Her parents have rejected the marriage proposal due to the fact that her father is uneasy about her marrying into my family. We are both practicing Muslims. We do acknowledge that we talked prior to officially asking for her hand and informing the parents and have decided to take some time apart for her parents to warm up to the idea. We did not think what we were doing was wrong at the time. She is not as optimistic as I am that we can make this workout due to the stubbornness of her father and I am at a loss.  He did not even take a chance to meet me or speak with me and he has told her to simply respect her decision. Can her parents deny this offer Islamically based on this? Are there any tips or anything we can do to try to help our chances

Assalamualaikum, brother,

Thank you for explaining the situation regarding your marriage proposal rejection. You mentioned that you proposed to a girl from the same village, and while you both now live abroad, her father rejected the proposal. His reason is that he feels uneasy about her marrying into your family. Although you are both practicing Muslims, her father did not take the time to meet or speak with you, and she is not optimistic about the situation because she sees her father as very stubborn. He simply told her to respect his decision. Your question is whether her parents can deny this proposal Islamically based on these reasons and if I can provide any tips to help your chances.

Unfortunately, this appears to be a cultural issue, and sadly, we often see cultural practices taking precedence over Islamic teachings in many families. From an Islamic perspective, there are valid conditions under which a marriage proposal can be declined. These generally relate to fulfilling the rights and duties of both spouses, such as economic readiness, religious compatibility, and sometimes family considerations. However, cultural factors often dominate, especially in settings where marriage is seen as a union of two families rather than just two individuals.

In Islamic traditions, it is true that family considerations can play a role in marriage decisions, particularly in environments where extended families are closely tied. There is wisdom in this, as it allows families to ensure compatibility, strengthen social bonds, and establish a support system. However, there must be a balance. The individual preferences and consent of the couple are equally important, and Islamically, a parent’s objections should not disregard the legitimate rights and choices of the prospective spouses.

To address your situation practically:  

1.Understand the Reason for Rejection  

   Try to determine the exact reasons for her father’s refusal. Is it due to a prior commitment or promise he has made? For instance, has he promised her marriage to someone else? If so, while this does not justify rejecting your proposal without her consent, it helps to understand his perspective. If there is no such commitment, then you may want to inquire further to clarify his objections.

2. Involve Your Families 

   Consider asking your family to approach hers respectfully to discuss the matter. Sometimes, the involvement of elders or trusted family members can soften resistance and open the door to dialogue. It would also be helpful to learn specifically what concerns her father has about your family so that you can address them directly. If you are aware of her father’s specific concerns, try to address them clearly and respectfully. For example, if he is worried about where you will live or your ability to provide for her, explain your plans and readiness. Demonstrate your commitment, responsibility, and sincere intention to fulfill her rights as a husband.

3. Seek Religious Guidance 

   If her father’s objections are purely cultural and not grounded in valid Islamic reasons, you might consider involving a trusted religious authority or scholar. They could speak to her father and explain the importance of balancing cultural concerns with Islamic principles.

4. Consider Your Living Situation  

   If you plan to live far from her family (e.g., in the country where you are currently studying), this might ease his concerns. It may help him feel that potential cultural or family conflicts will not directly impact daily life. Be prepared to discuss this aspect if it applies.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide all involved to what is best. Remember to remain patient and make plenty of du’a. 

Question 3. Do not like her

Selaam alaykum,

I have a question. 

Last week my mom brought me a picture of a girl from back home and asked me if I am interested in her. If so, she would ask permission from her parents to allow her to get to know me better. I said yes. 

After talking to her for a couple of days. I realized that she is very mature, has a good personality and is also good, practicing Muslima. 

I got so excited and I asked her to send me another picture. When she did I got disappointed. Because she is not as attractive as in the first picture. 

I am really ashamed to tell my mom, the girl and her family that I am not interested in her anymore. 

Can you give me advice on how to get out of this situation without hurting any feelings? 

Assalamualaikum brother,

Thank you for your question. You mentioned that last week, your mother showed you a picture of a girl and asked if you were interested in her. If so, she planned to ask her parents for permission to allow you to get to know her better. You agreed, and after talking to her for a couple of days, you became excited about the idea. However, when you asked her to send another picture, you were disappointed because she didn’t appear as attractive as in the first picture. Now, you feel ashamed to express your feelings about this to your mother, the girl, or her family.

Let’s start by noting that this situation seems to have happened very recently. Since it has only been a week, your realization is quite sudden and based on a short period of interaction. Importantly, you haven’t made any formal commitments yet. As a counselor—not as a scholar—I believe that you have the right to explore, to discover, and to determine whether you and someone else are a good match.

Also, please keep in mind that it is a realistic expectation that when you are looking for a long-term commitment, like a marriage, which is one of the major decisions in our lives, we may not get it right at the first trial. That would be so easy, subhanallah, and a real blessing. It is perfectly normal that when you are looking for a spouse, you go through a couple of proposals until you find the right one.

After just a couple of days of respectful conversations about each other’s plans and goals, it is completely within your right to decide that this is not what you’re looking for. There is nothing wrong with that. Permission to explore a proposal does not mean that you are bound to compromise. Rejecting a proposal after exploration does not reflect badly on you or the other person. In fact, deciding early on that it’s not a good match can save both of you from complications later, such as engagement or marriage that might lead to unhappiness or regret.

From an Islamic perspective, maturity, good personality, and being a practicing Muslim are important qualities. However, they are not the only considerations. At this point, you haven’t made a commitment. You can express to your mother that while you are grateful for the opportunity, this is not what you’re looking for. If the family asks for an explanation, you are not obligated to give one, though you may share your feelings if you wish. This does not mean she isn’t a good or beautiful person. It simply means that overall, the proposal doesn’t spark your interest, and that is okay.

Additionally, this experience can serve as a lesson for the future. Next time, when considering a proposal, take time and make an effort to meet in person, if possible, or at least interact through video. Pictures can sometimes give a very different impression than real-life interactions. Small details, like gestures, expressions, and overall demeanor, are very important in forming an impression of someone. This is not only practical but also recommended in Islam. The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised that one should look at the person before marriage to avoid future conflicts.

So, with that said, you can respectfully communicate that this is not what you are looking for. In doing so, you are honoring the sister as well, as it is not fair to her to continue a process where your interest is not present. If your parents are good communicators, they should be able to convey this in a kind and respectful way, in sha Allah.

May Allah guide you and make this process easy for all involved.

Question 4. Abusive marriage

I have been married for 25 yrs now!

I belong to a very respectable family!

My husband has been very abusive with me from the 1st year of marriage but I didn’t take it seriously till last year! He becomes physical now! He always starts fights with me! He never respected me & my elder daughter! He never appreciated me but blames me, taunt me, Abuse me etc 

I just want to know if there is any way I can save my marriage until my daughter gets married!He has tried to control me since day one! He just wants to hear yes for everything!I feel so helpless sometimes because I tried every single method! He gets happy when I cry! He never cares about my feelings!He always wants him to be appreciated!I don’t know what to do! What Islam says in this condition plz guide me!

JazakAllah khair

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for explaining your struggle. You mentioned that you have been married for 25 years, and your husband has been abusive since the first year of marriage. However, you didn’t take it seriously until last year, when the abuse became physical. He frequently starts fights, never respects you or your daughter, and doesn’t appreciate you but instead blames and abuses you. You’re asking if there is any way to save this marriage until your daughter gets married.

Sister, if you are saying that it’s only in the last year you started to realize the severity of the abuse, I would ask how the previous years of marriage have been for you. What were your expectations regarding married life? Also, I understand that you want to save the marriage until your daughter gets married, but I wonder what you foresee happening after that. Why do you think separation will be easier later? These are important questions to reflect on.

It’s important to note that abuse—whether emotional, verbal, or physical—is not acceptable in a marriage. Your husband has no right to treat you this way, regardless of any struggles he may face. Physical abuse, disrespect, and a lack of fairness violate your rights as a wife, and your daughter’s rights as his child. These transgressions need to be addressed immediately.

You may consider involving someone from your family or his family, especially if you have a good relationship with someone who can admonish him and advocate for your rights. A joint meeting between both families could help address these issues and seek support. It’s crucial to make your rights clear to him and to demand respect and fairness.

While reconciliation is ideal in any marriage, it may not always be possible or easy. Islamically, it is not your duty to fix him or tolerate ongoing abuse. If your rights are not being fulfilled, you are not obligated to stay in the marriage. You should also reflect on whether this is something you wish to continue pursuing.

Please try to seek support from a qualified counselor, ideally a Muslim one who understands the cultural and religious context of your situation. They can guide you on how to address these issues and work toward a solution. If possible, involve your husband later in family or marriage counseling to work on your marriage together, in sha Allah.

May Allah guide you to the best solution!

Question 5. Second Marriage Quarrels

Assalamu Alaikum. I am in a relationship with a man who is married with 4 kids. We are planning to pray nikah asap and I’m so delighted about it. However he does not want to tell his wife and kids about our marriage “out of respect”. They are well aware of our relationship and are rightfully not happy about it but I guess they do not know the seriousness of it. I’ve been subjected to this secrecy for a while and I don’t want to continue like this as his wife.  Am I wrong for wanting him to be honest with them? 

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for explaining your situation. You are in a relationship with a man who is already married with children, and you are planning to pray nikah. However, he does not want to tell his wife and children about you. You mentioned that his wife is aware of the relationship and, understandably, is not happy about it, but they may not realize the seriousness of it. You do not want to continue as his wife in secrecy, and you would like him to be honest with them.

Let me raise a few points here. You mentioned that he does not want to inform his wife about the nikah “out of respect.” However, he does not seem to view being in a relationship with someone outside of marriage—something that is unlawful in the sight of Allah—as disrespectful. This raises a concern. If respect is his justification, then why does he view secrecy and keeping the relationship outside of halal boundaries as more respectful than pursuing a lawful and halal marriage publicly? This is an important starting point for reflection, as it highlights a contradiction in his reasoning.

If he is serious about marrying you, having a nikah is essential because it is the only way your relationship can be valid in the sight of Allah.

At the same time, I understand your concern about the secrecy. Keeping the marriage hidden is problematic for several reasons. First, marriage in Islam is not meant to be secretive. Second, if he is to balance his responsibilities, such as time, finances, and emotional support, between two families, this will eventually require openness and transparency.

I wonder how he plans to fix all of this because it’s not only keeping it a secret that he got married. Getting married and signing a nikkah is just an event, and hiding it seems to be not a big deal. But what is a big deal is that he starts a new married life and probably a family with someone else parallel to his actual family and marriage.

Secrecy often leads to complications, misunderstandings, and even dishonesty. For instance, hiding a marriage may lead to lies or half-truths to justify time spent away or changes in financial allocation. Moreover, secrecy undermines the trust and respect that should exist in a marital relationship. It is fair for you to ask him why he believes keeping the marriage hidden now will result in less harm, confusion, or pain later.

You also have the right to ask him about his real intentions and plans. How does he plan to manage two parallel lives? At what point does he plan to inform his wife and children? Does he understand the emotional and practical implications of maintaining a parallel life? It is essential to clarify these points because they will directly impact your rights and your future.

Additionally, consider the concept of respect he speaks about. He seems to have no issue being in a relationship outside of marriage, which is clearly not permissible in Islam, yet he hesitates to make the relationship halal through nikah and be honest about it. This is a contradiction that you can address directly with him.

Ultimately, this is not just about honoring you but also his first wife and family. Transparency and fairness are critical in polygamous marriages, as permitted by Islam. If he is unwilling to take responsibility for the conflicts and challenges that arise from such decisions, it is a sign of deeper issues. While only Allah knows his true intentions, his actions must align with justice and fairness for there to be any good in this arrangement.

I advise you to seek clarity from him, as well as to consult a Muslim counselor or a marriage counselor with experience in second marriages. Such a professional can help you navigate this situation, respect everyone’s rights, and minimize harm to all parties involved.

May Allah guide you, and make this situation easy for everyone.

Question 6. What should I do now? I feel stuck

I’m three months into my marriage, which was arranged. I only met my husband twice before the wedding and couldn’t properly talk to him. I’m struggling to connect with him, and my family already expects a lot from me, even asking about having a baby. I feel trapped in this situation.

I’ve faced sexual abuse in the past, which my husband knows about and has been supportive of, but I’ve never felt any attraction toward him. He’s not my type, and his appearance and lack of communication bother me, even though he’s kind, calm, and hardworking.

I’m usually a funny and quirky person when I’m with people I’m comfortable with, but I can’t be myself around him. He doesn’t speak much, and ever since we got married, he hasn’t made me laugh. I can’t open up to my parents because they see him as a good person and wouldn’t understand. I feel stuck, angry, and unsure about what to do next.

Salam alaikum, sister,

Thank you for sharing your struggles. I understand that you have been married for three months, and before the wedding, you only met your husband twice and didn’t get the chance to communicate properly. Now you find yourself struggling to connect with him while also feeling burdened by your family’s expectations. You’ve mentioned that you don’t feel attracted to him, that he isn’t your type, and his lack of communication is bothering you. 

You’ve also faced sexual abuse in the past, which your husband knows about and has been supportive of. You described yourself as a funny and quirky person when you’re comfortable, but you can’t be yourself around him because he doesn’t speak much and hasn’t made you laugh since you got married. You feel stuck because your parents see him as a good person and won’t understand your feelings.

First of all, sister, I am truly sorry for the situation you’re in. Regarding the past sexual abuse you’ve endured, I highly recommend seeking counseling to explore how that experience may be impacting your current situation and your marriage. Healing from past trauma is a crucial step, as unresolved issues can significantly affect our ability to connect, trust, and feel safe in relationships.

You also mentioned the expectations from your family and how this was an arranged marriage. It seems you might have agreed to the marriage partly because of parental involvement, yet you’re unable to share your true feelings with them now. Did you realize that you did not like him during the initial meetings? Were you able to express your feelings to your parents about your concerns? 

What you explain highlights a deeper issue—your possible struggles to express your authentic emotions to those closest to you, especially your parents. It’s important to reflect on how your relationship with your parents has been in the past. Were you able to openly express your needs and feelings to them? How did they respond? Understanding these patterns can shed light on your current struggles in this marriage and your ability to connect with your husband.

I am not sure, but it’s also possible that your husband is facing his own challenges, or that your attitude affects his behavior. His lack of communication and inability to make you laugh might not necessarily mean that he doesn’t care or isn’t trying. He may also be struggling to adjust to the marriage, feeling unsupported or unsure of how to connect with you. 

Marriages, especially in the beginning stages, require effort from both sides, and it’s important to focus on your attitude and investment, rather than waiting for the other person to make the first move.

I advise you to focus on taking responsibility for your own actions, attitudes, and efforts. You can start by reflecting on how open, talkative, and curious you are about him. Building attachment and emotional connection will require patience, genuine interest, and a nonjudgmental attitude. Even if you didn’t initially feel attracted to him, attraction can sometimes grow through deeper emotional bonding and connection. The more you open up to each other, the greater the possibility of developing those feelings. However, this requires intentional effort and a willingness to discover and understand each other better.

Finally, sister, I encourage you to seek counseling to explore how your past trauma, family dynamics, and attachment patterns may be influencing your current relationship. Working through these areas can help you approach your marriage with more confidence and openness, which may, in turn, encourage your husband to open up as well. May Allah guide you and make things easier for you. Ameen.

Question 7. Regretting past decision

I will be 27 in one month, I always desired to get married. At 22 as that’s the year most girls in my family marry..but when I reached 22, my sister got divorced, because of her toxic in- laws and husband..So my parents focused more on her remarriage.  By the time I’m 24, she got married for the second time. I’m not complaining,  as I know her previous marriage was suffering and I always prayed to get a happy life, alhamdulillah,  she got it now…

But after 24. I feel like I’m old and I will not get someone who matches my basic preference,  that’s a higher education like engineers etc, as everyone in my family marries mostly well educated CA, engineers etc..

I’m too educated..I got one proposal from my sister’s new sis in law. Where the guy is young handsome, educated, good family in Deen, and also rich…but not the education I desired..and also at the time I’m not feeling ok for the marriage, so I rejected him, but now after 3 years I feel so regretful that Allah send me the best and I rejected..as all the proposal get after him is not as good as that…I feel so helpless, as my all my younger cousins are getting married,  and one of my younger cousin got the same good-looking guy with Deen and good family but not the education our family most have, still she choose him.

So I feel like I am too arrogant to reject the good proposal I got…will I be able to get the same blessings again.

I’m always an indecisive person,  I really don’t know how to make decision that can help me..I wish I can go back and change the decision, so I would be living a good family life by now…but now Allah blessed me with a job, which work from home..that’s the job I always prayed for…but idk what about my future,  I’m feeling so hopeless as I feel, as I getting age people look at me with sympathetic way, and I get fear, that I may not be able to enjoy young love, I wish to marry a young guy..as I never been in any haram relationship..I akways decided to love after marriage, as I thought I will get married by the age of 22..idk why this happen to me .I’m a sinner,  feel so hopeless sometimes,  and also hopeful as I pray to my Lord..still the regret of not accepting that proposal haunting me a lot.. I feel like I rejected the blessing abd afraid will I be ever get the same proposal ever

Salam alaikum, sister,

Thank you for sharing your feelings and situation. You’ve mentioned that you regret rejecting a marriage proposal when you were 24 because, although the person was educated, he didn’t have the specific qualifications or career path (like engineering) you desired at the time. Since then, you haven’t received any proposals that you consider suitable. Meanwhile, you’ve observed your cousins—some who chose partners with lesser or different qualifications—getting married and living happy lives. This has left you wondering if you’ll ever receive such a blessing again. You wish you could go back and change your decision, thinking it might have led to a good family life by now.

At the same time, you acknowledge that Allah has blessed you with a job you always prayed for, yet you still worry about your future. The thought of rejecting that past proposal continues haunting you, and you fear you may have turned away from a blessing and won’t receive another chance like it.

Sister, I understand your feelings of regret over your past decision. Sometimes we conclude that the path we didn’t take would have been the “the one.” However, I want to remind you that this is only one possibility. You don’t really know where that path would have led, and it’s important to remember Allah’s qadr (destiny). What was meant for you could never have missed you. 

However, Allah tests us through our decisions and circumstances to teach us lessons and guide us toward what is truly best for us. It’s possible that you needed this experience to understand that education or a specific profession does not guarantee a happy marriage. Perhaps this was a necessary step for you to shift your perspective about what really makes a marriage successful. Marriage is not about degrees or career titles; it’s about values, compatibility, emotional connection, and the ability to support and grow with one another.

Sometimes, cultural or family expectations, or even our own misconceptions, can influence your choices. But through life’s tests, Allah provides opportunities for you to learn, grow, and align your priorities with what truly matters. This journey, while difficult, is part of Allah’s guidance for you. He is leading you toward someone who is genuinely suited for you and who will fulfill your needs in a meaningful way, in sha Allah.

You’ve also mentioned that during this time, Allah has blessed you with a job you always dreamed of. This is a blessing, and it’s important to recognize and express gratitude for what you have achieved. 

Comparing yourself to others, like your cousins or friends, can lead to unnecessary frustration and feelings of inadequacy. Remember, everyone has their own unique path and timeline.This is no standard of fixed age and way of getting married, and you can clearly see in your sisters experience, that getting married early  is not the guarantee of success.

Allah controls the timing of everything, and perhaps He wants you to learn certain lessons and develop a deeper understanding of yourself before granting you the blessing of marriage. When it comes to comparison, if any,  use this time to reflect on how far you’ve come personally, emotionally, and spiritually. Think about the lessons you’ve learned about what truly matters in life and in relationships. Be grateful for these insights, as they will help you approach the future with a clearer and more mature perspective.

When another proposal comes, in sha Allah, you will be able to evaluate it through the lens of what truly aligns with your values, needs, and priorities for a fulfilling marriage. Until then, trust in Allah’s timing, and know that what is written for you will find you.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to what is best.

Question 8. Dealing with controlling in laws 😒

Asalaamualaikum I’m a young revert who recently got married to a man in … I moved here in August and we are currently living in his family’s house. We have done the Islamic marriage ceremony but we have not yet had the wedding, which I learned in this culture means that we are not technically married yet and we are still considered to be engaged. I’ve been having issues with his family and cultural differences regarding the role of the daughter in law. His parents have been acting in a way towards me that I feel is wrong, and according to the research that I have done it goes against my Islamic rights. But I’m still very confused so I need some advice. For example, his parents have been forcing me to clean for them since the first day I got here. They say that in this culture the daughter-in-law should work for her husband’s family. They say that I must spend 100% of my time with them…that I don’t have the right to have my own space. According to my father-in-law he is the boss and I must obey him. I don’t have the right to say no or to really express my feelings. His parents are very kind but I feel can be very overbearing at times. I feel like my rights are being completely disregarded. And my husband isn’t really doing much to stand up for me, he usually just agrees with his parents. This really makes me depressed and I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like they are respecting me at all as his wife and I know that I have rights in Islam but according to his parents culture is more important. I’ve asked my husband several times to please help me and please stand up for me but he usually just gets upset. Are his parents really correct and what they are telling me? Is the daughter-in-law really just supposed to be a maid? What happened to a wife’s rights in islam? And I’ve tried before to mention to my husband that a wife has rights to her own dwelling space and that she shouldn’t be like a maid to her in-laws, but this just seems to be causing problems between my husband and his family, and I don’t want to do this. What do I do?

Salam alaikum, sister,

Thank you for sharing your situation. You mentioned that you are a revert, married to your husband, and living in … with his family. Although you have not yet had your wedding ceremony, just the nikkah, it is considered that you are still engaged, but you are already living with his family. Your main struggle seems to be adjusting to the cultural customs in his family, which you feel conflicted with your understanding of Islamic teachings about the rights and duties of a wife and daughter-in-law.

You’ve explained that this environment can feel very overbearing because, according to your father-in-law, he is the “boss,” and you are expected to obey him and contribute fully to household tasks. You feel you don’t have free time or personal space, as you are always expected to be with the family. When you try to address your concerns with your husband, he becomes upset, and your attempts to have him stand up for you often lead to more tension between him and his family.

This is indeed a complicated situation. There are a few important things to consider. 

First, I don’t know how you and your husband met, what your initial understanding was about living arrangements, or whether you discussed the cultural dynamics before marriage. I’m also unsure whether your husband has lived in the West before, or if you were prepared for the differences in culture and expectations when you moved to Jordan. These are significant factors, as sometimes cultural customs can overshadow Islamic teachings in certain families or communities.

In many traditional cultures, especially in collectivist societies, the needs of the family or community often take priority over individual rights and freedoms. This can be a shock for someone coming from a more individualistic culture where personal needs and space are valued. Your husband may also be struggling with this dynamic, as he was likely raised to prioritize family compliance over personal freedom. This may explain why he finds it difficult to stand up for you or challenge his family’s expectations.

Islamically, you are correct that a wife is not obligated to serve her in-laws or to live as a maid. You have the right to your own personal space, time, and autonomy. However, as you’ve seen, cultural norms can be deeply ingrained and may override Islamic ideals in practice. It’s also possible that your husband didn’t fully anticipate how these cultural dynamics would affect your marriage, or that he wasn’t entirely aware of the challenges you would face coming from a different background.

This situation requires a delicate balance. On one hand, you have the right to express your needs and advocate for your personal well-being. On the other hand, directly confronting or disregarding their cultural norms may cause further tension and resistance. Instead, consider approaching the situation with kindness, patience, and an effort to understand and respect their values, while also setting boundaries for your own well-being.

If possible, try to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your long-term plans as a couple. Will you continue to live with his family, or do you both plan to move elsewhere? It’s essential to clarify your shared vision for the future and determine whether you can realistically adapt to the cultural expectations if you plan to stay.

While it’s difficult to say whether the situation will improve entirely in your favor, showing respect and understanding for their culture while gradually and calmly expressing your needs may help foster more positive change. 

At the same time, it’s important to reflect on the lessons this experience has taught you. As a revert, it’s common to know Islam in its purest form, but real-life situations often reveal the influence of cultural practices and their challenges. This experience can serve as a valuable lesson in understanding the complexities of intercultural marriage and the need to be well-informed about cultural norms before entering into such commitments.

If you have the opportunity, try to connect with other sisters in similar intercultural marriages. They may offer insight and advice based on their own experiences, which could help you navigate this situation more effectively. While we strive to align our lives with the teachings of Islam, it’s important to recognize and account for cultural influences when making life decisions.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to the best solution.

Question 9. Career path and istikhara

As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

I’m sorry this is not related to marriage lssues . I have a question and would greatly appreciate your guidance.  

I graduated from university with a degree in mechanical engineering late last year. However, since my second year in university, I developed a strong interest in web design and app design (product design). Over time, I’ve grown to love it much more than mechanical engineering.  

Now that I’ve graduated, I find myself uninterested in pursuing a career in mechanical engineering, but my family and friends continue to send me job offers in that field despite me explaining my feelings to them. While I appreciate their concern, this situation has made me doubt myself and my career decisions. I’m torn between sticking to my passion for product design or reconsidering a career in mechanical engineering.  

I recently performed Istikhara regarding my career path, but I’m unsure what signs or outcomes I should be looking out for to help me make the right decision.  

Jazakumullahu khairan for your time and advice.

Salam alaikum,

Thank you for explaining your situation regarding your career choice. You mentioned that you have completed your education in mechanical engineering, but over time, you’ve developed a strong interest and passion for web design and product design. You’ve grown to love this field much more than mechanical engineering. 

Now that you’ve graduated, you find yourself uninterested in pursuing a career in mechanical engineering. However, your family and friends keep sending you job offers in this field, despite you having explained your feelings to them. While you appreciate their concern, this situation has made you doubt yourself and your career decisions. You feel torn between sticking to your passion for product design or reconsidering a career in mechanical engineering. You have prayed istikhara, but you are still unsure about the outcome or what to expect.

First of all, let me assure you that this is a very common struggle. Many people choose their education path for various reasons—perhaps due to family influence, personal interests at the time, or even circumstances. 

However, as we grow older and learn more about ourselves, our interests can change. It’s not uncommon for people to realize later in life, even after years of working in their chosen field, that it’s not what they truly enjoy. They then shift toward something they are more passionate about, and this can be a real blessing, alhamdulillah.

When we choose a career path at a young age, often around 18 or 19, we may not fully understand our long-term interests. 

The goal should always be to work on something you are passionate about—something you enjoy—because this increases creativity, productivity, and enthusiasm. This is incredibly important, as we spend a lot of time of our life with our work.  If you now feel strongly about web design and product design, then in sha Allah, you should explore that direction.

It’s also important to understand your family’s perspective. They care about you and are likely trying to support you in the best way they know how, based on the education you pursued. Perhaps they also have similar educational backgrounds, so they are offering advice from their experiences. This doesn’t mean they are dismissing your feelings; they simply may not fully understand how your interests have shifted.

If web design is your passion, I encourage you to research and explore realistic possibilities for education or career opportunities in that field. Look into courses, certifications, or internships that can help you build your skills and credibility. If there are resources or opportunities available, take advantage of them.

At the same time, continue making istikhara and trust in Allah to guide you.

When it comes to understanding the outcome of istikhara, remember that it’s not necessarily about receiving a clear or direct sign. Instead, you may notice facilitation or ease in the direction of your choice—or, alternatively, you might encounter obstacles that make you reconsider. For example, if you find excellent learning or job opportunities in web design, or if things start falling into place in that field, it could be a sign to continue. On the other hand, if you face significant difficulties, such as a lack of resources, unaffordable courses, or blocked opportunities, it might indicate that this isn’t the right time to pursue it.

Also, remember that pursuing your passion doesn’t have to be an “all or nothing” decision. If, for financial or personal reasons, you need to start working in mechanical engineering, you can still develop your interest in web design on the side. Many people begin their passions as hobbies, freelance work, or part-time projects, and then transition into full-time roles later when they are ready. Your journey doesn’t have to be linear, and there is no need to rush.

Keep trusting in Allah, and don’t ignore what your heart is telling you. Real opportunities will resonate with you—they will spark enthusiasm and motivation. If the idea of pursuing a job in mechanical engineering doesn’t excite you at all, then perhaps you already know your answer. May Allah guide you to the best path and make it easy for you.

Question 10. Marriage proposal

My question is what to do when you are stuck in a position where you don’t find a way or solution.

Let me explain to you my situation. I like someone he is 7 years younger then me, he loves me even more, he is the one who convinced me by giving example of Hazrat Khadija and Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him. He wanted to send a proposal, his mother talked to my mama and my mama and brother didn’t consider that proposal because in comparison there are more good proposals waiting.

My family agreed on one who is 4 year older than me, have a good job and follow religion too, I took a stand that time and talk to my mama ,big brother, younger brother, my sister that please meet him once, they didn’t agree giving me reason like he is not completely settled, we don’t know them, they are unknown and out of cast and he is younger than you. 

In the pressure from my family and because of mama’s health and they fixed my rishta with that guy. That guy has a beard and he contacted me to ask a few necessary questions. I understand and found that yes he prioritizes deen and he wants a wife who motivates him to do even more and who raises his children in an environment so they become sadqa jariya. 

But on the other side he seems so self-centered and keeps talking about the wife’s rights and about obeying him. When I compare he is not as good looking as the person I love. I tried to talk to api and mama again about it but they didn’t listen and told me we are not your enemies. It is not good for you, I keep asking from Allah. I prayed istikhara for both, but didn’t get any sign.

Now after eid, they are saying to final the date of marriage and the boy whom I love keep saying don’t give up. I tried to stop talking to him too and tried to hand over this matter to Allah…he is saying if my family don’t approve till the end then message the boy directly and tell him you don’t want to marry him.

I know if I leave him I won’t be happy and he will be destroyed too…not finding a way what to do? Stuck in very bad situation …kindly…kindly….kindly help me in this…kindly help me out

Salam alaikum, sister,

Thank you for explaining your situation. You mentioned that you are in a complicated position where you have loved someone who is seven years younger than you. He wanted to send a proposal, and his mother even spoke to your mother. However, your family rejected this proposal for several reasons: they feel he is not completely settled, they don’t know him, he is outside of your caste, and he is younger than you.

Due to family pressure, you accepted another proposal from someone four years older than you. You mention that this man has a beard and seems interested in pursuing the deen, which motivates him further. However, you find him self-centered, and when you compare his looks to the person you love, you feel he does not appear as good-looking. Despite this, your family insists on their choice, and you believe they want the best for you.

You also said that after Eid, things will be decided. The boy you love continues to urge you not to give up and says if your family does not approve, you should write to your future spouse that you do not want to marry him. You feel unsure of what to do.

Sister, this is indeed a complicated situation. Let me explain why.

First of all, in an Islamic marriage, your consent is essential. Whether it’s an arranged marriage, which is culturally common in some societies, your willingness is a must. Your family may have concerns, and in an ideal situation, they are acting out of love and wanting the best for you, not only for their families. They may be considering factors such as financial stability or social and family compatibility, which are valid concerns.

For example, financial stability is important because it directly relates to your rights as a wife to be maintained. However, other factors—like the family being known to one another, caste, or even the age difference—are not Islamic requirements. They may help prevent challenges in some cases, but they should not outweigh the importance of your happiness and willingness in marriage.

Regarding the proposal from the person you love, some of your family’s concerns could be valid, but some may not be as significant from an Islamic perspective. At the same time, when they present this other proposal to you, they must also consider your feelings and interest in that person for the sake of your own happiness. While rational factors like financial stability and religious interest are important, these do not guarantee a successful marriage.

For instance, someone having a beard does not necessarily indicate their level of religiosity or righteousness. Similarly, caste differences or family familiarity are cultural issues and not Islamic obligations.

Now, let’s address your feelings.

Sister, it’s understandable that if you have already attached your heart to someone, it will be difficult to find another proposal meaningful or interesting. This is one of the reasons Islam encourages us to avoid premarital relationships, as these attachments can complicate future decisions. When you’ve already developed feelings for someone, but that union cannot happen, it can make you idealize that relationship and believe it to be the perfect solution to your life’s struggles. 

This attachment can also lead to disappointment if things do not work out as you had hoped. You may find yourself longing for a situation that didn’t happen and creating an illusion of what could have been. This can, in turn, diminish your willingness to make an effort in another marriage that might otherwise work well.

Here’s how you can approach this situation:

Try to put aside your emotions for a moment and evaluate the practical realities. Are there valid concerns regarding his readiness or ability to provide stability? Are there realistic solutions to these concerns in the short or long term?

If you believe that marriage with him is possible, express your interest respectfully to your family. If it is not feasible due to the concerns mentioned or because your family will not agree, try to acknowledge that Allah has another plan for you. Remember, nothing happens except what Allah has written for you, and if this person is not meant for you, trust that it is for the best.

Try to look at the proposal from this other man objectively. Set aside comparisons with the person you love and consider whether you feel any compatibility with him. Do your values, attitudes, and personalities align? Can you imagine a future with him?

If you are sure that this is not the person you want to marry—regardless of your feelings for the other person—then you need to express this to your family. Be clear that you do not feel this match would make you happy or that it is not suitable for you.

If you decide that you can see potential in this marriage, then commit to it wholeheartedly. Try to focus on this person and move on from your previous attachment. Trust that Allah has tested you and prevented you from something that was not meant for you for a good reason.

I hope this helps, may Allah guide you and make it easy for you.

Question 11. Toxic inlaws Delaying Rukhsati what to do?

I’m a 25-year-old woman, and it has been almost a year since my *nikaah*. Before that, I was engaged for four years. During our engagement, I discovered that my husband had an affair with his cousin (from his mother’s side), who was pregnant at the time and she took pills and aborted it. Despite this, they still wanted to continue their physical relationship. He only proposed to me while I was in college, speaking directly to my father about marriage. When I caught him, he apologized and sought forgiveness, and eventually, we got married. 

Since then, I’ve faced many challenges. His parents dislike me because I exposed his cheating to both our families. I find them disrespectful and lacking in values, even though they pray five times a day. They seem neither God-fearing nor modest in their behavior. My husband gives me a monthly allowance (30% of his salary), half of which I save by investing in gold for our future. However, his parents want that money too. For the past six months, I’ve been pleading with my husband to complete our ruksathi, but he keeps avoiding the topic. A few months ago, I found out I was pregnant. Instead of supporting me, he was scared to tell his parents and pressured me to keep it a secret. When I refused, he began insisting I get an abortion, saying he wasn’t ready for a child and that his parents would be upset because ruksathi hadn’t been done. The constant stress and lack of support from him led to a miscarriage. That night, I was in unbearable pain and begged him to stay with me, but he refused, fearing his parents\’ reaction. He even told me not to inform my own parents and left me to go through it alone. Now he says he doesn’t want a child in 2025 or 2026 because of the ongoing conflicts between us, yet he won’t admit that his parents are the real reason. 

His parents manipulate him emotionally—his father cries, saying I’m taking him away, and his mother stops talking to him whenever he visits me. Even though we live just 10 minutes apart, he only visits for a few hours before rushing back to them. When I beg him to stay, he refuses. I’m afraid he might leave me. I’ve repeatedly asked my father to discuss ruksathi with his father, but my father says, “You’re already here in front of me. Let them come and talk.” But they won’t.

Now his family is planning to move to another city where his cousin (the one he had an affair with) lives. I feel stuck and helpless. My father did contact his father over a call  twice. He refused to meet, saying he’s not keeping well, but he’s going to work… I feel they are avoiding us. Recently, I discovered I’m two weeks pregnant again. And had miscarriage again. Whenever I bring up the topic of having a child, he tells me to shut up and not talk about it. My mother advises me to stay distant from him to avoid getting pregnant, as she fears he might leave me for his parents if ruksathi doesn’t happen. She worries I’ll end up alone with a child, making remarriage difficult. But I don’t want to remarry—I just want a loving, healthy family. 

And my parents are really amazing Alhamdulliah. They have listened to me, understood me and supported me, and I have an elder brother who’s unmarried and my parents want him to get married too, but because of me being at home… he’s not thinking of marriage. I’ve complete my studies and not working…I’m torn. I desperately want a baby, but I’m scared of being a single mother and raising a child without support. Should I plan for a baby?? I feel so alone, and all I’ve ever wanted is a family of my own. Also I have anxiety and overthinking issues and constantly health issues, and under weight too. Please guide me on what to do… Allah should be pleased by my actions…

I have another question too- I’ve Instagram account with huge followers and I do signature and logo design rarely. Can I raise some money for myself to buy land or property? Is it sinful or it is a charity? As my father is going through a financial crisis and my husband has no future plans… Can I do it for myself? Or use that money for myself like expenses? Is it wrong? Please guide me

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for sharing your struggle. What you are experiencing is a difficult and painful situation, and I pray that Allah makes it easy for you. From what you have described, it seems that, unfortunately, both your husband’s family and even your husband himself have not shown a genuine commitment to your marriage.

You mentioned that you were engaged for four years, during which time he cheated on you with his cousin, who even became pregnant. He apologized and sought forgiveness, and you got married. Since your marriage, you have faced challenges, many of which seem to be influenced by his family. It appears they are delaying your wedding celebration and avoiding addressing the topic altogether.

You also mentioned that during your marriage, you became pregnant twice, but sadly, both pregnancies ended in miscarriage—may Allah grant you patience for these losses. Even during those pregnancies, your husband did not show happiness or support. Instead, he even suggested abortion because he was worried about his parents’ reaction. You describe how his parents manipulate him emotionally, with his father crying and his mother withdrawing from you. You also said that when you ask him to stay with you, he refuses, and you fear that he might leave you altogether.

Sister, I would like to ask you something very important.

What makes you think that this man is worthy of being your husband? Why do you believe you should continue in this marriage when he and his family have shown such little regard for your happiness, well-being, and basic rights? Don’t you think you deserve more than this? Don’t you believe you are worthy of having a husband who values you, supports you, and shares your vision of a happy family?

You’ve expressed that you desire a loving family and the blessing of becoming a mother, which is a beautiful and natural aspiration. But looking at everything you have explained, do you honestly believe that this man and his family can fulfill that desire for you?

Think about his actions your shared in your letter: 

He cheated on you during your engagement, and suggested abortion rather than supporting your pregnancies. He prioritizes his family’s manipulation over your needs, while they keep delaying your wedding and are showing little to no kindness or acceptance of you.

Sister, does this sound like the kind of husband and family you would want to commit to for the rest of your life?

I’m asking this because, as I read your message, it’s clear to me that you deserve much more than this, especially since it seems that you have the support of your own family as well.  You’ve even mentioned how understanding, and amazing they are. It seems that they love you and could understand your situation if you shared it with them just like you did with me. I doubt they would force you to remain in a marriage with someone who clearly does not seem to prioritize your well-being.

Now, let me help you reframe this situation.

While what you’re going through may feel like a tragedy, it could also hold hidden blessings. Sometimes, Allah sends us signs or tests us with difficult situations to help us reflect and make better decisions. Losing your pregnancies and experiencing your husband’s neglect and lack of interest may be Allah’s way of urging you to reconsider this marriage before you are even more deeply tied to it.

Sister, I urge you to ask yourself:

• Do I truly want to remain part of this family?
• Am I willing to spend my life in a marriage where I feel neglected, unappreciated, and unsupported?
• Do I want to raise a child in such an environment?

What can you do now?

Make sure that they evaluate the situation as it is, not as you can imagine that could be. Also, the feelings you’ve described—neglect, lack of appreciation, and the pain of unfulfilled desires—are not something you should have to endure in your marriage. Be certain that you deserve better than this, in sha Allah.

If you are struggling with doubts about what you deserve or what a healthy marriage should look like, seek professional counseling or Islamic guidance. This can help you rebuild your confidence and clarify your expectations.

Share your concerns and feelings with your family openly. They love you and are likely to support you through this decision.

Ask Allah for guidance and strength. Remember that Allah only tests us with what we can bear, and He may be redirecting you to something better. Trust that Allah’s plans are always better than what we imagine for ourselves.

Regarding your last question, I’m not a scholar but a counselor, so please write to our scholar for advice on financial decisions.

Sister, I hope this advice helps, and may Allah make your path clear,