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Marital Problems (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
29 August, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Asslamu Alaikum, I suffer in fear that someone can know about my secret plz guide me what should i do i daily read dua and azkaar morning and evening but i feel fear plz help me. I had a relationship with a guy he told lie about everything about himself after that i cut off with him but he was trying to connect with me and said sorry when i came to know he was married and he said give me one chance so i am afraid at that time that his family know about me even his wife and he also tell my family so i again connect with him and we are ready to get marriage but he have not good moral so he again telling lie about every thing so i cut off with him for 6 months ago he try to connect with me by others mobile because i changed my number and many people know about our relationship because he tell every body about our relationship for connect me he also called my sister in law mobile but she disconnected his call she said call is incoming from unknown number but i seen number and i got afraid but 2nd day my sister in law,s mobile damaged so i thanked ALLAH but my she got doubt because got confused at that time if she talked with him on call sure he told about our relationship and say want to talk with me i did repent that never talk with him so i save myself but i am afraid he tell another i am sure he would not tell my male family members bcz he is not brave but if he is in anger he can but he can tell my female family members .I make dua daily he do not blackmail me not i listen someone his message about myself when i talked with him i realized he is afraid from my male family members .What should i do please help me if my sister in law get new mobile he would call again i making dua daily my sister in law not get mobile and ALLAH still helping me i cry in front of ALLAH for my sins but some time i cannot get peace in my heart if my female family members know about me what should i do at that time i cannot bear this plz help me ALLAH help me I pray ALLAH keep secret ameen sum ameen.Thanks.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Unfortunately, it seems you are suffering from the consequences of having engaged in a haram relationship. It might have seemed innocent to begin with, but as you have since found there have been serious repercussions for having engaged in such relations and have seen first hand why Allah forbids such relations.

However, what is done is done now and there is nothing you can do to go back and change it, but you are doing the right thing in beginning by asking for Allah’s forgiveness. This is the best thing you can do right now and be confident that He is listening and will forgive you. Part of the process of repentance is to also make sure that you don’t fall into the same situation again. This can be done by cutting ties with this man as you have and making sure to stick to this. Likewise, do not talk to other men in this way also. If you desire marriage then make sure to go about it in the correct and halal way that will be pleasing to Allah and form the basis of a strong and steady marriage.

Unfortunately, even though you have done all you can to put an end to this and have faced the consequences of your actions, you continue to be haunted by the fact it could get further out of hand if this man contacts your family further.

Try to feel reassured that Allah knows what is in your heart and that you are truly sorry for your deeds so Allah forbids they should find out, find comfort in the fact that Allah, who is the best judge knows you have repented and in sha Allah will forgive you. This is more important than the opinions of others who may judge you for what you have done potentially in a negative way.

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To ease your concern, obviously you can continue to pray that Allah will continue to conceal your sin, but at the same time, you can prepare yourself for the worst case scenario that they find out. Sometimes the best way to deal with such situations is to be completely transparent and honest about it. This can often be the thing that will gain the respect of others during such times. Be prepared to let them know that you made a big mistake, that you have sincerely begged Allah for forgiveness and you have learned from your mistake. Let them know that you didn’t know he was married, that you have done all you can to cut ties with him when you realized that what you were doing was not ok, and he is the one continuing to bother you to this point despite your attempts to cut him out. In sha Allah if they accept what you are saying they will support you in trying to push this man out of your life and hopefully with their support this will work. However, if they choose not to support you, then continue to find solace with Allah that for His sake you have done your best to fix a bad situation and are doing all you can to ensure the same will never happen again. Find comfort in this conversation with Allah regardless of the outcome.

May Allah forgive you and guide you out of these difficult times. May He accept your repentance and guide you to make decisions in the future that will be most pleasing to Him.

Assalomu alaikum I am a Muslim female, and 16. While you may think of me as foolish or immature, I am mature for my age. One thing that has happened to recently was parents had me engaged without my knowledge (they still haven't told me, I found out my self) I believe I may be asexual, and barely have anything to do with desires. I am devout in my religion; I wear niqab ( though it was forced upon me, I do not like to take it off anymore) You see, my parents have always been dominant in my life, making desicions for me even though they rarely know anything about me ( I suffer from depression and other disorders) If I were to marry, I know very well I would be under someone else's charge, my husband would have the right to disallow to me to go out, work, have education and etc ( these things I mentioned are in religion and not cultural) That fact is he has that right, no matter how much you tell me these rights should be used wisely, he can exploit them. I do not care about what people do, they are people, I am more concerned about the laws and rules in a religion. I am a very reserved person, and I rarely go out, but the fact that someone will be controlling me again, and place restrictions one me is very offsetting to me. I am more intrested in education than anything else, and feel more comfortable in concepts and ideas, and not people. I am socially awakard person, and I am often cold and blunt even when I try not be. I do not like cooking, and I know I have a mind of my own, and I will find it difficult to have my life controlled again. I do not want to be a servant or a slave. Though I have always tried to convince myself thats not what Islamic marriage is, the fact I am considered a subordinate who has to obey what the husband says and cannot make my desicions even when I am old enough, and always have to have permission from my parents or husband is extremely disturbing to me. I am not cut out for marriage, I am not love dovy person, I am cold with facts and always remain rational through anything ( I love my parents but they are irrational) I am not a gentle person, so no I am not a 'delicate flower.' I do not want to marry, I want to spent my time studying and learning, not looking after kids or a husband and have too many restrictions placed upon me. Is it permissible for me to avoid marriage altogether? I am a devout Muslim, and I am utterly sure in myself that I would never fornicate (it disgusts to even think about intercourse with anyone) and as I have stated before, I never really feel the need to be with someone or be intimate, I don't even have friends that I talk with because I am increasingly introverted with- I believe with Schizoid Personality Disorder. Would it be alright if I were to live by myself? I know traveling by myself is forbidden for obvious reason, but I want to live alone after I am 18. How can I convince my parents to not be disappointed in me if I choose not to marry ( there are more cultural than religious, they forced me into niqab out of peer pressure) our culture is this barbaric; to sum it up, the girl in a servant to the in-laws. And one thing do I have to have their permission to live alone after I am an adult? Is it permissible to never marry?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is completely understandable why you feel the way you do towards marriage when it seems you parents have organized an engagement for you without your involvement at all. This takes all power away from you in a matter you don’t even feel concerned yet. There is no wonder why you have little desire to get married when it all seems to be out of your control. Your fear that you will then go on to marry a man that will exert the exact same control over you as your parents are now understandably completely puts you off the idea of getting married in the first place. Not many people like being forced into something against their will, especially when it is something that does not give you a single element of control.

This is not how marriage should be so please don’t be put off by the actions of your parents. Whilst they might feel like they are acting in your best interests as indeed marriage can be a brilliant thing if practiced in the way of Islam, it is not right for them to force you into something that you are not happy or comfortable with. Unfortunately, it seems that they are not aware of how this is affecting your thoughts about marriage. Certainly, they are your parents and you should respect them so even if just to maintain this respect do also try to at least place some consideration for marriage by looking at it from the Islamic perspective and identifying the beauty in it also. Islamically it is recommended to marry young and it may be that your parents are simply trying to protect you from the zina that many girls of your age engage in. Marriage is a way to protect from this. On this point, do also remember that it is entirely possible to study whilst married. It is possible that a husband could prevent you from studying, but since you aren’t actually married yet, it is possible to make sure that your potential spouse is aware of your desire to study right from the start and if necessary you can make this a part of your contract of agreement to marriage. This gives you the control that you feel that you might lose by getting married. It is unfortunate that culture can have an impact on such aspects of a woman’s life, but it doesn’t have to. If these things are made clear from the start you can feel confident that you will still retain the element of freedom that you desire that is to study and learn.

However, you make it very clear that marriage is not on the agenda for you right now,  and in fact, you feel that you would never like to get married and sure whilst it is encouraged to marry young, you don’t have to and you don’t have to be forced to either. You should not feel under any pressure to marry anyone against your will. You are 16 and still have many years ahead of you in sha Allah. Allah is the Turner of hearts and it may be that in some years time you do feel ready to get married so try not to close your mind to the prospect of potentially getting married in the future, but instead focus on what’s happening now, and if you don’t feel ready to marry now then you don’t have to.

Regarding whether it is permissible to live alone at 18 if you are not married and if it’s possible to not marry at all, I would advise you to seek a scholarly opinion on this to get the best and most accurate answer. But, as I said,  you are 16 right now and clearly not ready for marriage,  so it is advisable to focus on the present right now rather than worrying about the future as this worry might consume you and distract you from present issues. Allah may change your heart in the future, so for now just focus on your feelings right now. This might involve speaking to your parents about the situation if you are comfortable to do so. Let them know that perhaps you will consider marriage and their proposal in the future,  but right now you do not feel ready. Let them know that you understand why they might be trying to get you married this young and you appreciate their concern for you. Perhaps reassure them that you will consider marriage in the future, but right now don’t feel you are cut out to be a good wife and wouldn’t want to be a disappointment to them or a potential spouse and perhaps you need time to learn more about marriage. This might help to reassure them that perhaps you will consider it in the future as well as making it clear that right now you genuinely aren’t ready. This way you will be respecting them whilst still conveying your message to them.

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May Allah make it easy for you and keep you on the straight path. May He place happiness and contentment between you and your parents.

Asslam-o-Alaikum. I need some guidance in a matter. The thing is my husband and I are only living together because of our kids. We don't have any relationship left between us. We barely even talk. And when we do it is only about matters of kids. We dont want to be together that's for sure. My question to you is that what is the status of such a marriage in Islam? Are we even allowed to continue to live together like that? Kindly guide me on this. And please don't publish my question with my name. WASSALAM.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is a heartbreaking situation for both husband, wife, and children when a marriage does not seem to be working out. Alhamdulillah,  that even though things have gone sour you still at least communicating amicably for the sake of the children. However, aside from this, the situation is far from ideal. It is permissible to live like this since no divorce has been issued, but the life you are living is not what married life should look like.

Firstly, it’s not healthy for the kids to see that this is what marriage is. Ask yourself if you would like to see them in a marriage like this when they’re older? Probably not. But, living the way you are teaches them that that is what marriage should be.Sure, it’s best to be raised in a 2 parent household, but if you’re not happy then this can’t be good for kids, as they will see marriage as a negative thing and will either prefer not to marry at all, or expect very little from marriage and get no satisfaction. Additionally, you’re not having your marital needs met and neither is your husband by living in this way. Whilst you say there is no relationship between you may be tempted to commit what would be classed as zina as you are still technically married.

However, in Islam, marriage is a highly protected relationship and we are encouraged to do all we can to save it before carrying ways. It is therefore advisable that the first step you take is to seek counseling to see if you can make it work before taking any more drastic steps. The fact is, you might just need to ignite the spark again. You seem to at least get on, even if the only topic of conversation is the kids.  Remember why you fell in love at first. Ask someone to take care of kids one night and talk it out. Continue this conversation with a counselor together,  or with the local imam who will be able to support you from an Islamic perspective.

If all this fails and you end up parting ways, ensure that you have the support of live ones to successfully get you through what will be a big life change, especially for the children. Make them feel as comfortable as possible and be sure to let them know it’s not their fault as many children fear when parental divorce occurs. At least if you and your husband are still able to discuss matters pertaining to the children then this part of the transition can be kept as smooth as possible.

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In the mean time,  pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision about how to move forward. Find comfort knowing that you are doing the best thing for everyone, guided by Allah

May Allah make things easy for you and guide you to move forward in the way that is most pleasing to Him and will bring happiness and contentment to you all.

Assalamalaikum, I am aamayna aged about 36 years, married a man of age more than 15 years to me in 2008 and lasted till April 2017 as my husband expired due to stroke. Prior to our marriage we met professionally, as I used to lookafter his business matters, help him financially and lookafter everything of his business with committment and loyalty. He assured me a beautiful life with him by swearing on Holy Quran, hadith convinced me with his spiritual conversations. Initially my family was not happy with the proposal and i convinced them for the marriage. As we both were working,we used to stay separately in different cities in weekdays and used to meet in the weekends or during holidays at our home.(rented commonly).I have given space,liberty to him. Never doubted and questioned him on his income and expenditure.As I was working never burdened him for my financial expenses. I felt that he is matured than me in age and experience so I was assuming what ever he'll do will be beneficial for our future. I came to know in 2014 that My husband was already married with 5 chidren which he concealed when he proposed and married, he justied his fault by saying that he was not happy with his first wife (his wife and daughter booked him u/s 354 IPC act)and he don't want to loose me so he lied. I decided to take qula but again he convinced me in the light of holy Quran, hadith and promised a better life in future.As 6 years already passed and due to social and family pressure I agreed to continue the relationship and trusted again.he promised that he will set right the things at his end within 1 year. After few months when he was hospitalized I was shocked to know that he was staying with his family all these years, and he did not disclose about his second marriage to anyone i.e his parents, friends.he kept me as a secret. It was so embrassing and humiliating for me after giving 8 years of life been helping financially, emotionally,personally, physically to a person who pretentended to be like husband. My life shattered with his demise as I loved him so much.during life time I fulfilled the duty of wife. I believed in allah so he convinced me in the name of Allah,Quran,hadith. Did I committed mistake by believing him in the name of Allah. At present my family,friends everyone is blaming me for the fault, as I believed his fault promises in the name of allah. My conscience is questioning me √ believing the promises made in the name of allah,Quran, hadith Or √worldly materialistic evidences Which is better. Did I committed mistake? On the day of judgement l'll be held responsible for my blind belief on Allah. Plz kindly answer my query



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

This certainly is a very difficult situation that you have faced. After having been married for many years you found out that your husband what an entirely secret other life,  married with kids and that his family never knew about you. The circumstances of your living arrangements meant that you were completely unaware of all this, and as a good wife, upon hearing the devastating news you trusted that he would fix things. Unfortunately, he never did and has since returned to Allah. Inna lilahi wa inna illayhi rajioon. Now you are facing the devastation of not dealing with the fact that he betrayed you for many years, but are now are also grieving his death also.

Firstly, take things easy on yourself. You have been through a tough time and are mourning the loss of your husband also. It is important during this time to take good care o yourself and find solace in the remembrance of Allah.  Spend time with loved ones who will be able to support you through this difficult time. Take some time to also do things that you enjoy to key our mind occupied and away from emotionally punishing yourself. Try taking up a new hobby also or learn something new. Focus on achieving some positive things. You gave 8 years of your life to support your marriage, now use this time to focus on yourself.

To calm your anxieties regarding your concerns about how Allah will question you, there are a few important things to remember. Allah is the ultimate judge. Allah will not judge you for what you didn’t know. As a good wife, you trusted your husband. Especially since he promised by an oath on Allah, astaghfirullah. In this case, you did nothing wrong. It is your husband that will be judged for swearing by Allah on a lie. You did as any good Allah fearing wife would and trusted his words for the sake of Allah. It is unfortunate that others are placing any blame on you, especially when you are going through so much already, but again, remember Allah is the only judge in this matter and their perspective will not be relevant when it matters the most. Instead,  focus on pleasing Allah and not others.

However, your husband is now gone and he can’t rectify his mistakes, so it is advised to try and forgive him and ask Allah for his forgiveness as you would hope for too. This will help to soften your heart to the wrong she did to you as well as ease your anxieties regarding how you will be questioned about the situation also. This will take time to overcome as grieving does naturally, but with patience and faith in Allah you will pull through successfully.

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May Allah bring you ease during these testing times and may you find comfort in His remembrance.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

This is indeed a difficult situation to be in. You and your child are apart from your husband due to problems with his parents, but now, understandably you are missing him dearly, but his father seems to be standing in the way of this happening.

Naturally, it is best for the father and mother to be together for a number of reasons; firstly as a protection for one another as described in the Qur’an. This is a type of protection that cannot be fully obtained by living apart. Also, for your daughter, it is the most ideal to have her father around for the purposes of building bonds and giving you support as well as giving her a sense of security.

However,  at the same time, with your father in law seemingly placing potential restrictions on this it may prove difficult to move forward. Obviously, in line with Islamic principles, it’s not advisable to just cut ties with his father and disregard his opinion entirely, but on the other hand, he is standing in the way of your families happiness. It is therefore important that you approach this situation carefully in order to uphold family toes and not upset his father, whilst also striving to reunite your family.

Given that there are underlying circumstances that led to this situation arising in the first place,  it might be advisable to address these issues first. In which case you and your husband could approach them together and sit calmly to discuss the matter. Of there’s any chance it might get heated, it might be best to make sure to arrange a date in advance so that it doesn’t come as a nasty surprise to them. It is also advisable to invite a neutral party who you can all trust, such as your local imam to be present at this meeting. He will be able to observe things from a neutral perspective and advise accordingly, whilst keeping in line with Islamic principles.

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Any conversation that you have with them remember to remain calm without using harsh words and they will be more likely to hear what you have to say and react with softer hearts. Let them know how it is affecting your life as well as their grandchild.  Let them understand the situation from your perspective. If they speak harshly with you, again, try to remain calm and respond calmly. This can also help to calm their arousal levels also. Even if you feel that they are wrong to do your best to treat them with respect as you would your own parents. It may well be that unless they are being completely unreasonable that you agree to disagree and allow them to feel like they are to the right if this means that they will back off and allow your family to be together again. It may feel like this is in just,  but remember that Allah is the ultimate judge and will judge their actions accordingly so you can feel more content that ultimately His judgment will prevail and this will save you potentially getting into a heated argument that may lead to even worse circumstances. Once you have overcome this stage you can gently work in rebuilding positive relations with them again.

Continue to pray for them; that Allah will soften their hearts and that you will be reunited with your family again. This will also serve as a means to soften your own heart towards them also allowing you to approach them respectfully and calmly, and more likely to yield positive results for all.

May Allah soften all of your hearts to one another and promote happiness and contentment between all parties. May He reunite you and your husband once more in love and happiness.

Assalamu alaikum, I have been with this person for nearly 2 years. I met him on social media (please do not judge). We kept talking as friends until we began to have feelings for one and another. We have always had religion in mind so after a year we decided to inform our parents. We did, they agreed which was Alhamduliah great. The rules were not dating or seeing each other which was fine. I am not stressing and feeling anxious that it might not be written by Allah. So far, it's been positive. I am so determined to marry this person at the appropriate age. He cannot pray the istikhara prayer yet as he had an operation and needs to recover. In the mean time, I am feeling so depressed. I feel guilty I am a practicing Muslim. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am very realistic and understandable I just want to support and take one and another to paradise (Insh'Allah). My family members and also his are saying remain positive. But I just want this to work and happen. I haven't had the greatest upbringing and finally, I am happy. I just want it to work so badly. It's upsetting and I need advice. I do apologize for the long paragraph.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Masha Allah, you are seeking to marry a spouse and things seem to be going to plan, however, you do have concerns about whether it will work out.

As I am sure you aware, without passing judgment as a human being, but reminding you of Allah’s rules, contact between a man and woman, without your mahram present is not permissible as Shaytaan can interfere and create feelings between the 2 parties as you have experienced first hand. This includes contact online, as much as face to face and as I’m sure you can appreciate can potentially have devastating consequences. Understand that Allah create such boundaries for a reason, for our protection and we should trust the wisdom in this and abide by this in order to please Him.

However, you have done the right thing in consulting both families and seeking their support and have set strict and halal rules of no dating or seeing each other and for the sake of pleasing Allah it is highly advisable that you abide by these rules, extending this to online contact also, save when your mahram is present until you are able to get married. This is not only for the purpose of obeying Allah and pleasing Him and guiding you to Jannah, but also, if you truly care for this man and desire Jannah for him also, then for his sake, you will also avoid haram contact at this point. Having your families support at this point will be a huge assistance in helping you to stick to these rules and forward in a more acceptable way.

You have also done the right thing in making istikhara to be sure if what you are doing is the right thing. Be assured that if Allah says it is not to be that He will put obstacles in the way of the marriage moving forward and you should be content with this decision that He has better plans for you, as difficult as that may be to accept now after 2 years of seeing each other. But, also understand that this may be for the best also given the circumstances under which you have started your relationship. Continue to pray istikhara and trust that Allah will make happen what is meant to be and will guide you on this path. Accept that this path is what is best for you; whether it is to marry him or not.

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Another thing you should also do is ask for Allah’s forgiveness. The circumstances under which you have developed feelings for one another are not ok from an Islamic perspective and therefore it is important to repent of such sins. Allah loves to forgive and answer the prayers of those who call upon Him. Part of repenting will also include ensuring that you don’t fall into the same sin again which is done by abstaining from any haram contact with this man whilst you are not married.

Asking for forgiveness and developing a trust of Allah by continuing to pray istikhara will help to ease your anxieties around the whole issue also as your connection with Allah will help to relax your concerns about things working out as you will find contentment with whatever He has decreed for you.

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes and bring you happiness in this life and the next.