Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is understandable why this is causing you such distress as it seems that this was what lead to difficulties and ultimately divorce in your first marriage. This is only adding to your anxieties and make the situation even more difficult to overcome.

 

As with anything that causes anxiety, the more you think about it and stress about it the more difficult that thing becomes and the even more anxiety provoking it becomes. In this scenario, in particular, being calm and relaxed is vital in moving forward. This might be easier said than done so there a few steps you can take to try and make this process easier and more successful.

 

Firstly, ask yourself if there is a particular reason why you are feeling these anxieties? Have you had a traumatic experience before, such as abuse? If so, you should seek counselling to deal with these issues or they may continue to be that which will prevent you from moving on in the future.

 

Have you experienced pain as a result of intimacy before? Was there an obvious cause for this? If it is something that you can do something about yourself then focus on this in moving forward in your current situation. If there was no obvious cause, go and see a female doctor to discuss the issue as it is possible that you could have one of the disorders that cause discomfort in intimacy. If this is the case then you will be able to get medical advice and assistance in dealing with the issue from this perspective.

 

Otherwise, as is more often the case it is usually a result of heightened tension and stress that has been developed in association with an intimacy that leads to this phobia and constant fear. There are 2 common ways to approach such situations, both being quite extremely different in their approach.

 

The first is to just cast all the anxieties aside and do it without thinking or preparing. Whilst this is not always the recommended approach sometimes it is necessary and the person who takes this approach comes to wonder why the wasted so much time worrying about something that wasn’t that bad or painful after all. This approach requires no preparation but of course, comes at the risk that the lack of preparation will backfire and cause more trauma.

 

The other approach,  that is perhaps wiser in this scenario is to take it easier and prepare. Make positive associations with an intimacy that will take away the fear that you currently have and replace it with other things. For example, arrange a date night, go somewhere nice, do something that you both enjoy. Have fun, laugh together. Light candles that smell nice and eat food that you like to eat. These things will help to make you feel more relaxed and allow things to happen without placing any pressure on you. Don’t make it a must that intimacy must happen at this time as this will add to the pressure and instead make it a regular thing where it will just happen naturally when you are ready. The positive experiences that are happening alongside this will develop a positive association with intimacy in your mind and make it easier for intimacy to occur again and again without fear.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and bless your marriage with happiness.