As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand your situation sister you are wondering how to deal with certain people who are toxic. In your case, the issue is regarding your relatives. As they are your relatives, it makes the situation more sensitive.

Dealing with Toxic Relatives

Sister you stated that your relatives say mean things to you, and they don’t respect you. For these reasons you find it hard to be patient, you become angry, and you really do not wish to see them. This is understandable. I am sure that it hurts you very much when your relatives are mean to you. In this life we seek our family for comfort and solace. We don’t expect them to be cruel to us or be disrespectful. However, in a lot of families this type of behavior does occur, sadly.

Practicing versus Non-Practicing

According to you, the concerns and issues between you and your relatives surround the fact that you are a practicing Muslim and they are not. You stated they are afraid of Islam. I am not sure we what you mean by that, however perhaps you mean that they do not wish to practice because it may be too difficult for them to give up things that they’ll enjoy which are harmful. Perhaps they feel guilty. Sister you stated that you are a practicing Muslim. If you are a practicing Muslim, then you should not get angry when they say something or do something that offends you. It hurts you of course, and as human this may be a first reaction.

Illustrating Islam

However, the best way to reach your family, and show them that Islam is a beautiful religion to be practiced, is by being an example. If we look at our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PHUB), we can see how he dealt with situations such as yours. He dealt with mercy. I would kindly suggest insha’Allah, that you read further on the life of our prophet (PBUH). By reading about his trials and tribulations and how he handled things, you may gain more insight and comfort. This may help you in dealing with your own family. It may help you to learn to be more patience. Insha’Allah, it will also help you understand and deal with your anger. As Muslims we are to be slow to anger, especially with our family members.

Dealing with Anger and Hurt

If you can learn to understand and control your anger insha’Allah, and express what is really going on, such as feeling hurt by their disrespect and the they treat you, you may find some common ground with them. If instead of getting angry and expressing anger, you say “What you stated really hurt me” perhaps after awhile your relatives may begin to understand how their negative ways of treating you hurts. Insha’Allah they will begin to understand and change.

Conditions of a People

Regarding oppression, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change themselves. In your situation it may mean that you will have to address your anger issues. Sister it is understandable that you are angry. You are angry because you are hurt. However, once you realize that by getting angry it is only perpetuating the distance and poor behavior of your relatives, you will insha’Allah, choose different responses.

Conclusion

Sister, please do read more about the life of our prophet (PBUH), try to deal with your family without reactionary emotions such as anger, and insha’Allah, try to view their being mean and disrespectful as a symptom of their own inadequacies not yours.  Try to limit time with them if possible until you are able to sort out your feelings and react in a way that will not feed into their negativity. Be the example they need to see. When visiting them, insha’Allah try to display Islamic qualities and adab. Overtime insha’Allah, you may be surprised to see they may begin to change.  Perhaps they will become curious as to why their harshness is no longer affecting you. They will see your nour insha’Allah, and their negativity silenced by it. We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.