Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the live session with your questions.

Here are the 8 questions our counselor provided answers for.

If you do not find yours below, please check back for our upcoming live session or submit your question again. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. I Have a Phobia of Elder Siblings; I Need Advice

Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh…. I am trying to get married and my mother is finding a girl for me. I had past experiences where got engaged with a girl and her elder siblings were kind of dominating to me. Since then, I have developed phobia of elder siblings. Also, my own elder brother has betrayed us. (Got married and broke of every connection from our family). This time I have told my mother that please find me a girl who is eldest in the house. I wanted to know Am I wrong to search a girl by this Criteria. Does Islam give me a permission to find a girl with the above said criteria?

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Question 2. Hidden Second Marriage: My Family Wants Me to Leave Him

My husband and I have been married for 30 years we have 4 adult children. I have just found out that he has been secretly married for several years and has 3 children from his second wife. He claims that he still wants me to remain as his wife and that he loves me very much. My adult children are not happy with me staying married to him they feel he has been dishonest and that I cannot trust him. They want me to leave him. I know that family and friends will find this uncomfortable and want to convince me to leave. However, I do love him…and I do not want to be a divorcee for the rest of my life. What would you advise?

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Question 3. I Don’t Find Him Attractive; Should I Divorce?

Salam,
Just a quick family background. My mum and dad have separated, they’ve not had a great relationship. My dad’s family would always hate on my mum and look down on her and wait for her failures. Due to that fact my mums been very self-conscious and strict.

She’s not “forced” me into marriage but whenever I’d say, “no” or “I’m not ready” she’d say that you’re getting old or why are you rejecting them like you’re so pretty etc. So finally, I became so sick of these back-and-forth comments that when she tried to get me to marry this guy (from abroad) I gave in. Never met him but spoke virtually and said yes because my mum felt very positive about them and she seemed the happiest she has ever been. Now 7months after the nikkah, I really don’t like him even now, I’ve tried my best to, and also met him but I don’t feel that attraction. He’s been very nice and what not. But I just do not like him! And now I regret giving up on myself so easily.

I’m at the point where I’ve got my nikkah done but do not find him attractive so I feel like I should ask for a divorce before getting more committed?
Please I need some advice.
Jazakallah

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Question 4. Husband Is Cheating Online & Denies It; Please Help!

I caught my husband cheating on me while being naked with another women on video calls. Can you please help me I don’t know what to do people are telling me to save my marriage life but how can I not give him divorced while his still doing that things the he shouldn’t do I have caught him on video calls naked with another women as his saying I’m lying and his not admitting his making me look like a fault in front of people and I can see that his being doing it still what can I do about this.

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Question 5. How Do I Forgive to Extended Family for the Past?

Thank you so much for this website, the articles have always been extremely helpful.

To start with I am a convert to Islam and one of the major things I struggle with is that I find it extremely hard to forgive extended family for things that have happened in the past, and I feel like I am continuously held back because of these people.

My Mum and Father split up when I was around 2 years old, and my Mum moved back home with her parents and youngest brother.
I grew up in a non-practicing Christian household where family was seen as everything and strangers were viewed with distrust/suspicion.
I was incredibly close to my Nan, and cared for her until she passed away, however Mum had an extremely difficult time and was treated practically like a slave (called lazy, not allowed to have friends etc.) Mums siblings were jealous of the fact that she and lived with my Grandparents. My Father chose to have nothing to do with me and growing up Mums youngest uncle fulfilled the role of a Dad for me, and when I was 7 Mums oldest brother came to live with us.

Mums youngest sibling and only sister was the worst, she was incredibly jealous of my bond with Nan. She went psychotic in the car one day when I was around 17 and I went through a period of bulimia and self-harming because of it.

Mum’s siblings all think she had it easy when she lived at home, however she paid her own way the entire time she was there, unlike my uncles, and she also paid to have a 2-bedroom unit built out of her own money that she never used and she never got reimbursed for, she was only on a single parent wage and received no support from my Father.

When I was 14 Nan, mum, myself and my oldest uncle lived in a place in town, my aunt moved next door with my cousin and my youngest uncle and Grandfather stayed in the country. My Grandfather had given my aunt and my youngest uncle a house each but gave nothing to his other children. Mum went halves with Nan in everything and my uncle only paid $50 per week, (my uncle has a drinking problem and his marriage broke up because of this.)

Nan passed away when I was 20 and she made my Mum promise to take care of my uncle. After Nan passed away, I wanted to move to study teaching at university. Mum wouldn’t support my moving away from home, because she didn’t want to lose me and she wouldn’t move in case my Grandfather kicked my uncle out. I think that is when I became depressed and felt like I didn’t matter.

Mum has always been incredibly jumpy and low in confidence, largely because she was continuously put down by so called family and never allowed to be her own person. She has also always been incredibly anxious.

After it happened Mum would not walk into that part of the house, I had to sleep with her, I couldn’t go out with friends because I couldn’t leave her in the house by herself, she would come to uni with me. This all had a massive impact on me and meant I shut down even more, couldn’t maintain friendships, couldn’t confide in anyone, and struggled to complete uni.
Before he had passed away my Grandfather had removed any support that Nan had given, my oldest uncle refused to pay more than $50 a week and begrudged even paying that.

Mum sold the house and we had to rent because she couldn’t afford to buy a 3-bedroom place, and still had my uncle living with us. One day my uncle was really drunk, grabbed mum that hard he left a bruise and went and stayed at another aunt and uncles, he was back at our place pretty fast the next day because they didn’t want him living with them.

I couldn’t get work, struggled at uni and had no one to turn too, all my mum’s family would say is “oh she is still studying” they made me feel absolutely worthless.

I finally graduated from uni with my BA and, Alhamdulillah, I am lucky to be in a good job now.

I had saved up enough to buy a 3-bedroom home for myself which I did and Mum and my oldest uncle moved in with me.
When we were renting Mum had put my uncles board up so we each paid a 3rd of the rent when we moved she put it down without consulting me first even though it’s my home.
Please don’t misunderstand me I don’t mind either of them living with me but I feel like Mums family robbed her of the chance to have her own place and now they are robbing me of the same chance.
I don’t feel comfortable practicing Islam in front of them, my uncle still drinks excessively and can be argumentative with it, Mum is incredibly clingy to me still and I can’t go anywhere without her on the weekends, if I get in the car and go for a drive by myself she hits the roof.

I feel myself becoming more and more hopeless, I have chronic eczema because mi so stressed. I can’t talk any of this over with Mum because she doesn’t get it. Her attitude is that it’s the past which I get but it affected me, and I feel in some ways she still puts her siblings before me. And I know that Mum has never had the chance to be her own person so I feel compelled to give her that chance

I have made friends with a Muslim couple who are great but I can’t go to the mosque with them on weekends or to other place because of how mum is, and I can’t ask her to come along because I fear she will be unintentionally racist, she doesn’t like what she doesn’t know and it’s hard for her to see outside her family still though she is getting better at that.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t begrudge them living with me, of course id take care of them, Mum especially but I’m a 35 yrs old woman I’d like to be able to go out, meet people. Socialize, settle down and have a family and atm I don’t see how I can do that.

Whilst this is all happening, I also started talking to my Father who has massive issues of his own. Whilst I’m good friends with my half-sister now my half-brother is on drugs. I pity my half-brother but I don’t want someone on drugs knowing my address and my Father wouldn’t care about that. So, I have limited my contact with my Father because of this. Is this ok? I know we are meant to respect our parents but we are also meant to keep ourselves safe.
How can I help Mum to not lean so much on me?
I also feel sorry for my uncle because he has been enabled his entire life.

How do I forgive mum’s siblings? I really struggle with how they treated us.
Thank you so much for your time and apologies this is so long.

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Question 6. Having Nightmares & Fears of Death; What to Do?

It’s been few weeks I’ve been experiencing some problems at night like yesterday I was about to sleep and I just got an imagination of my sister being awake while in reality she was asleep and my body was week I was asking her to pull me up but she was not hearing me. I started reciting dua and suddenly woke up and my sister was fast asleep my body was hurting I thought I was dying I felt very weak I couldn’t do anything and right now it’s night I can’t sleep because I’m in fear and also I hear a lot about death nowadays I don’t know what’s wrong with me can you please help me.

I am trying to get back on track of praying and clearing my sins as a teenage a lot happened and I regret it and right now I’m suffering from fear of death.

Thank you allah barik

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Question 7. Struggling with Addiction; Please Help!

Hello aslamalikum please help me 🥺🥺I am addicted to watch pornography and masturbation I really wanted end this could u please help me 🥺🥺

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Question 8. Transcendent Experiences & How to Deal with Them

Whenever I have questions related to Islam, mental health, family or just life in general, I can always find an answer that calms my heart but there are some questions that I would badly want an explanation for and I am eager to get an answer but I don’t think anyone will understand.
So, a few years back something mysterious happened to me that keeps tugging my mind. I even thought my family would have answers because they were present during that time. So, when I was studying in school, in 9th grade, I had a very strange experience and I carry the belief that everything happens for a reason & even though we may not always have the answers- after what happened, I’m too curious to know what it could mean and whether Allah was trying you give me signs and whether the signs were only related to my past or if those signs could still be something that could benefit me today.

So, this happened more than 5 years ago. It was my first day of school, and I remember that I felt as though I had died and that my mother tried to wake me up for school. Then, I could still not wake up, my mother took me for a bath perhaps, and I don’t remember the water touching my body but I remember being undressed and being placed in the bathtub. I felt as if my soul was able to see what’s happening to my body which is something that the dead is said to experience. I could hear my brother asking my mother several times whether I had died. My mother put me in my school dress and I was taken to the car. When I reached the school, we waited for a while. My brother was still asking my mother if I was dead and she replied that I was still alive I was just sleeping. When I woke up my brother quickly informed my mother excitedly and without any explanation about what was happening to me, they told me to get down the car and enter my school.

I felt distraught so before leaving I lashed out at my brother and said that he doesn’t care about me. So, you see, the thing is Allah has blessed me with a good memory. Also, this was a difficult year for me as I felt neglected, abandoned and isolated by every single person around me including friends, family and teachers. Nothing in my life made sense and all I ever wanted was to be accepted by those around me. Also, it’s important to note that whenever I ask my brother and mother about it they look like they’re hiding something from me but I don’t know why and it’s very disturbing so I stopped questioning them.

This year, I failed all my exams even though I was an excellent student Alhamdulillah. Life was against me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t achieve my goals. The more I tried the further back I went. I was also ashamed of myself, my behavior and my entire existence felt like a living nightmare. I had teachers laugh at me for my strange behavior and actions which made me even more depressed and restless. I even tried to run away from home and from school. Some of my teachers were also abusive towards me verbally and physically.

I tried to be patient and still respected them but I just couldn’t understand the reason behind it all. I also had suicidal thoughts and the desire to self-harm. I had depression and family problems. And I had no friends at all- not even 1 friend. Life kept going downhill with no end in sight. So at the end of the school year, I had a very nice dream that filled me with peace. I dreamt of my teacher, we were both in an empty classroom, the door was open with a little light coming from outside- we were both standing facing each other and we both looked the same except that we happened to have nicer features and looked more surreal but it was my most vivid dream. My teacher was smiling at me and he looked happy, we wore nicer clothes and I looked a bit taller and wore a long dress too and I was blushing. We both wore clothes similar to what we usually wear but they looked nicer. I felt as though he had deep love for me and that I also loved him very much. It was calm and quiet and we said nothing. But I don’t think I have a future with this person because he’s taken and that’s okay, I accept it and what makes me happy is to see others happy.

Please could you give me advice on this matter. I’m not asking for any dream interpretation. Just general advice as to what I could do to benefit from my experiences and whether there have been people in similar situations like me and how they dealt with it.

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