Question 1

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,


Alhamdulilah that you have found a pious Allah fearing man to marry. This is the most important characteristic one should speak in a spouse as  it paves the way to good relations in all realms of a marriage. However, unfortunately in this case your parents still refuse to accept him which makes the situation difficult for you. It is particularly unfortunate that the reason they don’t seem to agree to him is matters such as his size and race.


This is not part of Islam. We should not judge people on such characteristics or make it a reason to not even consider a proposal. Alhamdulilah that his own family supports a marriage between you, but until your own family also accept him, there will still be some element of difficulty for you.


Of course as your parents, you should respect them and obey them. However, when they are advising you against Islamic values then you are not obliged to. This scenario could be argued to be one of these scenarios. However, it is also wise to be cautious of the consequences of disobeying them, even in a matter that is against Islam.


To make things easier for you to begin with in approaching the topic with them, try and see things from their perspective. Even if you don’t agree with their thoughts, if you can try and see things from their perspective then you will be better placed to discuss difficulties matters with them on a level that they can understand more. Furthermore, it let’s them know that you have considered their own feelings too in moving forward.


Let them know that you understand their concern, that you understand that they only want what’s best for you, that as your parents you trust that they want you to marry someone who will be good for you. But, also remind them that the most important trait of a spouse if that of piety and present them with the Islamic evidence to support this. If necessary, you might even ask a third party, especially someone of knowledge to enlighten them on this. This way, the points that you make will be more validated and perhaps they would be more likely to at least consider the situation.


Perhaps you might even consider trying to arrange some kind of meeting between the 2 families so that they can get to know his own family too. This way they will be given the chance to see beyond the colour of his skin and other physical characteristics. This might soften their hearts towards him, even if it is through development of positive relationships with his family.


In the mean time make sure to keep relations with the guy halal as you decide what to do. Consider your options thoroughly and the benefits and weaknesses of each choice. Do you go ahead and marry him and be happy marrying the man you want, but cause upset with your family? Or, do you forget this marriage altogether for the sake of maintaining bonds with your family.


Think carefully about this and take the matter to Allah with istikhara and in sha Allah He will make the correct path easy for you. If the marriage is meant to be then in sha Allah in time your family will accept it. If the marriage is not meant to be then Allah will turn your heart from it and replace it with something better in the form of a spouse who is even more suited to you. When you place your trust in Allah, then whatever the outcome you will be please as it is what Allah has ordained for you and what is best for you.


If it works out that you will go ahead and marry this man, then make sure that you are strong and have support to deal with the potential backlash from your family. Continue to try and keep contact with them and in sha Allah their hearts will turn in acceptance in time. This may take a while and will require patience from you. Likewise, if you choose to end the chance to marry him, keep yourself occupied with things that will make the process of moving on easier. Spend time with friends and keep busy in your usual tasks. Try to give yourself a chance to overcome any feelings you had towards him as you seek to marry another at some point in the future.


May Allah guide you to make the best choice and make your situation easy. May He grant you a spouse that will bring you happiness in this life and the next



Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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