As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. You stated that you committed some very serious sins in the past (as we all have). Sister, I can hear your regret, your remorse, fear as well as your deep sadness in your question. It is obvious that you are very sorry and do want to repent.

 

Sister when we repent to Allah, we pray and ask him to forgive us for a sin we committed. When asking for repentance and forgiveness we need to ensure we are true, sincerely sorry for the sin we committed. We also need to be sure we are determined not to commit that sin again. We also need to be aware to keep away from things that will lead us to that sin. That is one of the key things of repentance, otherwise, we would just keep sinning doing the same old sin over and over and asking for forgiveness. Doesn’t work that way. True sincerity and a resolution to never commit the sin again are vital. It is also recommended to repent after salat.

 

Allah loves to forgive and Allah is so merciful sister. The only thing that Allah does not forgive is shirk at the time of death. In the Qur’an, it states,

 

“And most surely I am most Forgiving to him who repents and believes and does good, then continues to follow the right direction.” (Qur’an, 20:82)

 

and

 

“Say: O my servants! who have acted extravagantly against their own souls, do not despair of the mercy of Allah; surely Allah forgives the faults altogether; surely He is the Forgiving the Merciful.”(Qur’an 39:53).

 

Sister, regarding your question of whether or not you are still a virgin, technically if you have not had sex vaginally you are a virgin. This is a confusing topic I know because there are many different versions, however, this is the most commonly accepted version. In some cultures girls and women will do all sorts of haram things such as anal sex, oral sex, touching private parts, etc to release the tension of sexual desires and yet still preserve their virginity, meaning no vaginal sex. All of this is haram as any sexual behavior belongs in a marital relationship, with the exception of anal sex which is forbidden.

 

You asked how can you live with the guilt. Sister, by repenting you are asking Allah to forgive you which means you need to let it go. If we pray to Allah for forgiveness and repent we can’t hang on to our sin. Yes, we must remember not to fall into the same sin. That’s our promise and that’s wisdom. However,r we have to erase it from our mind and stop obsessing over it because that is not healthy. In addition to not being healthy,y it is also doubting Allah’s Mercy and forgiveness. While it’s human nature to feel guilty about something we’ve done, we have to also trust in Allah that he has forgiven us. When we repent it’s like starting over. Instead of continuing to feel guilt, try to replace it with feelings of thankfulness and joy that Allah loves you so much and is so merciful that you are forgiven.

 

You should not talk about your past sins that you repented for, you should not tell a potential husband or spouse or anybody for that matter. Allah has covered your sins when you repented and you should too. Look to the light-to your Beloved…you stated that you committed these very serious sexual acts that are haram and here you, are deeply regretting all of these actions. You feel deep regret and remorse and this is drawing you closer to Allah. It’s instilled in you a deep desire to learn about Islam, how to pray, how to repent, as well as becoming a better Muslim. This is the one of the gifts of repentance. What was horrendous, has turned into a beautiful light that has brought you closer to Allah.

 

Sister, I would kindly suggest that once you repent to Allah that you let go of these thoughts about your sins. Trust Allah swt has forgiven you and move on with your life. Do not discuss them with anybody for any reason. I would also kindly suggest insha’Allah, that you start going to the Masjid for prayers, attend Islamic events, start to meet Muslim sister and develop friendships. Insha’Allah, start taking Islamic classes to increase your knowledge. You can teach yourself to pray by going to this link here (2). There are 7 video’s. Or you can ask a sister at the Masjid to teach you. Start reading Qur’an, and learn how to do dhkir, which is a remembrance of Allah.

 

What started out as something devastating and sinful, has turned into something that has led you back to the path of Islam. Welcome home-We wish you the best.