Friends, Marriage, Studies (Counseling Session on Youth Issues)

Question 1

I just found out recently that my mom is cheating on my dad through her phone while she was sleeping i just wanted to take a picture of my new phone and i found out that my mom had an another man i read some of the messages and i just can’t stop crying im just thinking right now to murder the man, but I don’t know if this would fix the mental problems that i have right now. Please help me im begging.

Wa Aleikom Salam dear brother,

Thank you for writing us. I am so sorry for finding out one of your parents seems to be unfaithful for the other. It must be a shocking experience for you, and as you say, it even angers you to the extent that you cannot stop crying and you are “thinking of murdering the man.”

Seek Help to Process Your Shock

Dear brother, I assure you that hurting anyone in any way will not fix anything, rather it would cause way more troubles to you and everyone involved. I am sure you do not want to go to jail or be severely punished neither by the government nor by Allah for murdering a person.

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You clearly seem to be overwhelmed by the shock the message has caused you, but you must learn to manage your anger.

The Prophet Muhammad said: “The powerful man is not the one who can wrestle, but the powerful man is the one who can control himself at the time of anger.”

And “Those who spend (in Allah’s cause) in prosperity and in adversity, who repress their anger, and who pardon men, verily, Allah loves the al-Muhsinun (the good-doers).” (3:134).

So, my first and foremost advice for you is seeking help by counseling. This will fix your “mental problems that you have right now.” Inshallah. You should also try the advice of Prophet Muhammad to calm yourself down:

“I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan’ then all his anger will go away.”

I am not sure of your age or your location, unfortunately, but you can easily find trusted counselors online. Here are some I can suggest. These are national directories in the US, but I am sure even if you are not in the US, they will be able to help you if you write them (in case you do not find any counselor in your own country):

Stones to Bridges for Muslim Youth

Therapy for Muslims

When You Find Out Things About Your Parents…

Brother, I am not aware what was in those messages exactly, for how long the exchanges of messages have been going on between your mom and that man, whether they have done anything else than chatting, so the full picture of what is going on – neither you are. I urge you brother not to rush into conclusions or quick actions that you will regret later on. Especially that you seeing the private messages of your mom is not something that should have happened in the first place…

As much as it hurts you finding out your mom seems to be unfaithful to your dad (in a certain level as obviously chatting with someone and sleeping with him are completely different levels, even in Islamic terms), you must keep in mind that whatever is happening between your parents is their business alone, not yours. You do not know the full picture, and as the child, you will never know what exactly is going on in your parents’ marriage. Thus, they are the only people who can solve their issues. However, you can try two things if you see the chatting you saw is unequivocally inappropriate and not a one time occasion.

1, The indirect approach: Try this first. Go to your mom and tell her that you are so sad about your friend who just found out that his mom is cheating on his dad. Ask her advice, what she thinks you should advice your friend in this situation, because he fears Allah and knows that cheating is a great sin. Inshallah, this would be enough for her to remember Allah and stop her from contacting that man again. Inshallah it would remind her to solve her problems with your dad in more healthy ways. Because you need to know that usually when cheating happens in any form, that is an indication the person misses something for long or too bad, they are not happy in that marriage. However, cheating is a really damaging and haram way as well to solve any emotional issues.

2, The direct approach: in a time when you find your mother alone and in a good mood, you might want to tell her in a calm way that you, coincidentally, found those messages and you feel really bad now about this. Try this if the first one does not work.

Please, brother, do not let this incident affect your own relationship with you mother. Remember, you should not have even seen those messages in the first place, it was not your mobile. Besides, as I said, marital issues need to be dealt with between the couples and not by the children.

Remember how your mom treats you, how much she loves you, and how much she does not want to see you suffering from anything, especially not because of her mistakes. Something is going on in the marriage that you are not aware of and unfortunately, this is the way she has dealt with it….May Allah guide her to the right path to find better ways to make her marriage work.

Please brother, focus on your life, your studies or work, and do not let yourself be drown by your parents’ life. I know it is really hard, especially if you live with them, but inshallah especially with the help of a counselor and remembering Allah, making dua to Him to guide your mother and also to keep you calm, inshallah you will do it.

I pray for you,

***

Question 2

Assalamualaikum, I 26 years old girl and I also am a toxic family survivor as my mom was narcissistic and violent and my dad was imprisoned already when I was born..so I grew up in a cold and violent household…at the age of 21, in late 2016 I met this guy who was really good looking and really nice to me, I was so lonely that I fell in love with him, I later found out that he was homeless living in a park, but that did not stop me from loving him and since the suffering was too much at home I even decided to move out from my toxic house and I went to the park because I preferred living with him in the park rather than suffering all that abuse at my mother’s house(she would curse me beat me on a daily basis) I immediately talked to him about the fact that he had to find a job and I would have done the same and he agreed, but he never actually made any effort to even make a resumé, in the park there was no toilet no shower, and I was really dirty every day, but I would go to school regardless because it was my last year before diploma. I went to the police station to seek help and they sent me to a women’s shelter where I stayed for a few months…I had basics like a shelter and a shower, food and so forth, he was still jobless and homeless and could never support me. After my diploma I went from jobs to jobs and I would support both of us my income was still not high but I managed it for both of us whe lived from hotel to hotel because nobody would give us a house to rent. He converted me to islam and I was happy about it but I later noticed he did not practice anything because he smoked marijuana a lot and sell drugs. After a little while living together he started becoming violent and controlling and abusive he started manifesting his anger management issues, we would fight and fight until the neighbours would call the cops. After a big fight he would apologise and say he loved me and I forgive. The violence between us has only gotten worst with time and after all this years he is still jobless and still doesn’t make any effort to help, my financial situation has stabilised and he now asks me money every time for everything… at titimes he would steal money from my account. He is a narcissist like hard core narcissist and I am an empath so this relationship is very very toxic. He told me that he’s the one who saved me because during all this time he would speak with a Muslim religious guide who would pray for us . Now, he never changes even with all the prayers, so I can’t take this anymore… when I tell him we should not remain together because of the toxic relationship he guilt-trips me saying that I am a traitor because now that I have a job I want to live him. I want a healthy marriage because I can’t continue like this, But I feel that if leave him Allah will be angry at me. I have tried everything but the relationship is sick and I can’ttake no more..I don’t know how to cope with this islamically…please help me with an advice…. Thank you in advance Fatima

Salam Aleikom sister,

I am so sorry for all the traumas that you have gone through. Reading your message was really hard, I really feel for you sister. Growing up in a toxic household with a narcissistic parent, then falling in love with a person who does not want to provide even for himself let alone you, and who is a narcissist as well, living on the street and women’s shelter while finishing your diploma and finding a job…

Sister, in my eyes, you are a hero, mashallah. Lot of people would have fallen back in your situation, as we need positive emotional support of our environment in order to live our life happily and full of inspiration, but you did not get it neither at home nor from your husband now, yet you still obtained your diploma and found a job. Mashallah!

After Narcissist Parents Comes Narcissist Husband

This is a common pattern: you chose a partner that reminds you of your parents – even if they were toxic ones. You got familiar with their treatment, and even though you did not like it, your brain “automatically makes you attracted” to people who are the same. Only once you get aware of this, get aware of the patterns and red flags can you change this circle and chose someone more suitable, more healhty.

You stated that you preferred sleeping in a park rather than living at home – yet, you found yourself exactly in the same situation in the park with this man like being at home beofre. Nothing has changed, but actually got worsen – you did not have the comfort of your room either. So he did not really give you anything or saved you from anything. On the contrary.

Steps to Recover Yourself

Sister, mashallah, I cannot emphasize how much I adore you for your strength for finishing your degree, finding a job, and supporting not only yourself but another person who is clearly not valuing you at all.

Sister, you are coming from an insecure family household and your current husband is not giving you security in any way (neither emotional, or financial, or mental, or else), and I am perfectly aware how hard it is to do what I am going to say, but there is no other option: you must accept that you cannot change people no matter how hard you try to convince them that what they are doing is toxic for them and their environment (i.e. you).

You stated that this man was narcissist, he threatens and blackmails you, he lived in a park (so most likely he lied to you first even), for years, he have been living on you and does not do a single effort, because of him you cannot rent a flat,… Hamdulillah the only good he participated in was introducing you to Islam, mashallah. Allah guided you through him – and maybe this was his only role in your life. People are coming and going in our life, but you must move on. I know that you are eagerly looking for (emotional) security, and you think you are a bad person for leaving him alone, alone in the park most likely if you decide to break up as he is not willing to work – but you cannot force people to change. You cannot save everyone who, after receiving the support which you clearly gave him, he is not willing to stand on his feet. It is a really hard lesson for people, women, who are very emotional and empatic even when they grow up in a healthy environment – let alone for those who are suffering from insecure attachment.

Sister, think of yourself. Think what you want. Where do you see yourself in 2-3 years? What do you want in life? Accept the reality that he will not change (he might, Allah knows best of course, but from your experience, he is like this person): can you accept him the way he is right now? Does he give you enough that you feel you can be happy with him, maybe even raise children? Do you want your children to see this example he is representing and grow up – with a narcissist man, just like you grew up with – with a narcissist parent?

You need to be strong again sister. You need to make a decision NOW. You need to make effort to be yourself, who you truly are, so that you can get attracted to the person who loves you and protects you, and finally, finally secures you in all ways.

You know sister, in Islam, this is a man’s job. To not let you live on the street and in hostels. To secure you so that you can shine, so that you can also take care of him and relax him.

Until you have a choice, until there is no kid, until you can work, you are not old, until it is still comfortable, you need to make the step. I have been in such a situation before, and I can tell that it is help, but relief will come after that once you decided to make this step, believe me, and believe in Allah.

You know sister, Allah loves you so much that He has guided you and opened your heart to Islam. He is always there and it is a test now – be smart, be strong.

You DO not Have to Do This Alone

And you should not. Alone everything is hard, we all need support. Hamdulillah you have a work, so you have colleagues. You might have friends from college. I am not sure how much you communicate with your family or relatives, but there might be some relatives, if not your parents, whom you can contact. You are a Muslim mashallah, go to the mosque and find people who can support you in your decision. Who you can talk to, seek advice, seek companionship, or turn to in case you fear.

I would also advise you to seek help of a counselor who can help you deal with your toxic childhood experience as well as your toxic relationship. You need to get well emotionally inshallah. Look around, I am sure you will find the suitable therapist, even online, even for free or for an amount you can still pay.

Most importantly, pray to Allah. Make dua to help you find the strength that you need to make a decision and the step, help you find a flat you can feel comfortable, the people who support you, and the man who secure you.

Please let us know how you are doing!

May Allah bless you!

***

Question 3

I have been suffuring panic attacks for a long time what should i do in the wayvof islam.

Salam Aleikom,

Thank you for writing. I am so sorry that you have been suffering from panic attacks. A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you’re losing control, having a heart attack or even dying.

Although the panic attack might occur suddenly, there is always a reason as to why it occurs. Therefore, I highly recommend that you seek the help of a psychologist. They will not go away unless you figure out the source, the fear, the insecurity that cause these panic attacks and you do not deal with them in a healthy manner.

Usually Cognitive Behavior Therapy is used to discover the source of the panic attacks and to help the client deal with them. There are many excellent therapist that can assist you even through the Internet.

Tips to Do

You asked about Islamic ways to deal with these attacks. The first thing you can do is some relaxation techniques. Hamdulillah, as we are Muslims, our number one relaxation and deep breathing technique five times a day is our five daily prayers.

Therefore, I recommend that you give priority to enhance the quality of your prayers. Take your time when making wudu; imagine that you are cleaning yourself from all the sins and going to stand in front of Allah. When standing, feel that Allah is watching you right now. Recite slowly, articulate your words, and move slowly; rest in each position. Breath slowly as well from your noise (you may want to count until 4 when breathing in), keep your breath for 3 seconds, then let it out longer than you breathed in. This way, you calm your body and sharpen your focus.

You can do this breathing technique any other times, maybe before sleeping, you listen to the Quran (chose a reciter you feel he is reciting emotionally) and breath this way. It is really calming! You can do this also while having the panic attacks: breath slowly.

If you are not doing it already, you might want to start praying the tahajjud prayer, the night prayer. It is a huge effort, waking up to pray, but has such a calming affect. This is also a perfect time to make dua for Allah to help you with your panic attacks. Allah is the Healer.

Also, you can look for natural ways, teas or essences, that keep you calm. Lavender for example is known to be really effective in such circumstances.

May Allah help you,

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Wa Aleikom Salam dear brother,