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Free Your Mind from Problems Before Ramadan (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
21 May, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister ِAisha Mohamed-Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Tuesday, May. 23, 2017 | 05:00 - 07:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My husband passed away quite long time when I was young and had young kids. I never married upon till now. After a year, a relative person I used to talk to after death of my husband wanted to marry my daughter for the few years but then he began to have feelings for me which I never knew until I relaised few years after confronting him. He told me the truth that it happened with no intentions. It genuinely happened which he finds it hard to believe. He is 10 years younger than me. I don't have feelings for him in that way. He constantly asking me to marry him and cries on the phone. I have no idea what to do. When I hear him cry, I feel like am punishing him and I should marry him but on the other hand I don't know how the family is going to react to this. If I stop talking to him, he starts taking sleeping tablets. He tells me there's no harm in marrying me. I need your guidance plz what to do?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to us sister and trusting us with your most important question.  I am sorry to hear of the death of your husband many years ago, may Allah swt forgive him and grant him Jannah insha’Allah.  Regarding the question, I am not clear about one portion of the question which is about this man’s relationship to your daughter.  If he did marry her, of course he is forbidden to you, if he did not and had no relation then it is not haram.  For the sake of clarity, I will proceed as if he was not married to your daughter (he just inquired) and did not have a relationship with her.  However, I do think you already know what to do as you stated “.I don’t have feelings for him in that way”.  Sister, while the age and initial reason for contact does not really matter (marriage), the fact that you have no feelings for him in that way, according to you-does.  In marriage, it is important to want to marry that person for the sake of Allah as well as for a compatible companionship within a marriage.  The fact that you do not have feelings for him as a potential marriage partner says a lot.  If you do not have feelings after talking to him in a halal manner for this long, means that more than likely they will not develop in the future.  Also, as he initially wanted to marry your daughter, this may cause some confusion in your heart later on.

Another point of concern sister is that you stated he is crying on the phone and he takes sleeping pills if you stop talking to him.  Sister it sounds as if he has unresolved mental health problems and it would be wise if you did not marry him as it could lead to further problems and dependency issues.  I do want to make it clear sister that you are not responsible for his mental health status, his taking pills nor his crying.  It is not your obligation to marry him nor resolve any of his issues for him.  You stated you feel like you are “punishing” him by not marrying him, then you try to rationalize it saying that you should marry him but have concerns about what the family would say.  I kindly suggest sister that you take a deep look within yourself to find out what it is that you are seeking from these interactions as they are unhealthy, yet you “feel guilty” for refusing to marry him.  Please do ask yourself “why am I still talking to him, what am I getting from these conversations, what need/void in me-does this fill or I think it fills”?

The best thing you can do sister for the sake of Allah as he is your brother in Islam, is to refer him to his imam for counseling or a counselor in the area.  He sounds unstable at this point and it is not your fault.  I would kindly suggest that after you refer him to counseling (insha’Allah) that you cut off all communication with him as it is unhealthy for you as well as there is no need to be talking with him at this point and it is haram.   It may be hard at first as it seems you have a big heart and want to help him but only he can help himself with Allah swt guidance.

Sister, please do take care of your own needs in regards to decreasing stress, eating healthy, praying, reading Qur’an and drawing closer to Allah swt for protection and comfort. You are precious to your family, friends and to Allah swt.   It seems as if you are really stressed out over this and I encourage you to cut it off and take care of yourself so that you may be able to move forward in your life.  You are in our prayers; please let us know how you are doing.

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Salam Aleikom. My problem is that I do not have confidence in myself. I make lots of errors and I am not a smart person. I do not get things easily and even when I get it the result is always bad. I want to know if there is something I need to do but I am not aware of?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Everyone suffers from low self esteem or lack of confidence from time to time.  However it seems that in your case you feel this way generally most of the time.  I would kindly suggest that you make a list of the things that you are good at, the things you have accomplished as well as activities and skills you would like to improve upon.

Regarding your list of things you are good at and your list of accomplishments, please do review them daily insha’Allah.  This will help you keep a balance regarding the things you feel you cannot do.  Look at your list of things you want to improve upon, whether it is communication skills, problem solving, completing a chore, a school or work issue or learning a new concept.  Examine the steps needed to understand the task.  List the options and steps towards being more effective in doing the said task.  For instance, when I wanted to write grants I had to take a class in grant writing.  I then had to learn how to write grants.  I went through a period of several trials and errors, but I finally got it!

Making errors is expected and normal.  However what is a problem, is when we do not investigate how to do things differently to produce more effective results.  Often times we give up even before we have put in full efforts.  By giving up too soon and believing in our own self doubts and our perceived lack of abilities, it can lead us into a vicious cycle of failure-failure that is self induced and not a true representation of who we are.

You are an intelligent, capable young women.  Please do insha’Allah, tell yourself that daily, in fact several times a day!  The more you tell yourself this the more your brain will begin to believe it.  It is kind of a form of self CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) .  When we begin to change our negative believe systems into positive ones it is then reflected in our behavior and actions insha’Allah.  As you begin to change your thinking about yourself, also begin to strategize on what steps are needed to successfully complete something.

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Additionally, please do look at your environment.  Are you in a place that is free from distractions, stress and other interfering variables?  Are you around people who build you up and not put you down?  These are very important factors to look at because if you live under stressful conditions it may be hard to cope mentally, emotionally as well as intellectually.  If you are around people who are constantly saying negative things to you or about you it may be very difficult to build up your self esteem and confidence.  Insha’Allah surround yourself with uplifting people and an environment conducive to your intellectual, mental, and spiritual growth and development.

Insha’Allah, find the things you are good at, as well as be willing to try new things and develop new strategies for learning tasks. Find what works for you.  Some people learn best by visual, others by hands on and still others by auditory.  Often times when we have low self confidence we are afraid to try new or different things for fear of failure. Please do make efforts to overcome that if it is applicable to your situation.  By trying new things, new ways of doing things, we tap into our creativity as well as form new pathways in our brains for learning.  I am confident you will be successful in these endeavors sister, just believe in yourself and don’t fear failure.   Failure is only baby steps to success.  It is how we learn and grow.  Make duaa to Allah for guidance and ease sister, pray that Allah restores your confidence and brings you joy and success in your future endeavors.  Allah is most merciful but often we must take the first steps!  You are in our prayers.

 

As-Salamu Alaikum. I am a 21-year-old girl with special needs who lives with her father’s family. Since my childhood, my family has constantly been informing me that I should always stand up straight instead of bending my back. To be frank, I am getting sick and tired of their constant reminders. I am an adult and I know myself better than anyone, except Allah. I understand that it is not good to bend your back all the time because a person may walk like that for their rest of their life and or do surgery. Could you please tell me on what I should do with this issue of mine? I do not always notice that I will bend my back. However, I WILL notice if my body begins to ache. When this happens, I immediately will do everything I can to eliminate the ache. My family is the only ones who constantly give me headaches of this, which I hate and do not want them to remind me. Others (including other relatives) who know that I have this issue tells me that I do stand up straight at times, and when I was little it was worse, but now it is not.



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important concerns. I am sorry to hear that your family is always reminding you to stand up straight, but I can assure you they are saying it because they are concerned and love you dearly as you already know. When we love someone, we want to see them safe, healthy and doing things that are productive for their bodies, minds, and spirituality. In your case, the issue surrounds your posture.

As you stated, you are now an adult; you are grown and you know your body. It is my feeling that those who give constant reminders to stand up straight are ones who may have watched you grow from a little girl into a beautiful young woman. It is these reminders from those who are close to us and have watched us grow up which are most difficult to deal with.

You stated that you do sometimes bend your posture and you do not notice it until it begins to ache. Perhaps, this is why they give reminders because, sister, by the time it aches it means that the muscles or bones or both are being negatively affected. Over time this is not good, and I am sure you do not want complications from this such as surgery (as you mentioned).

As you are an adult now, perhaps you may want to take the responsibility to look into preventative measures such as maybe wearing a back brace, or a posture harness, or a bra that extends to your mid-back, thus, helping you to remember to stand up straight. Many people have poor posture and resort to back braces, extended upper garments (such as bra’s for ladies) to provide the extra support, so you are not alone in this issue.

My daughter used to hunch over a lot when she was a young teen. I did give her reminders to stand up straight as she did begin to develop a small “hunch” or rounding of the shoulders when even standing straight. So yes, this issue is important, sister, but I am confident you can handle it on your own so that you will not suffer later on.

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I would kindly suggest sister that you take it upon yourself to more actively seek a remedy to help you remember to stand straight and avoid future problems.

Secondly, in sha’ Allah, please sit with your family members and calmly and lovingly express your appreciation for their concern, but let them know that the reminders are irritating you and ask them to please stop. You may also want to assure them (as they do love you and are concerned) that as you are an adult now you have decided to implement some techniques or devices to help you remember to stand up straight. You may or may not wish to share with them what is it, but of course, that is up to you.

You may hear reminders from time to time as it is normal human nature to want to help. Also, it may have become a habit after so many years, which may take some time to break. However, when you yourself have corrected the situation, you will not hear any more reminders to stand up straight!

You are in our prayers. We wish you the best!

Salam,

The Person whom I loved the most , left me and got engaged to other Girl , now I'm not getting how overcome this pain? We were in relationship for one year and we were very much in love but I don't no suddenly what happened , he changed his heart and engaged to some other girl .



As Salamu Alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am so sorry to hear that the one you loved the most left you to be engaged to another girl.  I can imagine this hurts to the core of your heart.  While I do not know the details of your “relationship” sister or your interactions, I am sure that you know that a relationship with a boy is haram in Islam.  Your hurting heart is one example of why it is!  As you became emotionally involved with him, it hurt you when he just “up and left”.   That was a terrible thing to do on his part and he should be held accountable for that, but if you never got close to him sister, you would have not gotten hurt.  I am not blaming you my dear sister, in fact I am very tired of hearing about boys who do these kinds of things and yet are left off the hook and the blame is only on the girl.  This is not right.  However my dear sister what is done is done and you must go on with your life.  Please do ask Allah swt for forgiveness if you have done anything haram with this boy and make duaa that Allah remove the pain and thoughts of him-the boy, from your heart.

As we are all human as we do tend to slip up, Allah is most merciful and loving sister, He loves to forgive.  Looking back, insha’llah you can see the wisdom in not forming relationships prior to marriage.  A lot of boys sadly do engage in relationships as a way of satisfying their hormones and desires for affirmation as young men (as some girls do too).  However a lot of those boys who do this more than likely do not marry the chosen one of their affections, but will often leave the girl and marry another whom is new to them and/or one whom the family has chosen and families often insist that the child marry the one who they picked out.  This is not always right either, as two people have the right to marry who they chose and they should get to know one another in a halal way as well as get to know each other’s families.

With that said, please do take your time in healing sister.  Be good to yourself, do things that are positive and uplifting, and draw closer to Allah.  I know this hurt, but maybe it was a wake up call for you to examine what it is that you really want in a future husband.  Do you want a husband who dates girls or has relationships?  Or do you want one who is careful about his behavior, respects his future wife and seeks to follow Allah’s commands in regards to honor and kindness?  Surely the boy you had a relationship with was not protecting you nor did he honor you by having a relationship with you and leaving you.  You deserve better than that!  So please dear sister, look at this as a way to draw closer to Allah, to fine tune your deen and to explore what kind of future husband you want.   You will get over the hurt insha’Allah and it will be replaced by increased wisdom, a stronger relationship with Allah and a clearer vision of what “love” is and isn’t.  We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

I'm a second wife been married about 2 months. My husband is being pressured to divorce me by his family members as his wife is a relative and they've been married 25 years. What is the Islamic law regarding this?



As salamu alaykum sister,

I am so sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your husband’s side of the family.  Have you and your husband discussed this?  What is his feelings regarding this situation?  Also, I am wondering if your husband informed his wife and family prior to marrying you.  Did you meet his 1st wife or his family?  Sadly things like this can happen when marriages are done without informing family members and discussing plans to marry.  It also can happen when family members are informed but are resistant.

While I am not an Islamic scholar, I do know that your husband has the right given to him Islamically to take up to four wives if he can meet the Islamic conditions and requirements.  Assuming he has, his parents (and 1st wife) cannot force him to divorce you.  The bigger issue dear sister will be if your husband can stand up against family pressure as well as successfully dealing with any ramifications based on his decision such as his 1st wife possibly divorcing him or family members cutting him off. Standing up to family can be challenging.   In many cultures this is very hard to do, but if your husband is strong and remains firm it can be done.  Sadly the outcome for you as his second wife may be a bit hard for awhile in terms of family relationships.  As he has been married to his 1st wife for 25 years, they may resent your presence in the family.  I can imagine that this hurts my dear sister however this behavior is unIslamic and your husband should remind them of this.  Insha’Allah, in tie they will come to accept this marriage and welcome you into the family.  As it has only been 2 months sister, they may need more time to adjust as it is very new.

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you sit with your husband and discuss the situation and find out how he intends to handle it.  If he is going to stand firm in his rights to remain married to you, ask him how you can help with the situation with his family.  As a supportive wife in this kind of turmoil, I am sure he will appreciate you insha’Allah.  Please do remember sister, that it is not you personally that his family “does not like” but it is the arrangement itself-the second marriage that has them upset.  So please do not take it on a personal level, it could be any woman and they would still reject her and the marriage.  If your husband does not have the fortitude to stand up to his family, sadly you may find yourself in the position of being divorced.  If this does happen, may Allah bless you with a husband who is strong in the foundations of Islam as well determined to stand up for his marriage, his wife as well as his rights in Islam regardless of whom it is that is pressuring him.  As you know, marriage in Islam is a very scared and blessed union.  Allah hates divorce and insha’Allah your husband’s family will also consider this.  Please do give it time dear sister, consult with your husband on his position as well as how he may need your support.  Insha’Allah things will settle down as time progresses and you may find the joy in his family sooner than later.

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

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