As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session. You sound like a very bright young lady with a lot of insight into what’s going on in your life. I’m glad to hear that despite what you have been through you are not suicidal. It is a very wise decision you have made and you will be earning blessings from Allah swt due to your patience, perseverance, and faithfulness.

 

As I understand, you come from a family of six siblings including an older brother who is turning 18 this month. According to you, you and your brother argue a lot concerning issues which are petty. You also stated that you and your brother used to be close but you started drifting apart during your 9th grade year. Sister, I can imagine it must be hurtful to be so close to your brother and then have all this distance and arguing between you. You may be feeling betrayed, abandoned and alone at this point.

 

One issue that you brought up was his plane music loud in the car. While you want him to turn it down he wants to listen to aloud. He also takes the car to pick up friends and take them places against your parents’ rules. Naturally sister this upsets you. What I also see sister, is that while you argue about petty things you are also very concerned about him as your brother. As you try to please Allah and follow Islamic values, you do become upset when he does things against your parents’ wishes.

 

Sister while you have very valid points, I also want to acknowledge your brother’s age. It is quite common for teenagers to sometimes disobey their parents by taking the car driving around, picking up friends etc. I know this probably hurts you and makes you upset because they are your parents, however insha’Allah this phase will soon pass and he will realize the importance of obedience. Another point which you feel annoyed about is it fact that when you’re waiting by the car for a ride, he ignores you and goes over and talks with his friends.

 

Sister, I would like to ask you to think about where these emotions are truly coming from. Yes you have every right to get upset with some of his behaviors but do you think it’s a possibility that a part of you is a little bit hurt because you and your brother are not as close as you used to be? Could you be experiencing a little bit of jealousy and feeling left out when he leaves you by the car to be with his friends or when he doesn’t defend you in a manner that he used to? I may be wrong but I can imagine that when we’re close with our sibling and then they drift away it may seem as if they’re choosing their friends over us and arguments can follow.

 

Your brother has said some very hurtful and mean things to you such as he wishes you would die or he wouldn’t care if you got kidnapped. Sister, please know these are just vile and emotional responses, trust me-he does not mean it. Despite all of the things that are going on sister I am sure that you love him very much and he loves you.

 

There appears to be quite a lot of confusion, anger and abuse going on in your home sister as well as infidelity on your dad’s part (which is another topic). Everyone’s emotions are running high. And you are right-these are issues that could be resolved if everyone would agree to sit down and use Islamic principles and guidelines to resolve them.

 

Sister, I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you take care of yourself first. Try to remove yourself from the midst of the arguing and chaos as much as possible. If it means taking a bus home, take the bus. If it means going to the library for peace and quiet, do that. See, if you remove yourself from the fighting and bickering, they can no longer blame you or try to make you appear as the one at fault.

 

Find some peace sister. Go to the Masjid, start getting involved in Islamic activities and begin to make good friends with whom you can spend your time. I know all of this hurts but insha’Allah you will find solace and comfort in developing new healthy Islamic connections.

 

You may wish to approach your mom or dad when things are calm and ask if you can start praying together as a family as well as study the Qur’an as a family. Perhaps by engaging in praying and reading Qur’an as a family unit it may help heal your family. It may be difficult at first, but lead as an example sister. This is especially important when arguments erupt.

 

Take a moment to think. What would our beloved Prophet (pbuh) do? How would he react? By trying to model our behaviors after the prophet (pbuh) we will see many great changes in our lives and with the relations among us. We cannot force anyone to change their behaviors. We can suggest it-but we can’t force them. We can only change ours and be good examples of how a Muslim should live, relate to others and react. I am not suggesting thisis your fault and you need to change. Quite the opposite! I see great strength in your ability to be an example that may lead your family back to Islam insha’Allah.

 

When you begin to fill your life with other things that are upbuilding and positive, you will be much happier. When you refuse to participate in arguing and anger-you will feel a relief. The power to do so is within you. Seek Allah’s guidance through all of this with making duaa, doing dhzikr and seeking Allah’s mercy and direction.

 

On another serious topic-if you are being subject to abuse at home, please do let someone know. It could be a counselor at school, a trusted imam, a teacher, your family physician, or go to a neighborhood counseling center. Yes-you can even notify the authorities. Just make sure that if you are being abused, you do have a safety plan in place for when you disclose the abuse. Please do call the abuse hotline for further advice and help 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If this is not your country code please do look it up sister. You are in our prayers.