As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. It is sad that many children suffer from poor self image and low self esteem due to the environment they are raised in. Children are constantly being bombarded with images from magazines, movies, TV, and other media as to what is “beauty”. It is truly disheartening when it begins to affect girls as young as 9 or 10 as they are still children.

I would kindly suggest removing any media (books,magazines, movies, TV shows) which are geared towards this ideal. As she likes to be “flattered”, I would compliment her on acts of kindness, charitable deeds, Qur’an recitation as well as other positive actions or words. Children usually continue to focus on and display interest in what they are commended for as well as what they are praised for. I would also insha’Allah get your daughter enrolled in some Islamic classes for children which focus on the beauty of the heart (compassion, kindness, etc), of worship as well as intellectual abilities. You may want to get her involved with children’s groups that go hiking, play games together, study Qur’an, go to fun places as well as other uplifting and bonding activities. The focus would then be on the group and activity and not just on her or specific friends. Insha’Allah, she will meet some nice girls and make lasting friendships.

I would also suggest that you have her do some weekly charity work with other Muslim girls so that she can learn to take the focus off of herself and put it towards helping others.

Somehow, she has gotten the message that she is not “worthy” of love and acceptance. Please do look into her school environment to ensure she is not being bullied. Often times children who are bullied do not tell others, they suffer silently and it comes out in their behaviors such as low self esteem, inability to socialize, feeling anxious, preferring to be alone and sensitive to others perceptions of them. Insha’Allah, as frustrating as this may be, please do not yell at her as it is only re-enforcing the notion she is somehow “not good enough”.

With patience and redirection of activities, insha’Allah she will gain the correct perception of beauty and friendships as well as begin to love herself. Please do seek out the help of a child therapist in your area however if her mood and behaviors do not change with the above suggestions insha’Allah. Most of the time what you are describing is a part of growing and trying to find out where you fit in (hormonal-puberty). Mass media messages bombarding girls, and a lack of confidence and social skills can also play a part. However there is also a chance she may have depression, anxiety or a self image disorder therefore it is best to rule it out if your efforts to correct it fail.

You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.