Dear brothers and sisters,

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Check out the 5 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Marriage Problem

Assalamualikum I’m having a unique issue with my marriage. I came to the USA for higher education, before coming here I got married with my husband. My family wouldn’t accept the marriage so we hid it from the family! Which was a wrong decision now I know. But he promised me he will come here within 6 months. However, things started to fall apart after a while because of the distance and his inability to pass the ielts and come here. At a certain point I offered him a dependent visa. He denied the offer because of ego. But we drifted apart with time! It’s been almost three years like that. Last December I told him to let me go since we are making each other’s life! We never get to stay together. We didn’t really have a marital relationship. Since, came aboard the next day after getting married. Now he wants to come and asked me to apply for him. But because the student visa has expired I am on my OPT status and I used to work in the international student office. If I told them I have a dependent it’ll create a problem for me here! It’s now difficult for me to apply for him. Moreover, with constant fighting and distance I lost all the mental connection towards him! But I want to start a family as I’m already 34 years old. It’s really difficult for me to send a divorce letter to him as well. In that case what should I do? Can I get married again? I have to say I got married before at a very young age by my parents without my consent. I came out of that marriage after 6 months. This is also an issue for me. Right now I’m utterly depressed. I’m praying all the time. But the thought of why me is coming to my mind all the time. What should I do? My parents are sad with me because of this. They don’t know if I’m going to find another groom after this incident. But in both situations I kind of get into trouble. Is it me? Then why is it happening to me? I thought this marriage will last! I was really confident and sure that he was the one. Is it wrong for me to not feel any connection towards him now!?

Salamalikhom, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand it, you have a unique issue with your marriage. You went to the US for higher education, and the day before that, you got married to your husband. Your family did not know that. He promised you to come within 6 months, but this did not happen. At one point you offered him a dependent visa; he denied that. Last December, you told him to let you go because you are actually not living a marital life. 

He wants you to apply for him to have a dependent visa, but now your status would make it more complicated. Sister, I’m not an expert in US immigration law, so I am not sure what your possibilities are with an OPT status. Please turn to a lawyer or the immigration office to clarify that. 

It seems to me that you are quite confused about what you would like to do and whether you want this marriage or not. You are not sure whether you want to divorce or not either. 

I think it’s very understandable that if you don’t have any contact with your husband or just very little, there will be no attachment, love, or emotional connection between both of you. 

However, it does not mean that you could not be a good match, right? 

Think about whether you would like to give a chance to this marriage. Do you have the halal possibilities to do that? Do you have to hide this fact from your family? 

If so, start to get to know each other. Talk more on the phone, speak, communicate, bond with each other, and see whether there is some interest. If there is, maybe it will be easier for you to have the willingness to work on your goals together. And if there is not, it will also be easier to see what you want without doubts.

Make sure that you know him and you build a kind of ground for your relationship and see if this relationship is worth keeping or not. 

You say that you thought this marriage would last. I have to tell you, sister, that no marriage would last without connection, communication, or emotional bonding. Love can only be created by connecting with each other and making efforts to work on the relationship. Try to create some common goals. Planning and thinking about the future and visualizing the future together can also help. 

Long-distance marriages have their own challenges, and some of the main challenges are the lack of physical connection. In a marriage, we do have rights and duties, and in a long-distance marriage, there are some basic rights that we can hardly fulfill as spouses.

And of course, without this, it is difficult to feel attached. In order to overcome this, both of you have to make efforts and spend time together, even online. Ask yourself, What efforts do you make, and make sure that you take actual steps. 

In the case that he is reluctant, ask him about his unwillingness and about his plans. Demanding a response is okay. If he’s not too interested in this marriage anymore, he should be fair enough to tell you that, and you don’t waste each other’s time anymore.

Remember, sister, that Allah is the best planner, and he knows who is the best for you and when things have to happen. So we have to trust in Allah, but we also have to make an effort to have a happy marriage. 

I hope this helps; may Allah make it easy for you. 

Question 2. Im 31 and i dont wanna get married

I’m 31 years old and have no desire to get married or fall in love with any man. I’ve talked to many men, and at first, I’m okay, but after a few days, I start feeling uncomfortable. Eventually, they begin to disgust me, and I start lying to avoid them. When I can’t take it anymore, I end things and tell them it won’t work out, and I don’t want to marry them. Many good men have asked for my hand in marriage, but I could never truly like any of them. The idea of marriage scares me; I worry I’d be a bad wife and mother if I ever had children. I also come from an abusive household and haven’t healed from that yet. Why do I feel this way, and is there something wrong with me?

Salam alaikom, sister, thank you for sharing your struggle. 

You say that you are 31 now and you have no desire to get married or fall in love with any man. You have talked to many men, and at first it seems okay, but after a few days you start feeling uncomfortable, and you start to avoid them actually. And you start to have some self talk about things that won’t work out and why you don’t want to marry them. You are really not able to trust any of them, and the idea of marriage scares you. You think you will be a bad wife and a mother if you ever have children.

You mentioned at the end of your letter, a very important thing, that you are coming from an abusive household and you haven’t healed from that yet. 

I think that is a key point, dear sister. I wonder whether this can be behind your beliefs about yourself and the fears about marriage, being a mother, a wife, and having children.

So, how can you heal from those wounds? How can you transform your beliefs about yourself and about marriage and find more adaptive ones that do not make you feel down? 

What you explained are hypothetical scenarios because you do not know the future, right? Can it be that your fears feed these scenarios? Maybe you fear the worst-case scenario based on your past experiences, based on things you were told about yourself that are probably not really true either.

So it would be really important to examine these beliefs about yourself and about marriage: where they are coming from, whether they are still valid, whether they are realistic and whether they are adaptive ones, whether they serve you or not. 

You may need support for this and external help. If these ideas are deeply rooted and are coming from traumatic experiences, most likely that you are going to need a professional to help you with your healing process. So I kindly but firmly advise you to seek counseling and therapy, where you can start to examine and transform these beliefs about yourself. 

Growing up in an abusive household is a painful and difficult experience, for sure. But it does not mean that history will repeat itself. Dear sister, you have your own qadr, and Allah has unique plans for you. There are many people who, as a result of their past, became wonderful mothers, wives, and even caregivers and are able to turn their experiences into motivational forces to do things better. 

So, in a nutshell, even if you don’t want to get married right now, maybe with healing, you are going to reach a point where you do want to have a partner and form a family. The most important thing is that if you are not feeling good and okay with these ideas about yourself, take action. There can be things done about that, alhamdulillah. So start a healing journey with a counselor, and you will see that things are going to be clearer as you gain more confidence about yourself, and you will be able to separate the past from the present. You are going to see things through a more positive lens, also about your capacities, in sha Allah.

May Allah make it easy for you. 

Question 3. Marriage Problem

I’ve been married to my first cousin for 5 years now. I accepted his marriage to make my parents happy even though I had my reservations. I wanted to marry someone who had university level education like me, as I was worried about our personalities, communication skills and general qualities matching. I knew he was a nice person as we’ve met before but I still felt not 100% okay with it. I agreed, and moved overseas to be with him in a foreign country. I had to learn a new language, meet people and start a whole new life.

The problem: during the 5 years we’ve been together, I honestly haven’t felt like myself.

It’s his way or nothing, he says what he wants when we have disagreements and then shuts down and doesn’t hear me out. When he listens to me, he still believes he is right. He slams doors in my face, leaves when I’m still talking, ignores me, and uses his phone and answers calls in the middle of me talking to him. 

I’ve never felt this disrespected in my life as I do now. If I get upset with how he is treating me, he says “the reason he is treating me this way is because I am in the wrong”, he never apologizes or admits his wrong doings, he ignores me forever days but still expects me to do my duties, say Salam and be with him. When I do say Salam, he tells me to leave him alone. If I try to talk to him he tells me to get lost.

We have two children under 5 years old and I’m already seeing the effect our relationship is having on them. He is disrespectful and talks down to me in front of them, this results in them talking to me the way their dad does, they don’t listen to me and I’m exhausted. They fear their dad.

Every year he becomes more difficult. I’ve only traveled once to see my family . He says do as he says and then he will let me travel to see them. They live on the other side of the world.

When he gets upset with me he stops doing everything, talking to me, he doesn’t even look at me with anything but anger or disgust on his face.

Salam alaikom, dear sister, 

Thank you for writing to us and sharing your struggle. You have been married to your first cousin for 5 years now, and you related your concerns about how he has been treating you. 

You accepted this marriage to make your parents happy, but did not feel 100% okay with this proposal. Dear sister, you know, when we make a lifelong, lasting decision, it is good to consider our parents advice, but we also have to see what we really want.

If you do not agree or not like a proposal, Islam gives you the green light to discard it. We have to please Allah with our decisions and be authentic with ourselves. Why? Because this is one of the best ways to avoid the feeling that we do not live our own lives.

It is okay to speak up and say no to things while you do it with respect and do not contradict religious teachings. Sometimes in some cultures and families, this seems to be more complicated because cultural or family norms come first instead of Islamic ones. 

Probably this is also happening in your marriage, unfortunately, because your husband, who is your cousin, does not really respect your words and does not really know how to handle conflict or situations in a healthier way. When you have disagreements, he just shuts down, and he doesn’t hear you out when he listens to you; he still believes he is always right. He slams doors in your face when you are still talking and ignores you. He uses his phone and answers calls in the middle of you talking to him.

It sounds disrespectful; I agree. And it’s really not the proper way to communicate with your spouse. Spouses deserve respect and kind treatment. Unfortunately, if someone has not learned to deal with differences in opinion and compromises, they won’t be able to handle and tolerate the frustration that comes with them. Unfortunately, it is quite common, but it can be improved by acquiring social and communication skills and developing emotional intelligence. 

According to your letter, it seems that your husband has issues with this skill. I am not sure about your upbringing, but probably this sounds familiar to you. Did this also happen in your family? Did you find yourself in a similar situation as a child or young adult that your voice was not heard, or you were not able to speak up for yourself? 

If so, I kindly advise seeking out counseling or some form of professional support where you can learn how to speak up for yourself and for your needs and how to do that in an assertive way, without fighting back, without being disrespectful, and so forth. 

Remember that you will be responsible for your own deeds and for your own behavior, actions, and words, and of course your husband too. Sooner or later, he has to realize that this is not right; this is not the way to treat his spouse, even if this is what he saw at home. Admitting mistakes is okay; apologizing also.

Please seek marriage counseling or some form of mediation together. He will also have to work on his communication skills and give you the respect you deserve. On the last day, Allah will judge our actions and our words, so we have to learn how to respond in the best possible way. 

This would be very important for you in order to feel more confident during a conflict. As you well said, not only for Allah but also for your children. Both of you are role models; they are going to see and model how you behave. This, sister, goes to you as well: the way you respond or don’t respond to your action or inaction, your activity or passivity in front of conflict, are also models for your children. Try to focus on your behavior, seek help on how you can improve your responses, and express your needs in front of him and your children.

In conclusion, please first try to seek counseling for yourself, and as you gain strength about your skills, seek marriage counseling and put into practice what you learn. May Allah make it easy for you. 

Question 4. Valid Reasons for divorce

Selaam Alaykum, 

I am going through a difficult situation and I want to know if this is a valid reason to divorce my wife for my mental and emotional health. It is a long story but I will try to make it short. 

I am male living in Germany. A year ago I went back home to get married. My intention was to bring my wife to live with me in Germany. But the marriage life hasn’t been like I expected it to be. 

On the wedding day she came without a hijab to the ceremony even though she always wore a hijab before. I asked her why,  she said it was her dream to look like that at her wedding ceremony. The wedding wasn’t even held according to our agreement with her parents. We told them to separate men and women and they mixed everything. 

Secondly, the honeymoon went really bad because she was having pain before I even touched her. I tried to understand her and I was very compassionate with her because it may happen with my daughter in the future.  Unfortunately, I stayed with her for a month after the wedding and had to go back to Germany without touching her. But I went back after 7 months and everything went well alhamdulillah. 

For 4 months she was living with my mother. One day she locked her room and went to stay with her parents for a while. When she got back my mom told her she could have cleaned her room before she came back. My wife said she is afraid that someone would do her magic in her room even though there is nobody else living except my mother and a servant with her. My mother was in shock and really sad that her daughter in law couldn’t trust her. BTW I am her only child. After that I told her to live with her parents until I brought her to live with me. 

My mother called her parents and spoke with them about the issue of the wedding ceremony and accusation of magic etc..They didn’t even apologize and they took it as if it was nothing. They haven’t talked to each other anymore since then.  

There are other things also like she doesn’t call my mother etc… To make a long story short, I have been advising her for a year on how she should talk and behave etc… I even told her to help me fix the problems between my mother- in-law and herself. But she is being immature and always tells me that me and my mom are exaggerating and making things difficult etc… She doesn’t see her and her parents’ faults but only my mom’s and my fault. 

Last time I spoke to her I  tried to explain everything calmly but she was defensive as always and I told her she is immature, stubborn  and not ready for marriage etc…. Since then we have not talked to each other for almost a month. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted and I think divorce is the only option. because I can’t change her if she doesn’t want to change herself. Am I seeing things from the right angle? 

Salam alaikom, dear brother, 

Thank you for writing to us with your concern. You were married a year ago. Differences of opinion and some form of conflict started to happen between you, your mother, and she, what you have related in your letter. 

I’m really sorry to hear that. I understand that you are trying to fix the disagreements between you and her mother-in-law, your mother. I think it’s great, masallah; may Allah reward your efforts!

In my opinion, there can be two main issues here. 

First, what you explain here may have to do with the realistic expectations of newlyweds. In your case, what we should explore is whether what you experience is within or beyond what we call normal “adaptation.”

Consider that we arrive at marriage with different backgrounds, norms, and family customs, including ways of dealing with conflicts, things of what we find normal, and so forth, and we will have different needs as well. So while there is compatibility, willingness, and commitment, still, it’s normal that you are going to need to adapt to each other.

You will have to know each other first, discover differences, be able to communicate them, and tolerate, accept, and attend to the needs of the other. I mean here, for example, her way of dealing with your mother. Also, their beliefs about black magic and so forth. Maybe she did not keep her door closed because she does not trust in your mother, particularly; maybe for her it is a custom based on her beliefs, not more. Could that be a misunderstanding?

You are right: this adaptation has to happen from both sides. So from your side, being open to the possibility that she may have different family norms and cultural norms, for example, regarding the wedding, regarding privacy, in-laws, etc., is a fair approach. 

When we get married, we start to express our needs and expectations towards each other, and ideally, try to accommodate them. There is no “it can be done only this way, my way.”. 

So, dear brother, what do you think? Can these differences be normal ones? How would you evaluate your own acceptance of these differences? 

Furthermore, do you want to work on them? And do you want to fix the marriage with her? 

While you need to reflect upon these answers, the same question goes to her too. Does she want to be in this marriage? How do you, and how does she evaluate her willingness to adapt? Maybe your concerns for her seem exaggerated, but they are not so for you—does she consider your needs and ways? 

Talk to her and then tell her that it’s okay that you have different approaches. It’s okay, but let’s come together and see how you can find a compromise and a common ground. Tell her that you are looking for a solution because, in a marriage, things cannot happen only one way. 

Marriage is all about compromise and sacrifice. When we make compromises, we sacrifice some of our ways and expectations.

Start with seeing: What compromises are you willing to make? And what are the sacrifices you are willing to take in order to fix this marriage? 

Secondly, I am not sure, but maybe there have been some misunderstandings related to the situations you explained in your letter that were not talked out properly and probably escalated into this situation. What do you think?

It seems that her family is doing things like nothing happens and trying to avoid conflict, and they’re trying not to take responsibility or willing to see another approach different from theirs. 

Trust issues can stem from a lack of transparency and the breaking of promises. If there were some agreements between you and her family, for example, regarding the wedding, and then things happened the other way, it naturally could create mistrust. 

Communication is very important. When we get married, we have to start to bond and build up trust and confidence. You are husband and wife, and in sha Allah, you can turn to be best friends too if you are able to approach the relationship with honesty and sincerity.

When a misunderstanding arises, the best is to talk it out, explain, apologize, and forgive, if needed. About the wedding night, for example, have you talked about that moment? What happened there exactly? What were her fears? What were yours? How did it make you feel that you cannot be intimate together? Etc. What feelings arose in that situation? Fears, disappointment, frustration, etc. Name them, and validate them together. 

You can involve a third person if you think that you have reached the stage where some kind of mediation would be important. This is also recommendable because in Islam the advice is to find reconciliation and to exhaust the means to fix the marriage before turning to divorce. 

It can be a marriage counselor, an imam, a mediator, a professional one, or from the community. List down what are the main points you would like to address with her and her family before you sit down with them. If you see that there is no willingness from their side, you can talk to the imam to see if there is a valid reason to divorce then.

So, start with setting realistic expectations about conflicts and misunderstandings that can happen at the beginning of a marriage. It’s not recommendable to give up very fast, you know, because these differences are normal to an extent. But the efforts and the willingness should be there from both of you and from your families. 

You’re right, you can’t and don’t have to change her. We should not enter the marriage with the expectation of changing the other person. It’s not your job to change the other person, actually. If she’s not willing to change, you have the right to say no for these qualities.

If this happens, may this be a lesson for you to look into this next time prior to marriage: her family, their way of dealing with conflict, their way of thinking about compromise, their way of handling expectations, needs, and so forth. 

Whatever happens, brother, try to see it as a test and a good opportunity to know more about yourself. 

May Allah reward your efforts and help you!

Question 5. Rejecting Marriage for Race

Assalamualykum, 

I am a 26 year old woman, I have been obedient to my parents thus far. I care and love my parents deeply. Obeying them has always been a priority but I feel that my parents have taken advantage of my submissive nature. When I turned 26, my parents were frantically trying to get me married and looking for suitable men. I came to my mother with a man who I have spoken to and come to genuinely care for and love and did see myself marrying. I had told my mother this and she was so  upset and forced me to cut contact with him because he was from a different race. She had even said that, had he been from our race, she would have agreed. I haven’t been able to tell my father because my mother has stopped me from saying anything. They have now made me meet with 4 other men to get to know and marry but I cannot stop thinking about the man I originally wanted to marry. Allah has put me through such an arduous test that it is getting more and more difficult to function. I put my trust in Allah but I am lost as to what I should do. None of the men that my parents presented to me are anything like who I love. My parents refuse to listen to any islamic hadith that says that race is not a reason to deny marriage. They worry about what their community will think of them and they will be ashamed because I chose my own husband. 

Please, by the will of Allah, help me. 

Salam alaikom, sister, thank you for writing to us. 

You explain in your letter the conflict between you and your mother regarding your marriage plans. You say that since you turned 26, they have been looking for a suitable man for you. 

You have someone in your mind, and you see him as your husband and as a father. But he’s from a different race, and your mother rejects him altogether due to being from a different race. She said, explicitly, that she would have agreed if she were of your race. 

Then they made you meet with other men, but you cannot stop thinking about the one you wanted to marry. You are asking about how to move on from this situation. 

Well, there are 2 main issues here, in my opinion. 

One thing is that, of course, Islamically speaking, it’s not allowed to reject a marriage only based on race. In the eyes of Allah, we only differ in levels of taqwa, God consciousness. Your parents’ objection may be regarding the taqwa of your future husband, for example, or some other Islamic reasons, like, for example, financial instability, lack of good character, and so forth. Race is not one of them.

So this is one thing, and you are totally right that this should not be the reason to reject the marriage with you. 

On the other hand, you say as well that you cannot stop thinking about him. Of course, if you have someone in your mind and you are in love with someone, it will be very complicated for you, naturally, to be open in your heart, in your mind, and altogether to consider other proposals. 

You are most likely going to compare them and will look for missing traits in your proposals that otherwise may be good for you. Maybe you will find reasons to reject these proposals, just because of your love for someone else. In this case, take care not to fall into the trap of losing between both: rejecting something worthy for something unsure. 

What you can do?

First, look at things from a higher perspective. If Allah SWT has destined you to be together, you will be together, in sha Allah. And if Allah SWT has other plans for you, it won’t happen, right? If he is not part of your qadr, it may be difficult now to let him go. But at the end of the day, it will turn out to be better for you, even if now you see it otherwise. 

So put your trust in Allah and commit yourself to getting what you want. It’s okay that you keep insisting that marrying someone from a different race is fine in Islam. Even if cultural norms say something else, we need to make choices based on what we want and what Allah set for us, not what the community expects. . 

At the same time, until the things cannot be halal between you and him, kindly try to distance yourself from it and try to take it as something that depends on the Qadr of Allah. 

You may involve a third person, someone who is more knowledgeable in Islam, and ask him to help your mother regarding what expectations we should have as Muslims. Whether we should please Allah or other people first. About what matters: whether he is a good Muslim, a pious man who will take care of you, and you see him as a future husband, or what others say about his race or color. 

This third person may help to arrange a meeting with him and your family. If they know him, they may realize that he is good and suitable for you and will care less about what others will say. 

May Allah make it easy for you!