A salaam alaikum sister and Ramadan Mubarak.
Shokran for writing to our live session. I am so happy that you like the style of advice, it is only through Allah that this is possible and insha’Allah, Allah will enable us to continue to be beneficial in some small way.
A Common Situation
Regarding your situation, it is not unique or rare. I’m not sure where you live however, I do know that in the United States there are a lot of very beautiful, educated, single Muslim women over the age of 30. For some reason to a lot of sisters over the age of 30 is a hallmark. I do understand and respect the tradition of getting married very young. It is a safeguard and insha’Allah a nice way to begin young adulthood.
Differing Ages of Marriage
For the most part at least in the United States, back in the days people got married very young because they did not live to an old age. They used to live to be about 40- 45 hence early marriages. As people are now living to be in their 90s and 100s, being 30 is still considered young. There are many women here as I’m sure other places, who have children after the age of 40. I know that is a big concern when women start to reach their 30s in regards to fertility. However, some women are even having their first child around 40 years old. Another reason for this is that a lot of women nowadays do pursue a career whether they are married or single. Oftentimes a husband and wife decide together to put off having children until later.
Marrying with Insight
In Islam however it is best to marry young and yes, you are still young. Sister I do not think there’s anything wrong with you turning down proposals. You seem to know what will work and what won’t. That is a good thing. It means when you do marry, insha’Allah it will be a very successful and happy marriage insha’Allah! It would be sad to get into a marriage with someone that you are not compatible with. It may not be a very happy marriage. I would advise however that insha’Allah you do make a list of the qualities that you absolutely have to have in a spouse. Make another list of qualities that would be nice to have. That way you can be sure in your heart that you are not being too choosy, yet you’re being choosy enough to know that whoever you marry you both will be happy insha’Allah.
As Muslims when we are single, it is often times shocking and sad to us because we feel and know that marriage is half of our deen and very important. We often cannot understand why we have not found a spouse yet.
Allah has This
Dear sister, I kindly advise you to look at it like this, perhaps Allah in His mercy and love for you is blocking relationships that will not work to save you for the one that will. You, in your wisdom, are able to see this based on your question. Still, not being able to secure a marriage after some time can leave one wondering “is it me?”
A Reflection of You
Sister there’s nothing wrong with you, please don’t ever think that there is. I know it can feel like there must be but, that is just a human feeling in response to waiting. Sister, if you meet someone you feel compatible with and feel that spark- it will happen. You will be so happy that you waited for the right one at the right moment.
You stated that things become very complicated concerning proposals for one reason or another, therefore I would suggest to try to keep things as simple as possible. Whatever situations cause complications or confusions, try to avoid them. Insha’Allah try to get to know the next man in a halal manner, yet away from any external factors that could cause interference.
Feeling the Joy
You stated that you don’t have any regrets for the proposals that came earlier, because you think they were not right for you. Still you feel disturbed because you are a live alone, and are alone most of the time. I would encourage you especially during Ramadan, to attend Islamic events as much as you can. Go to the Masjid for prayers, attend iftars, and truly enjoy the sacred month of fasting. By praying, doing works of charity as well as socializing with our sisters, it can lift your spirits and help you to feel more involved on a spiritual and social level. You may be already doing this but I am going to ask that you do it in a different way ?
Don’t Focus on Marriage
When you do go out sister, either at work or Islamic Affairs, don’t think about getting married. If you see married couples having fun and happy, don’t let sad thoughts creep in. Tell yourself “this will be me soon insha’Allah!”. Claim it with joy, put that vibe out in the universe for Allah to work with. Try to turn the sad, despairing thoughts into positives. Focus on being in the moment. Try to enjoy each moment you have and those that you are with. When you focus on joy to defeat sad thoughts or longings, you are in fact trusting in Allah that you will receive what you have been praying for. You develop an aura of nour around you. Walking in this light that comes from your heart and soul, I will not be surprised if that someone who is meant for you, walks right into your life, smiles and says there’s my wife!
When we shift our mind frame from wishing and wanting and feeling sad, towards letting Allah guide things, we tend to feel happier and we develop a stronger light which radiates around us. This is an attractive Islamic quality. I am sure that you already have it my dear sister but after times and times again of disappointment and hurt, it may be lingering in the background. Bring it forward!
Here are a few duaa’s I really like, insha’Allah you will find them beneficial as well. You are in our prayers.
“It was reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to recite this Dua: “O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.” (Abu Dawud)” (1).
“It was reported from ‘Abd-Allah ibn Mas’ud that the Prophet said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi’
“O Allah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Quran the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety” but Allah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)” (1).
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.