Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for participating in the session.
Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
Thank you for your understanding.
Question 1. Forgiveness
When I was 11 during 6th grade. I said mean stuff about one of my Muslim classmates. He knows about it and doesn’t talk to me. I didn’t care much about it at that time because I wasn’t a practicing Muslim before. Now I’m 12, Alhumdullilah, I’m a better Muslim. I tried apologizing, but he said no. The worst thing is that I have to see him everyday in school and remember this incident. I can’t forget it. I cry almost everyday now. What to do?
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Alhmadulillah, I’m glad to hear that you are now a better Muslim as you have gotten older and that you regret being mean to your classmate. You have also done the right thing in trying to make amends by seeking his forgiveness, even if it is t this point that he does not accept it. I understand that the regret you have for this incident is causing you quite a lot of distress until today. This may be very uncomfortable for you and is understandable, especially since you are reminded of it daily as you see him at school everyday. Thankfully, you are doing the right thing and there are some things you can do to make things easier on yourself.
Firstly, be confident that you are doing the right thing. May Allah reward you. You should also take your repentance to Allah and seek His forgiveness for your previous actions too. Turn to Him in the depths of the night and ask for His forgiveness and guidance. Knowing that you have taken the matter to the Most High will allow you to feel even more confident in His Mercy in the knowledge that He loved to forgive. Ask Him to soften the heart of the boy that he will also forgive you.
Even though the situation may seem like a negative one that is causing you such distress, you can get something positive from it. The discomfort you feel will allow you develop an empathy in yourself that will prevent you from doing mean things again in the future to avoid being left to feel like this again. Even though it has been tough for you, it has been an opportunity for personal growth that has turned you into a better person. Alhamdulillah.
Be aware that you hurt the boys’ feelings and these things do take time to recover from, especially if the effects have been long term and damaging. It may take time for him to feel comfortable to accept your apology and for that you need to be patient and persevere. Given your ages perhaps you might even consider bringing in a third party that you are comfortable to share with who will speak to him on your behalf to avoid falling into any possible haram at this stage. It may also reinforce and show the remorse that you feel in that you are willing to go to these lengths and persist in seeking his forgiveness patiently. In sha Allah, when he is ready with time, he will accept your apology.
In the meantime, as I said, continue to seek guidance and forgiveness from Allah and continue to use this as an opportunity to grow. May Allah forgive you and guide you on the straight path.
Question 2. Accept or reject marriage proposal
A very religious guy approaches to marry you but he wouldn’t want you to go anywhere. You should not work n just stay in the house. He would marry another woman a month or 2 after our marriage.
I am advised to still go into the marriage despite what he said.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
You are not obliged to marry anyone if you do not want to.
This is even if your whole family say that you must. Ultimately, it is your decision. However, if you have a close family network that you trust and they think he would be a good suitor for you, particularly because he is religious, then you should at least give it a thought and consideration before outright rejecting it.
Take time to consider the pros and cons and potential good and bad consequences either way. It is a huge decision and commitment and so certainly needs time to really sit with your options and make the decision that’s best for you.
Keep in mind that other family members that you can trust know you well and will be able to judge the situation in a way that might be difficult for you so is certainly worth taking into consideration their thoughts too. Of course, this still doesn’t oblige you to accept the proposal, but is something for you to keep in mind when making such an important decision.
Do not rush. Take the time you need to really think things through. Take it to Allah, ask for His guidance. Mark a decision and then make istikhara. You might even write down the pros and cons, put them aside and then revisit them again after some days and see if you still feel the same.
When you are feeling absolutely confident in your decision, have consulted who you feel comfortable to discuss with, have taken it to Allah and have thoroughly considered your options then move forward with your response.
Taking time to put in such consideration for this important matter will allow you to put forward your response comfortably with no regrets and without ever looking back wishing you had made the other decision.
May Allah grant you a righteous spouse that will bring you happiness in both this life and the next. May He guide you to make the decision that is most pleasing to Him and you regarding the current matter.
I am 35yrs old and my mother has been looking for alliance from past 15 years but for some reasons I am never able to get married….if some alliance gets fixed also but it for some reason gets called off….Alhamdulillah, I am good looking, well qualified, settled with good job and belong to a good family but still I am facing issues to get married and this has made me and my mom extremely depressed…..I had immense faith in Allah…..but now I feel very hopeless and empty….I don’t pray my Tahajjud and make dua’s with same passion and conviction that I used to do earlier….Earlier I used to make dua and cry for hours to Allah but I don’t even feel like shredding a tear now….I feel Allah is mad at me and he has taken away the privilege of Dua from me because I feel no passion in making dua it’s just for namesake and I feel very HOPELESS….I feel I have made this dua for so many years how it is going to change now….Recently I was reminded about the power of Astaghfirullah and how making Istighfar can get your duas accepted and fulfilled….I was myself an orator of this in the past but now when I plan to recite Astaghfirullah I feel why will Allah accept it when I am not doing it with passion and I am doing it for the sake just to get the dua accepted…..Not really having the intention of making Istighfar but just doing it for the sake of fulfilling Dua….I don’t know what to do….and I don’t know what I am feeling and Why I am feeling this….I am very confused….I feel very bland, numb, empty and hopeless …….Please help me…..
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
I understand that at your age and with the failures despite your persistence that you must be feeling incredibly fed up by now. This is a huge test for you. Unfortunately, when we go through such trials and are left feeling like our duas are not being accepted or even listened to, as humans, we have the tendency to just give up feeling like we are not being listened to.
I believe this is something that most of us go through at some point in life to some extent or another for a any number of challenges that we are faced with throughout life. However, the key thing is that we allow ourselves to then step back out of this feeling of helplessness and instead focus on the hope of Allah, on His Mercy in the confidence that there is a good reason for us to be in the situations that we find ourselves seemingly stranded in at times.
This may be far easier said than done, especially when you are feeling at such a low point. The good thing is, you have stepped forward for some support on the matter and you recognize that this is a problem for you. This shows that you are ready to face it and overcome this present hardship and will make the effort to affect change in your life that will, in sha Allah, see positive changes in your life.
Firstly, have confidence that Allah is the best of planners. He is the one who is protecting you and guiding you to what is best for you. Perhaps any proposals that have previously fallen through were not for you and we’re, in fact, going to cause you even greater hardships than you are experiencing currently.
Maybe He is making you wait so that you will truly appreciate the right person that will come into your life. Often when things are made easy for us, we become quite ungrateful and don’t realize the blessing in our life. If we are given something after hardship and persistence, we appreciate it so much more and make the most of it, and treat it like the blessing that it is.
The same could be said of a life partner in marriage. Perhaps, Allah is making you wait for this blessed reason. Additionally, your situation has been one that’s made you really contemplate things and analyze your life and relationship with Allah.
Even though you may not feel this is in a good space right now, the way you are drawing attention to it in yourself and reflecting will allow you to make positive changes. Even though you are not feeling strong in your faith at present, the fact that you are even thinking about it and thinking about Allah can only be a positive thing.
You are clearly able to see what is right and wrong and know what you need to correct. I understand that you feel you are forcing it right now, but to do this is surely better than giving up altogether and completely turning away from Allah.
Eventually, with persistence, with positive influences around you, you will, in sha Allah, be back on track and this whole situation will have in fact been the thing that pushed you closer to Allah than ever which is a blessing in itself.
Do continue to fulfil your obligations, even if they do feel forced for now. Continue to build on them by adding in some short duas through the day, fasting if you can, making additional acts of worship bit by bit without overburdening yourself.
Be in the presence of people who will encourage you on the right path and will naturally make you feel like engaging in more acts of worship alongside them such that it won’t feel so forced as you are doing it with them as part of daily life.
May Allah continue to guide you on the straight path and may you find comfort in His remembrance. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next at the perfect time.
Question 4. I have feelings towards my schoolmate and it’s affecting my studying and focus
I am a 16-year-old in high school. I just started taking my advanced placement exams and studying is getting really intense. About a month ago. I registered for a national competition as a member of the school team. When we started training, the school brought a female student my age to help us with the competition because of her past experience. this girl was an old classmate of mine from elementary school, but I hadn’t interacted with her since I was a 4th grader, since my school separated males and females at 5th grade. As soon as she started helping us with practice, I started developing feelings for her. Despite this, I always lower my gaze around her and treat her with respect. Our relationship is purely professional, and all we talk about is the competition. The problem was that the longer the practice went on, the stronger my feelings got, and it’s getting to the point where it is distracting me from my studies. I sometimes even catch myself fantasizing about marrying her in the future when I’m older. I know these thoughts are outlandish and fantasy, but part of me seems to believe they are real, and tells me to keep in contact till college and ask to marry her. I know I’m too young for any interests to be a viable option for marriage or anything but I still think about the whole situation a lot. I’m totally lost on what to do.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
What you are experiencing is something quite normal for the situation that you are in. Alhamdulilah, you are clearly aware of the necessity to lower your gaze and maintain modesty in this situation to avoid falling into haram.
However, it does also seem that some of the damage has already been done in that your thoughts are now interrupting your study and causing you to have thoughts that may in time lead to haram if you are not careful.
The important thing at this point is that you are clearly wise and have realized how this is affecting you and you have reached out for help. In sha Allah this will work towards protecting you from harm and potential sin.
Firstly, and most importantly, keep turning to Allah to protect you from falling into sin as a result. Continue to protect your gaze and do all you can to prevent yourself falling into sin. Fasting for example is something recommended to deal with such thoughts and feelings.
If you feel that you cannot overcome these thoughts and feeling even after taking such measures, for the sake of Allah and your own protection you may even consider giving this up to avoid any sin. Allah will replace it with something better for you, in sha Allah.
It may be very difficult, but if it is not essential for you, it may be more pleasing to Allah if you quit it. It will also free you from such thoughts and feelings as well as steering you away from landing in situations that may induce similar feelings again. It is a lesson that could be very beneficial for you despite the difficulties you are facing managing the situation right now.
You might look into alternative teams that you could join that do the same thing, or a team that does something entirely different but that is coached by a male. You may even find that these alternatives may be something even more enjoyable for you that you hadn’t thought of before and that this situation actually pushed you towards an alternative solution that was far better for you.
On the other extreme, although it may be far from an option right now given your age at educational status, it is actually still a possibility that you could marry ideally with the support of loved ones, whether it is to her, or someone else. This may seem farfetched, it is an option to consider, even if for a moment. Whilst unlikely, it is still important to cover all options to be sure that you don’t look back with regrets.
May Allah reward you for seeking His pleasure and behaving in the way that is in line with Islamic values for His sake. May He be pleased with you and keep you guided aright. May He grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right and may He protect you from falling into sin for the sake of pleasing Him.
Wednesday, May. 03, 2023 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
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