Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh and ameen to your duas,

 

We often have parents writing in who have problems with their children from young ages, and even up until teenage years. It’s more unusual to hear of such difficulties at an older age, although not unheard of so you’re not totally alone.

 

It seems that right now whatever you do and however you try to help her she just Disrespect you back. This is understandably causing you a lot of distress. Perhaps it’s time to try and manage the situation a different way if you feel that nothing is working right now.

 

When you have prolonged troubles with someone the best way to begin is to try and see things from their perspective to try and identify why they are behaving the way they are towards you. This will help you to develop a sense of empathy for them and place you in a position to manage her behavior in a way that you feel she may be more responsive to as you are able to see things from her point of view. So, for example, her behavior seems quite controlling, which comes across as disrespectful.

 

Living with you, her parents, perhaps she is feeling like she has little control because she must live by your rules. So she should, because it is your house and she should respect that. But, as a fully grown woman perhaps she feels uncomfortable not being able to live by her own rules so to gain back the control she feels she doesn’t she is seemingly being disobedient and disrespectful. Her behavior is disrespectful, but at least if you can understand the potential reasons why like this then it is easier to approach her in a way that may be more helpful for everyone. So, if this is the reason behind her behavior perhaps a bit of negotiation between you would be a useful way to allow her to have her voice heard so that she feels her place in the house is respected as well as getting a chance to have her say as well as you yours.

 

For example, regarding her laziness around the house, perhaps give her the chance to go out and pick what she wants to eat and be the one to cook and prepare it for the family. This way, she gets the choice of what is to be eaten, and you get to see your daughter more involved in the household chores. If she is given this choice and independence then maybe she is more likely to step up and help out.

 

It may be the same scenario regarding marriage. Perhaps she feels she has little control over who she is to marry and this is why she is disregarding your choices without even meeting them. Maybe this is her indirect way of exhibiting control in this situation. So, again, maybe handing her back some control and having her get more involved from the start might help.

 

These are more gentler ways to try and manage her behavior by understanding her perspective. In sha Allah, this will help to evoke some changes. However, if they don’t work, you could try the absolute opposite approach and be a lot more harsh. Obviously, this comes with a lot more risk, so take this approach with caution. But, if it’s getting to the point where the family is on the verge of breaking down then maybe she needs this wake up call. You are her parents and she should respect you as long as you are not being abusive or pushing her away from Islam.

 

So, for example, you don’t have to cook for her, instead, you can leave everything for her to cook for herself. Or, you could even go far as to take a nice holiday with your husband for 2 purposes. Firstly to get a break and have some time to relax by yourselves and then go back feeling refreshed and better able to manage the situation, and it gives her the time to herself to also reflect on her own behavior as well as be in a position where she is forced to take care of herself. It might be the boost she needs to realize the extent of her behavior as you will no longer be there for the short time to support her.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and guide her on the straight path. May He bring happiness and contentment in your family.