Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

You’ve had difficulty within the family from such a young age, that continues today only perhaps in a slightly different way. Alhamdulilah, you are old enough now to be in a position to be apart from that physically, but the emotional difficulties still exist.

 

The unfortunate thing in your case is that you are the one who is suffering the consequences of feeling bad for both your mum and dad, yet the source of the problem was not started by you. You should not feel guilty about anything, although it is understandable that it might feel like having contact with one parent or the other makes you feel concerned that your upsetting the other, as well as generally feeling sad for what they are both going through.

 

Of course, Islamically, we are ordered to maintain family ties and there are reasons behind this importance. As an adult now, this does n necessarily mean you have to see and talk to all family members every day, but you can still keep contact on a less intensive level. Now we have mobile phones t a quick phone call is enough to uphold ties without having to even see each other.

 

Family difficulties that you have encountered can take a long time to overcome. Maybe in some time as you grow older and settle down you will feel more inclined to see your father more often, especially as he gets older. Whilst you get yourself together and overcome past difficulties you could just maintain the ties in this more casual way.

 

If it’s possible that you could get in contact with someone from the local mosque who may be willing to spend time with your dad more casually to be a positive influence on him this could be helpful. Social support can be a good way to help overcome the clear anger issues that your father has battled with for such a long time.

 

If he has a friend who could be a good influence on him and inspire him to act on the Deen instead of becoming angry, this could be a healthy first step in him overcoming his anger, especially since it has been going on a while and may take time to break free from. This may encourage him then Tonge out more and be in the company of good people who will encourage him to behave more appropriately.

 

Alhamdulilah, you have found someone that you want to marry so you have the chance now tons tart your own family life. You have been through so much turmoil through childhood up until now, but you can try and use this experience positively to ensure that your own family that you will nurture does not go through the same. You know how it felt first hand to be in that scenario so you can do all you can to strive to nurture more calm and loving household.

You have been through a lot of trauma from such a young age and the trouble still continues to some extent today. I would highly recommend seeking some counseling for this. Even if it is just to give you a space to talk through everything that you have been through for such a long time.

 

This will also make it easier for you to decide how to deal with your family members as you come to terms with and learn how to manage and express your emotions relating to the situation. As you prepare to start a new life it will be useful to ensure that you have dealt with these issues to make sure that any emotions you are now feeling will not interfere with your ability to live a happy life from here on.

 

You’ve spent so much of your life worrying about others, so now it’s time to think about yourself. Do things you enjoy and take care of yourself. Worrying about others may have prevented you from doing these things, but now it’s time to think of yourself too. Taking care of yourself, having hobbies, being with people will all contribute towards a healthy recovery and positive future.

 

May Allah bring ease in your family and soften all of your hearts for one another that there will be no ill feelings and family ties can be built once more.