Counseling Live Session

Salaam `Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

You can find the answers below:

Feel free to send your questions to [email protected]

Q: Assalam alaykum,

I am feeling very depressed this Ramadan. Till now I haven’t been able to fully accept that I will most probably be spending Eid all alone and at home. Any tips on how to overcome this?

Ramadan Mubarak,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am sorry to hear you are feeling depressed this Ramadan. As Muslims we are used to having more social times during Ramadan. It is after all, one of our most sacred and important holidays. Customary, we look forward to having iftars at the Masjid, with family or friends, going to visit others at their homes, or inviting people to our home. We also look forward to breaking fast and praying together at the Masjid. 

Unusual Circumstances 

As this Ramadan has unusual circumstances because of the pandemic, we are unable to be together. You are not alone in how you feel.  Many Muslims worldwide are feeling the same sense of isolation. However, insha’Allah we can ease these feelings of loneliness by connecting more online. 

Connecting Online

I realize connecting online is not an optimal solution however it is one for now. I would kindly suggest that you seek out Muslim groups online who are providing a support to one another during Ramadan. Please ensure they are valid and properly moderated. You may also wish to see if you’re Masjid or another Masjid, is streaming live khutbahs and prayers. While you cannot pray behind an Imam online you can listen and pray away from the screen. 

Finding out what are Restrictions

You may also wish to see if there are restrictions being lifted where you live regarding gatherings.  It may be possible to meet with 10 or fewer Muslims friends using social distancing and masks, preferably in an outdoor location for reading Qur’an together, having iftars and prayers. This of course will depend upon the laws in your city.

Using Time Wisely

 As this is a time of isolation, it should also be a time of deeper contemplation. I kindly suggest that you try to use this time alone to intensify your study and worship. This is our time without interruptions of our usual daily routines, to really focus Ramadan and its meaning in a fully uninterrupted way. In fact, this may be a blessing if we look at it this way. 

Charity Work

Insha’Allah you may also wish to do some charity work such as helping to feed the homeless or providing food or other resources for those in need. There are organizations who are in compliance with the mandates of the lock down yet are still managing to have very small charity drives which provide food, masks, toiletries, etc. to those in need. This may help you feel better by providing a sense of helping others as well as providing you with the company of others who seek to do good works.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah, we will be able to gather for Eid if even in small numbers, only Allah knows. Yes, many are lonely. We are not used to this. Perhaps this is a time given to us though as Muslims, to strengthen our resolve and really focus on the points of Ramadan.  We think we are alone, yet we are not-we are with Allah-so we are not alone. We wish you the best.

Q: Assalam alaykum,

My husband wants to take a trip to meet up with his extended family. He is fasting and the drive is long. I don’t want to go along with him, because while fasting I won’t be able to take the long drive. How should I tell him without upsetting him? 

Ramadan Mubarak,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. Sister I can understand your concerns about your husband wanting to take a trip to meet up with his extended family. As you know when one fast and travels, the fasting does not apply for the travel days. 

Traveling and Fasting

However, if you and your husband were to travel and you did not fast, you both would have to make up those days by fasting other days or by feeding people. AboutIslam (1) states “It is religiously permissible for one who travels about 85 km (53 mi) or more to break his fast in Ramadan provided that one compensates by fasting other days after Ramadan.” The Qur’an states “Almighty Allah says, “… and whosoever of you is sick or on a journey, (let him fast the same) number of other days. Allah desires for you ease; He desires not hardship for you; and (He desires) that ye should complete the period, and that ye should magnify Allah for having guided you, and that peradventure ye may be thankful.” (Al-Baqarah 2:185)” (1). 

Long Trips

If your husband is to take a long trip and drive, it is obvious that he should not fast as it may be dangerous for driving. In regards to you, you can go with him and you can choose to fast or not depending on how you feel.  As your husband will probably be driving it will be harder on him. If you do not drive it may not be as hard on you. Only  you and Allah know best and Allah is most merciful and you are not obligated to fast while traveling sister. Again, as stated you just have to make up the days you missed or feed people for each day that you do not fast.

Other Reasons

 If there are other reasons that you do not want to go with your husband I would kindly consider being honest with him and speaking with him about your reservations. If you are uncomfortable or you would rather just stay home and focus on Ramadan, fasting, prayer, and your relationship with Allah swt then that is your option.  Your husband should be more than willing to accommodate your desire to draw closer to Allah. If there are other reasons why you do not want to go such as you are uncomfortable around his extended family, please do speak with him. Allah forgive me if I am wrong, however if you do not speak upon the things that are making you uncomfortable (if this is the case), then it will never be resolved. Good communication in marriage is very important. If this is the case sister, insha’Allah please do approach him and speak with him about your feelings in a loving way. Insha’Allah he will be most accommodating, merciful, loving, and help resolve any issues. We wish you the best.

1. https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/acts-of-worship/intending-to-travel-when-to-skip-fast/

Q: As-salaamu ‘alaykum,

Sometime back, I discussed and decided with my wife to give her money every month. Mainly it is the sum of house expenses, house rent, shopping, money to be saved for gifts and her own pocket money. We agreed on an amount for each type and the total of these is what she should get every month.  Recently we had an argument on what to do with unused money. My point of view is for any money left from house expenses, rent and shopping/gifting, we both should decide how to use it. But this makes her feel like I am putting restrictions on her and not giving her freedom to use money. She is of the opinion that the money I am giving her, she should be in full control of that. And she should be able to decide how to spend any leftovers. She talks about my money and her money as if what I am earning is all my money and what I giving her is her money. My point is I am earning for my whole family and it is not only my money. But yes, there is some part I spend on my parents and some I take out to spend on my family. And we both should decide how to spend my family portion.

Her pocket money is out of this. She has full control on how to spend that and I am even ok if she does not tell me about it.  Please advise if my opinion is correct in light of teachings of Islam. 

Ramadan Mubarak,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am sorry to hear about the situation with your wife and finances. Delegating household finances and handling expenses is never easy. 

Agreements

As I understand your situation, you both agreed on an amount of money for each type of expense. There is also an amount of money there included for just her. It appears that there is some money left over after paying all of the bills and purchasing other things needed. There is unused money left over every month. Your suggestion on how to use the leftover money is one that seems fair for both of you. 

Fairness

From your point of view, any of the money left over should be spent according to how you both decide it should be used. However according to her, she feels like you’re putting restrictions on her and not giving her the freedom to use the money. Insha’Allah if you both sat down when things were calm and each of you made a list of how you would like the leftover money to be spent, perhaps she could see the value in the sharing of ideas. 

Perhaps Wife has Additional Expenses

As your wife already has a portion of money that is hers that you give her, perhaps she feels she needs more money for whatever reason. You may want to ask her if she needs more spending money for her personal use. Perhaps there are things she needs or wants but is afraid to ask you. Marriage requires good communication. Should that be the case-that she does desire a little bit more money for things for her personal use, she should feel as if she can talk to you about it . You sound like a very kind and reasonable husband and I am sure that once you sit down and talk with her when things are calm this will be worked out insha’Allah. 

Conclusion

Insha’Allah brother, try to find out (in a non-judgmental way) if she does need extra money. If so and you can afford it, it may make her happy to have a bit more each month. Regarding the current extra money, it is only fair that the both of you decide how it will be spent. Insha’Allah makes a list of ways to spend it, agree on 3 items from each of your lists (6 options). Cut the lists into separate sections, fold them and put them in a bowl. From this bowl, you pick one and have your wife pick one. This can be a way of determining how to spend the money—in a fun way! We wish you the best.

Q: Assalam alaykum,

I have a huge problem in that many women have walked away from relationships with me. The reason is simple: I am too shy to converse with them. The underlying cause is I do not have the capability to support a wife because I have been dealing with erectile dysfunction for 3 years now. I also have schizophrenia and the medication I take is known to cause weaker sexual function. The biggest problem is that I used to be at my prime at the age of 10 or younger because I was innocent. However a man and woman are built to reproduce and unfortunately that is the reason I am seeking counsel. My issue is i want to take Cialis which will insha Allah cure Erectile Dysfunction. I want to be able to satisfy my wife. I am afraid however as i am now 27 years old that if i don’t take that step now i never will. I have been going over the same thought on and off for 2 years as to should i tell my family doctor my issues or should i just self medicate. Therefore a great amount of time has gone from me just saying should i or shouldn’t i, even though it is so important. My family doctor about a year ago told me he would take my testosterone levels and so he did. Then he referred me to a urologist, however, due to not being sure I cancelled the appointment. I am stuck in a 3 year long rut where i could have been cured of erectile dysfunction but i just keep procrastinating. It has made me extremely depressed. There is a online store that sells Cialis even though it is highly recommended to get a prescription from a family doctor first, me being me since there is a short time between scheduling an appointment and getting a response it feels like ages and i just want to take the medication by purchasing it instead of getting a prescription for it. Sincere advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ramadan Mubarak,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am sorry to hear about the situation that you are in regarding shyness, your mental health, ability to earn a living, as well as sexual dysfunction. Reading your question, you seem to be very insightful and well-educated regarding your options. You also seem to be stable concerning your schizophrenia Alhamdulillah. 

Insecurities vs Confidence

Brother, with all respect to you, erectile dysfunction should not prevent you from working at a job. Could it be that you are insecure or lack self-confidence to work? I may be wrong but I feel that you are a very capable young man! If you can over-come your insecurities and gain confidence, you may find that your goals and wishes to get married are coming true. 

Sexual Peaks

Another point you made which I wish to correct is that you feel your prime for sexual performance was age 10. You stated, “The biggest problem is that I used to be at my prime at the age of 10 or younger because I was innocent”. Brother, at this age you were a child and as a child, no sexual activity should have been taking place. We were not created as children with peak sexual drives and yes children are innocent and should be protected from those seeking sexual behaviors. At any rate, men usually hit a prime in late teens to twenties. However prime does not mean it is the only window time for marital pleasure or children. It just means it’s a peak, and in the context of our long lifespan as humans insha’Allah, this peak is a brief very period of time. Yet, people have enjoyed sexual relations after “peaks”  for many decades. You are in fact young and you have many, many years of enjoyable intimate times with a wife.

Thinking of Internet Medication

If you are thinking about getting married, it sounds like you have covered a lot of important points and are preparing well. Having insecurities about sexual functioning in marriage is normal as it is a new experience. I will kindly advise however but you do not purchase any medications over the internet. They usually are not regulated and you never know what you are getting, or there may be contaminants in them. Additionally, you do not know what strength they actually are. It is always best to get medication through your doctor. 

Speak with your Doctor

I kindly advise you insha’Allah to speak with your doctor about the side effect of impotence for the medication. Please do not be shy, as I’m sure your doctor his heard these questions before especially if this is a common side-effect, which I’m sure it is. Your doctor should be able to prescribe you something that will help you with this issue and keep you from harm regarding internet experimentation. Brother please do make an appointment with your physician discuss the issues you are having and your concerns. I kindly suggest that you write down all of your questions in a notebook before you go so that you do not forget anything you’d like to ask him. Ensure that you do take down notes as he is speaking as well. Insha’Allah, I am confident that if you trust your doctor and discuss with him your problem with the medication, he will be able to help you. 

Conclusion

While this may seem to be a huge issue and I’m sure it is in some ways, there are solutions. I encourage you to choose safe solutions such as speaking with your doctor. I am sure that any future wife will be very supportive and understanding of any issues you may have, just like you would be supportive and understanding of any issues she would have. That is what marriage is about, mercy, love, support, kindness, and understanding. We wish you the best We wish you the best

Q: As salamalakum,

I am in a long distance relationship and I speak to my wife everyday on the phone since we got married. 14 months to be exact. The question that I would like to ask why does my wife not show her face to me on video calls. I have not seen her since I was married and I have questioned her about this but she always says no. I told her how I feel but the answer is no. 

Ramadan Mubarak,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. As I understand your situation you are in a long-distance relationship with your wife. You do speak with her every day on the phone since you got married, however your wife does not show her face to you on video calls. You stated that you have not seen her since you were married and you do not know why. 

Wife Refuses to Show Face to Husband in video Chat

Brother I’m sorry to hear about the mystery and the conflict surrounding the video calls. You stated that you did see her so you do know what she looks like. You have questioned her about why she will not show her face on the video and she refuses to give an answer nor will she comply with your request to see her. 

Speak with Family

Brother as you are not getting anywhere with your wife at the current moment regarding being able to see her visually, I would kindly advise you to consider speaking to her mother or another family member that you feel close to. Perhaps they can help you find out why it is that she will not let you see her face in the video.

Possible Reasons

 There is nothing Haram about seeing your wife’s face in video chat because you are married. Still, for some reason she does not want to show her face. There could be many reasons for this such as perhaps she is afraid somebody else can see the video, perhaps she is shy, perhaps she feels self-conscious, or maybe she has never really video chatted before and is nervous. There can be plenty of reasons however you may not know what the reason is unless you seek the assistance from somebody in her family. 

Conclusion

Brother please do contact one of your wife’s relatives who are close to her. Perhaps they know the reason why or they can find out from her, and talk to her, and make her feel more comfortable on the video camera. I kindly ask that you do not get upset with her, practice patience, even though it is a strange behavior as you are her husband.  As we never know one’s reasons for doing a certain thing, we cannot judge. Please do seek some answers from one of her family members and try to encourage her as best as you can. Try to make her feel comfortable when she’s talking with you and chatting on the video. Insha’Allah, one of her relatives can offer some insight as to her reasons for not wanting to show her face, and you can deal with the situation from that point. We wish you the best.

Q: Assalamualaikum,

I recently met a gentleman (M) who I quickly clicked with. In less than two months, we have made the intention to marry and have asked our parents and family for their guidance and blessings, which they have happily given. Alhumdulillah. We are currently waiting for life to return to as normal as possible to proceed with the engagement and nikkah quickly after that. Inshallah.

However, today the M and I had a huge fight in which he accused me of being a cheater and a liar. He was so angry that he used some very ugly words towards me. These past three days have been very rough for us. He has been on edge it seems and keeps making comments on how I’m being manipulative and acting all cool and taking him for granted. If I text him too much he gets mad and if I don’t text him enough he gets mad. Tonight, he asked me what I was doing and I replied I was helping a friend with some school work. He asked questions about the friend and I answered honestly. Because the friend and I had some brief history, he asked me to stop helping. So I texted the friend and explained the situation. I thought the issue was over but then M started video calling me randomly to check in. I missed one call because my friend had called asking what had happened. When I noticed the missed call I hung up on my friend and called M. M exploded like I said earlier and just tore me down using lots of explicit words. I tried to explain my part but he just got angrier and angrier. He finally hung up and told me to think about whether I want to continue this relationship and call him tomorrow. I called my dad and explained the situation of what has been happening over the past 3 days. My dad told me that I was in the wrong for helping a friend and that M was justified in his anger. (I didn’t tell my dad about the cursing.) I texted M and apologized for helping my friend and that there was no cheating of any kind going on and that I would be more cognizant of who I talk to in the future. M said that he will drop the subject but that I should watch what I do carefully. He ended the conversation with if I ever double cross him intentionally or unintentionally he will leave me. I asked what that meant and he said you’ll just have to learn.

I am worried about what he means. Until these past three days he has been nothing but kind and respectful and sweet to me. I recognize my part in helping a person who I had history with was not good and had created doubt in M and mine relationship.  I have prayed everyday to make sure I am making the right decision and my heart has always been full and happy. But after the cursing and disgusting name calling I don’t know anymore. I know I have to regain his trust and I’m willing to put in the work but I feel like I will have to walk on eggshells because I don’t know what he means about unintentionally double crossing him.  Should I let the fight lie as is? Or should I bring it up in a few days and ask him to define his words so I can make sure to not cross a line? Or is this all just a huge red flag? I am so confused and I don’t think I can tell anyone about the language he used towards me. I have spent the night asking Allah for guidance. What should I do? Thank you.

Ramadan Mubarak,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. Sister I’m very sorry to hear how things have turned towards the negative with your fiancé. I understand that at first you were very happy with him and both your families gave their blessings. You have been eager for life to return to normal so you can proceed with the engagement and the nikkah. However, during this time, you have seen another side of him. 

Fiancée Displaying Abusive Tendencies

You stated that you and your fiancé got into a fight and he accused you of being a cheater and a liar. You said he was very angry and used some very ugly words towards you. He also accused you of being manipulative and taking him for granite. According to you, it appears that you cannot do anything right. If you text him too much he gets angry, if you don’t text him he gets angry. It appears he doesn’t trust you. This was brought on recently as you were helping a friend with some homework and he found out. Unfortunately, you used bad judgement and you were helping a friend whom you used to like. You were wrong to do so sister but what is done is done, I am sure you realized your mistake and apologized. We all make errors. The point is to learn from them and not repeat them. 

Right to be Upset

While your fiancé has every right to be upset, he does not have the right to be emotionally abusive. He became explosive and used a lot of explicit words. He basically threatened to end the relationship. He then warned you that you should watch what you do carefully and that if you ever double-cross him he will leave you. 

A Sign

 Sister I would look at this as a sign. I would also look at this as a blessing. You are not married to him yet alhumdulilah. Based on his actions prior to nikkah, he has shown himself to be angry, emotionally abusive, volatile, and mean spirited. Do you really want to marry somebody like this? To me this would be a huge red flag. I would dread to think what marriage would be like to him. 

Conclusion

Based on what you have written, it appears that if you married him it could turn into an abusive situation as in domestic violence. I urge you sister to think about this very carefully and cautiously. If this man feels comfortable enough to treat you this way and you have only known him for two months, how do you think he would treat you when you’re married?  Sister, please do think very hard about this. I kindly suggest you sit down with your parents or someone that you trust and discuss this with them. I cannot advise you to go forward with a marriage based on his volatile and emotionally abusive actions towards you.  Please do think carefully about this, it could be a warning sign. We wish you the best.

Tuesday, May. 05, 2020 | 07:00 - 08:00 GMT

Session is over.
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