As salamu alaykum,
Shokran for writing to our live session brother. As I understand your situation you are classmates with a girl whom you have liked for the past few months. You are thinking about asking for her hand in marriage after you graduate from college, but you are confused. You state that she is very kind, pretty, and a good Muslim but she does not wear a hijab.
Brother if she is a good Muslim, keeps her prayers, fasts during Ramadan, treats other people with respect, kindness, and caring, guards her chastity and modesty, does works of charity, as well as other Islamic requirements and attributes, then insha’Allah you may seriously consider marrying her. While not wearing a hijab is not in alignment with what Muslim women are supposed to follow, it is certainly not an indication of her being a bad Muslim. There are some sisters who do wear hijab all the time as well as abaya’s for covering, yet they do not keep their prayers, or they may engage in backbiting, gossiping about others, or other sinful behaviors. What I’m trying to explain is that a Muslims exterior does not always reflect the interior heart and spirituality.
Character and Goodness
Brother, I kindly urge you to get to know her in a halal way to determine her character first. If her character is as you say, she would make a wonderful wife insha’Allah. In time you may wish to speak to her about wearing hijab. Perhaps not wearing hijab is common in her family. It may be that it is not something that she truly thought deeply about, and instead focused on her relationship with Allah, kindness to others, as well as other nice qualities that Muslim women should have. It may be that when you do discuss hijab with her insha’Allah, she will understand its significance and importance. You may wish to explain this to her from a spiritual perspective rather than one from a jealous position (as you stated you were jealous) so she does not feel as if it is a condition or order. Insha’Allah she will respond favorably. If she does not, however, you may wish to consider whether or not all of her good qualities outweigh this one deficit. When considering this please do consider your issues with jealousy to ensure that you would be able to treat her with respect and dignity should she decide not to wear hijab.
Marriage, Trust, Jealousy
As marriage is built on kindness, trust, and mercy, Insha’Allah anyone that is your wife (hijab or no hijab) you should have trust in. Usually, jealousy stems from one’s own lack of self-esteem and fear of losing something or someone. In this case, it is related to the showing of hair and sexual attraction because of it, and possible fear of loss. Insha’Allah if you do decide to approach her for marriage and you do discuss hijab, you may wish to point out the spiritual requirements as well as give her illustrations of the prophet’s wives as well as current illustrations of Muslim women in today’s society. You may also wish to examine if it is jealousy that bothers you about her not wearing hijab. Hijab is not meant to benefit a husband in terms of jealousy but is between a woman and her Lord. If you are concerned that she is not in compliance with hijab and you worry about her spirituality, that is more reasonable. Please do examine your motives regarding her wearing a hijab.
Accountability for One’s Wife
As far as Allah holding you accountable if she does not wear hijab, it is my understanding that we are all individually accountable to Allah for what we do or don’t do. Given this premise, she will be accountable to Allah not you. However, I am not in Islamic scholar so please do ask our “Ask the Scholar” section for further clarification on this.
Brother, she sounds like a wonderful sister and it sounds as if she would make a good wife insha’Allah. She sounds very pious and of a good character. Please do get to know her and her family in a halal way before making a final decision. If you find that indeed her character is what you think it is, insha’Allah discuss the hijab with her. Please respect what she chooses regarding wearing the hijab. It is actually between her and Allah. If you decide to accept her not wearing a hijab and decided to focus on her inner spirituality and goodness and kindness and her relationship with Allah, alhamdulillah. If you feel that you cannot get over worrying about her deen, or jealousy about her hair being shown, perhaps you should think of marrying somebody who does wear a hijab. Whichever way it works out brother, may Allah bless you in your efforts.
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.