As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session sister. I am sorry to hear about the fight that your husband and you had over your daughters. It is even more disturbing to hear that he hit you. While it is common for couples to argue periodically in a marriage, it is totally unacceptable to use violence as a means to express anger.

Islam and Domestic Violence

As you know, in Islam violence against a wife is forbidden. If we look at our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), we can see that he treated all his wives with tenderness and the utmost respect and kindness. He even stated that “the best among you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you as I am the best to mine”.  Additionally, there are many verses and hadith referring to treating wives with mercy, kindness, and tenderness. Regarding the verse in al-Nisa 4:34 regarding a husband hitting a wife, it states he should admonish her, forsaking her in bed and as a last resort hit her. Hitting one’s wife in the Qur’an is not as most understand it today. The term hitting is meant in the context of not causing pain, injury or harshness. In fact, some hadith refer to using a siwak which is very small and would be more like a tap, not a hit. It is clear however that the prophet (PBUH) was kind and non-violent even with those who sought to harm him with the exception of battle and even then, there were rules which centered around treating captured prisoners with kindness.

Anger Issues

Sister, you stated the argument started because your daughters were playing dress up and wearing makeup.  Your husband did not like this. I do not know how old your children are sister, but I do agree with you that the children should feel comfortable in their home and be free to play dress up and try new things as long as it is not haram. Playing with makeup is not haram, therefore your husband appears to have over reacted to the situation. It is quite possible based on your husband’s response which was so intense and turned violent, that there may be other things that are bothering him and making him angry. Surely little girls playing with makeup should not have resulted in such an intense argument and violence. Perhaps he is having problems on his job or elsewhere within his life. Despite this possibility, it is no excuse for him to hit you.

Speaking with Daughters

I am not sure if your children witnessed this violence, but I hope not. Being a victim of violence or witnessing violence within the home has a devastating effect on children. Insha’Allah you did speak with your daughters if they saw what happened and discuss with them how they are feeling, as well as from an Islamic perspective explain that it is haram for a husband to hit a wife. Please do use the Quran and Hadith to illustrate to your daughter’s how women should be treated. In addition to your well-being and safety, your girls need to know that yelling, severe arguments and domestic violence are not acceptable ways of living and it is not acceptable for a husband to treat his wife like that. You don’t want them to grow up thinking that this is the norm.

Moving Forward

As far as your husband goes, I would kindly suggest that you do approach him insha’Allah. This is not a signal that you accept what happened sister, but a way to ensure this does not happen again-ever. It is being proactive. You may want to request that the two of you sit down and talk about what happened. I kindly suggest that you use the Quran and Hadith for proofs and foundations for a non-violent marriage. You may want to discuss the way the prophet (PBUH) treated his wives and mention that he never hit them. As most men strive to be like our beloved Prophet (PBUH), perhaps this will remind him. Inshallah he will sincerely apologize for this one incident and you can move on. However, I do suggest that you both go for marriage counseling to learn more effective communication techniques. It is also recommended that your husband go for counseling to deal with his anger and learn how to manage it in a better way.

Domestic Violence

Should this happen again sister I would highly suggest that you consider separating. Oftentimes domestic violence continues if there is no intervention. Domestic violence does tend to get worse with time, and your safety and your children’s safety is a priority. Please do speak with him about the seriousness of domestic violence both spiritually and legally, as well as the possibility of going for counseling. Ensure that he knows you love him, but he should also understand you will not be a victim of domestic violence. You are in our prayers dear sister, please do let us know how things turn out.