Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for sharing your concerns in our section, Ask the Counselor.

Check out the 7 questions our counselor, Sr. Aisha Mohammad, just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Extramarital Affair

Married now for 16 and a half yrs.Couple of years back we were both unemployed. We decided whoever finds a job first will do so unroll he gets into a stable and permanent job. I was employed and was working for 3 months when he started accusing me of having an affair with my boss. It’s been 9 years. He is still accusing me. Almost 2 years ago he started having an affair with another Muslim girl and promised me that there was nothing happening between them and only friendship was in order. After we discovered what I was expecting and a month after that, he called me from work, telling me he needed to confess. He found someone and he believes she can be a second wife. She applied for a teaching job abroad, but while getting things in order my husband would buy and supply and run to her every beck.

While he was spending on her,using his hard earned money. He would go to welfare and get money for our household. She eventually left but now wants to come home as she says she can’t live without him. This weekend he sent all his salary to her so she can book a flight back. Money that was to be paid as its our rent and utilities. 

We have 5 kids. Few months back he told me he wanted nothing to do with her anymore and I was right. She had a pregnancy that Allah discontinued, according to her, she had a miscarriage. And this is obviously around the time after I found out I’m expecting our last born.

I keep forgiving him, but he calls me names in front of our kids. He defamed my name by being abusive, physically, mentally. I am at my wits, as every time things just become normal again she ends up contacting him and our lives are upside down again. He says he’ll never leave me. And she will never reach my status. But he feels obliged according to himself to look after her as we lost his child, which I doubt ever was. She gets him to give money for anything anytime.

Question 2. Choosing Career

What should a person consider when choosing a career to pursue?

ANSWER

Question 3. Difficulty in accepting the fact that I am circumcised and that is normal.

I am a Muslim and got circumcised in the childhood, I don’t even remember the incident because I was so small at that time, but when I grew up I came to know about it since then I started feel betrayed and distressed I don’t know why, knowing the fact that being circumcised is sunnah and I know the benefits and all and I also support circumcision in every sense, still I always think it would be better if someone has asked for my consent, or i could have got to choose it myself instead of accepting it without a choice, my mind is just not ready to accept that I am circumcised and that is normal, I always think wish I could have experienced the natural state of not being circumcised, I live in India during my schooling I felt shy and embarrassed to use public toilets, and I knew they are not circumcised like me and we were different, I wish I could feel complete like them I feel jealous of them sometimes and this thing affect me very much, although I am not against circumcision or any Islamic religious practice in anyway, but this thought does not get off my mind and constantly hold me back and grip me, I does everything to get out of this but it’s been more than 30 years with such thoughts and it hurts or make me sad deep somewhere inside, I wish I could have been asked for my choice, wish I could feel how it feels like without circumcision being completely natural, I feel depressed and to some extent this thing psychologically affect me and my marital life also since it greatly affects my mood and sexuality in a negative way, I tried to get this thing of my mind yet it is always there and thoughts come back in sometime again, hence when i came to know about foreskin restoration I felt hopeful, I was looking forward to reverse my circumcision or restore my foreskin, which is a natural process without any surgery or danger, being a Muslim am I allowed to do so? Considering my situation if this improves my life emotionally. I always hesitate to put forward my thoughts I don’t want to be judged negatively, I am not against Islam in anyways, I love my Deen and I am proud, even I myself promote Islamic teachings and values but people could see me as I am against and one of the scholars once told me that this would be greater sin Kabeera, also clarify on this, Thank you.

ANSWER

Question 4. My Wife has no desire

Assalamu alaikum, I got married 12 years back. My wife has had no desire for the last 2 to 3 months due to stress and emotional hurt, due to an incident that happened 11 years back with my brother. The incident was when my wife and my brother fought over a very small issue and my brother abused her. I stopped my brother by saying you cannot say such language to your sister in law but I didn’t hit my brother, so now my wife says you didn’t stopped your brother you all are same

Since last 11 year this issue occurred time to time but I asked forgiveness and matter just come down but this time it’s not going away, normally she is talking and working absolutely fine but when I asked for intimacy she start repeating all old fight and it ends with big fight, I have a 9 year daughter so leaving her or 2nd marriage is not an option for me.  Kindly help me with a wayout for my sexual desires fulfillment within Sharia law.

ANSWER

Question 5. Navigating Engagement

Hello, I’m a 24-year-old man. Alhamdulillah, I have a successful business, a house, and a car. My parents have always expressed their desire to find a girl for me to marry, and I’ve never pursued a relationship myself.

About a year ago, my parents found a girl they thought would be a good match for me, and after evaluating her character, I agreed. The girl’s family also agreed, but her mother mentioned she hadn’t informed her daughter yet, which I found strange. After a month, the girl was told, and our families began meeting.

However, I’ve never interacted with the girl directly, and she hasn’t connected with my sisters either. My sisters have tried their best to talk to her during our meetings, but her mother always interrupts and doesn’t allow them to speak unless she is present. I always thought that if she didn’t want to talk to me alone, that was fine, but I don’t understand why she won’t interact with my sisters either. The atmosphere remains very formal, and I don’t even know who she is—what she likes, her hobbies, or what kind of companion she wants. We’ve never interacted or even exchanged greetings.

Recently, while I was abroad, my mother spoke with the girl’s mother about visiting their home. The girl’s mother said she only wanted my parents to come, excluding my brother-in-law, which caused my mother to feel anxious. She’s worried that the girl might behave like her mother.

We’ve been engaged for a year, but we hardly know the girl—her interests, priorities, or even how she feels about the engagement. Although I believe her character is good, her mother’s behavior is concerning.

Given the situation, should we call off the engagement, or should we discuss our concerns with the girl and her family? I would like to get married soon, ideally in January or February, but the ongoing tension is troubling.

What do you suggest we do?

ANSWER

Question 6. Struggling with little brother

Assalamu Alaikum. I’m concerned about my little brother, who doesn’t seem to take his Islamic practices seriously. He rarely prays, only attends Jummah occasionally, and often shows displeasure when asked to recite Quran or discuss religious topics. He also reacts negatively when I mention that music is Haram etc and can be rude to me and our parents. Also plays games with uncovered cartoonist characters, and laughs when I tell him something is Haram and he is doing it. Also hits for no reason when touching, doesn’t allow you to hug or touch him. What steps can I take to help him become more engaged in his faith, encourage him to pray regularly, and foster a respectful attitude towards religious discussions? I pray, but his parents, excluding his mom, don’t try to be regular in prayers. And calls me molvi sometimes offensively like his parents even though I am still trying to learn essentials I haven’t been taught properly or even at all mostly like obligatory, and sunnah acts in Salah, Pillars of Salah, 99 names of Allah etc.

ANSWER

Question 7. Drug Addict Husband

Asalamoalykum,I’ve been married for 7 years.  I found out that my husband is a drug addict when I was 6 months pregnant. I was completely broken. I saw messages on his phone.  He doesn’t come home after doing drugs for 12 hrs sometimes for 2 ,3 days he doesn’t come home. When I confronted him he apologized and cried hard and made a promise that he will never do this so I forgave him for Allah swt. 

At the same time I had bad anxiety and depression but still he went there after a week hiding from me.  I knew he went there then we had our daughter. I was so weak because of complications I had with the delivery and emergency c section. but he never supported me. I did all the house chores looking after kids,and a week after that he went for drugs again. Now I’m hating him. I can’t forget what he did to us. We don’t have money as all the money is spent on his haram activities. And now he came back home apologetic and made another promise. What should I do? I’m still in depression having baby blues and depression because of all this my family is unable to support me. I’m all alone. Please tell me what is the solution to this.

JazakaAllah khair

ANSWER