Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks to all for sharing your struggles.

Check out the 9 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Mother and sister issue

I  have an ongoing issue with my mother and sister which is almost impossible to solve. 

My mother has left me to several therapists and drs to deal with this issue but I’m not able to change this issue. I have an anger problem.  When I go to drs they say I have a nervous colon , or I have a psychiatric problem , when I go to Raqi they say I have some devil whispering and I’m affected by the evil eye. It could be all or it could be I’m just born this way. 

The pattern that I have recognized several times is my sensitivity towards criticism. This has been impacting me mostly at home because I feel “safe” to express my anger and my true personality.  And this stretches out to work. I have the same type of sensitivity. However I mostly feel pure anxiety , fear , irritation and anger toward myself for being so “worthless” and sometimes I get angry at the people around me at home and I feel like they don’t appreciate me, it’s mostly my sister and my mom I have recurring fights with.  I have tried to fix my self esteem. And It has improved. 

What happens during these moments is that I start raising my voice and becoming defensive and blaming the other person even though sometimes I reflect and I realize it was unnecessary or didn’t matter or I should have considered the other person even though I was frustrated. And I’m wrong but not always like I’m made out to feel. Still doesn’t excuse my reaction.  Eg it could be that I’m tired and my sister cooks and places the responsibility on me to clean after her and  leaves the home and then my mom comes and tells me to clean my room and to clean the kitchen after my sister. And I turn angry and tell her it’s not my responsibility and I tell her I don’t want to talk to anyone because I’m angry. Then she also gets mean to me and tells me I’m disrespectful for telling her that. 

I constantly have this issue I battle with where I feel I’m constantly wrong and I can’t do anything in my life right and I can’t make my mother happy . I can never make her satisfied with me. Not only at home but also at work , in school etc …   I’m a bit worried that  the individual of whom our dear Prophet saw warned about in the hadeeth about the woman who prays at night and fasts and wears hijab but has a bad mouth applies to me. And therefore as a result I’m doomed. For me practical Islam is easy e.g. prayer , giving , reading Quran but the other abstract parts are very difficult for me to grasp and implement . And as a result of these negative interactions all the good I have done is nullified and I realize afterwards and I get even more upset . It has affected my relationship with Allah as I always assume the worst about people and about him himself. And I’m not thankful to him. I  don’t know what this issue is. I feel it was written for me that I would struggle with this sin until my death. I’m afraid to be resurrected in such a bad state and die in such a bad state because of this. 

I would appreciate any advice. 

Salam alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for your question. It seems to me that you are in touch with your emotions, your feelings, and your state of mind, and I commend you for that, mashallah. Being aware of and able to identify these emotions is a significant step forward.

You mentioned that you are very sensitive to criticism and feel safe expressing your anger and your true personality at home. This is a good observation because, as you said, we tend to let our emotions out most with those we are closest to. You also shared that you often feel anxiety, fear, irritation, and anger—sometimes directed at yourself, as you feel worthless, and sometimes directed at others when you feel unappreciated. In those moments, you find yourself raising your voice, becoming defensive, or blaming others, even when you later realize it was unnecessary.

First, let me reassure you that all these feelings—anxiety, anger, frustration—are entirely natural. Emotions are part of being human, and they serve an important purpose. Feelings like anger and fear can alert us to challenges, threats, or unmet needs. It’s essential to understand that having these emotions does not make you flawed or wrong; it makes you human. So, it’s important not to feel guilty or ashamed about them.

From what you described, it seems that fear and anxiety might be contributing to your feelings of anger. Physiologically and psychologically, fear and anger are often connected. For example, when you feel a lack of control in a situation or when others impose their personality or will on you, it can create anxiety or fear, which may manifest as anger or outbursts. This reaction is often a form of self-protection.

The emotions themselves are not the problem. What matters most is how we respond once we become aware of these feelings. This is the key distinction: it’s not about your initial reaction but about the second response—the one that comes after you recognize your emotions.

When you notice you are angry, frustrated, or upset, take a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This pause gives you the opportunity to decide how to act. Will you let the anger control you, or will you choose to respond with patience and respect? You can try to verbalize what you are feeling. For example, say, “I am angry because of this,” or “I feel frustrated because of that.” Simply naming your emotions can help to calm them and make them more manageable.

When disagreements arise—whether with your sister, your mother, or anyone else—you can explain your perspective calmly. For instance, you might say, “I had a different need or expectation in this situation.” Often, conflicts happen because people have clashing expectations, and that’s entirely normal in families or close relationships. The goal in these moments is to seek compromise. Compromise means both sides may need to sacrifice something for the sake of peace and understanding. This can be difficult, but it’s a necessary part of living with others.

It’s also important to remember that having different opinions or ideas doesn’t mean you are worthless or wrong. It simply means you see things differently, and that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself and have realistic expectations. Accept yourself as you are—with your emotions, willpower, and personality. The more you accept yourself, the better you’ll be able to express who you are to others.

Clashes may happen when you assert yourself and share your feelings, but that’s a natural part of relationships. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong for speaking up. The goal is to regulate your emotions and communicate with respect, even during conflicts. And if you find yourself reacting impulsively at times, know that this, too, is natural. When it happens, the most important thing is your willingness to acknowledge it, apologize if needed, and commit to doing better next time.

Improving emotional regulation is a gradual process. Little by little, with effort and self-awareness, you can gain more control over your actions while still accepting and honoring the emotions behind them.

I hope this helps, sister. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you toward peace and understanding, in sha Allah.

Question 2. Istikhara

Whenever I do istikhara, for some proposals I get feelings of feeling nice and safe. But the other party does not show any signs. Also, I feel either I am afflicted with black magic or evil eye. And I do regular ruqya on my own. I feel that I do istikhara but I get confused, and meanwhile I lose interest in proposals. This has been happening for a long time. 

Salam alaikom dear sister, 

Thank you for your question. 

Istikhara has to be done after a decision is made, it is a dua and we are seeking Allah’s guidance on a matter. But first we make a decision about it. We decide to go for a proposal, for example in your case, and see whether there are any obstacles or facilitations.

So make sure that when you do istikhara you do it after a decision. Furthermore we do not expect any concrete signs or feelings; it’s rather the facilitation of the events that move you closer to the accomplishment of this decision, or obstacles that can be signs that Allah does not really support this goal. Please read more about this here and here to make it easy for you.

Question 3. Mom fights

My mom fights with my dad everyday. Even my dad cooks for my mom, takes care of everything, provides food and money. Still my mom fights even if it’s a very small matter. I have been seeing this for the past 8 years. My mom told me that she faced a lot of problems from my dad and his family when she got married, that’s how she became like this. but I feel bad about my dad and we also consulted with a psychiatrist. My mom was fine when she took medicines but now she has stopped taking medicines. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of this thing.

Salam alaikom, thank you for reaching out to us. 

You’ve shared that your parents are constantly fighting, especially your mother, even though your father takes care of her—cooking, providing food, and supporting the family financially. Despite all of this, she still fights with him daily, even over small issues, and this has been ongoing for the past eight years. You mentioned that she attributes her behavior to the difficulties she faced from your father and his family when they first got married. While she was better when she was on medication prescribed by a psychiatrist, she has since stopped taking it.

I’m really sorry to hear about everything you’re going through, and I pray that Allah makes it easier for you, for your mother, and for your entire family. It’s true that mental health challenges can stem from environmental factors, and it sounds like your mother’s struggles might have been triggered by the difficulties she faced early in her marriage. Over time, this could have taken a toll on her mental health. It can be a test from Allah, and unfortunately, it seems she has struggled to manage it well.

That said, it’s important to understand that while external challenges can contribute to mental health issues, they are not an excuse for ongoing harmful behavior. Blaming circumstances alone will not solve the problems. Your mother needs to take responsibility for her actions and seek the help she needs—whether through therapy, medication, or other forms of treatment—to find peace within herself and her relationships.

As her son, it’s understandable that you’re affected by their constant fighting, but it’s also important to recognize that the dynamics between your parents are something only they can work through. You can’t step into their relationship or fully grasp all aspects of what’s happening between them. However, you can express how their conflict makes you feel. Let your mother know that you care about her and want to see her happy, stable, and well. You can encourage her to seek professional help again, gently reminding her that she felt better when she was on her medication and under the care of a doctor or therapist.

You might also speak to your father and encourage him to support her in this journey. Express your love and care for both of them, and let them know that you’re there to support them. While it’s difficult to grow up in a home filled with constant fighting, try not to take it personally. Most likely, these conflicts are not about you.

May Allah grant you patience and make it easier for you and your family to overcome these challenges.

Question 4. Sibling issue

He was 6_7 and she was 12_13.

Both are married. My son revealed it a month ago. He and his wife are not talking to my daughter even to keep their child from her.

My daughter doesn’t remember it at all. He says it was done once

Wa alaikom salam,

Thank you for sharing your concern, which is about your son, who now is an adult, but he revealed a month ago that he was abused by his older sister. She was like 12-13 years old, and your son was like 6-7 years old. Your daughter doesn’t remember it at all, and your son says it was done once.

Well, this is a very complicated and difficult situation, sister, and I understand that it’s causing you deep concerns.

This definition says: “If any adult engages in sexual activity with a child, that is sexual abuse. If another child or adolescent engages in sexual activity with a child, a grey area enters where some sexual behavior is innocent exploration rather than abuse.”

The thing is that both of them, even your daughter, were both under the age of puberty. They were not mature enough, any of them, to judge the gravity of their actions and their deeds, and probably they were not aware of the fact that this was wrong, and it’s not something we can do.

What you have to know is that sexual maturation hormonally and physiologically can result in curiosity in children, and they experience and explore feelings; they explore their bodies, regardless of whether they were or were not taught about how to deal with the bodies of others. It also depends on their actual awareness of respecting each other’s physical and intimate space.

So children may explore and try things out of curiosity, out of following their own desires and emotions, but they still have no real awareness about what they are doing.

So I am not sure, but it is possible that as they were young and she was young, she was not intentional, especially since she doesn’t remember this, or she says that she doesn’t remember this.

Your son, however, does, and therefore, if this causes him difficulty dealing with her own sister and handling this situation and putting it in the right perspective, I recommend he talk to a counselor and explain this situation to put this in the right perspective.

The counselor can advise depending on the details how to approach it, whether to make a joint session with the sister as well, to try to reconcile or to talk things out, and to clarify intentions or not, and on what is the best thing to do in this situation.

I know that as a mother this sounds very scary, and we tend to think of the worst, but there will be a chance that it was not an intentional and conscious action. Legally they may not be accountable for that either because it happened before she reached puberty. I hope this helps, and please encourage your son to seek counseling, and if you would like to participate in this counseling, you can seek family counseling as well; that can be so helpful. If it’s possible, take a Muslim counselor who also knows the Islamic legal framework for this. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 5. Am I a Bad Daughter?

I don’t know where it went all wrong with me how did i turned out like the way i am like why i am so disobedient to my parents i literally love them so much…i am the only one of all siblings who is like this I can’t control my temper with my mother since teenage! 

Firstly I am the least good looking among three sisters. I am the youngest. My mother would call me names like monkey! Would make fun of my nose and lips and my siblings would do the same. These things would make me angry and if I would react she would beat saying I am misbehaving!

And this happened not once but many times, if we had a sibling fight she would beat me the most! So I started staying distant from my mother , her words about my face and complexion never ever left from my head! I started having trouble with studies and school stuff I could never tell her because I never considered or idk her as my safe place to talk about it or ask for help. I was in class 5 and that teacher was also the same. She would beat me the hell in front of everyone! I never had any confidence in myself and i think I got ADHD I lacked focus I would get distracted easily and daydream 

And mother daughter relationship never got on track it was always on and off I got short tempered even slightest things would make me angry i would burst with shouting and screaming,and my siblings and mother would say “Oh she is total mentally ill we should admit her to a mental hospital then she would learn her lesson!” And most likely my mother would beat me! With Shoes the heaviest one! I was 17 and still the same! Then I started hating my familyI am a failure! And now I am going to be 25 graduated as a nutritionist and it is still the same everything 

Whenever she knows there’s going to be a workload in the house then she would start talking to me! When any other sibling is doing a house chore she would call me to help her but when i am doing the chores she would be sitting with everyone in the room and having fun with them, now everyone is married except me and my younger brother, if my younger brother would order a burger it’s okay for him because” he was hungry my poor child” but if I ordered ” So now you are going to order from outside alone! How dare you!”

My sister would shop online”It’s okay ” I ordered she would object to mine. I got my Hair “Why did you even leave that you should go bald” but for my sister She herself gave her a haircut!!😂

Our sister in law lives with us. My mother loves her and treats her like her own which is good! the way i wanted my mother to treat me she treat my sister in law, my mother would talk about her all the time in front me and even compare me with her that she does this And that but you don’t “She treats me better than you” so at start i started hating my SIL it’s been 4 years I never talk to her properly but she is a nice person that i realized recently i was doing wrong so i started treating her good like my sister and she treats me the same

 Now i started to ignore my mother and focus on my mental health i stopped talking to her but we live in the same house so she would complain to my father about it that she doesn’t talk to me actually she knew there is going be workload and she would have to call me for things as my SIL was DUE and she had to share my SIL had to share my room as I don’t like it,so i slowly started talking to her And now when everything is done and me and her got a little comfortable with each other in conversation she start comparing me with my SIL’s sister whom i don’t even know and that pissed me off so much that I got angry and got all my SIL stuff out of my room! I was angry that I did this. I regretted that and I am still ashamed and got all her stuff back after but my mother is still not letting her come to my room, I misbehaved with my mother a lot this time she even beat me a lot that I have bruises and blood! But that didn’t hurt most but her words “I can’t even find a proposal for ugly face like yours, why were you born, why did I even give birth to you, you should die why don’t you just die” I can’t stop crying! What do I do??

I am even considering suicide that would be the option for me! How can a mother say that to her own daughter at the end of the day I am a bad person, always I am a bad person, no one is talking to me! I am a bad daughter?

Assalamualaikum dear sister,

I am truly sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing with your mother and your home life. What you have described is deeply painful, and my heart goes out to you. No one deserves to experience such difficulties, especially as children, when we are meant to be cared for, respected, and treated with kindness. These are our God-given rights, as well as legal rights in many cases. From what you have shared, it seems that you have been deprived of these essential forms of love and protection at least some of the time. This is both painful and harmful, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely understandable.

I want to commend your courage in reaching out and seeking help. MashaAllah, this shows that you are a strong individual who recognizes that something needs to change and believes there is a better reality waiting for you. Alhamdulillah, you know in your heart that what you’ve experienced is not right, and this awareness is an important first step toward healing.

Whether this is your first time opening up about these issues or not, writing to us was a huge and commendable step. As a next step, I strongly recommend that you consider seeking ongoing counseling, if it is possible for you. Professional counseling can help you process and heal from the emotional pain you’ve endured, enabling you to see life from a brighter perspective. It can also guide you in setting healthy boundaries, understanding what is and isn’t your responsibility, and finding ways to cope with and resolve the conflicts in your home.

I recommend counseling not because there is something wrong with you, sister. It is very important for you to understand that this is not your fault. You are not a bad daughter, nor are you a bad person. If you have been treated unfairly or unkindly by your mother, it is natural to feel desperate, unworthy, or even to start doubting yourself. These feelings are a natural response to the situation you’ve been in—they are not a reflection of your worth. A professional counselor can help you strengthen yourself emotionally, rebuild your self-esteem, and navigate these challenges in a healthy way. You do not need to face this alone.

Sometimes, we are born into families or raised by people who struggle to express love in healthy ways. Often, they themselves have been hurt in the past, and this pain is passed down in a harmful cycle. However, you are now in a position where you can break that cycle—and you have already taken the first step by reaching out. This shows your strength and your willingness to create a better future for yourself. In sha Allah, with the help of ongoing therapy and self-reflection, you can move forward, heal from your past experiences, and develop a strong sense of self-worth.

Emotional and verbal abuse, as well as bullying, are harmful behaviors that no one deserves. Part of your journey, in sha Allah, will be learning to reject being treated this way and to say no to such harmful behaviors. You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness. You deserve to feel positive emotions about yourself and your life.

Sister, I pray that Allah grants you ease and strength as you navigate this path. Please do not give up. Seek the help you need, continue to remind yourself of your worth, and take small steps toward healing and self-empowerment. In sha Allah, this journey will be transformative for you, and you will find the peace and happiness you deserve.

May Allah make it easy for you and bless you with strength and healing.

Question 6. Toxic mother

My mother is a walking nightmare she’s tried destroyed anything good that comes in my life constantly bad mouthing me to every single member of my family ruined my reputation in order to make herself look like a victim I’ve never cursed her before but finding myself since last year wishing any harm she has done to me she too gets it back for all the things she’s put me through for years I can’t handle it anymore mentally & physically Im suffering with health conditions due to her toxic nature she admits herself she’s so damaged & she likes to fight all the time because of her childhood but I’m taking it all for all the things others have done to her.

Assalamualaikum, sister

Thank you for sharing your struggles regarding your mother’s behavior. I am truly sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing. You mentioned that she destroys anything good that comes into your life, ruins your reputation to portray herself as a victim, and that you feel mentally and physically unable to handle her toxic nature anymore. You also shared that she admits she is damaged, that she likes to fight due to her own childhood experiences, and that you feel like you are taking all others have done to her.

This is a very painful and complicated situation, and I want to acknowledge the burden you are carrying. The expression “hurt people hurt people” seems to apply here, as it appears your mother’s unresolved pain is manifesting in her treatment of you. While it’s understandable that someone with a traumatic past might struggle with their relationships—including a mother-daughter relationship—we also believe in accountability and responsibility. Our past does not excuse our present behavior. It may explain it, but it does not justify causing harm to others.

Your mother may have the test of unlearning and personal work to do, especially when it comes to expressing love and being a supportive mother. This work, however, is her responsibility. Regardless of what happened to her, it is not acceptable for her to treat you this way. You are not to blame for her actions, sister. You are the child in this situation, even if you are now an adult. It was her responsibility, as the adult and the parent, to guide the relationship and model good behavior. You were never in a position to do that for her.

If you are now an adult, you do have the opportunity to model good behavior, patience, and strong character—not for her benefit, but for your own. It is crucial to understand, though, that whatever you suffered because of her actions is not an excuse for you either to behave in a way that displeases Allah. I know you mentioned that you have found yourself cursing her and wishing her harm. Your feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, and even desperation are completely understandable. However, acting upon these feelings in a way that goes against the teachings of Allah is another issue.

At this point, I strongly encourage you to seek professional counseling. A counselor can help you process these emotions, work through your pain, and develop healthier ways to manage your feelings and responses. Through counseling, you can better understand yourself, your emotions, and how to accept and acknowledge the pain you feel toward your mother. This is an important part of grieving the loss of the healthier, more loving mother-daughter relationship you were deprived of.

A counselor can also support you in setting boundaries and learning how to see your mother’s behavior for what it is—without taking it personally, blaming yourself, or internalizing her actions as a reflection of your worth. With time and effort, in sha Allah, you can gain the strength to navigate this difficult relationship, protect your mental and emotional health, and maintain a behavior and character that is pleasing to Allah.

May Allah grant you ease, patience, and healing. I pray that you find the support you need to move forward and that you are able to build a sense of peace and strength within yourself. In sha Allah, with time and effort, you can emerge stronger and more resilient from this test.

Question 7. I do not know what I want in life

I feel so lost , I don’t know what am I passionate about, I don’t know what I want in my life all I know is that I want to get married and have kids but I don’t know anything related to my career and I am praying alhamdulillah

Everytime I pray I ask Allah to guide me and suddenly somehow I found your website. I hope I will get help from here and I will be so happy and grateful if you take some time to help me with my life.                    Thank you 💗

Assalamualaikum, sister,

Thank you for reaching out to us. You mentioned that you feel lost because you don’t know what you’re passionate about or what you want in life. All you know is that you want to get married and have children, but you’re uncertain about your career path. You’ve been praying, asking Allah for guidance, and you came across our site. Alhamdulillah.

First of all, let me say that knowing you want to get married and have children is already something significant. MashaAllah, it’s a clear inclination, and it’s wonderful that you’re aware of this.

You mentioned not knowing anything related to your career, but I’d like to ask: Do you necessarily need to have a career figured out at this stage of your life? Where does this expectation come from? Is it from society, social media, friends, or from yourself?

Having a career is an option, not a requirement. Being passionate about something can happen through a career, but also as a hobby, something occasional. 

For example, being a mother and raising children is, in itself, a huge responsibility and a “full-time job”. It’s an immense task that should not be diminished, nor its impact: educating, nurturing, and raising children is a beautiful endeavor.

Similarly, being a wife and creating a peaceful, loving home while contributing to the happiness of your family are significant accomplishments. If this is what you want to focus on, then MashaAllah, you are already on a meaningful path.

It’s important to ask yourself where these expectations about having a career are coming from. If they are from within yourself, reflect on whether you genuinely want a career or if it’s something you feel pressured into. If you feel there are other things you would like to do besides being a mother and wife, try to explore those possibilities.

Write down the activities you enjoy or are curious about. What hobbies do you have? What are you naturally good at? These reflections might help you identify areas that could turn into career options or pursuits later on.

At the same time, remember that your worth is not defined by whether or not you have a career. You are not any less valuable than someone who pursues one. As Muslims, we know that our ultimate purpose in life is to worship Allah, and there are many ways to fulfill this purpose. Being a wife and mother is a noble and rewarding role, and it is perfectly valid to be passionate about it.

Also, allow yourself the flexibility to grow and change. There may be times later in life when you discover new passions or skills as a result of your experiences as a wife and mother. These moments could open doors to opportunities you hadn’t considered before, and it’s okay to embrace them when they come.

For now, focus on being content with where you are and what you are working towards. Avoid comparing yourself to others or letting their expectations shape your decisions. Everyone’s journey is unique, and what matters most is finding peace and fulfillment in your own path.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to what is best for your dunya and akhirah.

Question 8. Getting distracted

Assalamuallaikum,

I have been suffering a lot for the past 6 months, my faith is wavering, and my mental state is not on the right track, and I am having been optimistic bias. I truly feel that things will get right, but they are not getting right. I have become a people pleaser and started losing confidence. Each day I try to accomplish a task, but it becomes impossible because I cannot concentrate, I follow other people’s life more than building mine, time seems to fly. I am not able to have a routine for more than two days. I am not even able to wholeheartedly pray my salah, I tend to disagree a lot and feel solipsistic. I often get scolding, it has become a habit now, I do not feel any remorse or feel hurt even though I act so,   I randomly get a song in my head, which I had come across unintentionally,  I  feel like I am losing my life path by getting distracted like this, your response may be of a great help.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for writing to us and sharing your struggles. You mentioned that you’ve been suffering for the past six months and that your mental state hasn’t been on the right track. You feel that things will improve, but they haven’t yet, and this has been difficult for you.

Let me first say that being optimistic about outcomes is not a bad thing. While you referred to it as “optimistic bias,” I believe having hope is important, and it can be a positive mindset to hold on to, in sha Allah.

You’ve shared that you’ve become a people pleaser, started losing confidence, and have difficulties accomplishing tasks. You cannot concentrate, time feels like it’s flying by, and you’ve been unable to maintain a routine for more than two days. Additionally, you mentioned that you’ve become so accustomed to get scolded that it no longer affects you—you don’t feel remorse or hurt anymore.

If we were having a direct conversation, I would ask you several questions to understand your situation better. For instance, I’d ask about your daily habits:

• How does your routine look?
• How much time do you spend on screens, including social media?
• What kind of videos do you watch? Are they motivational, Islamic, or something else?

Understanding these aspects can help identify the root of your difficulty with focus and concentration. Sometimes, distractions and lack of focus stem from unhelpful habits. At other times, it may be due to emotions that are difficult to process, such as sadness, pain, or stress.

Another possibility is that you may have expectations—about yourself or the world—that haven’t been fulfilled, which could be causing frustration or disappointment. If this is the case, identifying these expectations and working through them would be important.

This is why I strongly encourage you to seek a counselor. A professional can ask these questions, help uncover the root cause of your struggles, and work with you to develop solutions. If the problem is rooted in habits, in sha Allah, changing those habits can make a significant difference. If it’s about suppressed emotions, exploring and addressing those emotions will help. Similarly, if it’s related to negative beliefs or unrealistic expectations about yourself, a counselor can guide you in challenging and replacing them with healthier, more realistic thoughts.

Distractions and difficulty focusing can arise from various causes, and it’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason from a single letter. However, with the help of a counselor, you can explore these possibilities and create strategies to cultivate a more focused and balanced state of mind.

May Allah make it easy for you, guide you to the best path, and grant you relief from your struggles.

Question 9. Settling permanently in the West

I came to Europe for ” duniya” in 1997. I got connected to اللہ very soon الحمدللہ۔ I married in 2008 from my home country. We got 3 kids الحمد للہ and we moved back there in 2016. I lost my job contract and had to move back to Europe. I am struggling mentally to accept this as I still believe that with all the pros and cons, it would be best to live back home, but I had to come back as doors of rizq were shut down in my homeland. As Muslims are we supposed to think about our grandkids and their kids? You know the impact of the environment on us when we are exposed? How can we Muslims justify settling permanently in the west?  You know we will always be aliens here….

Salam alaikum, brother,

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. You mentioned that you came to a Western European country and married someone from your home country about ten years later. Together, you have three children. Then, nearly ten years after that, you moved back to your home country, but you lost your job contract last year and had to return to Europe.

You’re struggling mentally to accept this move, as you believe that, despite the challenges, it would be best to live back home. However, you had to come back because the doors of rizq in your home country were shut. You’ve also raised a question about how we, as Muslims, are supposed to think about settling permanently in the West. You asked whether we should consider the impact of the environment on ourselves and our future generations, and how we can justify living in a place where we feel like “aliens.”

These are important and common struggles for many Muslims who live in the West, as well as for those who live in predominantly Muslim countries.

Let me start by reminding you that the entire Earth belongs to Allah. Wherever we are, we can find Him, strengthen our connection with Him, and live as Muslims. What matters most is not where we live but where our hearts are—whether they are attached to Allah and whether we have taqwa (God-consciousness) in our daily actions, decisions, and goals.

Culturally, it is often easier to live in a place where people share similar religious and cultural norms. It can reduce many challenges and provide a sense of belonging. However, even in Muslim-majority countries, challenges exist—whether they’re related to family dynamics, cultural practices that conflict with Islam, or economic struggles.

On the other hand, living as a minority in a non-Muslim country has its own unique challenges. Yet, from the perspective of our connection to Allah, even these places belong to Him. Wherever we live, we have the opportunity to strengthen our faith, as long as we are mindful of our intentions and actions.

You are absolutely right about the importance of intention (niyyah) in migration. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught us that our migration is judged by our intention. If you have migrated for the sake of Allah but also to provide for your family, this is valid and can be a part of your qadr (destiny). Sometimes, financial stability requires us to make difficult decisions, and accepting this as Allah’s decree can help bring peace to the heart. Perhaps there is wisdom in why you are destined to return to Europe.

As for the feeling of being “aliens” in the West, it’s important to remember that our role as Muslims is to positively contribute to the societies we live in. This does not necessarily mean giving lectures or formal teaching; simply living with Islamic character, values, and kindness is a form of dawah. Your presence, behavior, and lifestyle can show others the beauty of Islam, and this is also a possible way of fulfilling your role as a Muslim.

At the same time, you can consider the unique opportunities living in the West might offer. For instance, some Muslims find they can practice Islam more purely in the West, without being constrained by cultural traditions that are not rooted in Islam. In some Muslim-majority countries, cultural norms and expectations can limit one’s ability to follow Islam authentically, while in the West, those cultural pressures may be less intense.

To help you make peace with your decision, I recommend writing down the pros and cons of both staying in Europe and returning to your home country. Reflect on your priorities:

1. Worshiping Allah and maintaining a strong connection with Him is the ultimate goal.
2. Consider your family’s well-being, both spiritually and financially.
3. Assess your long-term goals and how they align with your current circumstances.

If your intention is clear and you’ve done your best to evaluate your situation, then trust in Allah’s plan. Maybe, for now, the doors back home may be closed, and this is part of your qadr. On the other hand, you can leave room for future change. Life is dynamic, and circumstances may shift. What seems impossible now may become possible later. For now, focus on strengthening your faith and making the best of your current situation. Wherever you are, you can maintain taqwa and build a connection with Allah. This is ultimately what matters most.

May Allah make it easy for you, guide you to what is best for your family, and grant you contentment with His decree.